My dad rejected me

Carly944 · 2024-05-19T07:23:17+00:00

Hi my parents divorced when I was 5 . I remember my mum and dad fighting for a while. Then my dad met a new woman. And that was it really. He didn't want to see me again . He sent me a letter when I was 16 saying that he didn't want to see me again. I was very young and I thought at that time that he couldn't possibly mean what he said. Everyone I knew at that time had some contact with their dad. So I just found the idea of me never seeing my father ever again, unfathomable. I had this strong desire to see him. He lived in a different country. I got his address from a relative. I went over to see him when I was in my early twenties. I went to his house. He was polite but cold to me on the day. he said to me that he would see me again. I went back home and he sent me a letter saying that he had changed his mind, that he didn't want to see me ever again. I had a bit of a breakdown at the time after getting his letter. it affected me very badly. Even now when I talk to a therapist about it. She says to me "going to see your dad and having him reject you is a huge trauma". It's sad, you know when I was in my early twenties, I should have been enjoying myself and going out partying. Instead, I was having to deal with my dad. After he sent me the letter, I never tried to see him again. And he is now dead. How do you get over a father rejecting you. I still feel so deeply wounded by it. I can't seem to accept it. I've gone to therapy so many times over it and it hasn't helped. I'm still always hurt and angry. It just feels like the deepest rejection. Your parents aren't meant to reject you. I know he didn't deserve me and I wasted my time on him. But I just can't see, to accept what happened. I'm always in pain. I wonder how to accept it and try to heal..? Has anyone been through similar.?

Moomum123 · 19/05/2024 08:39

I’m so sorry, that sounds heart breaking. Perhaps consider that he chose not to see you to avoid the guilt and self loathing of a failed marriage and a child he wasn’t going to see every day. Or perhaps he was weak and it was easier to pretend he wasn’t a rubbish father.
Whatever his reasons, he’s gone now and you’ll never have an explanation or a resolution with him. Carry on with therapy - I have found it invaluable for coming to peace over a lack of relationship with my mother. I also concentrate on the positive relationships in my life over the years - my friends, my husband and now my children. You are clearly an individual with a big heart and love to give that you could give him those second chances, channel that hope and positivity into the relationships that matter, those that are with you in the here and now. I wish you peace and happiness.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 19/05/2024 08:40

OP have you posted about this before? If you're the one I'm thinking of you lived in poverty with your mother? If not, search for the threads because there was some excellent advice for a very similar issue.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine the pain you're in. Have you explored different types of therapy? EMDR is good for trauma?

Comingupriver · 19/05/2024 08:42

Op, he didn’t reject you. He rejected responsibility. It was never personal. O think you should try CBT to focus on that. He didn’t know you and never really did, even at 5. He is missing out and his in ability to step up has made him miss out. Not you. Take care

Spirallingdownwards · 19/05/2024 08:43

Do you still have your mother and have you ever talked to her about it and the circumstances of their marriage and your birth? Could it be possible that he felt he had been trapped into marriage by an unplanned pregnancy, which in turn led to a relationship destined to fail? It may be something like this that makes him associate you with that time that he may consider he wasted in a relationship with a person he never really wanted to be with (your mother rather than you - but he links the pair of you)?

ThirdStorm · 19/05/2024 08:48

I focus on what I’ve got. I feel I haven’t missed out on anything. For me it was a long long time ago. I feel pretty detached from it now. I don’t let myself think about why. People can be odd and I can’t pretend to understand what makes somebody cut out a child, they had their reasons. His loss. I hope you can work through this, it is hard. Therapy could be something to try.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 19/05/2024 08:48

Kind of, but I think it was easier for me because he was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive, so I didn’t want to see him either.

I think that the only way to get through it is to keep telling yourself that his decision is nothing to do with you. He didn’t reject you personally; he rejected everything that didn’t slot neatly into his new life. And that makes him a bit of a shitty person. And he remained a shitty person for the rest of his life. You aren’t responsible for that. I do remember being a child and wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him to want to be my dad, but age has taught me that it was completely unrelated to me. It was him, and his shortcomings. His failures as a person. I wasn’t responsible for that and you aren’t responsible for his actions. There was nothing you did to cause this. Some people are just shit and shouldn’t have been allowed to have children 💐

DogDream · 19/05/2024 08:49

Comingupriver · 19/05/2024 08:42

Op, he didn’t reject you. He rejected responsibility. It was never personal. O think you should try CBT to focus on that. He didn’t know you and never really did, even at 5. He is missing out and his in ability to step up has made him miss out. Not you. Take care

This. It’s heartbreaking nonetheless OP. What an awful horrid man. You deserve better.

Cinai · 19/05/2024 08:53

I’m so sorry. Maybe it helps if you explore in therapy that it had nothing to do with you - he doesn’t know you, which means that it has absolutely nothing to do with the person you are. Therefore he didn’t reject you, he rejected his life as a dad.

PineappleTime · 19/05/2024 08:55

Some people are unable to form proper relationships, including with children. They just aren't made for it. It's not the fault of the child, it's the issue the adult has in how they are made.

Original poster

Carly944 · 19/05/2024 08:56

Spirallingdownwards · 19/05/2024 08:43

Do you still have your mother and have you ever talked to her about it and the circumstances of their marriage and your birth? Could it be possible that he felt he had been trapped into marriage by an unplanned pregnancy, which in turn led to a relationship destined to fail? It may be something like this that makes him associate you with that time that he may consider he wasted in a relationship with a person he never really wanted to be with (your mother rather than you - but he links the pair of you)?

Edited

No he wasn't trapped into marriage by an unplanned pregnancy.

He was married to my mum for six years before she gave birth to me.

It seems to me he was simply selfish. That when he met a new woman, it was easier for him to walk away from his responsibilities. It's so easy for men like that to just walk away from everything if he wants.

He doesn't even think about what the child left behind goes through.

He didnt think at all about all the pain and suffering I went through. Hhdaad a new easier life.

He made life easier for him, and he made life ten times worse for me.

OP posts:

Offcom · 19/05/2024 09:06

I’m dealing with something somewhat similar. I traced my birth mother and she wrote me one email and then never replied - it’s the most painful rejection plus I feel so stupid, like I didn’t get the message when she never tried to find me that she’s not interested. That was seven years ago and I don’t seem to be able to move on.

I sometimes look at her and her kept daughter’s Instagrams and long story short I ended up watching my mother giving a eulogy at a live-streamed funeral where she made a point of saying how we should remember mothers who’d given up babies for adoption (the funeral was for an adoptee). She seemed so kind and thoughtful, I don’t get it at all…

BonzoGates · 19/05/2024 09:09

I'm so sorry OP. This is no reflection on you.

Those of us who have crap parents are left to make sense of the chaos they leave us.

I found it helpful to listen to Mel Robbins interview Dr Ramani on narcissistic relationships (and crap parents in general) this morning.

She talks about radical acceptance and the fact that difficult parents won't change and that you can move forward by changing your perception of the relationship and by not trying to fix it. She talks about grieving for people who are still alive.

open.spotify.com/episode/63enBXpclpYQwkHC5VCJXY?si=U0ocMtXOReu0HDgRFErKsQ

In terms of radical acceptance you must understand that:

⭐The situation won't change - they won't change
⭐It's not your fault - no reflection on you
⭐There will be no closure or apology

But she also said that people who experience such treatment can work through this and it strengthens them - 'tougher than hell' is how she describes them.

💐Don't be disheartened love. Keep working on your therapy.

Original poster

Carly944 · 19/05/2024 09:09

Offcom · 19/05/2024 09:06

I’m dealing with something somewhat similar. I traced my birth mother and she wrote me one email and then never replied - it’s the most painful rejection plus I feel so stupid, like I didn’t get the message when she never tried to find me that she’s not interested. That was seven years ago and I don’t seem to be able to move on.

I sometimes look at her and her kept daughter’s Instagrams and long story short I ended up watching my mother giving a eulogy at a live-streamed funeral where she made a point of saying how we should remember mothers who’d given up babies for adoption (the funeral was for an adoptee). She seemed so kind and thoughtful, I don’t get it at all…

Aw I send you a hug,,

it truly is the deepest rejection I feel as a human that we can go through.

Well done. Look at us we are still here. And still going, despite it all.

OP posts:

Circumferences · 19/05/2024 09:11

This is heartbreaking, and your therapist was right that you experienced a trauma in his rejection.
Your dad however is someone who lacks empathy entirely. So you're simply collateral damage in his lifetime of treating people appallingly, it's not personal.

I can't say I've experienced the rejection of a parent sorry, but I was raped by my dad rather than "rejected" exactly. It's similar in the sense that my feelings and my perspective were simply never considered in the slightest by my own father, and it's tough, really tough to realize that some parents are just like that.

BMW6 · 19/05/2024 09:18

Some people - women as well as men - just don't have an emotional attachment to their children any more than to a piece of furniture. It's just the way they are, nothing anyone can do about it.

Of course it's devastating for the child unless you can accept that there's nothing wrong with YOU - it's that parent who is made differently.

Original poster

Carly944 · 19/05/2024 09:19

Offcom · 19/05/2024 09:06

I’m dealing with something somewhat similar. I traced my birth mother and she wrote me one email and then never replied - it’s the most painful rejection plus I feel so stupid, like I didn’t get the message when she never tried to find me that she’s not interested. That was seven years ago and I don’t seem to be able to move on.

I sometimes look at her and her kept daughter’s Instagrams and long story short I ended up watching my mother giving a eulogy at a live-streamed funeral where she made a point of saying how we should remember mothers who’d given up babies for adoption (the funeral was for an adoptee). She seemed so kind and thoughtful, I don’t get it at all…

I've definitely also been shocked at human beings ability to 'compartmentalise'

How they can be so loving so some people, and then so awful to others.

So my father cut me off.
My father had a brother. My uncle James.

James is a really lovely father to his three children. He is really great and kind to them. He is a really great dad. He now is a grandfather. He is a really good loving grandfather to his grandkids. He is great to them

He has been heartless and cold and cruel to me.

During my whole life James barely spoke to me.

When my dad cut me off, James also cut me off. I had to speak to James a couple of times much later in life About sometimg.

He told me that he didn't speak to me earlier, because he didnt want to upset his own relationship with my dad. I pointed out to him that I'd had a terrible life, but he didn't care. He didn't care in the slightest about my feelings.

There were people that were seen to be in the family. And despite me being his niece, I was seen as not being part of the family.

And therefore what I went through in life didn't matter

OP posts:

anothernamitynamenamechange · 19/05/2024 09:19

Spirallingdownwards · 19/05/2024 08:43

Do you still have your mother and have you ever talked to her about it and the circumstances of their marriage and your birth? Could it be possible that he felt he had been trapped into marriage by an unplanned pregnancy, which in turn led to a relationship destined to fail? It may be something like this that makes him associate you with that time that he may consider he wasted in a relationship with a person he never really wanted to be with (your mother rather than you - but he links the pair of you)?

Edited

Yes. Have you considered that this circumstance was in fact a woman's fault. Is there any way, any way at all that this clearly dreadful behaviour was in fact due to a woman? Really, there must be some way, if we only think hard enough....

For fucks sake. If you search this board you can find many cases where a woman is at fault/being criticises Spiralling. But that isn't enough is it.

BonzoGates · 19/05/2024 09:20

Circumferences · 19/05/2024 09:11

This is heartbreaking, and your therapist was right that you experienced a trauma in his rejection.
Your dad however is someone who lacks empathy entirely. So you're simply collateral damage in his lifetime of treating people appallingly, it's not personal.

I can't say I've experienced the rejection of a parent sorry, but I was raped by my dad rather than "rejected" exactly. It's similar in the sense that my feelings and my perspective were simply never considered in the slightest by my own father, and it's tough, really tough to realize that some parents are just like that.

That's just so appallingly awful Circumferences I'm very sorry

Beezknees · 19/05/2024 09:21

I've not seen my dad since I was 12 years old.

In all honesty I don't want to. Only a terrible person could leave their child, I don't want contact with a parent who isn't interested in being one.

Beezknees · 19/05/2024 09:22

Spirallingdownwards · 19/05/2024 08:43

Do you still have your mother and have you ever talked to her about it and the circumstances of their marriage and your birth? Could it be possible that he felt he had been trapped into marriage by an unplanned pregnancy, which in turn led to a relationship destined to fail? It may be something like this that makes him associate you with that time that he may consider he wasted in a relationship with a person he never really wanted to be with (your mother rather than you - but he links the pair of you)?

Edited

Oh for god's sake. None of this is any excuse for his behaviour. So unhelpful.

Woahtherehoney · 19/05/2024 09:23

my Dad walked out on my mum when she was pregnant with me. I had a relationship with him until I was 11 when he became angry that I wanted to see him less and stay with my mum more - we’d never been close and it was always very obvious he preferred my brother to me.

He walked out of my life that day and told me he never wanted to see me again - it’s a very heartless thing to say to an 11 year old girl.

I’ve seen him a couple of times since at funerals - at the last one he walked straight past me and wouldn’t even look at me.

It has been hard - I see people who have wonderful and positive experiences with their dads and I’ve never had that. I’ve come to accept it isn’t because of me - the fact he left my mum before I was born shows it’s not me that’s the issue - it’s him. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that but I focus on my other relationships - I’m very close to my mum And was to my nan before she died.

Therapy will help OP but it will take time. Just give yourself time to come to terms with it all and know it wasn’t you that was at fault.

Original poster

Carly944 · 19/05/2024 09:24

Woahtherehoney · 19/05/2024 09:23

my Dad walked out on my mum when she was pregnant with me. I had a relationship with him until I was 11 when he became angry that I wanted to see him less and stay with my mum more - we’d never been close and it was always very obvious he preferred my brother to me.

He walked out of my life that day and told me he never wanted to see me again - it’s a very heartless thing to say to an 11 year old girl.

I’ve seen him a couple of times since at funerals - at the last one he walked straight past me and wouldn’t even look at me.

It has been hard - I see people who have wonderful and positive experiences with their dads and I’ve never had that. I’ve come to accept it isn’t because of me - the fact he left my mum before I was born shows it’s not me that’s the issue - it’s him. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that but I focus on my other relationships - I’m very close to my mum And was to my nan before she died.

Therapy will help OP but it will take time. Just give yourself time to come to terms with it all and know it wasn’t you that was at fault.

Edited

I send you a hug. Yes some of us just had shit parents. I hope you see your worth too

OP posts:

Happyinarcon · 19/05/2024 09:26

Try alternative therapies like emdr or somatic therapy. Everyone thinks we have to unravel the trauma and make peace with it intellectually when sometimes we just have to help our bodies release the emotions.

Isittimeformynapyet · 19/05/2024 09:28

Carly944 · 19/05/2024 09:09

Aw I send you a hug,,

it truly is the deepest rejection I feel as a human that we can go through.

Well done. Look at us we are still here. And still going, despite it all.

Edited

Show quote history

This is lovely - when you hear someone else's story that resonates with your own you empathise completely. This is where you can gain strength.

I understand that for some of us the thought of joining groups of fellow trauma sufferers is anathema, but it really works as a support to know that you are not alone and there are others who can truly understand how you feel.

Supporting others - which clearly comes naturally to you - is also very healing.

I second the recommendation of EMDR therapy. It totally helped me in my 40s with the trauma from my mum's mental health episodes that began when I was 8.

I wish you happiness OP. Good luck x

randomas · 19/05/2024 09:29

HE DID NOT REJECT YOU. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Remember this.

He wasn't rejecting you he was rejecting himself! he clearly couldn't handle being responsible for a child as precious as you.

He's was a fool and a coward but this has no reflection on you. He would have done the same with any child not just you.

Some "men" never learn how to be a man and l just live their lives for themselves. He is one of them.

You need to find a way to let this go! He was the one who should have been carrying around the guilt and the shame and I hope if he!

And you know what you can hold your head up high you gave him another chance when you were in your early 20s you should be proud of yourself your a better woman than me and most!

You didn't need him clearly! But it's time time to stop letting him waste your time and energy. Your strong you have proved that continue to be strong and move on. You can do it