Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

Dump her.

You have no boundaries and because of that you’ve given her the impression that it doesn’t matter what you say, as she can talk you in to whatever she wants to happen. If you want to change the situation you have to remain firm in your boundary. No has to mean no. If she keeps texting you about the same thing say I’ve already told you no then ignore any further messages about it.

I am constantly surprised by how some people on here can barely find a friend to have a single non-commital coffee with, and others can find friends like you, who will allow just about anything.

She is a nightmare.

Erm sort of being bribed to go on long haul holidays and having mysterious parcels delivered to your house - am I the only one thinking what I’m thinking?

OP this is not a friendship. In a friendship you do not feel hounded, used, bullied, uncomfortable…

Message her to say you will not be going to the event and that you will not be able to have them the stay the night that your reasons were made clear but she did not want to understand them, your decision is made up.
Tell her if she is going to message anything other than okay that you will simply block her.

To be honest I would send her one long message and say this friendship is not working for you and you are no longer interested, ask her not to message you, come round or have things delivered.

good luck

I don't think the request to stay the night is an unreasonable one. It's the insistance on getting her own way that's wrong. She is far too over bearing and bossy and won't take no for an answer. Best thing to do is just to really cool down the friendship. And if she keeps on pestering you end it altogether. She sounds a total pain in the neck tbh.

You send her a text saying something like the following:
"Hi Amanda,
I'm not sure that I'm making my self clear so apologies if I haven't been clear up to now. You and your OH will not be able to stay with us when you're attending the event in MyTown. DH and I have a lot going on and I'm letting you know that you will have to find an alternative place to stay.
[the next bit you can decide whether to send or not, depending on whether you want to carry on this friendship or not]
Also, while I'm sending you this message, I think that it would probably be best if we make arrangements now, to transfer the upcoming holiday to your OH's name and I'll need what I've paid for the holiday transferred to me which will be £xxx. I simply cannot afford to take the time off at the moment to go on this holiday and I should have been clearer at the time with you when you were asking me.
Please come back to me about the holiday and to confirm that you understand that you're not going to be able to stay with DH and I after your event.
All the best @brownbreadd "

With a new man on the scene it’s a very good time to put a bit more distance in your relationship. If you want to end the friendship that’s ok too.

I think your weakness is that you need, at some level, for her to agree with and understand your position. That’s not going to happen so you have to learn to ride out the discomfort. It’s not your job to make her happy.

You’ve taught her that with enough pressure you shift from no-no-no-no to yes. And that’s a hard dynamic to change, because there’s always the chance that you’ll say yes if she asks just one more time. A good way to disrupt this pattern is to change your mind and go back to no.
“I’ve had a think and I’m not going to go.”
”That’s not going to work, it’s a no”
”I forgot I was working then, I won’t be able to go after all”

good luck op.

Now you've said that... 😂

It sounds like 'gently' saying no and trying to be 'kind' is not working for you with this friend and you just keep capitulating to what she wants to do/ what's important to her.

I was in the exact same boat a couple of years ago - buying a house, changing jobs - friends wanted me to go on a holiday. My response was
'No, I will not be able to go as I am about to spend a shed load of money buying a new house. Holidays are not a priority for me for the foreseeable.'

On the staying over request say 'Sorry that doesn't work for us. Hope you find another option or just go for the day.'

TBH you sound like a people pleaser push over. Unless you start saying 'no' and sticking to it this will keep happening. It's a skill you have to learn and develop, it might feel uncomfortable initially but you just need to keep practicing.

Sorry this is on you. No one can 'hound' you if you don't allow it. You are a big grown, married woman who was big enough to be buying a house yet you can't say NO??
You are giving her mixed messages all the time and then saying it's her who hounds you. It sounds like you also enjoy this drama. Absolutely no one books a holiday just because they were 'hounded' into it - you just didn't say no.

This, you're behaving like a 5yo op. How on earth do you manage a day making adult decisions if you can't even manage the word NO.

I'd change your phone number too. Not even joking.

Think how free you'd feel if she wasn't in your life!

Then more fool you for doing this, this is entirely on you. And you're still not getting it. You don't have to go!!! I really don't know how your dh puts up with this nonsense from you, you were taking it out on him too.

I’d let the friendship go. It might have worked in the early stages but it sounds like it definitely is not the friendship for you. You’re different people, you sound like you prefer a quieter pace of life and she sounds incredibly intense. If she won’t take no for an answer be clear with her. Tell her no and then ignore any further messages. If she asks why tell her ‘I am ignoring your further messages as I already said no and you keep asking, I’m not changing my mind’.
would you feel happier if she suddenly dropped away from your life? If yes then let the friendship go. It should be fun not hard work!

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

I'll tell you exactly what the problem is- she has no boundaries and your wishy washy caving in has simply taught her that it takes 15 times of asking for you to say yes. This is a pattern you have created by umming and ahhing and now she knows all she has to do is continually hound you to get what she wants. Yes, there is obviously something very wrong with her but you have colluded with whatever this is and indicated to her that you can be convinced with enough pressure. So she puts on more pressure.

I understand you have anxiety but what you are doing is not working is it, in fact, it is creating MORE anxiety for you because you then get yourself into situations you cant back out of without more anxiety and if you had just said NO in the first place it would have saved you all this.

Hinting and beating around the bush will not work with people like her because they dont take hints. You need to send a very clear, factual, non emotional message that clearly states no, this wont be happening. Then follow up every text with the same broken record cut and paste answer.

She likely targeted you because you have no boundaries and she learnt that she could manipulate you. Only you can stop this now otherwise you'll end up getting more and more stressed.

I've read more of the other comments on this thread and I'm 100% in the group saying put your foot down now and hang the consequences (i.e. her throwing a strop or better yet, her going completely quiet on you).

Tell her that you don't want to go on the night out as you have discovered in your calendar a very important meeting that you have to be on top form for. Add to that they can't stay with you when they are going and you don't appreciate the statement that "this is what we're doing" and you don't get a choice.
Also tell her that you're no longer able to go on the holiday and you're no interested in going on any other holidays with her for the time being as you have a lot going on and you have to focus on that.

This woman has zero objection to offending you so you should have no worries about putting your own boundaries that you can stick to being enforced by you. You're not going to back down, you're not interested in doing things with her at the moment.

If she is as good a friend to you as you are to her, then this will blow over but you will be on a more equal footing in the friendship. At the moment she is doing all of the taking and you're doing all of the giving. That has to change.

The ‘pinky promise’… that for a start would have had me running !

That post was far too long to explain the situation. It's very simple, you pull out of the event without telling her, block her everywhere and go away for that weekend.

She can go with her new man instead. I don’t understand why you’re continuing to be such a pushover. Every time you give in, you send her the message that if she nags you enough you’ll change your mind. Seriously, get rid of her. Who needs friends like this who cause you so much stress?

And yes, she’s most definitely using you. She sees you as a doormat. Show her she’s wrong. Cancel the holiday with her (or get the man to go); tell her you can’t go out to the club as you’re too busy with your job and life in general; tell her you wish her success with her new partner but you’re moving on - then block her. Put a note on your door for the parcel delivery people (no parcels for X, please) and any that do slip through, return to sender.

Hopefully she’ll then leave you alone, but if she doesn’t, then be clear about why you’ve had enough of her. She doesn’t sound like a real friend. She sounds like a user. You could be anyone. She doesn’t care about you else she wouldn’t have bombarded you with holiday crap when you were busy. She lives at home. Unless she’s in her teens that’s bloody sad and - unless it’s short term or there’s been a disaster - often a sign of someone who can’t form normal relationships and is utterly self-centred.

This,

Simply stay, no that doesn't work for us and stick with it.

She may ditch the 'friendship' once she realises she's no longer the boss of you.

Seriously, some people.

OP focus on your life, your partner and try to nurture friendships with MUTUAL respect.

For fucks sake op! This is not a friend. You can waste the money you've committed on going on a miserable holiday and a miserable event or you can stand up for yourself and lose this limpet. You're in an abusive relationship.
If you're capable of doing it, be blunt and stick with what you say. Tell her that you feel she's ruined the friendship by the constant harrassment and you have decided that you want no further contact. This means that you will not be going on the holiday or to the event and this is your final decision. Effectively end the relationship just as you would if you were splitting up with a 'boyfriend'.

I hope you're strong enough to cut the crap and change your life for the better. Maybe your husband can give you some support in doing that.

Genuine question.
What has happened in your life to think that someone else's wishes take priority over your boundaries? Why do you think that someone should be allowed to ride roughshod over your word? Why are her desires more important than yours? Why do you feel the need to ask people if you're being unreasonable to listen to your natural, in-built alarm system that is going off like a siren? You don't have to answer me, but ask yourself these questions, because her behaviour is not normal friendship. She is a USER. Maybe she did help you, maybe she does have good sides, but she probably uses that as currency to now get what she wants from you.

Op, I had a friend like that in my late teens/early twenties, and it was so traumatic that I still dream about her when I'm stressed out. In the end I had to write her a letter to tell her the friendship was over.

This was the last time anyone walked over my boundaries and it was over 20 years ago. She did me a favour, because as soon as my siren starts going off with a new person, they are immediately restricted from my life. I just do not let them in. There were probably signs at the start that you didn't pick up on (or maybe you did but brished it off), but you will if someone else ever does the same in the future.

Block her, fade her out, move away and don't tell her where, sit her down and 'break up' with her...whatever. Just get her out of your life but don't expect her to side your POV and agree that she has been out of order. Accept that she will think that YOU are the problem for not lying there while she tramples all over you and sit with that discomfort until time and distance heals it.

You will be better off without her, and she will absolutely fine. People like her always are!

No, I've told you that doesn't work for me. Don't ask again as it's becoming very annoying.

Repeat as needed.

She’s a CF but you’re a doormat.

Dont tell her your new address when you move.