Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

“I’m pleased New man can go with you, because this means I don’t have to. Sorry, I’m working next day and don’t want to go out, neither does dh. And no, sorry, you can’t stop over. “
Next day “About the holiday, I’ve reconsidered and no longer want to go,but why don’t you ask New Man?”
And mute.

I can see the type of person you are from your first post, and unfortunately some people are going to take advantage of your nature.

First of all, cancel that night out. It doesn't suit you and it is not convenient either. She will no doubt have a big complain about it, but stop letting her talk you around. Even the holiday doesn't suit you as you are missing training. Look at the big picture here. It's not ideal.

It sounds like she is jealous of your relationship with your dh, third wheeling all the time. Hopefully now she has met someone you will be off the hook a bit. She sounds very intense.

But why does she need to stay over at yours? She can't be that far away if she can swing by to pick up parcels whenever? Is it not she just wants a night with the boyfriend as they don't want to go to either parents house ? If you allow this, you have to know it won't be a one off. Double date so they can come back to yours after.

You are just going to have to get firm with her. What is your DHS take on all of this?

I used to have a friend like this. Her name doesn't start with an A does it?

She’s identified your weaknesses and exploits them to her advantage.

Did she love bomb you with her niceness at the start @brownbreadd and now her toxic colours are showing? She isn't a friend, she wants to control you.
You have to learn to keep saying no to her.
I'd be inclined to tell her that the friendship isn't working and she needs to stop pushing you. Cancel the event with them/holiday (and cut your losses). Stop accepting packages - tell them she doesn't live there and you didn't ever give permission for her to use your address.

She sounds truly exhausting, and also quite immature with her pinky promises and double dates. You need to be firm. No I can’t go on any more holidays. No I have work the next day and I will not be going out to a club. If she doesn’t listen and it stresses you out, block her. Doesn’t sound like she’s adding anything positive to your life at the moment, even if she has in the past.

I have a friend similar in some respects, although no where near as intense.
I am also similar to you! Particularly with the anxiety side of things, and doctors are currently questioning if I have ASD.
One thing recently told to me and a realisation, is that I very much lack putting boundaries in place. People will take advantage, step over the line with me so I have been very strict with saying “NO” and sticking to it. Oh my gosh it’s hard to start with as it makes you feel bad inside but honestly in the long run it is so much better for your mental health rather than having to go through that anxiety.
in relation to my similar friend… I think she is very lonely and generally quite a needy person. My friend is also very entitled!! In the last few Months I’ve distanced myself. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, but in reality, friendships should work on an even playing field, with respect and care for each other. They shouldn’t mentally drain you on a daily basis! I guess either talk to her about how you are feeling or I think you need to start phasing her out! Because you have been saying “no” and she continues to pester you, I think moving on from her may be the best thing!! Keep sticking to your guns though! Tell her you’ll have to block her if she cannot respect you. You don’t deserve to be putting up with that crap! <3

This 'friendship' is potentially affecting:
the sale of your house (house needs to be clean and empty for viewings),
your work performance (going to a tiring late night event before a work commitment) and schedule (holiday allowance used up for something you don't want or need)
and your relationship with DH (you don't spend enough time with him yet your energy is wasted on this woman and her chosen activities).
Husband and family, home and job are the most important things in your life. Anything that could have a negative impact on these must be avoided. She is slowly eroding your safe environment. And making you waste money on events you would not enjoy.
Stick to your priorities and decline everything else. She is not a friend. She is using you and it is costing you your energy and money. Why would you still want her in your life?
Just say No. there's no need to say 'sorry, no'. No, no, no. I won't / don't want to do x, y, z. You don't need to explain why.
No means no.

@brownbreadd Do not go on the holiday or the night out, you've lost that money anyway, don't lose any more by actually going.

You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain by telling her that you no longer wish to continue the friendship.

Refuse deliveries for her too, tell the delivery person you won't accept deliveries for Ms X.

Give your friend a gift of a half priced holiday for her new boyfriend. The one you booked together with her!

Seriously, you need to get out of that holiday and refuse to book another with her.
You also need to reneg on the night out and you should ALWAYS say NO to her asking to stay over. Never give in.

She is like a toddler who begs and tantrums until you cave in. Be the strong, wise adult and keep to your initial response.
You never have to agree to doing anything at all with anyone. You don't owe her an explanation, nor a rationale.
Block her number if she can not understand that you have already answered.
"I will block your number if you continue to disrespect my decision, you can not stay, sorry."
"I will block your number if you can't respect my decision. Please don't ask again."

Tell your friend that you will not be accepting parcel deliveries for her from two weeks hence. You will put up a sign for the delivery person to that affect on XX date. Tell her then give her written notice.

Plan more lovely escapes with your husband and do not tell friend about your private life.
If she can not improve her boundaries, block her.

I suspect there's a lot more that she takes advantage of?

Do you really not see how she is not a friend?

She's using you. She doesn't care about your feelings, she only cares about herself.

There's no point explaining anything to this woman, she's overstepped massively and now feels entitled to control you.

Take control back, no one is forcing you to do anything you don't want to do - personally I'd have blocked her months ago!

You don't need to justify not wanting to go to a club by saying you have ASD. It's OK to just not want to go. Agree with what other people have said that she doesn't sound like a friend and I think you should let this 'friendship' go.

I would message her and say firmly that you do not have the time or mental energy for the type of friendship she is wanting. I would say that I can’t attend the night out due to work commitments and that you no longer want to go on the holiday as you felt pressured into booking.

Cancel the holiday. Reclaim your boundaries and your life. You will feel instant relief.

With 'friends' like these half way measures don't work, you will end up having to block her anyway, so you might as well do it now.

I'm another one who thinks that you have not been as clear with this friend as you think that you have.
If she kept on and on getting back to you with different holiday possibilities, perhaps you only ever managed to say no to particular holiday options, rather than to the whole project? And perhaps this is your strategy more generally - to object to some detail or other when in fact you are just not interested, full stop.
If that is the case, then you owe it to her as well as yourself to be more honest.

It sounds as if you don't much like anything that she has to offer. Find a frank - but polite - way of letting her know. For her sake as well as yours.

I've had to cut ties with a very demanding friend once - she told me 'you have a very different idea of friendship than me', and I at least had to agree with her on that! She thought friendship gave her a right to control my life. The feeling of relief to have my life back when I cut ties was undescribable! Good luck!

But she's not lonely. She has a partner.

Just say no. If she keeps asking point out you have said no already. If she keeps asking tell her it's peculiar that she keeps asking when you have answered and would she please stop it. If she keeps asking, tell her it's stressing you out. If she keeps asking, don't reply

I didn’t read it all as it was too long, but I think I got the gist of it

You need to start just replying no. You don’t need to give a reason and if she keeps asking just reply again the answer is no

also stop replying to every message, you are engaging which is making it worse

Just say no to everything rather than be wishy washy or give mixed messages

A suggestion - with new man on the scene, suggest she takes new man on the holiday if he can pay for the change of names. Yes you have lost the money but you get your time back and she gets the holiday. Then next time she asks you say sorry that isn't in my budget and repeat until she gets the picture. You can also say sorry I'm not making any plans due to house move this year. If she persists just message her I have said no so please don't raise it again. Another alternative is simply no thanks, that's not my idea of fun. You are going to need to exhibit a shiny new spine. Good luck

Don’t open numerous messages a day from her , reply to first and then you don’t have to justify reasons further . If she can afford expensive holidays she can afford one night in a hotel , instead of asking to stay with you.

The way she conducts a friendship isn’t normal.
No wonder she has no friends, sad though that is.
Out of desperation to have a special friend, she bullies you into proving you are faithful, loyal and totally committed to her in spite of, and very often against your own wishes. That’s really not normal.
She has a massive personality flaw and that’s not your problem.
You already know this but you are afraid to stand your ground.
She doesn’t care about you OP.
Only you can take care of your own needs in this so called friendship.
Why not simply say No!

The only way to help her, if you can be bothered, is to stand firm on what you actually want out of the friendship yourself. Everything else you must say no to. And never ever back down from your no.

You have a perfect and very real excuse to get out of the late night. -Your need to be alert and on task the next day. So say no.
You have a perfect and very real excuse to lose your deposit and not go on the holiday. -You need time together with your DH. Her new BF can go instead. So say …For personal reasons, I’ve had to reconsider and will no longer be coming with you on holiday. No, I won’t change my mind.
You have the perfect and very real excuse not to host the two of them overnight. -You have other considerations of a house viewing. So say no.

You don’t need excuses though. You aren’t obliged to give explanations.
You can just say No
It’s perfectly Ok to say…… NO thank you.

No thank you Jane, I won’t be hosting you overnight no matter how much you push me so please stop, it’s uncomfortable now. No I’m not talking about it any more, I’ve said no and you must accept that.

NO Jane no more parcels delivered to my house, NO I won’t change my mind.
Put a note on your door for the delivery driver. No more parcels for Jane to be left here.

When she pushes, you ignore. Resist the temptation to respond. Make yourself ignore.
When she pushes more, you block her for a day or two. Make yourself block her.
When she demands an explanation of why you blocked her for two days, you block her for even longer. You have your own very busy life to live OP. You don’t have to explain yourself because you have already told her a very firm NO.
Let the penny drop with her.
Then unblock her and carry on as normal, the way you want to.
It will take a few repeats of the cycle for her to get the message.
Block her for two days whenever she gets pushy, angry, frustrated, upset, tearful, negative when you don’t do what she wants you to do. You don’t have time to listen to her nonsense let alone respond to it.

OP, You can block her forever if you want to, simply because you said No and she wouldn’t take No for an answer. That’s reason enough.

I think you have a boundary issue - you have trouble enforcing them and she has trouble respecting them. It's hard, I know my sister does not respect my boundaries and I continually have to remind her and every time I remind her she takes it badly, if she were my friend I'd end it - she's my sister and she has mental health problems (which I feel she weaponises) so I trudge on.

You are both just very opposite people, she seems like she likes to have things coming up, likes to be ‘doing’ everything and anything whereas you just want to chill at home and go through everyday life. She’s also outspoken and outgoing and you don’t seem to be so much so. I’d say your anxiety isn’t great and you’ve decided you can’t make the thing that you have a night before work and from now on when she texts just say something like ‘not for me, you should go though’ or just smiley faces and edge out. It’s not red flags, it’s not her, not you. x

Oh stop being bloody kind! You owe her nothing. Drop your end of the rope and walk away. Find an actual friend, because she isn't.

Most of the info in your post was irrelevant

And I'd be interested to hear her side of the story

If you don't want to host, you dont have to. But asking to stay one night isn't such an unreasonable request

Parcels = that's weird. Tell her to stop doing this, and put a sign on your door refusing delivery