To be sick of DH being hyper critical of DD

[Greenroof]

DD 15 is quite different to my DH. She lounges around and needs lots of quiet time and spends a lot of time in PJs. I’d like her to be more ‘up and at em’ but at the end of the day, she is who she is.

She goes to school, does an activity and although she can be rude at times, she’s not a bad kid. If anything, my worry is that she doesn’t socialise enough.

My DH is just endlessly critical of her - she’s spending too much time in PJs, she’s eating rubbish, she’s in her bed too long, she’s too rude , she isn’t out enough etc etc . It’s mostly to me but I am getting utterly sick of it. This morning she had a shower and got into some fresh PJs and plans to dry her hair, get dressed and take the dog for a walk.

DH just saw her get into PJs and is immediately jumping on it saying she shouldn’t be in PJs , lacks motivation etc

It’s exhausting and I feel I am the only one to see the the good in her, does any one else have this situation?

I don't think it's a matter of your DD being different...it sounds more like you just have different parenting styles. You're more laid back and relaxed and fine with her lounging around and being a tad 'rude at times'...and your DH is far stricter and wants her to be out doing things.

I can see both sides. I'm more inclined to your DH's side, but that being said I wouldn't just moan about it - I'd speak to DD and try and motivate her to be a bit more active and socialise because, tbh, it sounds like there is an issue. Sitting inside with 'quiet time' is all well a good but day in/day out it's not really healthy at her age and if you're worried about her not being social, you should try and speak to her rather than letting her be.

Hmm it's a tricky one. It doesn't sound like it's affecting her if he voices it to you rather than her. But its draining for you to listen to this if he's not willing to be proactive about it- it's sounds like he's framing this as a problem for you to fix? I would say to him look if this bothers you then read a book about parenting teens and try out some motivational tactics but don't keep moaning to me about it. Definitely agree he should also be trying to look for the good in her or their relationship will deteriorate

Many if not most teens feel exhausted. Their bodies are undergoing great physical and emotional changes.

If your dd is not neglecting her studies and is a well behaved dc generally then your dh needs to back off a bit.

I can remember family ‘walks’ at the weekend as a teen, I hated them.

The rudeness isn’t ok but pick your battles and all that.

As for the rest, as long as she’s going to school, doing homework, getting outside sometimes, which it sounds like she is, then he needs to leave her alone.

One of my kids needs a lot of downtime. It’s who she is and I wouldn’t stand for anyone picking at her or me for it.

People are different. Tell him to stop.

I'm with you OP. DD sounds like a basically good kid and your DH needs to accept that we're all different and love her for who she is.

Is he replicating his own upbringing? Were his parents quite critical?

This is my concern @Newnamesameoldlurker, I worry that his constant negativity will just destroy any relationship they might have as he can’t see beyond what he thinks it’s right. Different personality types don’t seem to count for anything

Good idea on the parenting book

@Devilshands We do have quite different approaches now that they are older. When younger it was the same - plenty of exercise , activity, socialising etc. Good meals, family time , homework done straight after school.

It’s now they have a mind of their own that they are diverging. My DH feels everyone should be busy, out, active, diligent etc. That’s how he was and that’s how he was parented. He seems unable to accept any alternative

I was different, not quite like DD, but less structured and was parented in a much looser way. We have broadly achieved to similar levels , although I far out earn my DH as I think that over structured parenting did him no favours in the workplace.

However DD1 is very different to our other kids, has dyspraxia and emotionally is probably struggling quite so can be quite difficult. I don’t like to see her sitting around either but I’m aware that some people need this more than others. She is very keen to get a part time job once she hits 16 and to put in context she came home at 6.30 4 evenings this week after supervised study. I think DH is caught in a negative spiral where seeing her in her PJs or on her phone is almost triggering him and he’s constantly criticising

He sounds like an absolute dick. Children need rest in their lives. They need to relax.

Also he needs to take into account different personality types - some people are extrovert “up and at ‘em” types who want to be out there doing something at all times. Some people are not like that - they are introverts who need alone time to recharge, or have different body rhythms etc. She’s not wrong for being different to him.

Being rude isn’t good, but maybe she feels pushed to her limits?

@BigGlassHouseWithAView I think the rudeness is sometimes just in response to the endless nit picking and then sometimes she is being bratty which I pick her up on .

She could work harder in school, we have a job there - she is 3 years off her ‘leaving cert’ (in Ireland) and I am confident with our help and encouragement that she will do well. I think she needs to grow up a bit as well

I grew up with a very critical father, and it was horrendous for my self esteem and caused me a lot of emotional problems. Is he critical in the same way towards your other kids? If not, then that will only compound her loss of confidence, being singled out as a 'bad' kid.

Please do try to protect her from this and get through to him somehow.

Tbh, if someone was nit picking at me, I’d be rude. It doesn’t sound like she’s doing much wrong except to not be exactly like your DH. Well she isn’t him and his way isn’t the only way to be so he needs to get on board with that.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I completely agree with you. I can’t understand why he cannot see different ways of being.

@OmuraWhale His parents weren’t critical , very supportive in fact, but all the children 7 children did the same thing - same activities, broadly the same degrees etc. I think he expected it to be the same in our house and I just don’t think that’s how life works. His family are quite unique- not in a good or bad way, just unique

@Begsthequestion The other 2 are very different to my DD. Much easier characters and sporty and social. They are rarely criticised

Would he be less likely to kick off if she were wearing casual/loungewear rather than pyjamas during the day? They're comfortable as well, but could convince him that she isn't being 'lazy' whilst she still has exactly the same amount of downtime.

How about start referring to him as a bully? Which he is. Your dd will be out the door with a bag packed at the earliest opportunity if he doesn't stfu.

@NeverDropYourMooncup She has tons of loungewear - she just loves those PJs!

@Mindblownawaybyfog He is more directing the criticism at me but no doubt she’s picking up on it

Is your DD happy with her lifestyle?

Does she have friends she could hang out with , just chooses not to?

Does she have any hobbies/interests (not necessarily active ones)?

Your DH is being a dick and needs to accept that DD is her own person not an extension of him /his family. Nitpicking at her won't motivate her, just ruin their relationship.

However, I would still make sure everything is ok with your DD ,for her own wellbeing.

Who cares whether he’d be convinced by that. She’s can wear what she likes and shouldn’t have to change what she wears because he has some messed up thinking.

No way my kids have to dress a certain way in their own home to placate someone. What on Earth?

I agree with you op. That said I wouldn’t be impressed with the day pyjama thing (that’s just me) Day pyjamas mean that even if she nips to the local shop she’ll have to change . It sets the expectation for the day. So I would encourage her to get dressed in day - comfy sportswear would do. Then she looks like she could go somewhere. Bonus points for it being later in the day before dh realises she’s not going anywhere!

I wonder if dh is contributing to her lack of motivation. It is incredibly demotivating to constantly be picked at. It means sue is spending a lot of emotional energy dealing with those feelings and receiving the message she isn’t enough.it will be affecting her self esteem and consequently her ability to actually be her best. It’s already having an effect on her schooling op- you and dh are kidding yourself if you think otherwise. I was the dc in this situation . It took 30 yrs to be confident in my abilities.

Oh dear. I mean, good for them, but not for her, if she is being compared negatively to them in any way.

It took me years to realise the damage done from being forced into the identity of the 'bad child' of the family. I'm still getting over it now as a grown adult. I wasn't even bad like causing my parents trouble or anything. Just a depressed kid with undiagnosed ADHD, who was hyper and emotional as a child, and as a teen struggled to get organised and moving, and couldn't sleep and so woke up late often. So I feel for your DD.

For your daughter's sake you must stick up for her.

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat
Yes she has a sports hobby that she does twice to three times a week.

She has friends but a very limited social life, I think she would like more. Opportunities are there but she avoids them and is very resistant to new things.

She definitely needs help around developing self esteem and getting more involved in things .

My mothers instinct tells me that she will come into her own in uni , will enjoy getting a part time job etc. I think these years are hard.

Dyspraxia doesn’t help and she is definitely displaying all the emotional signs associated with it

My DD is the same, only she’s studying when at home. Doesn’t socialise or do any activities. DS is the exact opposite and plays a lot of sport and is president of his Uni society. They are who they are and I’d tell your DH to zip it

@Begsthequestion We are taking her for an ADHD assessment . Our GP feels she may have it

I'm sorry to hear that she is struggling. Can you help in any way? Maybe have her friends over to hang out? Or suggest easy outings/activities she could do with some of them?

To be honest, that makes her dad's nitpicking even worse. Him pointing out how different,lazy etc. she is won't help with her self esteem and her doubts.

Poor kid.

He is bullying his own daughter who has some form of disability or extra need.... this is not ok at all and you need to protect her from his awful behaviour. He isn't parenting at all, he is picking at her over things that are most likely intrinsically part of who she is. What a horrible man.