To think most people would want their therapist to be kind and empathetic?

[AnyNameWillDo89]

Or do some people actually want someone who is really hardcore and brutal and will give them a good kick up the backside?

Mine is like this. She jokes, ‘Oh I know, I’m such a mean therapist, aren’t I?’ But actually I think she gets carried away and goes a bit far with this approach sometimes.

If I complain she’ll just tell me to stop coming as she has a long waiting list of others who’d like to see her. But really, aren’t most people looking for emotional support and compassion?

What type of therapist does she claim to be? Doesn't sound right to me

I think different approaches suit different times in your life and different people. Some times you need someone to be gentle and kind and other times you might need a kick up the bum, as you say. Some people might prefer a more abrasive approach.
If she doesn’t suit you then look for another therapist.

depends what you mean by emotional support and compassion.
On the face of it yes, but if it could be confused for enabling and blame shifting then no.

Can you give some more detail?

Depends what type.

CBT therapists are more like teachers or coaches

Are you Pluralistic?😉

I would prefer someone brutal tbh.

If this one isn't working out for you then look for someone else, a friend of mine went through 4 before she found someone she clicked with. You need someone you're comfortable with.

I'm someone who works better with the harder approach. Empathy and kindness while lovely actually makes me sad and weepy (from years of experience in therapy). I'd rather the straightforward, practical talking/kick up the arse type.

My priorities in a therapist are intelligence and straight talk. I've just had to move to a new therapist after my usual (very good) one has taken a long period of leave, and when I was asking about for recommendations among therapist friends, I specified 'tough'. Obviously, I'm not talking 'boot camp'/Vietnam film drill instructor tough, but as I'm tough and clever myself, I need someone who can deal with that. The worst therapist I ever saw (via EAP scheme years and years ago) just went 'Ah, you're very hard on yourself!'

Depends what you’re after. People won’t always like what the therapist has to say. DSC left therapy as she just wanted someone to agree with her as some sort of listening session. She didn’t want to hear any of the feedback or suggestions the therapist had.

Fair points about enabling and blame-shifting. I’m seeing her about self-harm but I note she lists addiction and eating disorders amongst her special interests, which may benefit from a more abrasive approach.

In many ways I do click with this one so just finding another is not so straightforward. I just wish she could adapt to what I need and go a bit more gently as she’s honestly making me feel worse.

I think your therapist has an interesting point. If you don’t like her approach, why do you keep going and paying good money while waiting for her to be different? This could be part of what she is trying to help you recognise - do you have form for staying in relationships that aren’t working and willing the other party to be what you need? Is there something in it for you to feel like other people are always letting you down? Do you need people to be ‘kind and empathetic’ to the extent that you experience any challenge, or invitation to change, as being mean?

If she’s making you feel worse, you could discuss this with her. Specifically, what is she doing that feels bad? How are you hearing what she’s saying? Maybe you could ask what her intentions are in doing the things that don’t feel good to you - it might help you to know her reasoning, and how she thinks this will help you.

This should all be fruitful grounds for exploring your relational patterns, and building experience of problem solving in relationships

Mine was an absolute battleaxe and was exactly what I needed. I had loads of kind and empathetic people in my day to day life, what I needed was someone more bull-headed than me. It works for some people and not for others, no harm in saying her style doesn't suit you and shopping around. It's a relationship, you have to find the right fit.

This.

But sometimes we need a kick up the backside. Depends how brutal she is, but equally it’s good to be challenged as it makes us think and reflect rather than just having someone saying ‘there there’.

Hmmm. At least with a brutal therapist you know they are trying to fix a problem. With one of those kind and gentle ones I'd be concerned they were setting me up for a long and expensive road of just spinning it out.

I just wish she could adapt to what I need and go a bit more gently as she’s honestly making me feel worse.

It’s not uncommon to feel worse because if therapy is doing what it should you’ll be confronted with ways of being that aren’t helping you. In saying that, while therapy can and should be challenging your therapist shouldn’t be unkind or “mean” to you. It’s possible to be very challenging while also being empathic and caring.

If you feel your therapist isn't constructive or compassionate, or you resent the approach she takes, then it sounds like she's not right for you.

I think some people do confuse 'kind and empathetic' with 'agreeing with everything you say and validating your irrational feelings', and that's really not helpful. (Not saying that's the case with you, just a general observation!) I think sometimes a good therapist, at least in certain types of therapy or in certain situations will need to point out to a client that maybe they were the one at fault in an interaction they are describing, or that the way they behave will inevitably lead to poor outcomes, or something like that.

However, obviously they do need to be able to have that conversation in a way that works for the client, eg, 'It seems to me that a lot of your anger about your friend's behaviour is probably misplaced - have you thought about your own role in that argument and how you might behave if the situation was reversed?' rather than 'I'm not surprised your friend stopped talking to you, because you were a complete dick to her.'

If I complain she’ll just tell me to stop coming as she has a long waiting list of others who’d like to see her

I think that, if you've complained about her approach but still continue going to see her, that is not an unfair or unreasonable suggestion for her to make. It might well just be a case of different strokes for different folks.

These replies are really interesting. Thank you.

@Bunnyhair I’ve tried asking her to go more gently but she’s effectively said no. ‘This is about challenging you and getting you to think in different ways.’

I do get that but my self-harm is like a form of self-punishment already. I’ve realised from a support group (not her) that I’d probably benefit from developing some more self-compassion and positive self-talk. I have told her this but she doesn’t seem to take it on board.

Oh she's one of them. I'm a therapist and have met a few of these in my career, they tend to be quite proud of their methods in my experience. I don't tend to rate them as therapists personally, they don't often get the best results from people. I like to think a good therapist can change between being motivational, emphatic, sensitive and a tad brutal all in a single session. This is what a therapeutic relationship is about, knowing when to push, when to pull back and when to just be present and listen. If you like that style stick with it but trust me there are a lot more therapists out there op. Some are actually quite kind 😁

I'd also add in cbt trained and a good cbt therapist is not like a teacher as someone else posted above 😁

So it’s not working. The responsibility is on you to look after yourself and find someone with your preferred approach. She’s telling you what she offers and it’s not what you want.

If I was ever going to see a therapist then I’d want my therapist to be like my personal trainer: encouraging and behind me to help me achieve my goals and what they knew I was capable of. In the same way as I don’t want my PT to let me off doing the hard work myself and challenging me when they think I’m not putting the work in, I’d want my therapist to challenge me if they thought I was avoiding difficult conversations and addressing difficult emotions or looking for platitudes. Obviously the latter isn’t the same as “mean”, but “kind and supportive” also doesn’t mean easy and comfortable.

Personally I needed both in the one person. The guy I had was just like that, compassionate as the day is long but also very much arse kickey when I needed it. I made brilliant progress with that approach. A friend has the over compassionate with zero arse kicking. It has brought her no where really. She really hasn’t looked at her own part in her patterns without the arse kickery aspects.

She sounds abusive! Is she regulated?