My dad rejected me

[Carly944]

Hi my parents divorced when I was 5 . I remember my mum and dad fighting for a while. Then my dad met a new woman. And that was it really. He didn't want to see me again

. He sent me a letter when I was 16 saying that he didn't want to see me again. I was very young and I thought at that time that he couldn't possibly mean what he said. Everyone I knew at that time had some contact with their dad. So I just found the idea of me never seeing my father ever again, unfathomable.

I had this strong desire to see him. He lived in a different country. I got his address from a relative. I went over to see him when I was in my early twenties. I went to his house. He was polite but cold to me on the day. he said to me that he would see me again.

I went back home and he sent me a letter saying that he had changed his mind, that he didn't want to see me ever again.

I had a bit of a breakdown at the time after getting his letter. it affected me very badly. Even now when I talk to a therapist about it. She says to me "going to see your dad and having him reject you is a huge trauma".

It's sad, you know when I was in my early twenties, I should have been enjoying myself and going out partying.

Instead, I was having to deal with my dad. After he sent me the letter, I never tried to see him again. And he is now dead.

How do you get over a father rejecting you. I still feel so deeply wounded by it. I can't seem to accept it. I've gone to therapy so many times over it and it hasn't helped. I'm still always hurt and angry. It just feels like the deepest rejection. Your parents aren't meant to reject you. I know he didn't deserve me and I wasted my time on him. But I just can't see, to accept what happened. I'm always in pain. I wonder how to accept it and try to heal..? Has anyone been through similar.?

And believe me, the grief of what happens to my sister cripples me sometimes.

I wouldn’t be taking the time on my Sunday morning to invest in these posts if I didn’t want to see one other person on this planet go through it.

I did promise my daughter we’d go to the shops! I hope it’s sunny where you are OP x

You do sound very defeatist.

PTSD or CPTSD are not life sentences, they just aren't.

I've been in AA for years now, and you should hear some of the f*cked up stories of childhood trauma in there.

People who were so traumatized they brought themselves to the brink of death trying to self destruct through drink, but have turned it around and are examples of people now living spiritually fulfilled lives, inspiring others to do the same.

(I'm not implying you're an alcoholic, before anyone gets the wrong idea- I was, because of the trauma of CSA)

I don't have symptoms of CPTSD anymore, at 40something, despite the fact that what my dad used to do to me is in the most serious category of crime.

You will benefit greatly from some spiritual guidance. Listen more to your inner voice (the one we're all born with who tells us who we are) and hear it calling you that you will be ok, and you deserve a good life, you are capable of happiness.

Ablaze's sister was trapped in letting her trauma define her, and you are trapped there too. You don't need to be.

@Circumferences I don't think I would say to anyone "you do sound very defeatist".

You wrote there " my dad used to do a serious level of crime to me".

What if you wrote ".

my dad used to do a serious level of crime to me".
And I wrote
" you do sound very defeatist"

To you in reply.

It's cold. Why say that to anyone?

That’s beautiful 🥰

I think what I've discovered in life is that everyone had something they are struggling with - whether crap parents, disability or perhaps their childhood was fine but they had a trauma later on.

Some people find a way through, others are broken by it. We are all human.

It's been a real learning experience for me, having my family fall to bits. If you'd told me 30 years ago that I wouldn't be in contact with my family, I'd not have believed you.

My motto now is 'do what you can, with what you have, where you are'

Dear OP, my heart goes out to you. It's heartbreaking that your dad is now gone, and with him, also gone any hope of being accepted by him.

I've tried to think up some advice to offer, but everything I've thought of seems empty. I hope the other responses here give you a way forward.

Sending a big virtual hug (--).

Please get some therapy .Many of us have had shit parents .It does affect you but it doesn't have to control your whole life or choices .I've worked hard to come to terms with things that happened within my family .It has had an impact even on my ability to make friends. But it isn't the be all and end all of my life .
I'm a functioning adult with a good marriage, my son had a great childhood , his description.
I was good at my job which I enjoyed.
So yes I've got some quirks and triggers but I've had so much more good in my life than bad .
I can't change the past or behaviours of my parents but by god I've I worked on my response to them.
I really wish you all the best
There are good suggestions here take this as your opportunity to start healing .

I think 'defeatist' is an unkind way of putting things. 'You do sound very traumatised' would have been better.

This is why I don't go to trauma groups.

People get competitive about trauma. About who went through worse.

If you say you're hurting about one thing, they say

"how can you be upset about your dad abandoning you and you then living in total poverty. I went through worse than that".

Everyone in those groups are cold about other peoples suffering. Its a one up manship of suffering. I went to a trauma recovery group once. And a woman there was crying about being raped as an adult. Anotehr woman glared at her and said "that's nothing get over it. I was raped for six years by my brother".

My post was about my situation.

But you've instantly said in your reply that you'v been through worse than me.
. And you said that people in your groups went through worse than me

Its not a competition of suffering

you also said that I'm being defeatist. Your post upset me

Thank you @BonzoGates

Thank you for that. And I'm proud of you for overcoming what you did. Well done

I see it as his loss not mine.

My siblings and I, including our brother who died as a baby, and his grandchildren were not mentioned at his funeral but all the focus was on his second family. Even his death notices implied he only had 2 daughters.

I do wonder what it’s like to have a loving father and often watch/see/hear things which depict a close relationship which send me down those thoughts. But, ultimately, he was a self centred, weak man who I had/have no respect for. And that’s what stops me from dwelling on it.

He may have fathered me but he was never a father to me. I’m a better parent than he was (but still make mistakes!) and the relationship I have with my children is testament to that.

He was never going to change so I chose to change how I framed my relationship with him. And, as I say, his loss.

Everyone here is sympathetic to the OP, and they are trying to suggest a way forward. The advice may not be what you would give, but it doesn't warrant your unkind response.

It actually makes sense to me for OP to speak to her mum - if it's a viable option - to see if there's some history that would help make sense of the situation. That is not, to say the mother should be blamed for the father's behaviour. It's just about trying to make sense of a sorry situation.

I'm so sorry OP. I had a similar situation. I was rejected by my birth mother and I often lived with my grandparents. When I was around her she was physically and mentally abusive. I've never met my birth father. I tracked him down over a decade ago. We arranged to meet up and then the day before he ghosted me. It hurt me deeply for a time but I've come to realise that he didn't reject me because he didn't know me. He rejected the idea of me. Admittedly, I did get rather angry and sent him an email where I detailed what I thought of him especially as his fiance was a decade younger than me and they'd been together since she was 17 (he was 30 years older.

You are so much more deserving than the awful treatment you've experienced. There are awful people in this world and your father and his brother are included in that. I hope you find peace.

I'd just been thinking about this over the weekend.

My dad stopped speaking/contacting me when i was 15. He'd already moved 8 hours away before that and then found out he'd moved to the other side of the country with my step mum and step sister not long after that. They play happy families these days, he's very involved with her children.

I often sit and wonder what i would do if he passes away, would i show up and what would his family say. They didn't make much effort so i eventually lost contact with all that side of the family. Whenever id see them as a teen they would ask if i had heard from him and then tut and do an eye roll when i said no. At the time it was just awkward for me, could hardly bitch about their brother to them could i. Looking back though i just wonder why the fuck did they not ask him themselves and call him out.

I've had a little contact since with step mum mainly who apologized and wanted to meet up. i thanked her but said it needs to come from him. I need an explanation from him. He still hasnt bothered. Dont think i'll ever know why, at least not til he's gone maybe? It wasn't anything we did OP.

Is there a reason you keep reaching out to the uncle when there was never a relationship there? Talk it out with someone and move on, he made his position clear long ago and you'd be better off leaving them all in the past.

I don't keep reaching out to my uncle.

I had to speak to him after my dad died about legal issues. The solicitors made us be in contact.

After my uncle was nasty and abusive to me at this time, I told him I didn't want to speak to him again. We are not in contact now

And I send you a hug about your dad.

I second others suggestion that you stay in therapy but I also will make two suggestions.

1. look into mindfull self compassion. It is a practice that can enable us to accept and compassionately encompass even deep griefs and injustice like the one you have suffered. If you like to read I highly recommend the work of Tich Nhat Hanh the Buddhist monk. All his books are great and very accessible but I think you eill like his book Reconciliations about grappling eith this kind of pain.

2. actually I will leave it at that!

The problem is that we put our parents on a pedestal, even when they don't deserve it.

Any idiot can have a child, it's not difficult. Insects with about 3 brain cells manage it. It's "insert tab a into slot b", pump a few times and job done. That bits easy. Actually being a parent is far more difficult. Lots of people are capable of it, some are even capable of doing it well.

And some aren't willing to do it at all. And that's absolutely fine, except when they make that decision after already having a kid.

Your father didn't reject you @Carly944 , he rejected being a father, being a parent. It wasn't about you. It wouldn't have mattered if you behaved differently, or were a different child. He was always going to walk away from his child, no matter who the child was. He was rejecting a version of his life, not the person.

I'm so sorry OP, this person wasn't a father, merely a supplier of genetic material.
He is the defective one, not you. You deserved much better.
I wish you every happiness and I hope that you can heal as time goes on.

He's obviously a knob. I have the same and just live my life with those who want to be in it. This is out of your control. I would advise therapy. From the moment he said he didn't want to see me the first time, I wouldn't have looked for him ever again. Life is way too short OP. I wish you a very speedy recovery.

I'm so sorry that you have had so much to cope with. I also have shit parents, who have rejected me over and over again. I have found that the only way to cope (apart from keeping contact down to the bare minimum) is to accept that they simply do not have what I need from them. I have needed very little, but got far less than that!

It is normal and common to feel love and warmth towards your children, but my parents are not like that towards me, although they seem much fonder of my siblings. They don't have whatever it is that would have stopped them from sending me (and only me) to another country when I was 11, and basically leaving me to be raised by school and relatives. They don't have whatever would have made them react to my life-threatening illness with something other than concern for themselves. They don't have whatever would have made my daughter's sudden death more of a priority than being n time for work. It doesn't exist in them, so there is no way for me to have it.

Your father was not a good man. He was a terrible father to you. You deserved better. I hope you find a way to make sure that his rejection is not the deciding factor in how your life pans out, and that you find contentment.

Your uncle is an uncaring, abusive POS and your father was an uncaring, abusive POS. If your father had stayed closer to you eg seen you regularly he would still have been an uncaring, abusive POS, albeit a lot closer...fucking up your mental health in totally different ways. You would not have had the relationship you wanted either because he wasn't the loving, caring person you want. Maybe try and see it as the lesser of two evils. Yes, moving on from the abandonment sucks but potentially having had him in your life day in day out, making you feel lesser than on a daily basis, up close and personal throughout the years would have fucked you up even worse.

I just think there was some reason, some grand universal reason, for the genetics of that woman and that man needing to come together to create that exact child, and that exact child needed to be here, exactly as created.

If the man or the woman move on from interacting with that exact child, it's unfortunate, but in the bigger scheme of things, that exact child needed to be created and it's now on that exact child to fulfill their life's purpose, whatever that may be.

For some parents, that moment of creation of that exact child, may be their only role in that exact child's life.

His rejection has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him.