Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

@BreatheAndFocus I think the fact that she seems to lie about her spending to the family whose home she lives in is also a red flag.

You need to "break up" seriously OP I've done it and with a much older friend. She was a user, a drama queen, sometimes she absolutley terrified me with her mood swings (I'd have to walk on egg shells) and even used me as cover for cheating on her husband. Like you every text or phonecall would nearly cause a panic attack.

In the end I thought Jesus Christ I'm in my 30s what the hell am I doing panicking about a friendship like I'm a teenager. I don't need to be this person's friend, at first I sent her a message saying crossroads in life etc I think the friendship has come to an end and blamed my mental health. Gentley gentley. However she started contacting me again begging she needed me in her life and I basically hit the nuclear option, told her the truth of how I really felt, some of the awful things she'd done to me and then blocked.

And that was it, never heard from her again and she was out of my life. Treat her like an emotionally abusive partner and end the relationship, she can't force you to be friends. Get her out of your life by any means possible and I assure you it will be like a weight has been taken off your chest. Take care OP. Xx

I'm just having a scroll through all of the comments. Thank you all for your advice.

I will just add, the parcels are not signed for by me or DH, we aren't ever here. They are left in our 'safe space' in the front porch, so nobody has to sign for them. I just come home and there they are

To answer the other questions about why I feel this way, I think this best explains it.,

She came into my life at a time when i was going through a really horrible friendship breakdown, with my old friends. Looking back I guess she came in and isolated me to the point where I only had her and vice versa. I do have other more normal friendships too, with people I've known much longer which she doesn't approve of.

I've suggested this before but read the book "not nice" by Dr Aziz Gazipura- its about people pleasing and how damaging it is and how to stop it.

Take this as a warning sign that this behaviour (I mean yours, not hers) will damage you if you dont address it now. This is an ideal opportunity to start changing your behaviour/thoughts.

This whole situation is giving me Single White Female vibes.

OP you sound like a genuinely lovely person. Visualise every person you meet wearing a yoke carrying two buckets of s**t. Some of these people are desperately trying to put these buckets down at your feet, for you to pickup. Up until now you have picked up her buckets and have tried to run with them. It's time to hand them back and move on with your lovely life. You are doing nothing wrong by doing this. Believe me she will simply pick them up and find another person to carry them forward xx

If the holiday is still a way away, cancel it, and try and get a refund for as much as possible. Even if you lose it all, your peace of mind and time spent with your husband is worth it. Then tell her what you've done and block her.

We have friends in different seasons of life…school, university, young motherhood, etc. Some friends are lifetime friends and others drift in and out in our life’s seasons. She was a great friend for you in that particular season of your life. Things have changed, and she is now more of a drain on your time/annual leave/finances (paying for holidays)/marriage. She isn’t working in your current season, and it’s okay to move on.

Cancel the holiday and night out.
Keep her at arms length or block.

Absolute nightmare.

What does your dh think about her?

This sounds utterly exhausting.
Before you even sell your current property I’d be getting this nipped in the bud.

Kindness and politeness don’t work with her.
You have to be direct and borderline rude !

If it was me, I’d block her, ask her to stop using your house as a delivery option and NO, you can’t go on holiday with her and NO she’s not staying at yours.

You don’t need to justify or give reasons. Practice saying the word NO on its own ! NO every time and nothing else !

It’s got to the point where I’d consider her the enemy rather than a friend.

She is toxic and all these messages are absolutely wrong. No one should feel hounded or dread opening messages from friends. She doesn’t approve of your other friendships? She keeps wanting to isolate you by events and holidaying etc. that should have been arranged mutually.

it doesn’t sound like you are getting anything out of the friendship. Don’t feel guilty because she was there for you in the past, she’s being awful now. Walk away from her intensity, you don’t need this.

Stop being so "kind" (wet) in your responses.

"Nope, not a chance", "Definitely not" - these are the sorts of responses needed to shut her down. She is walking all over you and you are letting her.

You should probably walk run away from this ‘friendship.’ She is obsessed with you and as she keeps trampling your boundaries and won’t take no for an answer, this is not a healthy friendship and the impact it is having on you is not what a normal friendship does.

Cancel the holiday; if you can’t get a refund then consider how much extra you would have been spending anyway on meals, transport, sight-seeing, shopping etc and you’d still be better off. Plus the stress of her when there is just the two of you would be dire. Maybe she can take her new bf.

Tell her to stop ordering parcel deliveries to you, and lock your porch if possible. Tell her you’ll write “Return to Sender, not at this address” on parcels (even if you don’t have time to take them to the post office, just tell her this).

Tell your DH what she is doing and how she is making you feel and ensure he has your back.

Block her, she will never change.

You need to be firm and say no.
You also clearly need to say to her that there is a pattern of her ignoring your needs and only thinking of her own.
Shes a vampire.

Just dump her
Block and move on with your life
You'll feel so much lighter
Some friendships are for a season

One of the things with being neurodivergent is that you learn to override your own instincts. Some people will take advantage of this. The stress you feel when she contacts you is caused by your instincts screaming that she is overstepping your boundaries.

I would start softly and message her to say, “I’ve had a long think about the night out, and I’ve decided I’m not interested in going out anymore. Hope you have fun”

If she pesters, “Yeah, I’ve made my decision, I’m not going to talk about it anymore.”

if she carries on, “I’m pretty sure I’ve already told you the answer to this. But for clarity, it’s a no and that’s not going to change.”

You really need to cancel the holiday with her. The money is spent either way, so don’t fall into sunk costs fallacy. Do what you want to do, and if that’s stay home, it’s worth every penny.

If she keeps pestering then it’s actually the perfect time to make your feelings known about the holiday too. “I don’t feel like you’re listening to me or respecting what I want. I’ve decided I don’t want to go on holiday with you this year as I need some space. I can either cancel my ticket or your partner can buy it off me if you’d rather. I’ve got a lot on at the moment with the move and new job, and I need to do what is right for me. I know that if you care about me you will respect that.”

If the pestering continues then block her. You are basically saying, “this is what I need, if you don’t respect it, you don’t care about what I need”. How she responds will tell you if she’s a friend or not. I suspect not.

Feed the friendships that feed you.

You have full permission to block her and move on. You have been kinder than most would be.

I would suggest she just goes with the boyfriend. Don’t go to the event as you don’t want to and are worried about work. Can the boyfriend also replace you on the holiday?

You need to step away from this friendship.

You need to end this friendship as it is not serving you well. ”Hi friend I’m finding this friendship too stressful, you’re too demanding of me and won’t take no for an answer. It’s best for me if we go our separate ways. I won’t be coming on the holiday or the night out and I won’t be taking in your parcels anymore so don’t get anything else delivered to my address. Sorry if this is hurtful but I’ve had enough and I’m putting down my boundaries”. If she then pleads etc just repeat the message “sorry I’ve nothing more to say on this”, then eventually block her if she doesn’t stop.

If you’re not going to end the friendship then you need to be much more firm and explicit in your replies so that she doesn’t continue to walk all over you. Re the night out “just to clarify that I won’t be coming on the night out as I have work the next day. You won’t be able to stay here so will need to find somewhere else.” Whatever she responds with you just repeat the no, however many times it takes “sorry, I’ve already said I won’t be coming and you won’t be able to stay here”.

Re the parcels “please stop having parcels delivered to my house as it’s really inconvenient. I won’t be letting you know my new address as I don’t want to keep taking in your deliveries.” Whatever excuse she comes back with, just repeat the original message.

Re demanding you go on holidays/dates for holidays “please stop badgering me for dates, I am just going to be going on holiday with my husband as it’s important we spend the time together just the two of us”. Any further requests from her “please stop asking me about this, I’ve already given you my answer “.

Stop giving in to her demands and letting her walk all over you and start being firm with your NOs.

For heavens sake just tell her to Fuck Off!!

Friendships should be a source of support and warmth, not battles of wills and endless stress!

Just text her that she's gone too far in her pushiness to get her own way and you've had enough of it. The night out, holiday etc are all off the table along with your home as her parcel depot. Any future parcels will be returned to sender.

Don't argue the toss. Just tell her once then block.

OP, I think you need to learn that some people just aren't very nice. Just because they fall under a category called 'Friend', it does not mean you have to put up with it once their true nature becomes apparent. The healthiest thing for you to do is to end this 'friendship', rather than constantly battle to manage it.

You're massively overthinking this.

Just ignore the stream of holiday requests. There's no reason to say anything or give any reason. You've given plenty of decent reasons why in the past, and she continues to bombard you.

Oh OP!
Rule one, never let anyone deliver parcels to your house, it's probably drugs.

I feel so sorry for her parents, I am guessing she is pretending to them that she is saving money by living at home so she can afford a place of her own … while secretly spending a fortune online, you are doing her family no favours by allowing her parcels go to your address

I think you know that this friendship is no longer working for you on any level. You feel constantly pressured and hounded by this person - that is not a friendship, and I think most people would not tolerate this.
The only way to change things is to set firm boundaries and as PP's have said you need to learn how to say no and mean it.
Start with this event which you need to cancel as soon as possible.
Tell her, by text if necessary, that you can no longer go because of work commitments - you need to prepare for work the next day and you don't want a late night or guests. That is a perfectly valid reason to cancel and in any case you don't even have to have a reason to say no to someone - that is the beauty of being an adult with the right to make decisions for yourself.
She already has someone else to go with so you wont be leaving her in the lurch. Dont get into a negotiation about it, just keep repeating that you have made your decision and it no longer works for you.
If she argues about it or pressures you then that is the perfect time to bring up how you actually felt pressured by her when you first agreed to it. And that you have have been feeling like that a lot lately.
She will probably not want to listen, but if necessary you can point out all the many examples, like you have given here. If she is really a good friend then she will care about upsetting you and think about what she can do to change things. But I suspect she will take no responsibility and will just ramp up the pressure. At this point you must not buckle, or compromise. It is not a negotiation and you have made your decision. Just rinse and repeat. And if she turns nasty then just block her and don't look back. I suspect your life would be so much lighter and less complicated without her in it!
And just to be clear - a good friend would not pressure you into making plans. Good friends dont hound each other by text message or have parcels delivered without checking first that it's ok. Good friendships are mutual and are based on respect. But from what you have described, it is clear that she does not respect you and she does not respect your right to say no to her. Time to let her know that this no longer works for you. Good luck!