Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

😂😂😂

But would you write on mumsnet about it? 😄

Except that's not what you do first of all and that's not what people are suggesting.
This is used when you've already said no, more than once, politely and explaining your reasons but they have refused to accept that.

that's when you deploy the no. The, I've said no. The please stop asking me.

When you've been pestered about something you've already said sorry I can't to.

I was a massive people pleaser for many years.
It brings you no pleasure and nobody likes or respects you for being a total wet wipe.

Learning to say no and hold it when faced with a tantrum is an essential life skill.

I’m exhausted just reading that tbh!
This woman is not your friend, she’s told you she’s got no other friends and this on its own would be a red flag esp if she still lives in her home town.
You need to be v explicit and tell her no longer to use your house as a parcel depot, you’re not interested in going clubbing and she can go away w her new partner. Cut your losses re the holiday.
I’ve got quite a few friends and I’ve never behaved like this and vice versa. It would freak me out completely - even v intense teen friendships weren’t like this.

‘No.’
’No.’
’I said no.’
’No.’
’If you ask again, I’ll have to block you.’
Block.
Move on.
Done.

I just want to directly address this too. A similar thing happened to my young adult DC and no good came of it. The isolation from other friends is a massive red flag, he’s still picking up the pieces now (as am I).

Oh OP just reading your post was making me anxious as your friend is just too much ,totally overbearing and self centred.
I can relate as I suffer from anxiety too but I would rather not have friends than someone who pushed my boundaries constantly .
If you are an introvert like me ,we don’t like to over commit and value our downtime to recharge. She doesn’t seem to understand that. You need to be much much firmer if you want to stay sane but do you really want a friend like her ? You sound lovely ,she does not.

The OP has ASD and was clearly distressed by what's going on.

Perhaps you could have taken note of that before posting, eh?

The fact that she helped you through a rough patch before doesn't mean you have to give her free reign to take the piss, OP!

You need to learn the standard Mumsnet retort - 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me' or, even better, just NO!

You are allowing yourself to be bullied into doing things you don't want to do. Good friends don't bombard you with pushy requests until they get their way.

If I were you, I'd message her tonight and just say something like 'Look, I've already told you I am working and we have a viewing booked in. It's not convenient and I really don't want someone I don't even know staying in my home, especially when I'm not there. Please don't ask again, I won't be changing my mind.'

If she continues to message then turn your phone off.

This is only going to get worse if you don't start putting your foot down.

To be fair to them, there was no messing. They said what they wanted to say. Which was a revelation/education for me. There's a lot to be said for being direct 😀

Absolutely this. Move and don't tell her where

She's a leech and she really IS taking the piss.

Your H will support you in this.

I don't think I would either. Just tell her you're not going and she can transfer the place to someone else

It doesn’t sound like a true friendship. I assume she knows about your anxiety?

She has learnt that by hounding you you will relent so standing firm is your best bet & utilise the mute function on WhatsApp. You can choose when you spend time on those messages.

Next time she messages some holiday or day out I would say ‘Hey X, sorry for not being clear in the past. With the move and new job, I’m not able to commit to anything at the moment. My anxiety is quite high & it’s important I focus on feeling better. I hope you still go on adventures & tell me all about it when you get back but sadly they can’t be with me x’

‘I don’t have a lot of annual leave and so DH and I have agreed that we will prioritise travelling with each other.’

‘Ah sounds great but I have plans.’

‘Sorry, really not my thing. Enjoy though!’

‘One of my neighbours has had some parcels stolen from their safe place! Better get yours delivered to your house from now on.’

And repeat.

I would absolutely drop out of the holiday tell her that it was because of her poor boundaries and break up with her. Her behaviour is really abnormal, and I don't know anybody who would be okay with it.

And I'd put a LARGE notice on my porch that you are NOT accepting deliveries for <first name last name of friend> who does not live at this address.

I cannot bear being railroaded and have ended friendships because of this type of ‘hounding’.

I cannot bear it. You do not need this. Just drop the rope.
Get out of the holiday.
Walk away.

Imagine this friend was a boyfriend…..would you put up with it? I hope not, friends don’t pester you non stop. She sounds like a bully, block her, move and don’t tell her.

You could say ‘I’m going through something right now and am unable to go on holidays anymore. Apologies. I also need a bit of space please, thank you for understanding’

If she was any kind of friend she would back off. But she won’t.

You need to rock the boat, and get your life back. Good luck.

End the friendship. She is a user; you are an enabler. She adds nothing to your life but headache after headache. Next time she tries to "book" you, text back No. If she texts again, say you will block her if she continues. As for her packages, to do this without your permission is just unimaginable. Tell her you won't be responsible for her packages and don't want them sent to you. If she still continues, bin them. She'll get the message the hard way. I have to ask, how old is this friend?

Be prepared for her to go all out to reel you back in, once you have set out your boundaries. You know that she won't accept them and she will react badly...if you are ready for this it will be easier to cope. She will argue and argue & if that gets her nowhere expect a hurt filled tirade. Or a medical emergency or mental health crisis that you 'caused'.

It will be easier to deal with her by email or text rather than talking to her, this reduces the risk of being sucked in.

Friendships run their course sometimes. She sounds very intense. I do agree with others that you’ve given slightly mixed messages. Though I also think most people would realise it would make someone uncomfortable to hound and hassle and cajole them into doing something they’ve already said no to doing a few times.

You have two choices as far as I can see. 1. End the friendship (you may decide to this before or after the holiday. On the one hand you don’t want to go, she kind of bullied you into it and it might feel a bit disingenuous to go knowing that you were due to end the friendship when you got back. On the other hand, bullied or not, you did agree to go and she will be looking forward to it). 2. Give the friendship a last chance but you are going to have to be far more blunt. She texts asking about booking this or that. You reply “no thanks” (don’t give a reason. You can just say no thanks. If you give a reason people will often try to find ways round your reason to persuade you). She sends more messages hounding you. You just keep replying with “I really don’t want to” and “I’ve already said no” and even “please stop asking now, I’ve given you my answer. It is still no and I am not going to change my mind”. Then stop replying. Even block temporarily if she continues. Likewise with the parcels: “I don’t want these being delivered here anymore. This isn’t a service I am comfortable providing. Please have them delivered somewhere else from now on”. And as for the night out, pah. I’d cancel it. She can go with her fella. And again “we don’t want overnight guests. Unfortunately I am now not going to be able to make this event”. If she persists, it’s flat “no. I can no longer make it and we are unable to host guests”.

She may decide to end the friendship anyway once she stops getting what she wants from you. So either end it now yourself and move on, or give it a last chance but on your terms. If that doesn’t work, then send a message saying “this friendship seems to have run its course. I am not comfortable being badgered and cajoled into things I have said many times I don’t want to do. It’s making me anxious. I don’t need it. I wish you well, but it’s goodbye from me”.

Every word of this!

She sounds obsessive.

I wouldn't be going on that night out. It sounds awful and disruptive from your pov.
Start there.

"I'm sorry but it doesn't fit in with work. And we have viewings the next day so we can't have guests. "

That's it. Just say it.

She has the hide of a rhino.

It will be SUCH A RELIEF.

Next simple "No thanks" to all the holiday nonsense. Honestly, take control.

I would say " I can't go on this holiday. Does new man want my place/ticket ?"
That's it.

Lastly , " sorry there's been problems. We can't take parcels here anymore."

OP Take your life back.

Tell her you can't go on the holiday with her anymore. Work have said you can't have the time off after all. Suggest she takes her new boyfriend instead. Even if you lose the cost of it, just tell her now that you can no longer go. Gives her time to invite someone else or cancel.

Do the same for the night out too.

Then TELL HER very directly how you feel. That you're overwhelmed by all the messages and so so many demands on your time.

Stop replying to her so often too. If you usually reply quite promptly, don't. Reply once every 24 hours tops. The less you converse the less she can wear you down!!

You sound very passive and she sounds relentless.

Definitely don't tell her your new address.

Remember

She STEAMROLLS you.
She has the hide of a Rhino.

Your OP is full of " I told her gently..."

" I tried to politely tell her ..."

IT's not working OP. You have literally trained her that if she pushes hard enough she'll get her way.

You have to be very FIRM, CLEAR and DIRECT.

Stop feeling guilty. This woman doesn't care a jot about your feelings.