How to give less of a shit about what people think

[bumface232]

I got friendly with a school mum a few years ago. Over the last few months she's started blanking me and I have no idea why. One minute she was super friendly, the next nothing. I know from the time I socialised with her that she could be quite bitchy and prone to falling out with people so I chose not to confront her and fuel the fire. But I've recently deleted her from social media because I don't want someone who clearly has such an issue with me seeing all we do as a family.

It got me thinking. Even though I'm quite sure I've done nothing wrong I still doubt myself. Why has someone suddenly taken against me? Is it my fault? Rather than put it down to them being arseholes I always tend to blame myself and worry about it.

I have a friend who honestly doesn't give one shit about what people think of her, she just gets on with life and seems really happy. I've always been a people pleaser and worry too much about other people's opinions. How can I change this about myself? If people are horrible I just wish it could be like water off a ducks back.

Getting older definitely helps.

I sympathise I would worry what the reason was too. But it helps me to think that they’re not a very nice person to act that way and so it’s a lucky escape to not be connected to them. Rise above it as she clearly is very immature and has issues.

Yeah, I'm 67 and have zero fucks to give anymore.

It's bloody marvellous 😀

what’s it like when you see each other at the school gate now you’ve deleted her?

It took me a long time, but my light bulb moment was realising that no one I liked, respected and wanted as a friend for genuine reasons (rather than convenience for example) ever made me feel this way, because its always reciprocal. The people where I've been mistreated, blanked, or had other issues with, if I'm honest, I had issues with them too. This is true for you. A person you describe as prone to spitefulness and dropping friends isn't someone you really like anyway, so it doesn't matter. The time to worry is when the lovely kind people don't want to know you!

But you don’t like her. Could it have come across? Or maybe it just faded, over time things fade if your kids aren’t close, or maybe she’s tired, has something going on at home.

I think it’s rarely to do with the other person and more that they’ve something going on at home and they just don’t have the energy to be sociable with everyone. I don’t think it’s ever about not giving two shits as I think that implies you’re thinking ‘fuck then I’m fine on my own’ (which I’ve always only thought when I’m at a bad place. I think it’s more about being content with your life and so things like this just fall away from you.

Same here.
It comes with age and is very liberating.

Friendships definitely wax and wane. I'd console myself by thinking that she's done it to other people so it's her not me with the issue.

Well I'm nearly 59 but I still care what people think so not necessarily just an age thing

Reading the phrase, "what other people think of you is none of your business" helped me.

I understand OP. As an ex-people pleaser pleaser myself, I don't think there is a magic cure; it is about progressively shifting your thought process about people like this.

As a general point: I think you are giving this woman too much headspace. So she has fallen out with you; so what? You can shrug it off and focus on other people. I doubt it is anything you have done so stop second guessing and blaming yourself. You knew that she was the type to fall out with people and now she has got around to you. It is not you, it is her.

As you want to be more like her, have you thought about talking it through with your friend who doesn't care what people think of her? You can ask her how you would respond in situations like this and try to emulate it.

Many many years ago, I worked in the same building as a lady who always came across a really nice. We used to chat if we came across each other. One day, I plucked up the courage to ask if she fancied grabbing a coffee sometime. She was very pleasant, but said no. I was a little surprised, then she told me she thought I was a really nice person, but felt threatened by me, so wasn't prepared to get into a friendship.
I realised then that I couldn't really change someone's opinion of me, so there was not much point in trying.

Yes, the question here, OP, is why you’re so upset about the defection of someone you knew all along was prone to bitchiness and falling out with people. Were you hoping it would be different with you?

I’m not sure @5128gap is entirely right, in that I have genuinely liked people and thought of them as genuine friends, who subsequently dropped me because they didn’t have the capacity/ I was just a situational friend to them, but with hindsight, I can see that this was a pattern of behaviour in their lives.

When you realize you can't control what other people do. When you realize most people think about you far less than you think they do and just going about their lives. When you realize their reaction is normally down to something else in their life. If she's known for being bitchy etc perhaps she's just a bit crap socially and it's a her thing not a you thing, perhaps she just doesn't have the capacity to maintain friendships.

Turning 40 made a real difference to me on this stuff some how……

Start focussing on whether you like them. If someone’s blanking you, that isn’t very likeable. It doesn’t make you feel good. So they’re not someone you want in your life. Next!

The trick is recognising you are not an object to be approved of and accepted by others. You get to choose who you want to be around, as well. If you don’t enjoy someone’s company or feel weird or anxious around them, or they behave in ways that confuse you, then they don’t make the cut of people you want to hang out with.

Something I see on here a lot is ‘what have I done wrong?’ - as though if you do everything ‘right’ it will invariably produce the social response you want from other people. But this doesn’t take into account the wild card that is other people - their minds, their lives, the ways they are different from you. They’re not machines you can program to be friendly, if you just enter the right commands.

99% of the time when someone’s being frosty it isn’t because you’ve offended them. It’s because they’re preoccupied by something going on in their own life, or they’re moody, or they have some sort of social communication issue, or they don’t recognise or remember you, or you remind them of their cousin who they fell out with, or you’re just not compatible for whatever reason. It’s out of your hands.

Also: get support for social anxiety. All the rational thinking in the world won’t help if you don’t tackle the underlying anxiety here.

No change at all. I'm sure she's noticed but she hasn't said anything. But she wasn't speaking before either.

I did like her in the sense that she was nice to pass the time of day with and was actually quite generous at times - getting me a birthday card and things like that. But I knew from the way she spoke that she was quite competitive and could be unpleasant about others so no it's no skin off my nose and I don't miss her company as such, it just makes me a bit anxious on the school run.

I often read here that older folk suddenly stop caring what people think about their behaviour, dress, opinions, etc, as if age gives them certain societal rights.

I disagree. I’m 69 and think as I always have done… I do care what people think of me.

Getting older, losing people to death.. I couldn't give a fuck anymore. I used to get confused why people would suddenly blank me and I hadn't done anything. But they're just acquaintances, who knows what goes on in their heads or what someone has incorrectly told them. I'm not wasting energy caring anymore
But I care more about people generally than I used to, just not what they think 😂

I don’t think it’s about rights. I think many people (myself included) reach a point in life where their own mentality shifts. It’s nothing to do with feeling entitled - it’s more an ability to let go of being tortured by a painful yearning to be approved of 100% of the time by random strangers / acquaintances / everyone we encounter. And a recognition that not everyone is going to like us, and all we can do is behave ethically and conduct ourselves with decency and the rest is out of our hands.

@Bunnyhair Exactly, I think @Petrine has understood wrong. No-one is talking about people not caring what others think so they become rude, entitled, not pleasant to be around, inconsiderate.
We still continue to be good caring people, myself even more so as I get older.
But I just don't care if people like my outfit, or if someone starts blanking me out or nowhere I won't get anxious about it, I'm not afraid of saying no if I don't want to do something, I don't care if someone thinks I'm too xyz with my kids etc etc.
It's so freeing to not care and spend thoughts on pointless stuff. But I care ABOUT people a lot more. It's definitely a perk of getting older for me

Eg everywhere I've been in my life, I've been well liked and have friends but a number of people who have never met me or know anything about me don't seem to like my face (all women). It used to bother me but now I just think "well can't be helped, that's their problem and I'm not going to let it affect my self esteem"

I’m a recovering people pleaser, still have occasional lapses, but what I find helpful for me is considering why does it matter if this person dislikes me, what’s the worst that can happen. Erm…they don’t like me, well they didn’t anyway, so why am I trying to desperately gain their approval and show my worthiness . Reassure yourself it’s ok for someone to dislike you.
In your case you recognised she was an unpleasant person and un friended her, so she now knows you don’t like her and what happened as a consequence of this ? NOTHING HAPPENED.
I’d also consider what exactly it is you’re now feeling anxious about , a showdown at the school gates, she’ll tell everyone how you unfriended her. Tackle each possible scenario being thrown out by your anxious mind. Ultimately most scenarios will come back to people in some way disapproving of you. Again consider does it matter.
I do think as another person said it’s a gradual shift, you won’t just go from people pleasing to don’t give a fuck overnight. I’m older and I don’t necessarily think it’s an age thing either apart from you have less energy to care. My mums in her 70s and still does it. It’s the conditioning you’ve had growing up that is difficult to break, so don’t compare yourself to your friend that likely had a different experience to you as a child.

Same here 62 and I couldn't care less.