How to give less of a shit about what people think

[bumface232]

I got friendly with a school mum a few years ago. Over the last few months she's started blanking me and I have no idea why. One minute she was super friendly, the next nothing. I know from the time I socialised with her that she could be quite bitchy and prone to falling out with people so I chose not to confront her and fuel the fire. But I've recently deleted her from social media because I don't want someone who clearly has such an issue with me seeing all we do as a family.

It got me thinking. Even though I'm quite sure I've done nothing wrong I still doubt myself. Why has someone suddenly taken against me? Is it my fault? Rather than put it down to them being arseholes I always tend to blame myself and worry about it.

I have a friend who honestly doesn't give one shit about what people think of her, she just gets on with life and seems really happy. I've always been a people pleaser and worry too much about other people's opinions. How can I change this about myself? If people are horrible I just wish it could be like water off a ducks back.

The question is, do you have more important things to be giving head space to? Nowadays, in the rare event I find myself wondering whether someone likes me I'm quick to remind myself that I don't necessarily like everyone I interact with. I don't go out of my way to blank them but I keep any interactions short, neutral and infrequent (if possible).

I'm also 62 so guess I've arrived at this conclusion over time; a combination of experience and consciously thinking through the 'does it actually matter in the grand scheme of things?' process.

(Also suspect that having ADHD has been quite helpful too - as in, out of sight, out of mind and onto the next thing!)

I had a sudden epiphany one day that it went both ways. I was always previously blaming myself but then I suddenly realised it takes two. They needed to make an effort too, they needed to also be willing to make the first move etc etc. So now, while I'm by no means a completely reformed people pleaser, I am much better at shrugging off people's weird behaviour as it doesn't just have to be me who makes an effort. I'll leave the ball in their court and move on.

Therapy also helps, to be honest. Takes less time than age, depending on your starting point 😂

I don't like everyone, so I don't assume everyone will like me. Sometimes people just don't gel. I'm a weird cup a tea and not everyone is into that.

I've met people before and for whatever reason I know we'll never be friends. Nothing wrong with them. Just no connection.

I've never struggled to make friends, so I'm fine with things. I have wonderful friends.

I had a woman I barely know who I met a couple times because we are both adoptive moms. She messaged out of the blue after 10 years and it's been intense. I didn't respond to her last message because it's overwhelming. I feel like her therapist. I'll message back eventually but it's been a week now. She might be wondering what's wrong with me. I need boundaries though.

She said she's a people pleaser and has no friends and that's why. I think she doesn't have boundaries and expects others not to either.

She's not a bad person. But I'm not going to be her best friend. People are all different and expect different things from friendships.

I agree that you won't always get along with everyone you meet. But when someone had gotten on with you and been kind to you then suddenly blank you, it just makes you wonder why. I have no doubt that she is the issue here (deep down I know this) but I'm still questioning myself and wondering what she's saying about me to others.
The logical, grown up part of my brain knows it doesn't matter and that I shouldn't care but it's still an uncomfortable feeling.
Quite often I'm stood alone at the school while she's holding court with other mums and I just feel like a bit of a loner.

I’m currently having therapy and what’s come out is I’ve had a life long issue with this exact thing. It’s horrible. But I’ve realised it’s been the root of my issues all my life so I need to work on it.

1 single phrase I heard a couple years ago was a light bulb moment to me
"The way another person behaves towards you says everything about them and nothing about you"

So a kind decent person will behave in a respectful way to everyone unless given cause to do otherwise. That's not to say they will be everyone best friend, but they will shown consideration to others.

An unkind person will be nice to those for who there is a benefit in them doing so, and not nice to others, regardless of whether that person has dine abutting harmful to them.

Or some people may snap at you because of other things they have going on, and you just hapenned to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, it's actually nothing to do with you.

We often think people are behaving in a certain way because of how they see us. But very often it's due to how they see themselves, they are looking at people through their lens.

I don't recommend this one...

A cancer diagnosis

When I realised how lucky I was to get through the other side of it I couldn't care less. I tend to ask myself the question "would they have come to my funeral" if no then bye bye and on with life we all go.

Get older. I'm mid fifties and I don't give a rats arse what people think of me. You do go through a period of replaying past hurts and saying your l'esprit d'escalier comment but once you've done that life is good,

Once I heard that ruining your reputation is only way to be free (or something like that).
I was 20 and it changed my life.
I simply go through life doing all stupid shit I want to do.
Only thing off limits for me is something that would really hurt my partner or few close friends or terrible financial decisions/ending up in jail as I have children.
I am the clown and the world is my circus.

'The logical, grown up part of my brain knows it doesn't matter and that I shouldn't care but it's still an uncomfortable feeling.'

That is the part of your brain you should listen to OP and identify yourself with. You can detach yourself from this uncomfortable feeling, you yourself know that it is not rational. Let those feelings unfurl themselves and do their worst; you can't stop them arising but you know they are wrong, and you can get on with your life regardless.

When you are a decent person you presume that everyone is the same but some are just not. This woman's behaviour really is nothing to do with you. And you can't control what she says about you to others; life really is too short to care.

For me, it was getting older (am 55) but also realising that my friends are really decent, nice people who I'm proud to call friends. So I figured I must be an alright kind of person, because they like me. Which means, in turn, that if someone doesn't like me, it's not me, it's them.

If that makes sense.

(it also helps that most of the above-mentioned friends have seen me at my absolute worst over the years and still seem to think I'm ok. Which is nice.)

Here’s the thing, you can’t ever control what people think. Worrying when you can’t do anything about it is just a waste of energy and impacts on you unnecessarily.
the thing about your school mum friend is just the same, she might be just getting about her business and unaware she’s had this impact on you. Are you certain she is blanking you ? I know for me school runs are literally drop and run. I’m always on the clock.
my friend recently said to me ‘you’ve not been your self lately’. I was like wtf? I’ve been really busy and maybe her interpretation is similar to yours ? Just a thought x

I always like the phrase " other people's opinions of you are none of your business."

Unless it's my ds, partner, or best friends, people's opinions of me don't matter.

I am absolutely certain. It's very obvious. I'm not one for social media bullshit but she used to like and comment on every single post and that stopped (still very active and always views my story and everything else I ever post though). This is why I deleted her.
Then followed the in person blanking. It really couldn't be any more obvious. Head down, back turned, will actively avoid me.
You are all right, it's a her problem not a me problem and I need to work on my own self esteem to not let it phase me. I just wish I was a naturally breezy, unbothered person. But I worry a lot and feel things too deeply. Also tend to think I'm always the one at fault somehow (even though in this scenario I know I'm not) which again boils down to self esteem.
I feel a lot better knowing she can't see my posts and also not having to see her. It's like she's disappeared in that respect. But on the other side I know it will fuel the fire in the sense that she will now paint me as the one with the problem for removing her. Which again, I need to learn to ignore and not care about.

Op I had someone block me on Facebook but she still follows me on Instagram and watches my stories.

She was mad I put up boundaries and I guess wanted me to know that, but also still see my personal life. I let her. I get it. I'm pretty fascinating. 😉

This was 5 years ago and she still follows me! I kinda love it. I have my own hater.

I’m sorry to hear about this. 💐
I had similar after my child died. Anyone who disappeared / made it all about them / was in any way freaky after that got the boot.

Op, most people will be on to her. If she has form for this then they’ll have seen the pattern. If she bitches about you they’ll know it was just your turn.

We can’t stop people bitching about us. Anyone could be bitching about us right now, and there’s nothing we can do about it. So worrying is a waste of energy..

I think most people who don’t give this sort of thing headspace aren’t breezy or unconcerned or full of confidence and robust self-esteem - many of us have had something awful knock us out of our introspective anxiety and bring out a survivor mentality where drama like this suddenly reveals itself as a glaringly obvious waste of our precious time on Earth, and such a pointless distraction from the things that actually matter.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how painful that must have been x

You just have to choose to let these things go.
It was a conscious decision I took to try to care less what people thought about me - particularly because it's often not about what we know they think of us, just our own personal speculation about what they may be thinking based on our interpretation of their behaviour.
So in some ways, it's more about us than them.
I had a similar mum friend situation where I thought we got on really well but then we went on a holiday, came back and it just seemed to be harder to meet up, took a while for me to just give up. You wonder for a while what went wrong but you won't ever know. Even if you asked directly you might not get the truth. So you just have to accept it and not worry.

OH I'm a people pleaser, I don't require much but I love people letting me know I've done the right thing. Been the right person.

For various reasons I read about the Karpman Drama Triangle, where people in dysfunctional relationships are playing the roles of victim, rescuer and persecutor. It was like a lightbulb going on about my relationship with my father. He loves to play the victim to lure others into rescuing him, whereupon he immediately turns into a persecutor. I've fallen for it so many times (he's not a nice man). So I stopped being the rescuer.

The point was that when I stopped, I realised that I was always looking for his approval. I really cared what he thought about me. But he tells me in words that he doesn't think good things about me, so it's doomed. When I sorted it out in my head (not through therapy...this is my own journey here) I could pinpoint other times with people where I was incredibly keen to step in and be the rescuer, but it never gets you anywhere. I realised I was always looking for some sort of approval, not to actually help properly.

I don't know if any of that makes sense, but you asked how to stop caring, and it was through realising that my search for the approval of others was more down to playing this role and perpetuating a family dynamic that was very unhealthy. I just stopped! It's been very liberating. I actually have a long-term friend who has cooled towards me (it's mutual tbh) and previously I would have tried to reel her in with offers of something good (to rescue the situation!), and felt rejected. Now I don't bother and we are cordial and it's...fine.

Sorry if that's muddled. It's kind of sixties psychology and no doubt has been discredited seventeen times over, but it dramatically helped me!

Agree. I was always a people pleaser and desperately wanted to be liked. I think it stems from low self esteem. As I've got older I just don't care. I believe you can't be everyone's cup of tea. If people don't like me or understand me then we're just not meant to be friends. If someone seems to dislike me I don't give it any headspace anymore. Sometimes people just don't gel and that's OK. Focus on people who do like you. Forget about the others.

@Disturbia81 I haven’t ’understood wrong’. It is my opinion which is formed on personal experience when meeting people with a ‘certain attitude’.

When someone tells me they give zero fucks because they’re older it usually means exactly that and it’s reflected in the way they conduct themselves. It might not be the way they intend but sadly that’s the way it comes across.

I guess they give zero fucks whether you think they ‘come across well’, so you're the only one left wasting energy on it. 🤷‍♀️

Yep, getting older is wonderful. I gave my last fuck more than a decade ago. People can take me or leave me, I don't care either way.