Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

if you are afraid to tell your friends where you live, that is not a friendship.

This is exactly what I would do. In fact, I'd just cancel my ticket anyway, whether or not I got anything much back. Then I would just block her. Everywhere.

This woman is not a friend. She's trampling your boundaries as though they don't even exist. She's a bullying dickhead.

You need to learn to be MUCH more assertive to stop people like her treating you this way. When you say no you must mean it. No ifs or buts, and no need to always explain politely because some people just never take "no" for an answer. They don't pick up on hints or subtleties so you have to be blunt and not back down.

Set your boundaries. Cancel the holiday and get back whatever you can for it. Concentrate on the important people in your life and see if you and DH could go away together instead. Surely your marriage is more important than this demanding leech?

Well, certainly not for me. But I am not assertive in general. I spend an awful lot of time and mental energy worrying about things that could be resolved by saying no. I've gotten better recently, but still using excuses 😳

Actually got mixed up with another thread about friends inviting themselves to stay

This ‘friend’ you can actually just say no – it sounds like she cannot even grasp a flat out refusal, nuance is wasted on her

Yeah agree can definitely feel tricky. I think British politeness culture also has a lot to answer for! I’m sure Germans don’t struggle like this 😂

So true 😂

It's not about politeness but culture and language customs. English people tend to not 'say it as it is', it's considered the height of rudeness to be direct and to the point, especially in the south of England (less so in the North ime). Within German culture pretending and not being direct and forthright is seen as untrustworthy, 'saying it as it is' shows respect for others as you are being honest and interested enough to consider something honesty and contribute an opinion. It's also about being transparent, which is valued in Germany. Being polite requires different communication styles in England and Germany. I'd love to know how France, Italy, Spain, India and the US compare. Which other countries are more indirect like English people and which ones are more direct and to the point? It's really fascinating.

In India, you would allow your friend, her boyfriend and her entire family to move in with you for as long as they wanted, plus you would cook them three meals a day and pay for all their outings!😂

OMG, please dump and block her. She's a nutbag and knows you're a people pleaser/no boundaries, that she can walk all over. She's a predator and has been testing your boundaries all this time, the more you give in, the more aggressive and demanding she gets. I do think you need to do a lot of inner work on setting boundaries in general and trusting your instincts, not caving in to pressure. She isn't a friend - she's dangerous tbh - the type who will get vindictive if you say no, and i would be worried you've let someone like her into your life. Please watch your back, don't want to worry you, but you need your preservation instincts to kick in now.

For your sake, I hope you move soon (I wouldn't even be surprised if she sabotages your house sale sneakily) so you don't leave her. Don't share any details of your house move with her.

There's a great Danish film called Speak No Evil - a psychological horror from 2022 exactly about the culture where this Danish family are too polite to say no/cannot be assertive with a Dutch family. Does not end well...The writer/director said one of the key focuses was calling out the middle class culture of wanting to be seen as polite and not offending, and how pointless it is because predators abused it.

Agree with PP's. Friends need to understand eachother. I had a friend like this who i also met online. Wanted to go on very expensive holidays, she was very wealthy, I am more low key and was not working at the time.

She would constantly send me hotel details for the four seasons and expensive villas. At first she was lovely and we had such great times, but at the end of it after 2 years she was too materialistic for me and the friendship naturally ended. It's hard with new friends!

She is, at best, a fairweather friend. At worst a completely self absorbed CF. If you can't bring yourself to be more assertive with her maybe you need to get your husband to act as the "bad guy" and let her know her behaviour is bringing you down and you already have too much to cope with. As a friendship should never make you feel hounded

When I first met my Polish friends, I was horrified by their bluntness. I was just not used to people being so forthright. It became a joke quickly enough and tbh did me a lot of good 😊

Parcels - can you make your safe space inaccessible? If not, take the parcels in, when she comes to collect them they won't be there, and don't answer the door (if she asks, say you were in bed, or out' tell her she can get it at the weekend. If you make it inconvenient for her, and she has to wait a few days for her parcel she will maybe think twice?

Holiday - tell her you can't go! You can either say you really don't want to, or you could tell a little fib, tell her work have declined your holiday request, or something has come up with your move and you have to be there. Suggest she takes her new man with her?

Night out - two options here, again, say you can't make it/don't want to go, give her a vague excuse. OR, on the morning of text her and tell her you've come down with a sickness big so won't be going out.

She sounds like such hard work OP, big you deserve to live your life how you see fit, and not at the mercy of someone who can't take no for an answer.

It's kinda your fault a little bit. You say no, then agree?! You have to stop this. Say no thanks then ignore repeated requests. Mute her messages etc. Tell her no more packages, because it's annoying you now. You have to say no and stick to it. I would never go out drinking late, when I have work the next day, what are you thinking?! Just message back saying, I've changed my mind. It's not a good idea for us to go out late when we have work thr next day, sorry." You will feel so much better for sending it. Mute her messages for a couple of days. Update us.

So she took advantage of you at a really difficult and vulnerable time in your life and since then has bullied and isolated you.

As everyone is saying, cancel the holiday, send a last message telling her that you are no longer available to go and then block her.

She seems a bit obsessed with you I can't believe she expected you to ask her to tag along on a holiday with your husband. There may be no new man if you let her stay the night she might have turned up on her own. I would of expected her to have less time messaging and mithering you if she was in a new relationship.

This isn’t a friendship. This is a bizarre dom/sub situation where you are simply allowing yourself to be totally used.

You have been mesmerised into obeying her so it will feel uncomfortable to make a change but you just have to find your anger and keep saying no.

This person doesn’t actually care about you. You’re just being utilised. It’s gross to read. Good luck.

Do not go on this holiday OP.

She doesn’t respect your boundaries.

You need to be tough with people like this. Yes that means “upsetting” them. She’s a professional victim sucking the life out of you.

”Friend, I have said no. If you don’t accept that and keep asking I will have to block you.”

And then actually do it.

A note for the delivery guys “insert name does not live here and is not known to us, please do not leave their packages”

This is great! But I’d end the friendship at the end of it for good rather than keeping it open.

She sounds like potential problem when and if you decide to extricate yourself. Do it slowly but deliberately. Don’t tell her what your plans are . Be vague and delay responses to messages. Don’t like the sound of her at all.

@brownbreadd

She 'doesn't like them' so has isolated you from your other friends? If this were a romantic relationship she would be considered abusive and controlling. Wait..no 'ifs' about it. She is controlling, if not abusive. The fact that she was 'there for you' during a difficult time in your life doesn't entitle her to smother you, make demands on your time and money, or that she be your only friend.

This is an unhealthy relationship and you really need to end it. She isn't going to change and to try and change the dynamics will only cause her to 'double down' on her attempts to control you.

Cancel the holiday and dump the event, even if you lose the money. It will be small price to pay to rid yourself of this parasite. If packages come to your home, return them to sender.

Text her "This friendship is not making me happy and no longer works for me and so I am ending it. Please do not contact me again" and block her. Don't try to fix her or the friendship. Don't attempt to explain what she's doing that is upsetting to you (she'll guilt you and DARVO). Just be done with it. Then get back in touch with your true friends and rebuilt those healthy friendships.

You are entitled to be happy and at peace. Real friends add to that, they don't take away from it.

Don't go on the night out.
Suggest that maybe she would rather take the new bf on the holiday instead... that the dates are difficult with new job and can no longer afford because of the house falling through and if he's up for it can you all arrange to sort out the money etc.
Tell her that you can no longer work from home as often so can't reliably accept packages so please can she get them delivered somewhere else.

I have ASD too and I know how confusing it can be to end up in these completely bizarre situations and wonder how much of it is just your own perceptions and actions being out of sync of what is "normal". It can be really isolating, especially in the context you've described which initially sounded positive, as you'd made a new friend who you had lots in common with.

To me, "boundaries" can just seem like a lazy buzzword, especially when you have quite clearly been laying them down here. You've been very clear with her and it's still not good enough, which I imagine leaves you feeling less than respected.

I hope I'm not projecting too much but would like to say that I don't think anyone here would look at this situation and think that you're being unreasonable. You have an awful lot going on that you're trying to have a decent stab at. You'll likely have to end up behaving in a way that you think is cruel as nothing else has worked, but I guess the concern is her reaction :/ who on earth could predict how she will behave hearing something she doesn't want to hear.

When I first met my Polish friends, I was horrified by their bluntness. I was just not used to people being so forthright. It became a joke quickly enough and tbh did me a lot of good 😊

I sell on Etsy and can always tell an international customer from a Brit - they are definitely more forthright, don't pad out messages with niceties...almost rude tbh

A lot of Brits start with 'I'm so sorry to bother you but....'