To be sick of DH being hyper critical of DD

[Greenroof]

DD 15 is quite different to my DH. She lounges around and needs lots of quiet time and spends a lot of time in PJs. I’d like her to be more ‘up and at em’ but at the end of the day, she is who she is.

She goes to school, does an activity and although she can be rude at times, she’s not a bad kid. If anything, my worry is that she doesn’t socialise enough.

My DH is just endlessly critical of her - she’s spending too much time in PJs, she’s eating rubbish, she’s in her bed too long, she’s too rude , she isn’t out enough etc etc . It’s mostly to me but I am getting utterly sick of it. This morning she had a shower and got into some fresh PJs and plans to dry her hair, get dressed and take the dog for a walk.

DH just saw her get into PJs and is immediately jumping on it saying she shouldn’t be in PJs , lacks motivation etc

It’s exhausting and I feel I am the only one to see the the good in her, does any one else have this situation?

I have a Teenager exactly like yours. I hate the lying around all day in bed in pyjamas but that’s how they want to spend their free time. All they have done this morning is complain how tired they are. I said we can go out later for some fresh air but I won’t push it as they probably won’t want to. I find it really hard and I don’t think it’s good for them tbh but as they get older you can’t battle about it.

Why are you allowing him to do this? Tell him you will not stand back and listen to criticising your child any longer! She's doing sports several times a week and school, she's absolutely fine the way she is. It's crap that she can't be comfortable relaxing in her own home.

If he’s criticising her directly or within her hearing and/or ‘picking’ at her, that’s not on. It will get her and others in the household down.

Since you and he disagree about any ‘house rules’, around screen time, daywear, whatever, suggest you seek to agree on a small number, and how to approach them with DD. Also that he will not add to those or speak negatively about other things to DD or within hearing of the DC - when outside your home, or DC are not around.

If he won’t be reasonable with you about it and/or is full of’ she should / you should…….’ without doing anything constructive himself (eg teen parenting ideas) then as they say here you do indeed have a DH problem.

It partly depends on his motivation. Is he concerned because he thinks she is having problems with physical or mental health, because he can’t see that she has different preferences? Or is it that he would like to have a more active, popular, conventionally successful daughter? The latter is absolutely not okay.

@TorturedPoets It is hard to watch and I agree encouraging/ forcing out is important.
They can’t spend all day lounging but she rarely does that. There will usually be something that gets her out

@Renamed It’s both really. DD isn’t particularly happy at the moment but he also has an objection to having a child that takes this kind of approach to life

Your 'd' h should leave her be. He sounds likw very hard work tbh. I'd hate someone to bw nit picking me in my own home.

Has she been assessed for autism? There’s a few signs that could be ASD in what you’ve said and it often goes hand in hand with ADHD and dyspraxia.

Your husband needs to back off.

He's a nasty bully. She's a teenage girl trying to relax in her own home. If he carries on like this she will not want to see him when she grows up. And he's likely to destroy her self-esteem. Stick up for your DD against this vile man.

It’s going to feel damaging to have a parent who fundamentally wishes she was somebody else. The first step for your DH needs to be love and acceptance of your daughter. Then he can maybe communicate with her about getting more enjoyment out of life. Right now this is definitely a him problem, I think. He’s got no right to ask her to do anything to bolster his self image.

@BigGlassHouseWithAView There could be but my DD is very adamant that she could not deal with that diagnosis so we are steering away from this at the moment anyway

He seems hyper focused on what she's wearing, which (like any excessive focus on appearance) can be really uncomfortable, from a teen girl's perspective. Does he perhaps not understand (1) how many times your average 15yo will change clothes, and how quickly and (2) that PJs are a much more mainstream choice than in the past? As long as she's dressing reasonably when going out, does it really matter if she's in PJs at home?

If he thinks she isn't active enough, is he inviting her along on active outings with him on a regular basis - for example, a game of tennis or a walk or bike ride or swim or even a planned weekend day out hiking or climbing - whatever they'd both enjoy? She might not accept - and she certainly won't if she sees it as another opportunity for him to have a go at her - but I'd be very unimpressed with his critiques if he isn't at least doing this.

Sounds like your is DH is clueless about parenting a teenager.

Is you daughter struggling to socialise and make friends?;is she open to a cadets type group or if there's one in your area a woodcraft folk group if cadets wouldn't be her thing.

I did woodcraft folk as a teenager and my four all do/have done cadets;if was a good experience.

Can I read that back to you in my words and ask if it resonates?

“DD’s behaviour triggers something about his own childhood that he is unable to acknowledge or discuss. Therefore he tries to get her back into a non-triggering box for him, even to the extent that he will trash his relationship with her rather than deal with himself.”

Nobody likes to think they would sacrifice their own child to their issues- but a lot of people do.
Can you discuss this at all in a wider forum, among friends with similar aged or older kids, or is this something to be ‘kept private’ (hidden)?

I should add that I think my DH has my DDs best interests at heart, he just cant see past his own upbringing and his own way of being

He should back off. She doesn't sound like a bad kid at all. She's 15 and some of them are way off the rails by then. Would he prefer if she was a wild child, out all the time drinking and smoking weed?
Every time he comes at you moaning about her, shut him down.

@OffficerChurlish Yes he does invite her for a game of tennis or a run but she stopped as he couldn’t stop ‘coaching’ She hated it but the other 2 lapped it up

Yeah, I can understand that. Maybe something to keep in mind for the future. It’s definitely something that your husband should be thinking is a possibility for her, and make adjustments accordingly. His style of parenting would have very negatively impacted my autistic teen daughter. He needs to think on that.

I’ve no idea why you dh is trying to push dd to be someone she is not. He needs to learn she is an individual person with likes and dislikes which may not match his own.
If you think she may be autistic or adhd, do please read up about it. Even if she doesn’t want a diagnosis, there’s lots you could do to help her if she seems neurodivergent to you. If she is, then clearly she has been masking and this would be taking a toll on her. Pushing her like this will result in burnout. Many neurodivergent people have comfortable familiar clothes they like to wear. And many need a lot of extra time to regulate after a busy day/week at school. She may also pick up on your dh being dissatisfied with her which will affect her confidence.

Something I wondered about was whether it would help them to have a regular activity which is theirs to help them bond.

Perhaps they could walk the dog one night a week together or something. Non competitive/sports related

I’m sure he does but he needs to parent the child in front of him instead of thinking there’s one way to parent and applying it to all his kids.

My kids are both lovely but they’ve always needed very, very different styles of parenting. My daughter was diagnosed as autistic as a teen, which explained a whole lot, and all we could think was thank fuck we had took the approach to parenting her that we did on the whole. There’s a few things that we pushed her on thinking ‘well it worked for our son’, and we still feel bad over it. If thsg would have been a regular thing, I don’t know where we’d be now,

Suggest lots of time discussing things 1:1 with your H. If he will be reasonable with you (and then with DD).

if there is possibility DD isn’t neurotypical that’s a whole additional and different ballgame!

DH and I were on the same page as parents of younger DC but have different views on teen parenting and were very differently parented during our own teen years. Teen issues have brought some unthought about ‘baggage’ to the fore. Eg responses to my DC at times that sound like my parents & that I’m not proud of and am trying (often failing) to change! Even when I’ve reflected on and understand why I’m doing it.

If your H can’t ‘see’ his own baggage / issues it’ll be hard for him to imorove as a parent of teens.

Jesus what 15 year old isn't a little rude? They're at a stage of learning independence and pushing boundaries is completely normal.
My dad was the same, he would fly off the handle at the smallest most ridiculous things. If I walked too loudly, didn't speak with perfect queen English etc and the more he did it, the ruder I was back to him. Where did he think I learnt that behaviour from?

tbh this sounds exactly like me at that age. I had friends but we didn't necessarily have loads in common, hated school, and after 9 hours every day I just wanted some peace! Must be even worse now with social media meaning teens are constantly ON all the time. I used to spend my whole summer holidays reading when my dad tried to nag us all out on family bike rides etc. 2 younger siblings who were much more sociable.

Then exactly as you say, I got a job aged 16, made better friends in 6th form and then moved away for uni and had a great time through all of it. Being a teenager is exhausting, physically and emotionally - give her a break! Lots of teenagers go completely off the rails, and he's moaning about her not getting up early enough....

Every time her dad says anything to criticise her he's basically saying "I don't like your personality,' which as a teen will be interpreted to the max as "and if my dad doesn't like me, no wonder I don't have friends, nobody likes me, there's something wrong with me etc.' Whereas it's really her dad that has the issue with lack of flexibility and ability to realise that other people are different to him.

The only compromise I would suggest is that she wears her loungewear rather than PJs all day - its the same level of comfort and tbh even if they are 'fresh' on, PJS are designed for night use.

Fucking hell, it’s Saturday, she’s been studying all week plus her extra activities?! Let her rest.

Your H sounds like a bullying prick.