To be so fed up with being made to feel shite by my family?

[ScentlessAprentice]

Okay, I know nobody can make us feel anything, I have to own my feelings. But God, my family are great at making me feel small and useless.

They criticise me constantly. My appearance, my conversation, my posture, my hair, my weight, my medical problems.

I do have a couple of pretty serious health conditions. I'm very aware of not mentioning them often as it really pisses my parents off. They do impact on my life though, in a pretty major way. I try really hard to be bright and breezy, even when I'm in agony and just want to lie down.

I have gained weight due to the medication I'm on, and have been unable to exercise due to a serious back injury. That is healing, so at my Mother's questioning, I explained what I plan to do - physio, pilates, frequent short walks. She then started lecturing me about how I need to do something about it. I had to point that I am doing something about it, that was literally what I'd just described to her. That wasn't good enough.

They ignore me all the time. Like will cut me off mid sentence to start talking about something completely different.

Tonight, we brought my parents out for a lovely dinner as an anniversary celebration for them, belated yes, as they were away for their actual anniversary. I tried so hard to keep the conversation going. My Dad sat in silence, my Mum sighed constantly, and the minute dinner was over they stood up to leave. We're staying in their house, as soon as we got back they both went to bed, husband went soon after (yes, I'm annoyed with him too), and I'm left up feeling really sad on my own.

Quite the contrast to when my sister and her husband brought them out a few weeks ago, when they said they had dinner, lots of cocktails, sat up until 3am drinking and chatting and laughing.

I am not the daughter they wanted, I know they see me as deficient due to my health problems. But I try so hard. I listen to their worries, I'm always supportive, I go with them to visit elderly relatives. I'm just never good enough.

That was long, and I don't even know what my question is. I guess, what will it take for me to ever be good enough for them?

Oh I am definitely the scapegoat. I'm reflecting on a lot now. Tempted to start talking about my wedding day but I'll probably blather a lot of emotions all over the place

Thank you so much. That has actually helped me a lot. I really am quite lovely I think. I do a lot for people, I'm kind and compassionate. I visit my great Aunt for hours every week, manage her medical appointments, accompany her to Drs appointments when she wants me to.

Look up the "But we took you to stately homes " threads, I think you will find them helpful.

Are you staying with them full time, or just on the night of the meal?
If it's the former can you move out?

Please don’t.

Step back now, concentrate on your own health. You will get better.

You can tell them it’s too hard to pretend to be healthy around them.

In future, if they have more significant needs, do little bits if you want to. Whatever it takes to satisfy your conscience- you don’t owe them anything, but can choose to be generous.

Always remember though that it’s your choice and it’s never going to buy their affection.

sounds like you are the whipping boy - as described by someone else.
be unavailable
the more you do for them the less they respect you by the sounds of it.

Stop trying. Treat them with the disdain they deserve. Make them work at the relationship if they want to maintain it.

And if they don't, well, you've lost nothing. Focus on other family members or friends. Your confidence and enjoyment of life will be much better for it.

Really take a break from them. And take time to heal.
They are responsible for your bad mental health and the only thing you are responsible for is choosing to put space between you.

And why should you be the one looking after them in old age? Let your beloved sisters do it- however uncaring they may be. When did your parents care for you?

Try therapy or reading books such as "Toxic Families", and separate from them.

I think you need to step back from them now, let your sisters deal with them. I know this will be hard, but you shouldn’t be so available to them.

I know you live them but please, for your mental health, take a huge step back. Yes, they'll be horrible to you but they are anyway so what's the odds?

I took a huge step back from my mum when i realised my baby dd would be included in being hurt by her but I should have done it years ago. She has no idea why I've become so distant, and if I did apologise it would be because she's sorry there's a consequence to her of her behaviour, rather than being sorry she has hurt me. So I don't bother. But I feel much happier since I’ve cut ties.

"I know you're right. My Aunt, when I was really ill, sent me flowers with really beautiful letters attached several times. My Mum each time snorted in derision and said 'what is she going on about, you don't need to be pandered to'. It wasn't pandering, it was just genuine care"

Both my friend and I had similar relationships with our parents op.

I used to shy away from the whole family. When my grandmother became terminally ill I visited home a lot more to be with her. My mum didn't speak to her either. I found out that most of my family saw her behaviour and didn't like it.

I've now developed strong connections to my aunties, uncles and cousins. They see me for who I am, and I visit home a lot more to see them and have a great time with them. I'd advise you to do the same, focus on the ones that do care, and that see you for the nice person you are. Use your energy in that direction.

I mentioned a friend because she's done the same. She has four cousins flying in today and I'm joining them for some nice activities. I can't wait to meet them and I'll be making sure to tell them what a wonderful person my friend is.

Focus on people who make you feel good about yourself. ❤️

My family has form for this too. I hope you're okay.

@Sonolanona you've taken an incredibly strong step, it will maybe get harder before it gets easier but you've chosen freedom, and chosen yourself. Both of which are the right choice. Keep making that choice, regardless of what they throw at you now.
Massive well done to you, I wish you every success in building your shiny new amazing boundaries 💕

@Sonolanona my goodness what an incredibly brave thing to do but now you've crossed the line, there's no going back. Strengthen your boundaries and block the pair of them, there's no need to hear the verbal diarrhoea anymore.

https://lundybancroft.com/same-family-different-childhood/

Well done @Sonolanona ! Only thing that works - a firm no.

DH's family are like this - the ONLY thing that has worked is dropping the rope, and dropping the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). It took far too long to get to this point. What forced the issue was when it started to affect our children. One step at a time, you don't need to do it all at once. I would stop staying over in their house or taking them out for a meal, as a direct consequence of last night.

There is a pattern going back at least one more generation - MIL was definitely the golden child, her brother was treated with contempt (and DH told repeatedly he was 'just like him'). FIL has never painted a good picture of his parents and still has a lots of nasty sibling rivalry with his brother - they shoot you down if you dare say a good word about him or his wife.

Some people just have to have someone that they pick on/treat with contempt. Plays out in friendship groups, families, colleagues. Really sucks when they are your parents though, especially when all most other people see it their 'lovely' mask 💐

These people will never change. Your best bet is to steer clear of them, keep it civil but expect NOTHING. And when they do something shitty or make you feel bad, do something extra nice for yourself that you'll enjoy and that makes you feel good - extra nice food, movie in bed, walk or swim, whatever you enjoy. Kind of like parenting yourself. that works for me.

Stop helping them.

They can get shopping delivered.

You need to be careful you don’t become a martyr here.

Their behaviour is their choice and inexcusable.
But in terms of your choices and how you conduct yourself, it is really hard to respect someone who lets you walk all over them.

By continuing to extend them 'good relationship privileges' i.e thoughtfulness, caring, interest, helpful support etc you are basically writing them a blank cheque to treat you in ANY way without having to face any consequences for their own crappy outlook on people like you generally and you specifically.

When they treat you like shit, because your illness/health problems are proof of your flawed self, and you accept that without push back... you are endorsing and condoning their view.
This validates them and they feel noble for tolerating you as far as they do, because you, their imperfect offspring are their cross to bear (in their head).

You need to claim the respect you deserve, not by treating them like shit, because that's not who you are, and your values are much more wholesome than that... But by drawing a hard line in that they don't get to bask in the warmth of your love while simultaneously leaving you in Siberia. They will never give you respect of through any sudden self inspired revelation.

So, you do civil but you don't do supportive. You do polite but you don't do voluntary acts of kindness.

If they say anything derogatory you say, 'how interesting that you feel it's ok to say that, what a shame, oh well if that's your view I'll take my leave at this point' (hang up phone or leave).

All calm, no drama. Just zero acceptance of the narrative that the milk of your kindness will continue to flow while you remain person non grata and worthless to them.

When your energies are free and you are floating high, untethered by this endless dance, you will be able to invest your considerable energies for kindness and love elsewhere.

You mentioned Stockholm syndrome, there probably is some of that going on, and as deep as your care is I imagine you have a similar strength of desire to feel that from them, which is hard to let go, the power of love is strong in you.... But people escape cults, it can be done.

The psychology is complex, you may need help... But don't waste your life on more of the same, when you are older you will regret that.

This is not normal and it is not okay, and you are allowed to walk away. I think you could really benefit from some counselling to really explore how their behaviour is affecting you. Reading your posts I know I would be sticking up for myself, and I know that I would be able to do that because I have been raised by loving supportive parents who have enabled me to have the confidence to stick up for myself. You have had no such support, so it's understandable you don't know how to stick up for yourself.

Please stop doing things for them. And for goodness sake do not become their carer. You only have one life, don't waste it on people who don't value you other than as someone to run around after them. You can't make them love you, you can't make them like you, you can make yourself stop chasing them. It's an awful thing to have to accept, but ultimately you are never going to have the relationship you want with your parents, and you will end up wasting your life chasing something they will not give you.

You are worthy of love and respect. Give your time and energy to people who recognise this. Could you move nearer the aunt you mentioned and develop a closer relationship with her instead?

Yes, OP, you’re people -pleasing in that you’re offering services in the hope of persuading them to behave better towards you. ‘Look I dance attention on you, I help out, I do your shopping, I take you out for meals — why don’t you love me?’ All that tells your parents is that their coldness and criticism of you have no consequences. They can behave as badly as they like and you’ll still come back for more. Which means they don’t need to even pretend to respect or consider you. You need to reorient your priorities, and concentrate far more on yourself, and doing whatever you can, putting in place any supports etc, that will help your health, mental and physical. Put yourself front and centre.

Oh OP - it’s not you that is “deficient” it’s them - they are being horrible to you and you do NOT need to just put up with it.

Read Toxic Parents by Philippa Forward, it’s brilliant.

I think you should start limiting your contact with them and reducing what you do for them. I know that’s easier said than done but perhaps you should explore therapy to assist you in overcoming the emotional abuse and finding a way to put boundaries in.

Just popping back to the thread here... firstly to apologise to the OP, as I meant to add understanding, not hijack the thread.
Also because I have had a night (of very little sleep!) to reflect on how I acted yesterday...

I feel freed by it.

I've finally drawn a line OP and you should too. I'm 56 years old for heaven's sake and yet every time I see my family ..which essentially is my sibling and Mum now, I feel tense beforehand , and in their company I become someone I don't like, because I'm on the defensive from the get go.

My sibling is considerably younger than me, earns a lot of money, has always been goady and superior and the golden child. But does care about me and I know that, so while they stress me out I don't hold it against them.
But my Mum... has become someone I don't recognise. I was used as a pawn in their divorce (I was a teen) and she has never ever let it go... 40 years of bitterness and resentment against a man she said she knew she shouldn't have married and it has ruined her life.
She can't say anything nice.. she criticises me, my dh, ( who is lovely) my kids, other than her favourite one, She's downright rude about my youngest adult son who has special needs. And I've TAKEN it for years because she's my Mum.

I actually posted here while back asking for advice because I wondered if she was starting dementia because she was so unkind about my son, when we met for a meal (to the point my DD2 who was with us , was shocked) but I realised it's not that, she's simply become a not nice, not kind human.

I'm not going to cut contact, as that would hurt my sibling, and I genuinely think they will behave better in future, but Mum... won't change and is no doubt stewing over how no one understands how MEAN life is to her. But I'm going to lie low, not engage and not take it any longer.

Stick to the people who love you OP.. you are good enough for them. I am good enough for mine. People who make you feel less because you have an illness and gained weight.. that's not love, that's not family..that's a toxic family.

We can DO this. We CAN withdraw and say enough is enough.

You're still stuck in small child mode, desperate to win their approval and the hardest thing to accept is that it's just never going to happen. Not because you're deficient in any way, but because they are.

I've recently had schema therapy, and it's been eye opening. It's helped to change my reactions from small child response to healthy adult. I have better boundaries. I'm better at reflecting on a situation and will now distance myself from others who aren't good for me, because I can and don't need permission to do so.

Just because they're your parents, it doesn't mean that you have to go along with what they see as your obligations. That's their expectations, not yours. Your obligation is to take care of you first and foremost, then the people you have loving relationships with.

Do not provide care for them as and when they need it. They will continue to treat you like shit regardless, - as you know - and you will suffer. You have no obligation just because they're your parents.