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AIBU?

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Original poster

Could I ask for some perspective on this interaction please?

57 replies

Snowblossom171 · 19/05/2024 14:10

Dh and I have been together for 30 years. We've been bickering a lot lately. It's the same argument, I feel he doesn't speak to me very nicely at times, he can't see that he's doing anything wrong. I know it's difficult without hearing tone of voice but this is an example and I really like to know if I'm being overly sensitive.

It's never about big stuff, just mundane day to day interactions.

So today, we've got an egg chair and I like to take the L part of the sofa to use as a footstool with it (it's a small sofa for the conservation), there's a 2nd smaller sofa that can still be used in there.

Me: could you take the 'footstool' into the garden for me please? (It's too heavy for me to carry).

Dh: what am I going to sit on now?

Me: the other sofa, you'll manage.

Dh: well I'll have to won't I.

I know it's a very brief conversation but things like this are staring to mount up and make me unhappy. I just want to be spoken to nicely. Dh doesn't see anything wrong in it at all.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
AnnaSewell · 19/05/2024 14:14

It can be a bit irritating to be asked to move stuff around on a regular basis.

Your husband's tone sounds a bit passive-aggressive. It might be more direct to say directly if he felt you should either be furniture shifting yourself or just taking something less heavy into and out of the garden.

Appleblum · 19/05/2024 14:16

I think you gave a bad example here as you started being unpleasant first. You could have just said 'the other sofa' instead of adding on 'you'll manage', which made it sound like you're belittling him.

Original poster
Snowblossom171 · 19/05/2024 14:17

Appleblum · 19/05/2024 14:16

I think you gave a bad example here as you started being unpleasant first. You could have just said 'the other sofa' instead of adding on 'you'll manage', which made it sound like you're belittling him.

Yeh you're right with me responding with the 'I'll manage' wasn't great but him asking what he was going to sit on was ridiculous as we've got 2 sofas in there and he knows that.

OP posts:
lhlh · 19/05/2024 14:18

Hmmm

This doesn't come across well OP.

Unless you have a disability, you do sound a bit princessy asking for stuff to be moved to the garden for you. I have been with my dh a similar amount of time and can't imagine asking him to do something like this.

He clearly wanted it inside to use and informed you of this and you said "you'll manage". I might have replied - yes I will manage, I'm happy sitting here and you can sort yourself out.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 19/05/2024 14:19

Your interaction with him comes across as a bit smart and bossy though. Maybe he is feeling resentful.
You both need to have it out and be honest about why you're both annoyed.

ForensicFlossy · 19/05/2024 14:20

Not a great example OP, this paints you as the instigator.

Original poster
Snowblossom171 · 19/05/2024 14:21

lhlh · 19/05/2024 14:18

Hmmm

This doesn't come across well OP.

Unless you have a disability, you do sound a bit princessy asking for stuff to be moved to the garden for you. I have been with my dh a similar amount of time and can't imagine asking him to do something like this.

He clearly wanted it inside to use and informed you of this and you said "you'll manage". I might have replied - yes I will manage, I'm happy sitting here and you can sort yourself out.

I am disabled, it's not that heavy but I have an anal fissure at the moment so lifting and sitting are uncomfortable (which is why I use the footstool outside, it takes the pressure off the rump!).

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowblossom171 · 19/05/2024 14:22

ForensicFlossy · 19/05/2024 14:20

Not a great example OP, this paints you as the instigator.

Could you explain why please?

I really want to improve things.

OP posts:
TheBestEverMouse · 19/05/2024 14:24

I had an ex like this and honestly it was exhausting. I became someone I didn't like making the kind of comment you did because he was such a man child.

My solution was to get rid of him and I'm much more chilled and a nice person with my DH. Sometimes dynamics with people turn us into people we don't want to be.

thanKyouaIMee · 19/05/2024 14:25

I think I'd be a bit miffed if DH wanted the comfy egg chair and the L part of a sofa, leaving me with a smaller sofa and telling me "you'll manage" whilst also expecting me to do the heavy lifting!

ThinWomansBrain · 19/05/2024 14:25

I started reading thinking 'well if you've endured 30 years, maybe time to move on, but you make it sound as if that was what he was actually sitting on at the time.
So, houseful of furniture, presumably some garden furniture too, you not only want the actual seat he is sitting on, you expect him to lug it outside for you?
I think DH has every right to be hacked off.

Back to my original position - maybe time for you both to move on, give DH some peace & quiet.

Pterodacty1 · 19/05/2024 14:26

Snowblossom171 · 19/05/2024 14:22

Could you explain why please?

I really want to improve things.

Show quote history

You are asking him to do you a favour. As such, you need to be persuasive. Instead you're being demanding and entitled.

pigsDOfly · 19/05/2024 14:26

Going against the grain here.

When did people stop doing kind things for the people they supposedly love.

OP is not in great health at the moment and she just wanted a bit of help and to feel comfortable. Sounds like she asked nicely and said please.

My exh never did anything for me to make my life easier, or even just to help with the running of the house generally, and it wears away at you in the end.

WhySoManySocks · 19/05/2024 14:26

“Sorry DH, would it be possible for you to move to the other sofa so I can use this as a footstool? I’m a bit sore and would really appreciate it.”

”Thank you. Could I also ask you to help
me take it outside?”

“Thank you, I really appreciate it: I’ll pull my weight again when I’m better :) ”

BobbyBiscuits · 19/05/2024 14:26

It kind of depends. Was he literally sitting on the sofa when you asked for the 'stool'? Is that somewhere he tends to sit to do a certain activity, is it nicer/comfier than the smaller one?
The 'you'll manage'; I've found that is often followed by 'well I'll have to won't I?' or something similar. Just bc it's kind of presumptuous. Like saying that it doesn't matter if he doesn't get to sit there. So it's dismissive in a way.
That's not to say he can't be a grumpy rude sod sometimes though.
This won't solve your martial issues could you buy a pouffe/footstool just for you and the egg chair?

Original poster
Snowblossom171 · 19/05/2024 14:27

ThinWomansBrain · 19/05/2024 14:25

I started reading thinking 'well if you've endured 30 years, maybe time to move on, but you make it sound as if that was what he was actually sitting on at the time.
So, houseful of furniture, presumably some garden furniture too, you not only want the actual seat he is sitting on, you expect him to lug it outside for you?
I think DH has every right to be hacked off.

Back to my original position - maybe time for you both to move on, give DH some peace & quiet.

No he wasn't sitting on it at the time.

OP posts:
Muthaofcats · 19/05/2024 14:27

This sounds like you being the issue (I assume you’re asking for honest objective appraisals so not intending to be rude). The ‘you’ll manage’ is really shitty and I’m assuming the chair you’ve asked him to move was one he was using? That is also a bit entitled and selfish so definitely doesn’t warrant an arsey quip like ‘you’ll manage’. Just sounds like contempt for him so I’m not surprised you got the reaction you did. If you’re worried about your interactions why don’t you start by saying you were sorry if you can’t across as rude just now?

Notthatcatagain · 19/05/2024 14:30

Maybe time to take the easy route and buy a lightweight folding footstool and a nice cushion to go on it

fieldsofbutterflies · 19/05/2024 14:30

I agree with everyone saying this isn't a great example as it paints you as the instigator 😬

If you wanted him to do you a favour, saying "the other sofa, you'll manage" isn't really the way to go about it.

StormingNorman · 19/05/2024 14:30

Dh: what am I going to sit on now?

Me: the other sofa, you'll manage.

He was actually sitting on the footstool when you asked him to take it outside for you. No wonder he was pissed off.

Your anal fissure doesn’t take priority over everything. If you can’t sit comfortably in the egg chair, you sit somewhere else. At the very least, you ASK if he would mind you having the footstool outside.

Original poster
Snowblossom171 · 19/05/2024 14:30

BobbyBiscuits · 19/05/2024 14:26

It kind of depends. Was he literally sitting on the sofa when you asked for the 'stool'? Is that somewhere he tends to sit to do a certain activity, is it nicer/comfier than the smaller one?
The 'you'll manage'; I've found that is often followed by 'well I'll have to won't I?' or something similar. Just bc it's kind of presumptuous. Like saying that it doesn't matter if he doesn't get to sit there. So it's dismissive in a way.
That's not to say he can't be a grumpy rude sod sometimes though.
This won't solve your martial issues could you buy a pouffe/footstool just for you and the egg chair?

Edited

Yeh I think you've nailed it there. No he wasn't sitting on it at the time but it is the comfier sofa.

Thankyou, that was the perspective I needed.

I feel relieved to know that people don't think my DH is unkind.

I've got so much on my plate at the moment. Work stress, teens, peri menopause, disability (as mentioned) and my mum is dying of cancer.

I know people will say I'm drip feeding but I just wanted an unbiased opinion. I feel so fragile.

OP posts:
Pterodacty1 · 19/05/2024 14:31

What would have happened if he'd have said no (to bringing the footstool out)? If you're asking a a favour, you need to be ready to accept it being declined.

LemonDrizzles · 19/05/2024 14:32

"I'd really like the stool outside to sit on but I know you like sitting on it inside. And chance I could have some help moving it outside temporarily? Can't wait until my fissures heal a bit more because then I could live it myself"

Original poster
Snowblossom171 · 19/05/2024 14:35

StormingNorman · 19/05/2024 14:30

Dh: what am I going to sit on now?

Me: the other sofa, you'll manage.

He was actually sitting on the footstool when you asked him to take it outside for you. No wonder he was pissed off.

Your anal fissure doesn’t take priority over everything. If you can’t sit comfortably in the egg chair, you sit somewhere else. At the very least, you ASK if he would mind you having the footstool outside.

He wssnt sitting on it, he wasn't even in the same room as it.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 19/05/2024 14:36

He is very reactive and has contempt for you—and you don’t like him much either—on the strength of the situation (you are disabled and in pain and he only grudgingly does you a minor favour).

I speak to my dh of 30 years more sweetly than you do but that is our style. I would have said “Darling can you…” and if he objected I might well have said “I think you can manage…” without his taking offence.

But your request was fine. Your husband just isn’t interested in your comfort. My Dh would leap at the chance to make my life easier or ease my physical discomfort regardless of how I phrased my request because thats who he is—not because of who I am or how I phrase my request.