ASD DD struggle with transition from home to school

[Riversideandrelax]

My DD is in Y7. She started at the school in November. We are having ongoing problems with her separating from me. She won't want me to go and will cling to me. I take her into reception and an LSA comes down for her. We did try taking her to the student entrance but we were blocking it. School are finding it difficult with her having meltdowns in reception too. This doesn't happen every day maybe 2-3/5.

They have phoned me this morning to say if she won't go in within 5 minutes then I'll have to 'take her away and come back later.' Her brother has taken her recently a few times and she has gone in not too bad (although one day she did cling to him.) But they could be more luck that those were mainly good days. The school are keen for her to bring her in more. But he is doing his exams (he's 17 in Y12.) so I don't really think this is fair. I don't really think this is going to solve the problem. She has been referred to the Ed Psych to see if they can help.

Any ideas or suggestions much appreciated.

Not hugely practical, but can help if you can get her in the building:

A transitional object - something from home that is small enough to fit in her pocket and touch for reassurance - a lucky stone / button etc.

I drew a small biro smiley face / heart / 'hi!' on my DDs palm so she could hold it / touch it / see it when she was stressed / missed me. I let her draw one on me when she was littler and she believed that when she touched hers I knew too. I'd say things like, 'yes, when was it again? Was it when you were sitting down?... ' worked when she needed it.

I sprayed my perfume onto her wrist / sleeve - she could smell it for comfort. When stressed she still sometimes brings her teddy before bed at night for a spray - and she's a mid-teen now.

Savlon! She associated the smell with care and comfort. When she went on a sleepover I put a tiny squeeze (like end of a cotton bud) into a little pot so she could put it on her own bruise / scab / anywhere!

Yy to transitional object.

Contrarily go earlier introduce a buffer stop between home and school. Stop in the play park stop for a milk shake. Breaks the transition into smaller bits.

Check it is actually working at school.

Maybe have a look in to this bloody secondary school?

Might they be locking the toilets, shouting at her and making her feel unpleasant???

(for example)

I did get her a little wooden heart but hasn't really helped. I'll speak to her and see if we could try something else. I don't really wear perfume and she would never allow anything on a wound. Thanks for the suggestions.

There is a small park opposite the school. We usually arrive early so could go in there for 10 minutes. I'll give that a go.

They don't lock toilets. DD always goes in lesson time as it is quieter. There is no shouting at her directly, although she did tell me a teacher shouted at the class once, but generally no. It's a very good school. No blazer and tie. Can take off jumpers if hot. Reasonable rules. She comes out of school happy 9/10.

I think these things are all individual but some 'tricks' that worked for mine

• allowed a day off each term. Once she knew she could stay at home if things were really bad it eased the pressure. But as it was only one day per term she had to pick the 'worse' day, it helped her decide which days were just shite, and which days were the shittest.
• a bit like the park idea above but somewhere in the school - not reception - somewhere quieter that she can go to first to acclimatise. God love the librarian at her school who created a space for those kids that needed it! She would rush through the hall into the library and spend 15/20 minutes there getting her balance then go to her form room. Waiting around in the reception for the LSA may just be overwhelming for her.

Good luck, its heartbreaking to see your kid so overwhelmed

She is anxious, she feels anxious and you can’t bribe/threaten/guilt/plead/force/reward that away. It’s not a choice to feel like that and therefore she can’t choose to go in to school without a fuss. When she has a ‘good’ day it’s because she isn’t feeling as anxious. In my experience schools think that because the child goes in okay on some days they are choosing to resist going in on the other days.
It’s not that she won’t go in, she can’t go in.
You need to investigate the cause of the anxiety and try and address that. It depends how supportive the school is, but what she needs is an adult and an area that she feels safe with. Will they let you take her into school to a ‘safe’ room where you can hand her over to a supportive adult?
Once you feel anxious the only way to get rid of the chemicals swirling around your body is exercise or relaxation. She can’t just stop feeling anxious, she has to wait for it to subside.

I feel some of these responses are not right for an autistic child (I have experience of this)

It's sadly common for children who coped in primary to be unable to cope in secondary.

OP - what is the senco offering in terms of her entire day at school?

this is probably not about transition or a 'special object' ! but about the entire school experience.

Rather than focusing on the moment of her going in - are you absolutely sure that she is able to cope in this school?

Is it too overwhelming for her? Too much to cope with? this. is that point at which sadly many ND kids end up falling out of education

the idea of 'one day off' a term is just not appropriate for a child who may literally be unable to cope day in day out.

I have an autistic child on a flexi timetable (this is considered a reasonable adjustment by Dfe look on their website)

Does she have an EHCP? If not, I would start the application process.

Can she go early and do something like library monitor.

More time for transitions, and/or a different start/end time to avoid busy times
Transition object(s)
Transition activity (stop at shop, stop at park, listen to headphones)
Sensory breaks throughout the day, and a safe space to go to (like a sensory room or quiet area).
A transition space in the morning, for some kids a breakfast club works, but this could also be a sensory room, the school library, a music room, a computer room etc.
Hall pass for unplanned breaks if she is finding the classroom overwhelming.
A reduced timetable (the mornings are less overwhelming if you know you're coming home at lunch time, for example)

They have phoned me this morning to say if she won't go in within 5 minutes then I'll have to 'take her away and come back later.'

Thats appalling OP.

In my child’s school, they give the option of going to the welfare room when they first come in which can help some children ease into the day. They can join lessons later once they feel more settled.

They also do things like a pass to leave a lesson and go to the welfare room at any point they need to, the option to avoid noisy dinner halls etc.

These things come under reasonable adjustments.

I would meet with the SENCo and pastoral team and see what they can offer.

They will have dealt with this situation before. I think they’re trying to scare you and you child into conforming, which obviously often doesn’t work when a child is genuinely feeling anxious and is struggling.

Does she end up staying all day or coming home after meltdowns? My DD tends to mask in public so if I could get her into school she'd go into masking mode. Meltdowns were at home and on way to school. There was years of it, it saps you going through that, Id feel rung out by the time I got her to school, if I did. She had anxiety and ASD which feed into each other. She struggles with transitions, but then was also anxious she'd have no one to sit with at lunch time or that her stomach would hurt and she wouldn't be able to tell anyone because of her situational mutism, that I wouldn't be there to interpret for and support her, that she'd get in trouble and on and on. She'd also gets worried about transitions at school so days she knows she'll have different subjects and moving between rooms a lot she wants to go in even less. Do you know if the separation anxiety is solely about being away from you? Or like my DD could it be she's also worried that she won't be able to cope with something without you there or worried about things at school like transitions. If other things are adding into it, like transitions at school or worry she can't get help when she's overwhelmed, or not having somewhere quiet to go, then solving those issues could help reduce the struggle she has transitioning to school.

We did try a lot of other things first, but in the end what helped get her back to school was her being able to take a mobile phone she could access if needed during the day and knowing Id come and get her if things got too overwhelming. Along with therapy and medication for her anxiety.

Thank you, it is.

I'm going to definitely try the one day off a term - it might let her feel more in control.

The LSAs do often take her to the library or wellbeing room before form to give her a gentle transition. But it is getting her to let go of me and go there that is tricky! If she would go into school independently she could go to the library or the Learning support centre.

I have just spoken to the SENCO and she has suggested that DD having to say goodbye while an LSA waits might be putting pressure on her. They suggested that I start saying goodbye as soon as we get to school and we can do it in a room so DD has privacy. Then once DD is ok I can leave her in the room and then someone can come to get her.

Where have I suggested bribing/threatening/guilting/pleading/forcing/rewarding it away? I haven't said anything about it being her choice to feel anxious?

I am aware of the cause of her anxiety. As I said she finds the transition between home and school difficult. This is exacerbated after a weekend and even more so after a holiday.

The school is very supportive and have tried many strategies and are willing to carry on til we find something that really works.

She has a lot of reasonable adjustments. She is allowed to wear trainers. She can skip the lunch queue. She can have time out and use fidgets. She has a system of indicating if she needs help without speaking and she is only asked a question if she puts her hand up. Her class always has an LSA. She can go to the Learning Support centre before school and at lunchtime.

She comes out of school happy 9/10. It really is about the transition. Don't get me wrong it has taken time for her to settle into school and sometimes she has issues which something and I speak to school who are always willing to deal with it. But it is specifically the transition that we haven't been able to make much progress on.

She doesn't have an EHCP. School feel they are able to meet her needs without extra funding. However, they are open for applying one if it seems necessary.

We already get there early so she can go to the library etc.

I've just spoken to the SENCO and there's not a room we can use off reception. But we've decided I'll take her to the park before bringing her into school and they've said if she needs to be a bit late that's not a problem.

She has sensory breaks and can go to the Learning support centre or wellbeing room if she needs to.

She has a transition space - she can use the library, the wellbeing room or the learning support centre.

I'm not sure a reduced timetable would help. The transition will still be there just the same.

DS is ASD and suffers from anxiety. He is older than her now but some therapy he had really worked for him so I'll pass it on in case it helps.

Ask her how she'd like to feel about school, work through from completely confident and happy to create some stepping stones towards that and discuss how any movement forward, however tiny, is a massive win as it is a step in the right direction. Discuss targetting tiny steps each week towards her goal of feeling comfortable. It was really important for DS to understand that there is no magic switch that makes life easier. There are just increments of discomfort and unease that you work through until suddenly you look back and see how far you've come. So, even getting a bit further down the corridor would be a target, or trying a new self-soothing technique to see if it reduces the need for a meltdown release.

Some attitudes that helped him were:

• It's fine to feel uncomfortable or anxious. This is a normal and healthy emotion that all people have. She might have more of it or more often or at different times from other people but that doesn't mean it is wrong or there is something wrong with her or it should be banished. Everyone feels anxiety - it is normal. Accept this. Get used to feeling uncomfortable. Don't judge yourself, just understand it is part of a process that she is working through.
• Ask herself what would Non-anxious me do in this situation? If I wasn't anxious, how would I act right now. Do this. As far as you can, just do it. Even if it is just taking a step towards class. DS found this incredibly helpful. He'd just ask himself: if I weren't anxious now, what would I do? Then he just did it. Probably not always but often enough to push through.
• Very important to congratulate herself mentally and reward herself for even a tiny breakthrough, to remind herself that she isn't forcing herself to do something she doesn't want to do, but she is training herself to cope with the discomfort that is part of pushing through to do something you do want to do.
• Use this mantra - 'You can handle it' and get her to use it, 'I can handle it.' Tell her you know it is very difficult right now but you have full faith that she will find her way through it. Don't allow her to get stuck thinking she can't work through this.

IME of watching DS struggle and come through - it takes ASD children so much longer to learn how to cope with their intense emotions, their overstimulation, the bewildering complexity of social interaction. But if they take the time to learn it in a way that serves them (not masking for the sake of others, but skill building for their own sakes) that makes them very strong, resilient people. DS amazes me every day. He has no idea how amazing he is.

Yes, my DD can do that. And has all the passes.

I honestly don't think they are trying to scare us. I just couldn't see how the 5 minutes thing would help. But on further speaking to the SENCO they think that things getting so fraught is not benefiting my DD. I have suggested if she can't go in after the 5 minutes then I'll take her to the park. I have said that I'm not happy for my DS bringing her in to be part of the plan, though.

My apologies, I didn’t mean that’s what you were doing, it’s what I see schools doing when they try to get anxious children to go in.

sounds tough op. For my own child, once she is distressed about going in it's hard to overcome.

I think I would have to consider that there is a problem with school generally manifesting like this - has she ever had assessment by an OT? they can watch her in class and analyse her sensory issues etc. sorry if this is all totally not helpful - I know how tedious it is hearing the same advice over and over.

can you describe the transition op? (If you want)

Sometimes a small tweak can make a difference - her moving away from you vs you moving away from her. Or handing a transitional object (not necessarily a lovey/m but something like a hall pass or her school bag)to the LSA who then gives it to her.

Breaking the transition into smaller steps and adding a concrete element to each one can make it feel like there’s more control.

Would a timer help? so she knows how long she can hug you for and takes the uncertainty out of that.

For some dc, talking through their day (first period is Spanish, then Geography…) can be helpful. Especially if they’re carrying anxiety about forgetting books or homework. They get to the end of the list and know it’s all good.

Or having a chat about a special interest can shift the mental energy. I’ve often slipped a mistake or stupid question in with ds to elicit an (mildly) indignant lecture to distract him from an anxiety spiral.

I’m throwing out ideas at random but there might be something useful