To find this a bit rude from relative

[Tresfren45]

Cousin is pregnant with a baby boy. Her first child.

We were close as children but no longer so, plus she lives 4 hours away. But she speaks regularly to my nan. (Her mum, my aunt, sadly passed away 15 years ago)

Although we're not in contact much these days, I wanted to prepare her some things for the baby. My own DS is two now and still got lots of his old clothes in great condition. I texted to see how she was and ask her what kind of clothes she needed most and she was happy to take anything. I also offered her our UV steriliser which was top of the range when we bought it although been out of use for a while.

I filled a bin liner full of clothes which my nan helped me press and fold. Lots of nice things in there. My nan also knitted some blankets and cardigans.

Another relative took all the items to her last week and a FB post appeared thanking my nan for the knitted items. She also told my nan she really liked the things I sent but I didn't hear anything further. I wasn't expecting a FB post (I don't use FB) or any great fanfare but a quick text might have been nice.

We dug out the UV steriliser from garage ready to send on at a later date but it turns out it's broken and no longer safe to use so I text her to ask how she was and let her know that the steriliser isn't safe etc. She didn't mention anything about receiving the clothes and just said 'no worries' about steriliser. Didn't ask me how I was and the whole exchange left me feeling a bit down.

Maybe IABU to expect the basic courtesy of a quick thank you text. It was just the fact that there was zero acknowledgement (but she did acknowledge what my nan sent) feels a bit crappy. Maybe I thought us both having kids now would be a chance to get a bit closer again and be there for eachother more but she clearly doesn't see it that way.

The only time she met my DS last year at a family gathering she spent the whole time talking about her plans to have a baby (she wasn't even pregnant at the time). It was all about her and I suppose she's quite self absorbed really so I shouldn't have expected anything.

She’s probably overwhelmed. I remember when relatives used to send my daughter a lot of things for Xmas in one big parcel and I was too stressed and tired at the time to work out who sent what and thank people individually. I now realize that expecting people to say thank you and show their appreciation is just giving them an extra job. It’s all very well to say it’s not much to ask but for some people it is. Now I just assume that people are grateful for gifts or whatever I give them and don’t judge them when I don’t get a thanks.

I hope you asked her first if she wanted them!

I hated it when people used to bring bin bags full of baby stuff around without asking me. It gave me a job to do and I resented having to thank you for something I didn't ask for or want

I agree it was rude of her not to text to say thanks, but perhaps she did expect your nan to pass that along.

This stood out to me:

Maybe I thought us both having kids now would be a chance to get a bit closer again and be there for eachother more but she clearly doesn't see it that way.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but is this a boundaries thing? Maybe she very much doesn't want to reconnect, for whatever reason. She should've said no thanks to the baby stuff in that case though!

"and she thanked you via your gran"

Nah, that isn't a thank you. We aren't living in Victorian times with no phones. A quick text costs nothing

She was rude and now you have no need to bother anymore.

She said she was happy to take them, and, yes, a ‘thank you’ would be nice!

Someone who doesn’t have the basic manners to text “ thanks for the clothes” isn’t worth bothering with any further.

Some rude MNers on this thread!

Regardless of what she said to your nan, she should have thanked you personally. I wouldn’t bother again!

There is giving with heart, and there is giving with an eye on a return

”I promised an essential costly bit of kit and binbag full of second-hand clothes in the expectation of public, or at least enthusiastic private, thanks, and the future promise of the use of their child for playdates for mine

The costly bit of kit was broken, she thanked me for the clothes via our gran and doesn’t seem to understand she is supposed to now engage with me re making cosy cousin relationship

The selfish bitch must never think of anyone but herself”

God preserve us poor charity cases from those who do good primarily for the look of the thing

And to put us on the back foot to agree in future to how you want things to be in eternal gratitude

Because if the above is not what you intended then why are you at all annoyed?

You offered A+B, delivered B, received thanks, albeit via granny (but your shared granny) and her baby isn’t currently old enough for playdates as such

Just what I was going to say.

No excuse not to say thank you.

Just to clarify, I asked her before I sent anything what she wanted and she was free to specify or refuse. My nan had mentioned money is very tight for her so I don't think she has money to buy stacks of new things. I made sure I took out anything that wasn't in good condition, lots of the items were worn once or twice.

We were texting directly to arrange the clothes thing so don't see why a quick text bk would have been difficult.

What’s that got to do with having basic manners?!

She didn't thank me via our nan, she commented that she liked the stuff etc but no mention of thanks

That's a bit pedantic I think.

A quick text would have been nice.

She should still have said thank you - and she'd agreed to have the clothes

Very poor manners, I agree. I wouldn't send her anything else, ever.

Well—if it was rude what will you do about it?

That’s really the question.

The reality is she lives 4 hours away—which in Britain is like 1000 miles anywhere else—in straightened circs, and the children will be pretty different in age.

A closer relationship is not going to just happen.

A text to say thanks would have been nice but it seems to me she possibly didn't really want the stuff but maybe felt it was a bit awkward to say no. It sounds like youve maybe put more importance on this than she has, you've said yourself you aren't close and live hours apart so it doesn't really sound like you have much of a relationship. To you you put a lot of effort in and hoped to rekindle a relationship but to her your a random relative who's given her a bag of old stuff.

So you gave the things to help her out and because you thought she needed them you offered

And because she accepted you gave in generosity

That’s a nice thing a good person would do

Yes it is nice to receive thanks, it may be polite and the social norm

But not getting a direct thanks does not cancel out her initial need, or your subsequent generosity, or indeed reflect the level of gratitude she might feel

You want to be acknowledged as being a good person by the person you helped and because she has not done that you are annoyed

Can you not think of yourself as having done a nice thing and having been a good person helping out a relative without her direct thanks?

So why was she happy to take them?

Ungrateful she was OP.

It would be perceived as ruder to send the bag back.

She's received a bag of second hand clothes, she said thanks.

What do you want from her? She has to mind yr feelings even though she lost her mum.

Isn't the point she hadn't said thanks?

She said to get man they were nice.

I think you've missed the point of the thread?

I'm sorry but losing a parent 15 years ago is no excuse for rudeness.

I also hate having people's stuff foisted upon me- but if I had agreed to receive said stuff in advance then why on earth wouldn't I thank the person who sent them?

Thanking 'through their nan' (which she didn't even really do!) is pathetic and lazy. It takes 30 seconds to write a text.

It is rude of her not to say thank you.

However, I found my last pregnancy really really tough for various reasons and was slow at texting / was not as present as I should have been, so please give her the benefit of the doubt - you did a lovely, kind thing - hopefully your clothes and steriliser will be well used and appreciated.

This is so ridiculous. Her reaction to a bag of second hand clothes was "wrong"

🙄