One of the school mums doesn’t seem to like me

[Theponytales]

And I have no idea why?

My child and her child are friends. I’m always pleasant, say hello, smile. I’m occasionally treated to a “Hi” back. More often than not I’m totally blanked, today she even spoke to another couple of parents in front of me, while I tried to start a conversation while our children were playing together. She physically turned away so she wasn’t facing me.
It’s really hurtful and I have no idea what’s going on.
We are friends on Facebook - I added her a while ago and she accepted.

Earlier this week I stood aside at the gate to let her past and she didn’t even look at me, never mind saying thank you or acknowledging me at all!

This is so true.

This is why I'm not friends with the mum crowd. I actively choose to avoid it. I don't have them on fb. I left school far to long ago to start playing, playground games again.

The playground is as catty as hell. I've stood behind these people talking about each other long enough to know, if I want to avoid being the topic of conversation to keep myself to myself.

It's probably more about her than about you, but I do feel for you because I wpuld find this difficult too.

My youngest is in Y1. At the beginning of reception, I was trying to get to know a few of the mums. I invited a few to soft play after school and one came. We spent a couple of hours together, all pleasant enough. I added her on Facebook and she accepted.

Then she just started blanking me, same as happened to you, occasionally got a "morning" now and then but couldn't get much more out and she would avoid eye contact.
Then one evening I was sat outside the classroom for parents' evening on tables directly facing the classroom door, another mum in the table next to me. First mum came out of the classroom, I tried to say something like "Oh hi, how did it go" and got completly blanked. She strode past me and then she said "Bye, Jemima*" to the other mum on the next table. I complelty and involuntarily looked back as she left, my mouth open. I imagine the other mum who she had clearly graced with her favour saw my face and maybe reported back to her. But I no longer cared from that point. I deleted her off Facebook and I have completly ignored the fact that she exists for the past year.
She is very loud and brash and has a gaggle of mum friends and I often hear them gossiping about others so I probably didn't fit in or something. Their loss and not mine because I am a lovely friend and they are clearly not very nice. And that's what you shpuld tell yourself too x x

*all names are changed

Ok well I think you’d have had slightly different responses if you'd made it clear you knew each other from nursery - people have been replying based on the assumption that she’s a stranger. Has anything happened (maybe between your DC) that might have changed her behaviour towards you?

I have a DD in reception so I do sympathise to a certain extent. I also don’t like that that someone doesn’t like me but - and I say this with kindness - you’re straying into drama llama territory with all the stuff about her ‘turning other parents against you’. Where on earth did that come from? Unless she has a track record of similar behaviour I think this says more about your self esteem than her.

I would concentrate on the parents you are friendly with and just blank her back.

OP, you’ll probably never get to the bottom of this (if indeed there’s anything to get to the bottom of) so let it go. I can totally understand why it upsets you, and it’s human nature to want people to like us.

I had the exact same situation...she ignores me when I've given way for her, her social group on the playground glare at me...my DC started taking themselves to school during the last term of year 5...utter bliss.

I just want to know why mums at the school gate behave unkindly towards one another? Am I wrong?

The OP isn’t asking to be friends though, I don’t think it’s unreasonable when you stay good morning to someone that they acknowledge you back, it’s just common courtesy.

There's lots of speculation in your post about what motivates the other woman and then somehow you manage to reach a firm conclusion that OP is the problem. How?

I had this with one mum, I think she didn't think I was her type, ie, rich (in this case). The children remained friends for a while but I chose to do the same as her and pretty much ignore her. Would say hello but really didn't expect a reply.

I went through primary with my daughter either being ignored or at best grunted at if I did something polite like hold a door open or stand to the side to let someone through. Invited to quite a few parties where the birthday childs mum ignored all other parents and just chatted with their family/mates instead.

I stopped giving a fuck very quickly. My daughter had and still has plenty of friends regardless of their parents attitudes and personalities.

Similar issue here.

It's actually a parent I have a lot in common with (same profession although I'm more senior and similar approach to academics and extra curricular). Our kids are super close at school and the teacher always mentions it at parents evening in terms of "X being Y's friend in Z group". The Mum has just stopped engaging with me at all (although she will speak to my DC and ask what they are reading etc.).

I think part of it is competition, which is bonkers because, well, it is. Who really cares where your kid sits in a year of 100 when the global population is so much bigger?

I find the most effective tool is to be nice and pretend she isn't doing it. Like someone above said, treat school gate parents like colleagues - you temporarily exist in the same time and space - but they aren't your friends. Acquaintances maybe.

If you continue to just be civil, she'll be the one that looks like a fruit loop.

And it won't have any impact on your kids relationships either.

Some people are really, really bad at social interaction. So focused on what they’re going to say, that they’re not listening properly to the person they’re looking at, and oblivious to the fact they’ve blanked someone else or given them the shoulder.

Generally, if you don’t get stuck wondering what you’ve done to deserve it, and just watch, you’ll realise that 99% of the time it’s not about you.

The school yard is hard and it would be do much nicer if people could manage basic politeness. But it is what it is.

Ooo I know a mum like this. My
Youngest child is at the end of juniors now. I'm very social and have loads of friends.

I've made an effort and said "hi" before. But she'll literally walk by me in the street & pretend she doesn't know me. Or start having a conversation with someone i'm in the middle of taking to in the dog park & completely ignore me.

I've decided she's just a rude bitch & I ignore her too now. Fuck em op. Seriously life is tooooo short! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bollocks

There was a mum like this at my daughter's school. Our daughters were friends but she completely ignored me. If I saw her in the street or in the playground she'd blank me. It was so odd. I was always nice to her. She did speak to some of the other parents (not all). I never felt it was my fault. It was her. I think she actually lacked confidence and had social anxiety.
Generally when people behave this weirdly it's because of some problem they have.

Exactly what I was thinking

Maybe she’s just a bit shy or aloof. I can come across like that and it’s not deliberate. Either way, who cares? I’d ignore her too as she clearly doesn’t want to interact. Pursuing her or making an effort is going to irritate her even further.

Just seen your update OP, so you used to talk to you at nursery but now she's suddenly blanking you? I would find that odd and would also wonder why as I'm the type of person who cares too much about what others think. It sounds like you are the same so it's not just as simple as not caring and pretend it's not happening.

If I was you, I'd probably back off abit but I would remain polite. I wouldn't worry about your child's friendship, kids will be friends with who they want to be, they don't need outside interaction and playdates for that.

Stop making an effort. Get her off your socials. Stop giving any fucks FGS

I hate to break it to you but not all people are nice...

We had one like that. Our kids weren't friends but in the same class.Let's call her A. Occasionally she'd say hello, but usually A would actively avoid me, not make eye contact or just blank me. Then she sat next to me at a Carol concert and was really chatty.
In the final year of school there was an issue that involved several people including me, another parent (B) her child and the other parents child.
A totally kicked off- went absolutely batshit at me and B. Of course the issue was something A's child had done, but she wouldn't have it.
Eventually it got sorted out via the Head Teacher and some advice from a police officer friend of mine.
I still see A. Last time she blanked me, but the time before she smiled and said hello.

I've leaned to just 'smile and wave' and let the kids make friends with whoever. I don't get involved with the parents.

She sounds incredibly rude and ignorant.
stop making the effort, Don’t give her any reason to have anything to say about you, try to stand with a different group of mums or by yourself… I’m not still friends with any of the mums I made friends with in the school playground… as soon as the kids moved onto other Friendships the mums did too…. They’re not real friendships I’ve learned! Just people to pass the time with!!
Don’t worry yourself about it, let your sons be friends and if next year they’re in different classes then he’ll make a new friend anyway!
At parties most parents drop and leave by year 3, so you’ve only got 2 more years of seeing her at parties, and honestly just stand with other people.. make small chat and smile and then leave.
I wouldn’t even look at this woman anymore, when you see her pretend to be taking a call or sending a text… anything but saying hi to her really!! If you can then volunteer to help at events, that way you get to know the more involved parents, I generally found them a nicer bunch in my DD’s school…. Although they definitely had a clique which I was on the outside of! 😂😂 but they were fine to pass time with!

This!!
she sounds awful

I'm THAT person. Maybe not the one you know but exactly the dash in and out mum and avoid other parents. I have a child who's friends with another child who's mum doesn't like me. I found out last year through that mums child who told my child who then told me. The first time I balled my eyes out.. I got told off by the school principle for simply asking the children to always be kind to each other a week after the fact. Soni then sent the mother an email sharing my thoughts on the matter. She never responded so I left it at that. BUT second day of school this year ... same thing again.. my child repeats the same message from the same friend about their parent... but then also tells me another mutual child friends parent also didn't like me.

I'd never gotten close with these mums. The children attended a few of each other's birthday parties and that was it. They've known each other since kindy my child and these other 2 children. And I have always kept a barrier around myself foe this exact react. Because people are judgemental.

I handled it better this second time round simply by emailing the principle on the matter and ask hi to talk to the children's teacher to ensure the children don't say mean things to my child. However on the inside it gives a different kind of 'hurt/anger'... I have dealt with bullies throughout my life... but to allow that message to come through your own children because these people had the audacity to have that conversation in front of their own children... it just really gobsmacks me.

I guess im in the same boat as this OP. Kids are really good friends. But I'm the black sheep. Lil but like OP. People don't interest me like they used to. After years of being treated poorly I think it's only natural to not make eye contact and to not want to talk to people.

Youre response to op is really good.