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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a dumpable offence?

58 replies

musicthroughthewall · 20/05/2024 15:56

Not been with my boyfriend long (3months ish) and last night we went to the pub to meet with my group of friends for the first time (mix of genders as partners are there too).

My boyfriend lives 20 mins from me but wouldn’t have had any reason to come to this area before meeting me. He bumped into an old female friend at the pub who I believe is an ex of one of his friends.

Anyway they both kept going out for a smoke and each time they were out there ages chatting. I felt so embarrassed that he spent more time with her than he did with me and my friends.

For reference my boyfriend isn’t the shy anxious type, so it wasn’t that he was nervous.

OP posts:
Greenflamesburn · 20/05/2024 15:58

Do you smoke? Do your friends smoke?

StripedTomatoes · 20/05/2024 16:00

Yes, over-reacting and trying to control who your boyfriend speaks to is a dumpable offence for sure.

BlondeFool · 20/05/2024 16:01

I think you are the red flag. He's out smoking talking to an old friend 🤷‍♀️

Ialwaysdomybest · 20/05/2024 16:02

Well I'd dump him for the smoking alone as I wouldn't want to be with a smoker.
But yes that was very poor behaviour from him. He obviously wasn't too interested in meeting your friends and he was being very disrespectful to you.

Original poster
musicthroughthewall · 20/05/2024 16:03

StripedTomatoes · 20/05/2024 16:00

Yes, over-reacting and trying to control who your boyfriend speaks to is a dumpable offence for sure.

I don’t mind who he speaks to.

But I do think it’s rude to be invited to meet my friends and he instead spent the majority of the time away from the group speaking to another woman.

We’re not talking they went for a 10 minute smoke and he came back. I’m saying he was probably with her 70% of the night.

OP posts:
BigPussyEnergy · 20/05/2024 16:04

Ugh, one reason I wouldn’t date a smoker, just sneaking off all the time and interrupting every occasion for their nicotine fix. Whether the smoking of the old friend were the draw only he knows, but it would definitely make me question things.

Original poster
musicthroughthewall · 20/05/2024 16:07

BlondeFool · 20/05/2024 16:01

I think you are the red flag. He's out smoking talking to an old friend 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t have given a shit if it was literally how you are saying it was.

I think we got there about 7ish and left at 10ish. He took at least 2 breaks that I’d guess were 30-40 minutes.

OP posts:
Ialwaysdomybest · 20/05/2024 16:08

musicthroughthewall · 20/05/2024 16:07

I wouldn’t have given a shit if it was literally how you are saying it was.

I think we got there about 7ish and left at 10ish. He took at least 2 breaks that I’d guess were 30-40 minutes.

Show quote history

It does sound as though he is more interested in her than you.
At least you've found out early in your relationship.

JJathome · 20/05/2024 16:11

I mean if that’s true he spent 3 hours at the pub which includes 2 to 3 smokes of 40 mins each outside smoking , and 70 percent outside then yes it’s dumpabke, but was it really like that, as honestly you read like you’re jealous as it was a woman.

Taurusenergy · 20/05/2024 16:11

Did you join them at any point? Just asking as maybe it was just a innocent catch up. My husband is a chatterbox but I can see why if he spent most the night talking to her I don't think I'd be happy. It's not possessive to feel bit put out. I probably would of felt same tbh.

Have you told him how you feel?

Samlewis96 · 20/05/2024 16:13

Maybe he didn't like your mates much or felt like a spare part but knew you be ok as they were your friends

Macbeff · 20/05/2024 16:14

I kind of understand where you’re coming from but you can hardly blame him - meeting each other’s friends is the worst. That said, I hate the “couples” scene and I’m just thankful DH and I have separate groups of friends.

Excited101 · 20/05/2024 16:16

He should have prioritised you and the friends he was there to meet. He should have wanted to! He could meet up with his friends any other time- that night wasn’t about him and his friends.

id have been upset, annoyed and embarrassed I think. Not sure he’s that into you op, bin him off.

lonerr · 20/05/2024 16:19

This would annoy the shit out of me.
If I was in your position I'd probably have a word with him about it and see what his reaction is - that should tell you everything you need to know.

EmilyTjP · 20/05/2024 16:30

I just think you can’t really like him that much if you can dump him for this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2024 16:31

What did your friends think? Because when DH met my friends he made a huge effort. I think because we were both aware this was an important relationship and he wanted them to like him. The fact that yours didn't is less of a good sign.

Have a chat though, see what he says.

Greenandblue1988 · 20/05/2024 16:33

YANBU. Some posters here have very low standards. I would dump him. Don't spend the next however long trying to fight for his attention when he'd rather hang out with another woman.

Samlewis96 · 20/05/2024 16:36

Macbeff · 20/05/2024 16:14

I kind of understand where you’re coming from but you can hardly blame him - meeting each other’s friends is the worst. That said, I hate the “couples” scene and I’m just thankful DH and I have separate groups of friends.

Glad my partner WAS one of my friendship group so didn't have to worry about this. And yeah I personally hate all this groups of couples stuff.

Emmylou22 · 20/05/2024 16:46

Yeah, that would piss me off too. The smoking is irrelevant (unless that's a dealbreaker for you). It's the fact he was on a night out with his girlfriend to be introduced to her friends, and spent most of the night disappearing to talk to another woman. You are worth more.

Lighteningstrikes · 20/05/2024 16:47

Very shoddy behaviour.
He was extremely rude and bad mannered.

It would have wound me up to fever-pitch.

I bet you felt completely dropped, because he obviously preferred catching up with her as opposed to being with you and enjoying you and your friends company.

Fuck him off now, because this will be part of a selfish nature.

MILTOBE · 20/05/2024 16:54

I agree he found her more interesting than you and your mates and they've got smoking in common. I'd leave them to it, OP, and find someone better.

Ace56 · 20/05/2024 16:56

It was rude of him, yes. Seems like he was trying to avoid your friends. Have you spoken to him about it?

TotalDramarama24 · 20/05/2024 17:11

Yeah that's incredibly rude of him and probably gave a really shitty impression to your friends when you would think he would want to make a good impression. I'd dump him.

Original poster
musicthroughthewall · 20/05/2024 17:15

Macbeff · 20/05/2024 16:14

I kind of understand where you’re coming from but you can hardly blame him - meeting each other’s friends is the worst. That said, I hate the “couples” scene and I’m just thankful DH and I have separate groups of friends.

What couples scene? It wasn’t all couples. I just wanted to point out that I wasn’t introducing him to a group of just females where he might have felt a spare part.

I don’t really care if anyone considers meeting friends as the worst. I think being rude and not even attempting to interact with people is just rude.

OP posts:
Elieza · 20/05/2024 17:41

I'd dump and move on.

He should have had shorter fag breaks and been straight back with you if he was into you.

It could be that he was just catching up with an old friend but the ignorance of leaving you with a group of strangers so he could do that is just plain out of order.

I don't date smokers.