To be so fed up with being made to feel shite by my family?

[ScentlessAprentice]

Okay, I know nobody can make us feel anything, I have to own my feelings. But God, my family are great at making me feel small and useless.

They criticise me constantly. My appearance, my conversation, my posture, my hair, my weight, my medical problems.

I do have a couple of pretty serious health conditions. I'm very aware of not mentioning them often as it really pisses my parents off. They do impact on my life though, in a pretty major way. I try really hard to be bright and breezy, even when I'm in agony and just want to lie down.

I have gained weight due to the medication I'm on, and have been unable to exercise due to a serious back injury. That is healing, so at my Mother's questioning, I explained what I plan to do - physio, pilates, frequent short walks. She then started lecturing me about how I need to do something about it. I had to point that I am doing something about it, that was literally what I'd just described to her. That wasn't good enough.

They ignore me all the time. Like will cut me off mid sentence to start talking about something completely different.

Tonight, we brought my parents out for a lovely dinner as an anniversary celebration for them, belated yes, as they were away for their actual anniversary. I tried so hard to keep the conversation going. My Dad sat in silence, my Mum sighed constantly, and the minute dinner was over they stood up to leave. We're staying in their house, as soon as we got back they both went to bed, husband went soon after (yes, I'm annoyed with him too), and I'm left up feeling really sad on my own.

Quite the contrast to when my sister and her husband brought them out a few weeks ago, when they said they had dinner, lots of cocktails, sat up until 3am drinking and chatting and laughing.

I am not the daughter they wanted, I know they see me as deficient due to my health problems. But I try so hard. I listen to their worries, I'm always supportive, I go with them to visit elderly relatives. I'm just never good enough.

That was long, and I don't even know what my question is. I guess, what will it take for me to ever be good enough for them?

Drop the rope, seriously.

You’ve tried, they refuse to meet you half way.

So no more meals out, weekend visits or gifts etc.

Just do the bare minimum (e.g. Christmas) and try not to think about them tye rest of the time.

I think the question is, how long are you going to put up with their abusive treatment of you?

As @drusth said, do the bare minimum. Don't make a drama of it by doing no contact. Just the barest minimum. No pretend happy occasions. I wouldn't bother with Christmas either, as that's the mother of all pretend happy occasions. Cut them out of your life as much as possible.

Just. Stop.Trying.

You have to. You will never be enough for her as she is not normal.

It's the dad as well.

They sound dreadful. Same applies to him.

Unfortunately, life is not the chocolate box pictures. Families are not in any way perfect. Really ask yourself - what do these interactions bring to your life? Any happiness? Maybe it’s time for you to work out what you want to be happy. Honestly, I’d stop chasing them. Let it go. You’ve tried. It hasn’t worked.

I know you are all right, I'm tying myself in knots trying to keep everyone happy and it's wrecking me. I just wish they loved, or even liked me as much as my sisters, who they adore. I'm the imperfect embarrassment. I try so hard, I think my Dad resents me and my Mum thinks I should be able to just will myself out of having epilepsy. My extended family are so caring and loving, but my parents shut them down and tell them not to ask how I am as it's just encouraging me

Oh it's definitely the Dad also. Mum will look me up and down and criticise everything, Dad will either ignore me (like earlier when I tried to start a conversation and his replies were yeah, hmm, okay) or tell me I should do my hair and make-up because I look so much better with make-up on.

I have a very similar dynamic in my family too with almost identical issues to yourself. Over the years I've come to accept that they won't change and have created more distance between us so I can focus on my own life and family. This helps but it is still very hard. I have children that they have barely bothered to get to know but can't get enough of my sister's dog!!! 😂

Some of my health conditions I think may well have been connected to this lack of love if I'm honest. I find it helps to try to focus on all the positive strengths and sensitivity that I have developed despite their treatment eg I'm very independent, have been successful in other parts of my life, have a completely different relationship with my kids etc..

I'm not sure if you have looked into narcissistic parents-in my case my mother fits the mould perfectly. There is no real solution that isn't painful but definitely having some space seems to give me the best balance I find. They still trigger and hurt me from time to time but I can let go of it a bit quicker now.

I feel for you but you are certainly not alone with difficult parents despite how it appears sometimes x

Totally agree with this person. You can so easily be made the brunt of other people’s problems. Once you step back - out even- you realise that it’s still going on anyway. Nothing to do with you. They are just looking for a crutch-stick to vent at. It’s very painful to step back in the beginning. But it does feel slowly calm and in time the drama just lessens. It feels like ‘cancel culture’. But it really does work.

Totally identify.

Step back. And breathe. X

My extended family are so caring and loving, but my parents shut them down and tell them not to ask how I am as it's just encouraging me

That’s chilling, and sad to read. Your parents should be your biggest protectors and defenders.

Me and my mum argue and get testy with each other but she has always stood up for me.

These people aren’t just not positively contributing to your life, they’re actively trying to negatively affect it and also to turn you into the black sheep of the family.

Please find the strength to take a massive step. You never know, they may need that distance to realise what they’ve been doing to you.

You have a very positive outlook, I really admire you for that.

I don't know, I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. I know they both had difficult childhoods, so I always keep that in mind. They are both very stubborn people who see health problems as a personal weakness or failure.

I'm sorry you have a similar family dynamic, it's tough, isn't it? I go out of my way over and over to help them out and do stuff for them. My sister wouldn't do anything to help them, but she's the special one who needs to be tended to (as far as they're concerned). Whilst we help with the day to day everything and just get brushed off. My Mum has said some extremely hurtful things to me recently, but we'll still help them, neither can drive, we bring them shopping, visiting etc. I just wish it'd make them like me. Pathetic, I know.

I'm so sorry to hear your story OP, but as you can see, you're not the only one to experience parents like this. There is a saying 'you can choose your friends, but not your family'. So my advice would be, fill your life with people who like you for who you are, and to hell with anyone else, life is too short, and they don't deserve you!!

Here's to a happier future!

Adopt your sister’s stance. Shock them and emotionally detach. Stop being so kind and caring to them.

"My extended family are so caring and loving, but my parents shut them down and tell them not to ask how I am as it's just encouraging me"

This is sad to read, I bet your extended family are fully aware of how you're treated and they do their best to surround you with love for this reason ( as well as the fact they love you, obviously!)

I only found out, at the age of 50, that my aunts on my mother's side had many words with her about how she treated me when I was little. (Similar situation to you).

As others have said, stop trying. Slow fade to occasional visits, leave as soon as the criticism or the sighing starts.

I suspect that when your parents get older, you'll be the one who's expected to do the most for them. And they still won't appreciate you. So nip that in the bud now, don't keep letting them disrespect you.

Good luck OP.

I know you're right. My Aunt, when I was really ill, sent me flowers with really beautiful letters attached several times. My Mum each time snorted in derision and said 'what is she going on about, you don't need to be pandered to'. It wasn't pandering, it was just genuine care

I go out of my way over and over to help them out and do stuff for them. My sister wouldn't do anything to help them, but she's the special one (...) we help with the day to day everything and just get brushed off. My Mum has said some extremely hurtful things to me recently, but we'll still help them, neither can drive, we bring them shopping, visiting etc. I just wish it'd make them like me.

If helping them and being thoughtful hasn't so far succeeded in making them treat you more nicely, it never will. I mean this with kindness - the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. They consistently belittle you while fussing over your sister, so for the love of all that's holy, pull back and let the Golden Child sort their shopping for a change. If nothing else that might jolt them into appreciating how much you do for them...

I have total empathy Op.
Today, for the first time ever, I walked out of a family gathering ( niece's birthday)
because I simply couldn't take it any more... the constant criticism from my Mum and the goading from my golden child sibling.
The were both shocked when I left.
I'm in my 50s, and have sucked up being the not golden child for many years and today my Mum dished out one too many insults... and I left.

The fallout is going to be awful, and my Mum will see herself as he victim, but I'm DONE with being the whipping boy. Despite, being happily married for many years, raising my children (with no support from her ever), caring for my Grandchild because I love them, having a gentle, happy hobby...anything I say or do is 'just like my father'..a man she has huge resentment for because they divorced over 40 years ago.

She said it once too often today and it flipped a switch. I said 'I can't do this anymore' and walked away. I have NEVER done that before.

They had to get a taxi back to the railway as neither have a car and I was expected to be the transport...

My sibling followed me to the car and apologised...and it was genuine. My Mum came over and tried to justify herself. I left.
No idea where we will go from there, but I'm in y 50s and DONE with it.

I think it's ok to step back and go 'this is not OK, I'm withdrawing'
I am the least confrontational person you could ever meet... but toiday I said 'no more'.

I'm sorry you had a similar family situation, its shite, isn't it?

Oh I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I'll be the one caring for them if and when they need it. Not a chance my sisters will do it, and as much as I hate them, I really love them, and will care for them to the very end. I think it's a bit like Stockholm Syndrome

They sound awful. Their behaviour is incomprehensible. You sound lovely, and they should count themselves lucky to have you.

It’s not you, it’s them.

You had a difficult childhood too! Why do they get away with scapegoating you because of it? They have had plenty of time to learn to do better. Look up the phrase “identified patient “ and see if it rings the bell/-as well as stuff on toxic familles and scapegoat/golden child. Once you understand that they treat you badly because if who THEY are you will be freed to go very low contact.

How RUDE. OP I feel so angry on your behalf.

That was an amazing step, you should be seriously proud. I don't even know you and I feel quite proud of you