Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

I've had two of these people in my life (not at the same time, thank goodness!) & OP, you need her out of yours & it will take some resolve on your part, because she won't give up easily. But your life will be so much easier without her in it, so it's worth steeling yourself to make the decision & stick to it.

The fact that she was there for you at the start means nothing now. You've more than paid her back for that, & she's just draining you & demanding more & more. You owe her nothing. She's used you far more than you've used her. She may have behaved nicely in the beginning & seemed like a good friend, but she isn't a good friend. Good friends don't harass people, ignore their wishes & make outrageous demands.

When your anger at how she's treating you gives you the oomph to get rid of her, do it & don't look back. Don't let her in again, once you've cut all ties with her. She will probably try to get in touch with you in odd ways, once you block her on all current channels. She may use someone else's phone to call you, or contact mutual friends (or perhaps your husband) saying she's concerned about you - this is all BS, she just wants to get her claws into you again & carry on from where she left off. You are entitled to ignore her & counter any tactics she may try to use. She'll get the message & find someone else if you remain firm & out of reach.

In practical terms, I'd forget about the holiday. Write it off & don't agree to do anything else with her. Not sure how you stop her sending parcels to your house, though putting up a sign saying you won't accept any parcels for CF & they are not to be left there would be a good start, as other people have suggested.

Good luck with it.

"Please stop sending me holidays and events. I am not interested nor am I able to guarantee my availability for these at this busy period in my life, and it's growing increasingly frustrating receiving texts from you about this. It feels like unnecessary bombardment. Any further messages about holidays will go ignored. I hope you will respect this decision and my boundaries." Is something I would send to stop the travel stuff.

Regarding using you like a hotel, just say no. Any friendship that can't survive "no" is not survivable at all.

Sorry to post again but I forgot a question Op. Why do you think she has no one else to do things with, why are you her only friend? The answer is because she tries to take over people's lives and they have dropped her when she becomes too much for them. You're the only one whose let her get away with it

Tell her now she's got a BF to go to the event with you aren't going to go, you didn't really want to and were only going to keep her company. And would the BF like to take your place on the holiday as it's now really inconvenient.

There may be some sort of scam involved in the parcel deliveries, tell her she can't do it any more. If she's using your address you may also get involved in her credit score or her in yours. Staying over just say your DH says definitely NO as well as it being extremely inconvenient. Put your foot down before you get more entangled.

Tbh I couldn't read it all.

This is not a friendship.

If you've not had the holiday. Cancel. She can take her new man. Whatever the cost is the price of your freedom.

Cancel the night out and learn to stick up for yourself and stop being such a pushover.

True friends don't bully others.

That sums it up nicely tbh!

@brownbreadd I got through three paragraphs & couldn’t take any more.

IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S HER!

From what little I have read, she’s browbeating & bullying you into stuff.
You are useful to her as long as she gets her way.
Enough.

… & breathe, Auntie, breathe.

Now I’ll read the rest.

Baby Reindeer

Block and move on.

Alarm bells all over this. You’re her only friend which is never a good position to be in. She is trampling over every boundary you’re trying to set. She a toxic cheeky fucker. I should know; I’ve been stuck with many in the past. Just slowly back away x

I don't think it is fair to berate the OP for not asserting herself on this. Other posters may be fortunate enough not to have been brought up as a people pleaser or suffer from anxiety - if you are then it can feel extremely scary to have to assert your boundaries for the first time.

Obviously the right thing to do is to say no and stick to it; but the reality is the OP finds that hard at the moment. That is why I advocate making it easier for herself by cutting off this woman entirely, and not being in a position of having to engage with her so that she can try to talk the OP around.

Perhaps one more text or email to say that she will not be going on the holiday or evening out, she will not be having her & her BF to stay, and to send no more parcels to her address. The OP can say that she needs to take a break from her (and can then make the break permanent).

Don't give her your new address

@brownbreadd

There's a real reason or reasons why your extremely unreasonable needy and demanding friend is lonely in her life
and its not rocket science to work that one out, !
I don't need to have done a degree in Human psychology,

She really plays on your good nature to your detriment,

Your Consideration of her feelings is very much misplaced, !

As its all me me me with her isn't it..!

Yes one time probably some time ago She was a good friend to you when you were having crap 💩 experience from another dud friend too,

However you need to address the here and now this type of friendship has changed drastically ,
So act accordingly to how she is treating you nowadays,

I think OP that you feel some sense of duty towards her because she helped you at a low point in your life, she senses that and has used it to manipulate you so that you feel unable to say no to her.

Do what @LookItsMeAgain has said.
If she pushes on your boundaries again after those really clear messages you really need to walk away from this friendship.

Friends respect boundaries.
If you came on here and wrote that about a boyfriend we would all tell you to finish it.

She's not your friend at all, she's just a self-obsessed sponger. Tell her NO to coming over with her new squeeze, NO to holidays, NO to nights out etc. then block her number, delete/block on social media and so on and NO to her turning up on your doorstep.

She sounds like a stalker to me.

Op your ‘friend’ has seen that if she wants you to do something, it doesn’t matter if you say no initially, she just needs to wheedle and badger you until you can’t take it any more at which point you capitulate and do exactly what she wants you to.

if she was a true friend, once you had said no to something, she wouldn’t ask again, she’d say ok, that’s a shame and not mention it again.

it doesn’t matter if she is ND or not - she doesn’t care what you think or want, she knows what she wants and is prepared to pester you repeatedly for a long time, because she knows it works, regardless of what you want. She knows what she wants and is prepared to make you miserable in order to achieve her happiness.

If the event that she badgered you into going to is one that you can easily sell or transfer your ticket, especially if she could sell it to Her new bf, then that would be a good start, along with telling her that you are not going because you have a big day at work the next day that you need to prepare for which is also why you can’t host her or her bf.

I wonder if the reason she was so insistent about getting you to go to the event with her was so that she could use you as somewhere to stay so she didn’t have to spend on a hotel?

Next time she tries to get you to plan something a long time in advance, tell her that you know she likes to make plans for the full year ahead to keep her happy but that you are very different and this makes you very stressed and unhappy - so you need to not make any plans and if she disrespects you by asking you to do this then you will need to block her for your wellbeing.

just remember that every time you say no to something she asks you to do but then eventually change your mind and say yes to shut her up, what you are actually doing is teaching her that she needs to keep at you and you end up doing what she wants. Break this cycle by saying no and sticking to it. If you can get out of existing commitments by saying no, it’s worth it.

good luck!

Far too long to read- it’s like an A level essay-
but @brownbreadd you definitely need to do an assertiveness course.

” No is a complete sentence”

No need to explain- just a simple “No.”

”No that’s not possible for you and your new man to stay over”.

You have no boundaries. You are sounding like a wet paper towel. Learn to say no, properly.

You don’t want to attend the event? Say no.
You don’t want her sending parcels to your house? Tell her she can’t do that anymore, and to get them sent to a local locker or pick up stop.
You didn’t want to go on holiday with her? You should have said no.

She does sound odd, and the part about them wanting to spend a night together in your house is weird. She is an adult, she should get her own place.

About the night out, next time she raises it, tell her:

"look, sorry to sound short but I've already said no repeatedly and tbh I'm fed of having to repeat my self over and over. At this point I'm now stepping back from the night out altogether as what should have been fun and something to look forward to has just become too stressful. Have fun, enjoy yourself, and text me afterwards if you still want to make plans in the future. All I ask is that from now on, when I say no, you take it at face value as thisnis just getting to be too much."

People blithely saying 'just' say no' is bothering me because it's really not that easy for everyone. But your suggestion of an assertiveness course is a good one. I don't know if they're widely available (?) but it really sounds like OP would benefit from something like that.

I could not get through the long post.

But I do have a question for you. If this was a boyfriend, a romantic relationship, a friend was in, what would you advise?

My guess is, you would say dump her.

That's my advice to you. Tell her you don't want this kind of relationship anymore. You don't need to go into details. She is bullying, pushy and she knows how to manipulate you.

Yes, do an assertiveness course, or read an assertiveness book.

Limit your conversation to a text or email, prepare it in advance. Just say it is not working for you anymore.

Agree with BirthdayRainbow

"Tbh I couldn't read it all.

This is not a friendship.

If you've not had the holiday. Cancel. She can take her new man. Whatever the cost is the price of your freedom.

Cancel the night out and learn to stick up for yourself and stop being such a pushover.

True friends don't bully others."

brownbreadd

"I'm in half a mind not to tell her where we move to, if and when we do, because I will undoubtedly get more deliveries for her there!"

"Very good idea." angela1952 I agree.

Make it 100% clear, just say, I have already said that you cannot stay over, that won't be changing.

Regarding the parcels, tell her that it has to stop due to the house sale, and that you will be putting up a sign that refuses delivery of anything addressed to her.

She clearly has huge problems with boundaries. Tell her that you will not respond to any messages about holidays. Tell her that if she keeps on you will stop checking any messages from her.

Tell her that the friendship will be over unless she steps back and stops badgering you all the time

It’s also not remotely how people communicate in real life

“We were thinking it’d be nice to visit for a few days”

”No”

”OK then…”