My dad rejected me

[Carly944]

Hi my parents divorced when I was 5 . I remember my mum and dad fighting for a while. Then my dad met a new woman. And that was it really. He didn't want to see me again

. He sent me a letter when I was 16 saying that he didn't want to see me again. I was very young and I thought at that time that he couldn't possibly mean what he said. Everyone I knew at that time had some contact with their dad. So I just found the idea of me never seeing my father ever again, unfathomable.

I had this strong desire to see him. He lived in a different country. I got his address from a relative. I went over to see him when I was in my early twenties. I went to his house. He was polite but cold to me on the day. he said to me that he would see me again.

I went back home and he sent me a letter saying that he had changed his mind, that he didn't want to see me ever again.

I had a bit of a breakdown at the time after getting his letter. it affected me very badly. Even now when I talk to a therapist about it. She says to me "going to see your dad and having him reject you is a huge trauma".

It's sad, you know when I was in my early twenties, I should have been enjoying myself and going out partying.

Instead, I was having to deal with my dad. After he sent me the letter, I never tried to see him again. And he is now dead.

How do you get over a father rejecting you. I still feel so deeply wounded by it. I can't seem to accept it. I've gone to therapy so many times over it and it hasn't helped. I'm still always hurt and angry. It just feels like the deepest rejection. Your parents aren't meant to reject you. I know he didn't deserve me and I wasted my time on him. But I just can't see, to accept what happened. I'm always in pain. I wonder how to accept it and try to heal..? Has anyone been through similar.?

That's an interesting thought.

I wish I had a choice in the matter though. But I had no choice.

The world is full of strange unexpected things. We can’t always shape it to our will, make it fair or beautiful. All we can do is survive despite the worst it throws at us.

Those two men were small and inadequate. They were unable to behave appropriately towards you, your mum and brother. They preferred to come up with fantastic excuses that made it seem ok to walk away and ignore your needs. The people around them came up with similar fantasies to allow them to continue to think well of the inadequate men they were related to.

You have made it to adulthood despite them. You have to keep on overcoming that legacy, and with every breath you prove them inadequate liars.

One day, maybe, you can have compassion for their limitations.

But it’s not an obligation. Your only obligation is to make the best you can of the situation you were landed with.

💐

Op.
I think you might need to have some
More therapy or change therapy. I know having your father reject you was deeply traumatic for you but it shouldn't still define you and your life today. Unfortunately many many people are abandoned by their parents. It shouldn't happen and it's deeply traumatic but most people go on an live full lives despite this . You need to find a way to accept this for what it was ( horrible) but park it and concentrate on living your best life. We only get one .

I don’t speak to my dad, did for a while but he hit and abused me so not a nice man at all, so that’s how I cope with being the child of a horrible man, your dad is a horrible person rejecting his own child, how awful in my mind he didn’t deserve my anger etc it was wasted on him because he is not a good person or a person worthy of me or my sister and our families. It is horrible and I’m sorry it’s affected you, it’s definitely worth getting some sort of professional help to support you moving on and coping in the future, don’t let him take anymore away from you.

I don't think that most people do go on and live full lives despite this. It's a very glib statement to say " most people go on and live full lives after their parent abandoning them". How could you possibly know?

Do you not see the other women on this thread alone who have said that have never recovered from their parent abandoning them.

I'm so sorry op. Sending love to you and your brother. You both deserve much better. Your story makes me feel profoundly sad. I hope you can find some healing.

Funding spirituality or anything else, may work for some but it's not for everyone.

I'll always be affected by it and it's a thing if you know what I mean. That said sometimes I feel at peace and other times it's overwhelming.

Like any grief there's no right way or wrong way to deal with it but you do live with it. And it's been 8 years since I last saw them. I do hope they are okay. I sometimes check the death notices at home because I know I won't be told if they die and I would say a prayer for them.

I don't know. I just do my best.

Op

I'm not saying that it doesn't leave a mark, it absolutely does but it doesn't have to define your whole life. It is possible to have a fulfilled life despite him being a deadbeat .

His loss OP. Concentrate on the people that do love you. You can't change anything now he's dead, concentrate on living your best life.

Have you been through this personally?