Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

You and DH develop a nasty vomiting bug and cancel the night out. Sorry but I have to cancel the holiday, don’t give a reason. Stop texting her back. Any deliveries arrive, you say nit st this address or just leave them outside.

final text - Yo CF this is not working, your hounding me with daily messages, you don’t take no for an answer, I need to take a break from you so I’m going to be blocking your number, I suggest you hire a pobox for deliveries as we won’t be taking any more in. Bye

There's a reason she has no friends.

Reply 'no' the first time she asks something, then ignore any repetititons. Eventually move, block, ignore.

With all the excessive spending, have you checked your credit score to make sure she hasn't got any debt/credit cards registered at your address or otherwise linked to you?

You sound like you've tried being nice and kind etc and ended up being walked all over by this 'friend' You need to be MUCH clearer and firmer about your boundaries. Sit her down face to face and tell her straight - no more parcels delivered to your house, no she can't stay at your house with her boyfriend, you're not going on the night out or holidays with her and she needs stop messaging you when you've said no or you'll have to block her number. It may seem harsh but with some people you have to be. Don't feel bad about hurting her feelings, is she feeling bad about the way she treats you? Stand up for yourself OP, only you can put a stop to this!

I'd send her a message saying you will NOT be going on the night out, you will NOT be going on the holiday and you will NOT be accepting any more parcels for her (and put a note on your door to that effect) and then block. She is not your friend so offending her will not result in you losing a friend.

OP what you've taught her is that if she pesters you for long enough you'll give in. So she's always going to go on and on until you reach that breaking point because she knows she'll get what she wants in the end.

So you have to find the courage to say no and KEEP saying no. Don't buckle, ever. She will keep going, but say no and no and no and don't stop. Make sure she blinks first, even if it takes a year.

Normally I'm a fight your own battles sort, but as you do obviously really struggle with this can you rope in DH to be the bad guy?

to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I don't think she's deliberately trying to make it difficult. The difficulty arises because she won't take no for an answer.

TBH I don't think you have much to lose if you just block her. You think of her as a close friend and maybe she was once. But because you've let her walk all over you (and probably have from the beginning if you think about it) you're no longer a friend to her, just a support human to make her life easier without any thought for you.

Your post is about as unhelpful as it gets.

The OP has ASD and is doing her best to explain how difficult she is finding it to cope with this friendship, and she is asking for advice and support.

She keeps pushing because you always give in.
You will have to learn to stop giving in to her.
Can you say why you feel the need to do this?

Sorry was I suppose to take cheap shots at someone I don’t know and completely empathise with the op?

Noted.

I agree with others this is all about boundaries - healthy boundaries.

I think you maybe learn to be a bit more assertive. It's clear you care about her and don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings but the more this continues, the more it will taint the way you feel about your friendship.

I would be inclined to speak to her very directly and say listen friend, I care a lot about you and there's something I need to tell you. It's hard for me to say this, but I'm saying it because I want to maintain this friendship. I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you to do certain things, the repeated messaging, the persistent asking even when I've already said no is starting to really make me feel disrespected by you. It's making me feel pressured and stressed and it's unfair. I need you to stop and listen when I say no to something the first time. If my circumstances change I will be the one to come to you and let you know please don't keep asking me. If you keep doing this it's going to affect our friendship because I need to know that my friends respect my boundaries.

Then you've made your line in the sand very clear. You've told her exactly where you stand (without being mean) and the next time she asks you something and you say no and she asks again you can go back to her and say, friend, we talked about this. Please stop asking me about this when I've already said no. It's disrespectful. Then you repeat this as many times as you need to until she gets the message. And to be honest op, the longer it takes her to stop, the more I'd be withdrawing from the friendship. A good true friend will a)value your honesty with them b) respect the boundaries you're setting and c) will want you to set healthy boundaries for your own wellbeing. If she is annoyed initially I can see that it might be her getting used to the new normal, but if it continues then op you know she's not a good friend and she values her own needs above yours.

This is awful and so unlike how a real friend would behave. She does not respect your boundaries at all. The first thing you should do is cancel the holiday with her & do not invite her to meals that should just be you and your dh. She is railroading you into spending time & money with her & on things you don't want to do. She is demanding & damaging. Don't let her affect your life & marriage like this. Please get rid of her!

You’re giving mixed messages by saying no and then saying yes.

That just tells her she needs to keep asking and you’ll change your mind.

That. And what a pp said. You don't waffle or explain. You just say 'no, I can't' or 'no, it's not possible'. Then follow that up with 'I said no' for as many times as needed.

As far as this night out is concerned, you can't go. You have too much on. And when she tries to persuade you, re-read my previous paragraph and act on it.

Send her this - ‘you know, when you have to ask well over 10 times it’s because the answer is no. Nobody is sleeping in our house that night apart from Dh and I. If you seriously think it’s ok to ask again I’m not going out at all. I’m busy and stressed and very time poor and I do not need to spend half my day repeating my No when your request would seriously inconvenience us.

Your OP is waffling - a lot of it for the same issue!

Seriously reduce your explanations-

If you don’t want to do something just say no. Ignore her messages.

Uf her family are worried about her spending, were the expensive holidays coming from? She must have serious debt somewhere and your property is being linked to her.
What if she’s opened accounts in your name?

She only needs to pick up a proof of address document to open an account.

She seems to be exploiting your vulnerabilities. Could you talk to your husband and come up with a plan to cut her off/out of your life? You don't owe her any explanation, and certainly not a bed for her and this strange man.
Cancel the holiday, book something with your husband. Send the parcels back. This friendship is not adding anything positive to your life.

I have a friend like this and I have to be really blunt with her - far more than I ever would be towards other friends. In fairness, she takes the bluntness really well, she's very difficult to offend so I can be brutally honest with her

If you want to remain friends with her you need to find your voice - people like this don't respond well to mixed messages, you need to say 'no, absolutely not - I won't change my mind so....'. If she asks why you tell her you don't want to, not because you're busy, or stressed, whatever...those things to her are fixable/negotiable, 'I don't want to' isn't.

It gets easier with practise, promise!

She is bound to bring this guy along on the holiday making it doubly awkward for you. She brings nothing to your life but takes a lot. Just phase her out.
And don't let her stay the night. Pick one sentence..that doesn't work for me ..and keep saying it. No explanation needed just that one sentence.

Unfortunately, “be kind” doesn’t work when someone has the hide of a rhino and the brass neck of a Victorian parlour lamp.

She doesn’t care about YOUR feelings. She doesn’t care that you’re uncomfortable. She doesn’t care that you said “no” 100 times. She doesn’t care that saying “no” makes you feel awkward. If she has now learned that asking 102 times gets you to say yes to something, she’ll ask 102 times forever. Don’t “hedge” your “no” with statements like, “I’m sorry, but” or “I wish I could, but.” In fact, do not ever use the word “but” with this “friend” ever, because to her that just means you have an obstacle and she just needs to push you hard enough to sort out the obstacle!

Just stop everything. No, you don’t want to give up your annual leave to vacation with her. No, you don’t want to go to this event - she’ll be fine going with her new man and without you. No, they can’t stay at your house. And no, you won’t be accepting packages for her anymore.

The “be kind” boat on this one sailed long ago. Perhaps ask your DH for some emotional support when giving her the final no, and if she gets ugly about it, blocking her. I’m sure he’d rather vacation with you as well (you said you’d rather be with him), than have you waste your annual leave.

Under no circumstances go on this holiday regardless. Can she take her new man instead ? After u have sorted that return any parcels that arrive and say you haven't received anything. Be much much clearer about your boundaries. Be kind to you!

Your boundaries are non-existent OP.

My friends can’t even get me to go for a meal if I don’t want, let alone a holiday.

I feel like I should advise you to just say no to her but that’s not working, so maybe time to end the friendhsip.

She's not your friend, she's a freeloading user. Block her, don't be bullied by her, and next time one of her parcels turns up mark it not known at this address and send it back.

Let me guess, you're her only friend. That's because everyone else has eradicated her like the poison she is.

You deserve better, get rid of her.

Refuse to accept any parcels, hand them back to the courier, send her one last message telling her to stop harassing you & you won't be going on the trip with her. Tell her any further communication will result in you involving the police. Then block her on all forms of communication, lock all your social media & block her. If she turns up at your home, ring the police to have her removed.

How can she afford holidays but not one night in a hotel near you?
Insist New Man takes your place on the holiday.
Apply PPs’ suggestions about the parcels.
Learn to be firm and blunt: “No.”
Fade her.

I am not often like this @OP but seriously I think you just have to say no and block the woman - she clearly cannot take a hint. Also - & this may be hard cancel the holiday given it is months in advance and tell her you have . Swallow any loss eg deposits . Parcels etc I would just refuse to take them and say not for you .

If I am honest I think this friendship has come to an end and I think if it were me I would just go with that. She is taking up too much of your time and energy . I know it isn't easy .

Tell her your broke due to the house sale falling through and can't go unless she can now pay for your holiday? And all the holidays she wants to go on for the rest of the year and any other days out.Then ask if you can borrow the spending money aswell for all of these events. She will run a mile 😆. I'm half joking but it's a shake because it will work. Just basicly say I can't come I have to much on and I'm buying a house so unless your paying for everything I'm gonna have to politely decline. That should do the trick

She nags you because you have a history of saying no then yes. People like this can’t hear kind words and hints. You have to be direct and say no. No excuses or reasons needed.

Cancel the night out and holiday. Send her parcels back with the courier and I agree with not telling her your new address or area.

I bet that she hasn’t got friends because of her awful behaviour. Block her and take control back. Friends don’t behave like this