Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

BTW I wouldn't go on this holiday

How much money have you spent so far? Can you get it back? If not, just see it as gone and you won't spend even more when you're out there

Hi CF
Please stop spamming me with holiday requests! I'm really busy and stressed at present and need to prioritise work and quality time with DH. If your BF wants to buy my existing booking off me that's great, otherwise I'll cancel it. Also please stop having parcels delivered to our home, we didn't give permission for this and are not happy with it. If any more arrive we will return to sender.
Best wishes.

Remember this - we teach people how to treat us.

By giving her your time and giving in when she pesters you, you have taught her that your 'NO' can be changed to a 'YES' if she goes on at you long enough.

I agree with PP saying block and move on. Your life will be better without her in it. if you want to prewarn her with a text along the lines of 'This is all getting a bit much. I've said no and I mean it. I won't be responding to any further messages about this' , that's fair enough but if she then persists shut it all down.

In your position I’d start with the event.

”After having a think about it, I’m not going to come to the event with you and John. Hope you have a great night. “

If she asks why say “I’m feeling really pressurised about this event, and actually I just want to prioritise myself”

If she asks anything else or sends any more messages “Please stop asking, I’ve said no”

Then really really stick to your no and don’t go.

She is walking all over you.

As a holiday is booked and particularly if money is involved I would be writing along the lines of….

Dear friend. You have been bombarding me with holidays, event requests and to stay in our home. Please stop. I have told you many times that I have been unable to or can’t attend such things but you keep going. I am no longer able to go on our holiday. This needs to either be cancelled or transferred into boyfriend’s name. This is my final decision in the matter. You must respect my wishes on it. I expect cancellation or transfer to be in place by Monday.

I am no longer able to attend the event and neither is DH. Our home will not be available for you to stay overnight. You will need to make your own alternative arrangements.

We are no longer willing to be a postal address for your parcels. Please refrain from sending these to our home. Any future deliveries will be disposed of.

You must stop bombarding me with messages on holidays and events. While I am happy to have a friendship (if you are of course) then we can stay in touch however, if you continue as you have been, I will be blocking your number. It is too much. Please respect my wishes and final decisions made in this message to you.

Or something like that! Good luck.

Can you lock your front porch so that there isn't a "safe space"?
Or put up a notice that parcels cannot be left if no-one answers the door?

The fact that this woman doesn't like you having other friends rang alarm bells. She is manipulating you to isolate you from them. It's a common tactic from people like this.

What does your husband say about her @brownbreadd ?

Cancel everything - and the sooner the better! You can use your holiday allocation at work plus the need to have time free when you (eventually) move house as an excuse if you need one. Tell her that you are happy to transfer the holiday across to her boyfriend (check how this can be done and what financial penalties/refunds are associated to present her with a fait accompli).

Then block or mute or only reply once a week. She is selfish and purposefully ignoring all your boundaries - she wants what she wants and to hell with what you want. As I read your OP, I thought you were going to say that, after all her pestering, you got really angry with her……but instead I read that you gave in!!! Unfortunately you are going to have to get tough with her and I fear it may spell the end of the friendship but that will not be a bad thing especially as you say you have other lovely friends (who she disapproves of, quelle surprise).

This is a really good message, respectful but firm.

You need to assert your boundaries strongly and put a stop to this absurd situation which is making you miserable. This kind of person needs to be very firmly put in their place.

Don't worry about being overly polite; just put a stop to it. You can be open to maintaining the friendship (if you want to of course) but if she reacts badly so what? You have other friends.

No one should be dreading a holiday! Trust your feelings and prioritise yourself for a change. There's a great line in the Big Bang theory when Sheldon is asked to some social occasion and says 'I'm afraid that doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy'. It made me realise how often we all try and be nice to people and accept things we wouldn't choose to do ourselves in the name of friendship. She's behaved badly but you've let her, so be clear it stops now and stick to it!

Do you not see what a huge problem that is?

Your other friendships are none of her business.

Put a big sign up to refuse deliveries. Cancel the holiday
Either fade away or block.

She's toxic

This isn't a case where there's been some confusion and she hasn't heard your boundaries because you're not clear enough - she doesn't give a shit about you or your life or your needs, she just wants what she wants when she wants it.

It doesn't matter how you word it, she will demolish any boundary you set. I really think you should write off the cost of the holiday - tell her to go with Mr Wonderful (but can't cough up for a hotel and wants to stay at yours). Consider whatever money you lose the price of freedom, and block her out of your life.

Fuck me! I felt breathless and overwhelmed just reading that. Please do take the advice upthread and extricate yourself from this woman.

Have you considered moving in together with her when you've managed to sell your house? Just you & her - you seem to give more time & concern to her rather than your DH!

So she helped you through a shitty period in your life. How long will you allow her to use that experience to manipulate you into doing what SHE wants?

Will you move into a nursing home with her when you’re widowed and elderly, just because she was once good to you? 😳

For goodness sake, end it now. Completely.

This friendship has turned very sour and you don’t owe her anything. Cancel the holiday and tell her you no longer want to see her. Block her completely.

Forget about the money you’ll lose from the holiday. It will be totally worth it to get back your peace of mind.

Cancel the holiday - holidays are meant to be happy things to look forward, and it's not for you, so by definition it's not a holiday. On so many levels, you must not go on that holiday (wasted time, wasted leave, time away from DH, being made even more miserable by her etc)

In fact, don't even bother telling her, as PP have said, just block her and move on.

Don't throw good time after bad money by going on that holiday.

The money isn't wasted, it's payment for finding out that you really don't like spending time in her company. Spending that money has opened your eyes to the fact that the friendship needs to end.

Remember, she cannot physically force you on a plane or whatever, it's you who's forcing yourself to go, just because you're finding it difficult to say no, but it's MORE difficult to go on the holiday, so just don't go.

FGS don’t tell her you’re still happy to be friends, as a PP suggested!! You’ll never be rid of her. You’ll have the same manipulative, self-centred ‘friend’ with a large side of spite because she’ll be pissed off at you!

You don’t get it. She wasnt supportive at that difficult time in your life. She didn’t/doesn’t care about you. She saw an opportunity and took it. She wheedled her way in by pretending to care, then she tried to isolate you from your other friends knowing you’d be too much of a doormat to object. That’s all you are to her, not an individual, just a tool for her to use. When you get rid of her, she’ll just replace you with a new doormat.

Your Nos don’t mean No though and that’s the problem. You’re saying ‘no, no, oh ok yes then’. She knows with enough pressure you’ll say yes, it’s easy for her to get a yes out of you. Stay strong, say no and then don’t engage further in that particular conversation. It took me a while to learn to say no and stick with it but it’s second nature now.

Also, weigh up how much you really want or need this friendship, it sounds more hassle than it’s worth.

Can you leaver her parcels where they are on your porch, send a picture of them and tell her to pick them up? Do not bring them in the house.
Send her a message ‘dear friend. I’m not going be able to make said event. I need to focus on my new job, and I’m not having anyone to stay right before a viewing. I hope you find somewhere not too expensive, and have a lovely time. Bye’
Cancel the holiday and tell her you don’t have enough annual leave to spare. Tell her to find someone else.
She is not a good friend, she is entirely self serving and only has her interests at heart

Right OP - from an outsider’s perspective, this is very simple.

She is not your friend and I am sorry to be so blunt, but you are a soft target for her because you want to please people and have ASD/anxiety. She knows that she can hound and beg you and get what she wants - so why would she stop? She always gets her way.

-a friend doesn’t hound you
-a friend accepts when you say no and doesn’t stamp her feet like a toddler and guilt trip you
-a friend doesn’t take the piss re staying at inappropriate times.

She is abusing you and threatening your job. She’s also threatening your marriage.

You’ve reached breaking point.

it’s a great time for you to dump her as she has a new man to entertain her. Until he becomes tired of her behaviour.

-do not go on the holiday. Ok you might lose money, but you’ll lose more money if you actually go as you’ll have to pay for things there. Attend the vital job training.
-do not go on the night out. Sleep and then get to work.

I would cut contact TODAY

this shit is ruining your life. Seeing a friend should be a pleasure.

Abusive people like her hunt down people pleasers like you.

Please make this stop today. And apologise to your husband.

I’d cancel every single thing and explain that I need my space for personal reasons that I will not disclose.

Meanwhile… the parcels. Is she getting drugs delivered to your address ? 😳

Its probably just loads of slave-made crap clothes and cheapo slap.

No matter - stop the parcels and if they continue to arrive open them and come back here to tell us what’s in them. (Sorry my imagination tortures me sometimes)

After you’ve told us what’s in the parcels you can redirect them to her address or the police.

Good luck she sounds horrible and you need to get shut!!!

Do not be kind to cheeky fuckers and abusers of goodwill. This "friend" of yours is very much in this category and you have not asserted your boundaries strongly enough and have cracked under pressure. You are not dealing with a nice person who will pick up on the message you want to deliver- only a sledgehammer of a brutal message or complete ghosting is going to help with such a person.

In all honestly, from everything you have said this woman is toxic and bad news. I would consider dropping her together.

TBH I would not be at all surprised if she targeted you when you were going through a hard time; knowing your vulnerabilities, to build up your sense of obligation towards her and pressure you to call in favours later. It could be as cynical as that.

Annual leave is precious and you want to spend it and your hard earned money on holidays and activities you enjoy. You don't want to go on holidays or evenings out with her so you can cancel the things you have booked with her. Tell her you have changed your mind, do not feel guilty about it. If she reacts badly then block her.

These days I spend my precious free time only with people I love doing things I love; if anyone doesn't like it I don't care.

She's not your friend; she's a self-serving energy vampire.

I agree with all the PP who've said you should cancel the holiday (you'll need to swallow the cost of cancellation) and block this woman completely.

She doesnt approve of your older friends? Bloody hell, cut her loose OP.

why only half a mind? JFD!