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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this a bit rude from relative

62 replies

Tresfren45 · 18/05/2024 18:29

Cousin is pregnant with a baby boy. Her first child.

We were close as children but no longer so, plus she lives 4 hours away. But she speaks regularly to my nan. (Her mum, my aunt, sadly passed away 15 years ago)

Although we're not in contact much these days, I wanted to prepare her some things for the baby. My own DS is two now and still got lots of his old clothes in great condition. I texted to see how she was and ask her what kind of clothes she needed most and she was happy to take anything. I also offered her our UV steriliser which was top of the range when we bought it although been out of use for a while.

I filled a bin liner full of clothes which my nan helped me press and fold. Lots of nice things in there. My nan also knitted some blankets and cardigans.

Another relative took all the items to her last week and a FB post appeared thanking my nan for the knitted items. She also told my nan she really liked the things I sent but I didn't hear anything further. I wasn't expecting a FB post (I don't use FB) or any great fanfare but a quick text might have been nice.

We dug out the UV steriliser from garage ready to send on at a later date but it turns out it's broken and no longer safe to use so I text her to ask how she was and let her know that the steriliser isn't safe etc. She didn't mention anything about receiving the clothes and just said 'no worries' about steriliser. Didn't ask me how I was and the whole exchange left me feeling a bit down.

Maybe IABU to expect the basic courtesy of a quick thank you text. It was just the fact that there was zero acknowledgement (but she did acknowledge what my nan sent) feels a bit crappy. Maybe I thought us both having kids now would be a chance to get a bit closer again and be there for eachother more but she clearly doesn't see it that way.

The only time she met my DS last year at a family gathering she spent the whole time talking about her plans to have a baby (she wasn't even pregnant at the time). It was all about her and I suppose she's quite self absorbed really so I shouldn't have expected anything.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 19/05/2024 08:00

Perhaps she wants all new stuff for her first baby, I know I did.

Sparticle · 19/05/2024 08:01

Yes I think that's quite rude not to even acknowledge all the clothes.

albertoross · 19/05/2024 08:05

One thing it's important to remember with this is that to you those baby clothes hold memories, they are important. But to her they are just old clothes. They hold little value, yes they've stopped her having to buy new but really she might feel like you were going to get rid of them anway. Also she may hate what you've sent her and now been left to go through a bag of clothes and have to get rid of lots.

But yes she should have sent a quick text of thanks.

Roundroundthegarden · 19/05/2024 08:06

I recently gave a friend some of my ds winter jackets. He usually gets 4/5 of them so they are in great condition. I honestly didn't expect a thanks because I felt it wasn't new. I was happy to get rid of them and she was getting second hand stuff. I mean your stuff is at least 2 years old.
But she could have said something given your effort of ironing them and packaging neatly.

albertoross · 19/05/2024 08:07

She also told my nan she really liked the things I sent but I didn't hear anything further.

I think she was expecting nan to pass this on as the thanks

albertoross · 19/05/2024 08:08

Maybe text her and say hope you got the clothes OK and confirm you aren't expecting them back and won't be offended if she passes them on/recycles when done

2dogsandabudgie · 19/05/2024 08:09

Yes she is rude, a quick text thanking you is just basic manners.

GeckoFeet · 19/05/2024 08:12

She probs would have got bags of clothes from lots of people having clear outs. It would have been very easy for her to not realise the effort and meaning you put into the clothes. You clearly want to reconnect with her and I don't think you've done anything to communicate that to her. I don't think you should chase that though. You live quite far from eachother so there's a very real limit on how close you can be.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 19/05/2024 08:14

DustyLee123 · 19/05/2024 08:00

Perhaps she wants all new stuff for her first baby, I know I did.

But I think the OP did offer them before sending them to her, an offer which the cousin had indicated she was happy to accept. And even if you did only want new for your own child but had clothes foisted upon you, a decent human says 'Thank you so much!', before taking them to a charity shop or children's clothing charity.

Ponoka7 · 19/05/2024 08:15

Dud she say that she wanted the things straight off, or were they pushed onto her? I can't imagine wanting a used steriliser that's been keot in a garage for a first baby tbh. I think that she doesn't want to restart contact with you and expected your Nan to pass on her thanks.

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 19/05/2024 08:18

I filled a bin liner full of clothes I think I'd find this overwhelming, if she doesn't want them all she now has a job to dispose of them.

So maybe she doesn't want to encourage you to send more?

Did she know in advance how much you were sending?

Also she thanked you via your gran.

Lucy377 · 19/05/2024 08:20

I guess another way to see it is she didn't ask you for clothes.

You thought it was a good idea.
You wanted to give her the clothes.
She had nothing to do with that plan.

When you were a few months pregnant did you welcome clothes donations?

With my first baby I was afraid to even buy clothes before they were born.

You are only thinking of your emotions and how good you felt to give her clothes.

You never even asked her if she wanted them or when would it suit her to receive them.

You are presuming you know what she is thinking.

And if she doesn't act in the way you had planned it in your head, then she's bad or wrong.

Sending someone a bag of clothes via your Nan is not 'relating'. You didn't even text her to ask her if she wanted clothes.

SnowFairy2000 · 19/05/2024 08:22

"Bin liner"......

Coconutdreamer · 19/05/2024 08:30

It says in the OP: I texted to see how she was and ask her what kind of clothes she needed most and she was happy to take anything.

You offered, she said she was happy to take anything. Of course she will need to look through everything and pass on anything she’s not keen on. That’s the deal with accepting a bulk amount of clothing - you need to sort through it. She’s rude for not saying a simple thanks, and as she has your mobile it is unnecessary to go through a third person.

I would not offer any further baby & toddler items to anyone who can’t be bothered to say thanks, so beware before you start clearing out toys and more clothing etc. I’ve been there with a friend who has a child a year younger than mine and after several occasions when she took many items (saw photos first and said what she would like) and never said thanks, the Baby Bank and charity shop now get everything.

Nooneknows99 · 19/05/2024 08:34

Of course she was extremely rude not to thank you. I despair how selfish and bad mannered some people are and amazed that so many think it’s acceptable to behave thus.

Owl9to5 · 19/05/2024 08:36

I felt a annoyed when people gave me second hand stuff. It was precious to them. Not to me. I wanted to pick out my own stuff, but now I had to be grateful.

This was 21 years ago!

@Tresfren45 your cousin who lost her mum is having a baby. Be there for her
Don't put her in the position of having to be grateful for something she didn't ask for. I'd ring her up, don't mention clothes, or things, ask her how she feels about x, y, z

Fishcake18 · 19/05/2024 08:40

I've found all the answers and different opinions on here really helpful..just goes to be show there is no normal and every teen, and the messages they get at home, will be different! Also that as kids of millennials, X'ers, etc seem to have a lot more options open to them than we did! It just seemed standard/expected when I was young I think.. 🙁

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2024 08:41

I was never a great fan of being given bin bags full of other people’s baby clothes when I was pregnant. We lived in a small flat and had absolutely nowhere to store anything. I probably would have sent a text directly to thank her though.

Maybe I thought us both having kids now would be a chance to get a bit closer again and be there for eachother more but she clearly doesn't see it that way.

If you do genuinely want to become closer again-I’d invite her round for lunch or something. That’s probably going to be more effective at building bridges than a bag of clothes. I presume your joint nan lives close-could she come, too?

LadyKenya · 19/05/2024 08:47

The OP asked the cousin, if she wanted the clothes. If she did not, a quick, no thanks I am sorted for clothes at the moment, is all she had to say. It is simple, and would not offend.

dragonscannotswim · 19/05/2024 08:50

DustyLee123 · 19/05/2024 08:00

Perhaps she wants all new stuff for her first baby, I know I did.

Did you miss the bit where OP said her cousin was happy to take anything she wanted to pass on??

Just because you wanted new stuff for your baby doesn't mean everyone else does.

Op - your cousin was rude and thoughtless not to thank you.

junebirthdaygirl · 19/05/2024 08:52

When my friend sent me a bag of second hand clothes for my first baby over 30 years ago l cried. I thought l am not putting my brand new baby in those clothes. I actually have no problem with second hand clothes..swap with my sisters/ go to charity shops ..but for a new long awaited baby l wanted soft and fresh and new. Sometimes it's better to give toddler stuff as when they start to crawl fresh and new goes out the window.

Cbljgdpk · 19/05/2024 08:55

It was rude although perhaps she thought you just wanted to get rid of things which is sometimes how I thought of it when people gave me bags of baby clothes and her taste is not necessarily the same as yours. I also think your feelings come from hoping this might bring you closer together which is hasn’t

Octavia64 · 19/05/2024 08:58

She sent thanks through her nan,

She put on Facebook about the knitted stuff because it was handmade by her nan and that's a lot of effort.

I know when I was pregnant my in laws brought round bags and bags of old toys.

I knew I was expected to be grateful for them and so we said thank you but honestly I was overwhelmed with how much stuff there was, and my pregnancy was very difficult and I worried about my children surviving it.

If you want to reconnect then reconnect. Sending stuff isn't always a good way of reconnecting.

LadyEloise1 · 19/05/2024 08:59

2dogsandabudgie · 19/05/2024 08:09

Yes she is rude, a quick text thanking you is just basic manners.

I'm so fed up of people lacking manners nowadays.
I blame the parents.
They just weren't taught them

Mozzarellaballs · 19/05/2024 09:05

Maybe she was being polite saying she wanted the clothes when really she didn't and she isn't sounding so enthusiastic so that you don't give any again. I had a cousin that offered me clothes and I was weak and accepted them but I would never put my new baby in someone elses dribbled on used clothes because I am quite weird with sharing stuff, each to their own though but she said to me she wouldn't put her baby in second hand clothes and also handed me clothes from her friend's baby too. Eventually she would not stop offering and even when I said no thankyou she still kept asking it was soo annoying!! Anyway that's my take on it

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