Could I ask for some perspective on this interaction please?

[Snowblossom171]

Dh and I have been together for 30 years. We've been bickering a lot lately. It's the same argument, I feel he doesn't speak to me very nicely at times, he can't see that he's doing anything wrong. I know it's difficult without hearing tone of voice but this is an example and I really like to know if I'm being overly sensitive.

It's never about big stuff, just mundane day to day interactions.

So today, we've got an egg chair and I like to take the L part of the sofa to use as a footstool with it (it's a small sofa for the conservation), there's a 2nd smaller sofa that can still be used in there.

Me: could you take the 'footstool' into the garden for me please? (It's too heavy for me to carry).

Dh: what am I going to sit on now?

Me: the other sofa, you'll manage.

Dh: well I'll have to won't I.

I know it's a very brief conversation but things like this are staring to mount up and make me unhappy. I just want to be spoken to nicely. Dh doesn't see anything wrong in it at all.

Am I being over sensitive?

I can't sit comfortably on any chair!

Uh…I think an anal fissure takes priority with respect to seating arrangements.

Maybe, but that doesn't mean you basically get to tell the other person to just suck it up. There are ways of going about it.

I know it was just an example but I'd be irritated about being asked to move heavy indoor furniture back and for to the outside. On this particular point you need to buy some garden stools.
I also have an illness - it's long term- and I'll never be able to drive again. I'm very aware that love and goodwill can start to evaporate if people feel taken for granted.

So you wanted the outdoor chair, and to take the comfy sofa out if action, and for him to carry it around. Then expect him to be happy to do all of this when you were a bit dismissive of him?

Yes, a kind and gentle spouse may well give up the comfy chair and carry it outside for you to sit in the nice outside chair.... but that's done on the basis of their spouse being kind and grateful when asking, rather than entitled.

This definitely has been a tad drip feed like @Snowblossom171.
I get that things are tough for you but I also see OHs point.
Perhaps you need to make sure you have the furniture you need to hand - a lightweight version of a stool or whatever, which doesn't have to be moved all the time.

I think it took a turn at 'you'll manage" personally, but I also know it's really hard to describe tone accurately, and you were there, and if you're feeling upset with the way he's speaking to you recently then you likely won't be making it up.

If you try and think what's behind the interaction, it sounds to me like you feel unsupported, he feels put upon, and you both feel disregarded by the other.

It's really easy for contempt to seep into a relationship, and it's to be avoided at all costs. Tell him that. Tell him that you're noticing that you're starting to snap at each other, and would be really up for both making a concerted effort to be kinder and sweeter to each other especially while things are a bit on top for you, and would he consider joining you in the efforts?

See how that goes, if he doesn't then you'll know that it's not accidental.

Do you have any other examples?

@Snowblossom171 thank you. You sound like you've a lot on your plate. I hope you can spend some time doing something nice just for you. And that your situation improves. X

I quite often ask my DS to move things for me. He's 6'4 with long arms and I am 5'4. Generally speaking we do things for each other-neither of us would struggle away at something the other would find easy.

Thankyou, that was really helpful. I'm going to do as you've suggested.

I remember my parents going through a phase of bickering all the time. It was when I was a teenager too. My mum would have been heading for menopause, also experiencing losing their parents etc.

They're lovely together now and I can't belive they ever had arguments like they used to (they did have some whoppers alongside the arguing). Again, over nothing major.

I can see that we're having the same problem and I really want to nip it in the bud.

My brother is physically disabled and in a wheelchair. I honestly love helping him out but he will always ask nicely if he need helps and follow with 'Cheers, I appreciate that'.
He takes my mother for granted though and will order her about the place. It definitely gets on her nerves and she suppresses her anger but she dies resent his behaviour in those moments.
Tone and manners in a request is paramount to how a request will be received.
We're all going through something (everyone is) but we still have to try to be nice.

Have you considered how hard it might be for him? Teenagers are still his, helping support a disabled wife who's mum is going through cancer treatment?

It's not easy to be the support either. Especially when the person you are trying to support is demanding and entitled rather than understanding and grateful

Do you have other examples of his behavior?

This was my thought too. I wouldn't want to be lugging part of the sofa in to the garden. The "You'll manage" sounds a bit patronising and rude. In this exchange I feel more on his side, than yours I'm afraid! Do you have any other examples?

Then he was about to be and you broke up the best sofa.

Honestly, I don’t think you realise that you sound like hard work. You didn’t ask nicely. You dressed an instruction up as a question. Why not say, “oh sorry, I didn’t realise you were about to sit there. I’ll sort something else out”.

do you have other disabilities other than a fissure or is that your disability ? It might be uncomfortable/very painful but that alone is no reason to be ordering someone around or be rude. It sounds like you have a lot on but that’s no excuse for talking badly to your partner.

Me: the other sofa, you'll manage

If you want him to speak to you nicely op, he might be more inclined to do so if you returned the favour.

A 'nice' response would have been 'oh do you mind sitting on the other sofa please? I could really do with the stool'.

Your response screams 'you? I DGAF tbh'.

Buy a footstool for the garden, being expected to move a bit of furniture in and out constantly would irritate me tbh

Yep. I get it op. Instead of just giving you a hand he asked a deliberately snarky question to make it look like you're the instigator (it's definitely worked on here) when you understandably gave a snarky answer.

How worrying he can't work out where to sit on his own.

Its weary, I see this in my friends DH. Everything she does he'll question it. I can see it grinding her down. Pp got it right when she said it's contempt.

Yanbu at all

I think if you’d asked differently to begin with, he might not have got the hump. You told him you were having the footstool when the polite thing to do would be to check if he minds, rather than presenting it as a done deal and being dismissive when he raised an objection. Maybe think about how you’re initiating conversations and see if that reduces the number of times you don’t like his tone.

But he wasn't even in the same room, but op still needs to check in case he wanted to use it? How exhausting to have to do that!

"Hey DH is it OK if I use the blue cup? You're not using it but I just want to double check you won't want to in the next 20 minutes"

I don't see anything wrong with how op worded it to her own DH. The DH could have replied with "ah bugger I was about to get comfy love, do you definitely need it?" like a normal person.

But he wasn't even in the same room, but op still needs to check in case he wanted to use it? How exhausting to have to do that!

But she was asking him to help move it, not just taking it when it wasn't being used. If you need someone to help you, then you don't basically tell them to just suck up the consequences.

I guess op responded in kind to his facetious question. Can't say I blame her tbh if other interactions are like this.

(Don't even know if I'm using facetious in the right context there 😬 trying to say it was clearly a non question on his part as the answer was obvious - sit on the other 4 or 5 available seats)

Me: could you take the 'footstool' into the garden for me please? (It's too heavy for me to carry).

Dh: what am I going to sit on now?

A perfectly polite request followed by an irrational 'what about me?' response, I am assuming in an unpleasant tone of voice.

I am with you OP. If he no longer speaks to you with kindness, then the rot has set in. You need a big conversation.

Unfortunately the cliché of the 'grumpy old man' has roots in a lot of reality. Many man just become quite unpleasant in later life. I don't know why.

I’m having the exact same issue as you OP.
I don’t ask much of my husband so it’s not nagging or anything like that but I am sick to death of his short snappy replies to everything.
“Dinners ready” Me.
”ALRIGHT!” Him.
It’s literally every conversation. I just get a huff reply and it’s driving me insane. He never used to be like this, we’ve been together years.
I brought it up as it’s getting wearing and he said he isn’t. I’m going to start recording him so he can see it.