One of the school mums doesn’t seem to like me

[Theponytales]

And I have no idea why?

My child and her child are friends. I’m always pleasant, say hello, smile. I’m occasionally treated to a “Hi” back. More often than not I’m totally blanked, today she even spoke to another couple of parents in front of me, while I tried to start a conversation while our children were playing together. She physically turned away so she wasn’t facing me.
It’s really hurtful and I have no idea what’s going on.
We are friends on Facebook - I added her a while ago and she accepted.

Earlier this week I stood aside at the gate to let her past and she didn’t even look at me, never mind saying thank you or acknowledging me at all!

' oh she's probably shy' no
'she probably feels intimidated by you' absolutely no
' she is not thinking about you' she is
OP she's an ignorant cunt, treat as such, your kids can be friendly still.

You never get upset about or try to figure out someone else's actions? Never give it a second thought? I'm not buying it.

People who are not very close to me, nope, I don't care what they do.

I did 99% of the school runs and never cared if anyone acknowledged me or not, didn't want to be friends with any of my children's friends parents. That can potentially lead to a whole load of unnecessary hassle if the kids fall out.

Meh people are weird.
might not be you. She might have stuff going on, or she might be like that with everyone (hot and cold). Or maybe she has taken against yoh for no explicable reason which happens too.

My mum had 5 kids and not once did she ever get involved with other parents, just because we were friends with their kids.

There's just no need for it. Arrangements were made by telephone to drop off/pick up kids for playdates.

She had plenty of friends, but never used our schools as a way of making them.

Exactly that

OP, you say you may be lucky to get a "hi" back!! Are you not getting the message that for whatever reason and she may see you as the problem, she is not interest so leave her alone/ignore, please move on as it helps no on

If someone does not say hi back to me, once can be they did not hear me, the 2nd time, fair enough and there will be no third time

No one likes everyone

If you don’t want to be friends why let it bother you? Just breeze on by. Not everyone likes everyone else, or wants to be friends, or can be bothered making small talk at the school gates.

Who knows what her reasons are? They’re pretty irrelevant really. I’d continue with the same polite “hello” I give everyone else and let it go if I were you.

OP, I used to agonise over stuff like this. Then I stopped. And life got so much easier. You don't have to befriend the parents of your child's new friend. It's reception. They'll be playing with someone else by half term.

I just decided to treat people as they treated me - to be passive rather than active in school gate socialising. So ignore her now, look the other way, don't make eye contact. Chat with anyone who is friendly and approachable. Take the pressure off yourself to be close to people you have nothing in common with except a child born in the same year. If you want to invite her child for a playdate, just text her and ask. Keep it brief. I thought everyone would be warm and friendly and direct at school gates as I have had friendships like that all my life. It wasn't that way and it really threw me. But in the end, it really doesn't matter, and it's unneccessary pain to think it does.

I really find it difficult when someone seems to dislike me for no apparent reason and would like to know so I can at least apologise if I’ve done or said something wrong. I don’t expect a friendship, but everyone else is civil with each other and we chat briefly. Only one parent have I met up with outside of school gates and that’s fine.

It’s the total lack of acknowledgment and almost disdain that’s upsetting.

We did used to talk a bit more, that’s why it’s strange and confusing. Our children have been friends since nursery. I suppose my big worry is that it’ll rub off on my son’s relationship with hers, meaning it has a negative impact on him. she’s also very much in with the other parents it seems, so she may turn them against me/him.

It’s not difficult, OP.

I’m assuming this is your eldest and (obviously) it’s your first year at the school gates. It can be a bit of a rude awakening.

Let it go. There will be 29 other sets of parents for each of your children’s school years. You will not like all of them. They will not all like you. Some will have no interest whatsoever in engaging and there’s nothing you’re doing wrong.

Never think that your children’s friendships depend on whether you and the other parents bond. It honestly doesn’t matter in the slightest.

It won’t make parties awkward, it won’t mean your child is lonely.

It feels like it will matter but I promise you it doesn’t. And the easier you find letting those expectations go, the better you will find all the school gate stuff.

Good luck!

I completely understand OP.

I'm past school gates age now but I had similar experiences with mums in the school yard. I was quite young when I started there and took it to heart, tried to figure out what I'd done wrong, what was wrong with me etc. Why were they talking to others and not to me? How could I change things? Etc etc.

But over time I grew stronger (and older!) and decided I wasn't going to let any of that nonsense. bother me. If they didn't want to chat to me, that was fine by me. I would choose to chat to people I liked and who liked me. I wouldn't spend any more time worrying about the rude* ones and would just do my thing.

This completely paid off and I made some decent friends in the school yard who I'm still friends with now. The others became of no value or headspace to me. It was a strategy I took into other areas of my life too and it stopped me being a people pleaser and made me a lot happier.

It may take time, but you can do this too. This woman is not important in your life and you can't control what she thinks or does. You can however control what you do, so focus on people who are warm and friendly.

*Even if it's shyness or social anxiety - it's still rude. We can all smile and say morning. It costs nothing.

I was like this years ago when my child started reception.
I thought that I HAVE to be friends with every single mum at the gate and I felt so excluded what they all chatted together as they knew each other from Nursery which my child didn’t go.
There was this particular mum who seemed like a queen Bee and she completely blanked me. One day we both were on the bus and she tried to put pushchair onto the bus deck and I run from the sitting at back to help her, she only barked at me : I’m ok!!!
So since I stopped caring, also few months later my child moved to another school.

I learnt to think of the other mums as colleagues (aside from those who were actual friends.) We just happened to be in the same space at the same time. Some I liked, some I didn’t. Some liked me, some didn’t.

But I do agree that it’s rude to turn your back on someone or not acknowledge them. And that will hurt. It’s hard to understand behaviour you would never do yourself.

Rude mothers at the school gate is such a cliché. I mean, she is a cliché. Don't give it another thought. It is a thing.

I can't explain it why someone would behave that way unprovoked but a lot of school mums are absolute cunts, don't worry about it.

She might be shy, have social anxiety, she might find you full on and intimidating and so the worse thing she can do is have a convo with you even if she really wants to because she knows she'll say the wrong thing or something stupid.

I'm like that, it's awful
The problem here is you not her

Op, that happened to me too. It is very hurtful. The morning she turned her back to me when I was asking her how she's doing, I came home and cried. I think that's natural when you feel someone is being actively rude to you, and that's what this is. The next couple of times I waited for her to greet me before I said anything, she did one or two times and then she stopped/ I didn't encourage with eye contact. Now we just pass each other and I look through her and ignore. I'm fine with it. No effort from her side either, of course. The only thing that still makes it awkward is that she's often picking up/ dropping off with her husband who is such a friendly guy. He seems surprised I'm no longer saying hi and she just shrugs. I imagine her telling him I must be weirdo... So I guess I still care about what she thinks of me. But mostly not giving it any headspace now.

It's not so hard to tell if a person is shy or has social anxiety. The OP sounds like she knows the person enough to know whether that's the case.

Totally this!

I had two mums ghost me during the reception year- one I was friends with before our kids started school, we met up for playdates etc and chatted often, kids went to each others birthday parties, gave Xmas gifts etc.But she suddenly went really offish, not wanting to talk etc.It peaked when i said hello one day in the playground, she turned to say a chilly 'hi' then turned her back to me.I politely messaged her asking if everything was OK as I had noticed her being more distant towards us and had I done something to offend her.Nothing back.
She continued to ignore me, the weirdly sent me a friendly message inviting my child to hers birthday party.... which i sent a short civil message back accepting, then proceeded to ignore me during it!
The second mum who I knew less well (but our kids were close friends) had become friendly with the other one, and then started ignoring me too, deleted me off social media, and they both still do to this day (the second mum tried to make brief conversation once but I shut her down as I'm sick of the hot and cold attitude, and she had made a complaint about my child calling her child an insult which was completely off the mark as my child didn't even know the words!)

Some people are hard work, and unfortunately being a school mum is absolutely like being back in the playground yourself at times.
I too had the fear of thinking I'd have years of putting up with the cold shoulders at pick ups, parties etc, but the parties have reduced a couple of years on so thats not really an issue now, and whilst I see these mums all the time still, and they still blank me, I just walk past pretending I've never known them, or cross the street.It has got easier over time, as annoying as it is.
It was really hurtful at the time though, I felt rejected and segregated by it, as I'd done nothing wrong yet suddenly they turned against me so intensely.And I worried they were turning their kids against mine too which hurt the most as she was 5 years old!

Some of the one's at my DD's gate don't like me either. I carry on as usual and if I happen to meet their eye they get a quiet but friendly hello. I don't have time in my life for people who decide not to like me on v little evidence but I'm old enough now to not really care. I wouldn't be impolite though.

If people want to make freinds than thats great for them but i think your overthinking this, some parents go to collect child and leave, maybe a hello/good morning now and then but people have very busy lifestyle nowadays. people don't always want or have the time to make friends with other parents, some have multiple children full time jobs clubs things going on behind the scenes life is stressful enough without worrying about things like this she may not even realise what she is doing. This is not worth giving another moment of your time worrying about. X

Boyfriend ghosting me would bother me.
Friend of many years cutting me off? Would bother me.
Stranger at school being rude or ignoring me? I couldn't care less. It's really no loss at all to the OP.

I'm one of those who didn't want to chat at the school gates, I stood at the back, picked him up and off we went. I didn't want school mum friends and I didn't want to make small talk!

People are allowed not to like us. Admittedly, her behaviour is dubious, but not worth concerning yourself over.

Leave her to it.

I really find it difficult when someone seems to dislike me for no apparent reason and would like to know so I can at least apologise if I’ve done or said something wrong.

Unfortunately this is precisely where you are going wrong, OP. You are picking up someone else's baggage. You're internalizing their perceived dislike of you, and concluding that this is a 'you' problem rather than a 'them' problem.

We - by we I mostly mean women who are socialized in this way - are far too apt to scrutinize our own behaviour before we question that of others.

She's choosing to behave like an arse. (Passive Aggressives are arseholes, there's no getting around it). This is her choice. It's her problem.

I know this is easier said than done, and it takes practice: a LOT of practice. Don't internalize her behaviour as a flaw in you personally, and don't pick up baggage that never belonged to you in the first place. It isn't yours. It's hers. Place it squarely back where it belongs: at her feet. And leave it there.

for you.

I’m worried I’m this mum 😳
I honestly don’t see people. I think I’m so focused on getting my kids where they need to be and thinking about what I need to do after I’ve dropped them off that I just have blinkers on. Some of my friends know now that they have to stand right in front of me to get me to see them, if they just come up next to me and say hi there’s no chance. I’d never deliberately snub people but I have on occasion turned around and seen someone next to me and said “oh hi, how long have you been stood there?” And they tell me I walked straight past them.
I also can’t recognise faces in a crowd so if I walk in the playground and you’re the only one there I’ll see you but if there are lots of people milling around you’re just one of a mass of people.
And less often I’m keeping an eye out for one particular person as I need to talk to them about something and so am focused just on that and being able to pick them out of the crowd and don’t notice anyone else
😳
Sorry, I do try (when I remember).

If you force the issue then it’s much more likely to have some sort of impact on the children. Maybe she doesn’t like you, maybe she has a lot going on in life, maybe she is just rude. You don’t know and there is nothing to be gained from pushing things.

just because your children are friends doesn’t mean you have to be

This sort of thing really upset me when my kids were in primary school, but in retrospect I wish I could have just let it wash over me. You have done nothing wrong - the other mum is being weird, but sadly, I don’t think that’s as unusual as you might expect.