To be sick of DH being hyper critical of DD

[Greenroof]

DD 15 is quite different to my DH. She lounges around and needs lots of quiet time and spends a lot of time in PJs. I’d like her to be more ‘up and at em’ but at the end of the day, she is who she is.

She goes to school, does an activity and although she can be rude at times, she’s not a bad kid. If anything, my worry is that she doesn’t socialise enough.

My DH is just endlessly critical of her - she’s spending too much time in PJs, she’s eating rubbish, she’s in her bed too long, she’s too rude , she isn’t out enough etc etc . It’s mostly to me but I am getting utterly sick of it. This morning she had a shower and got into some fresh PJs and plans to dry her hair, get dressed and take the dog for a walk.

DH just saw her get into PJs and is immediately jumping on it saying she shouldn’t be in PJs , lacks motivation etc

It’s exhausting and I feel I am the only one to see the the good in her, does any one else have this situation?

That’s interesting, because it sounds a bit like your DH is very rigid in his thinking, likes rules, has a set way of doing things or can’t cope… are you sure it is a diagnosis for your daughter you should be focusing on?

I thought the same.

No wonder she has low self esteem when she is being bullied in her own home. My dad may not have always said that he was annoyed with how I was but I could certainly pick up that he didn't approve. My mum is more similar to my sibling too as they are both out going go get em types and I am an introverted homebody

I don't speak to my dad anymore and am not that close to my mum as I am angry at her for not stopping him. He crushed me.

Be very careful here or she will be gone at 18 ans never see him again. Or she'll end up in relationships with people who don't make her shine as she'll never be secure in herself - never feel good enough.

I found this article really interesting and if your DH is someone who likes evidence they might respond to it.

It basically says that to get the most out of your team at work you should make 5-6 positive comments to 1 criticism

Ok it's about work but I think it applies to children too

https://hbr.org/2013/03/the-ideal-praise-to-criticism

This^
I had a dad like this, it was very damaging and tbh it lead to me not having a relationship with him . There were other problems as well but in a nutshell he didn’t like how I turned out : not sporty, not robust, not in a perfect health …
After years of this you just want to tell your Dad f* off and at some point you do directly or indirectly (by foot) .
Your DH might end up a lonely old man with this approach . The younger kids might change as well and react a bit differently to Dad’s comments especially if they are boys.

The golden rule of parenting, as far as I'm concerned, is that you need to parent the child that you've got, rather than the one that you imagined you would have.

If your DH is worried about your dd's wellbeing, the constant criticism is not going to help her with this. He needs to find a better approach.

I have adhd, and my own dd is currently awaiting assessment. In her case, she is constantly out, busy and doing stuff, because that's what works for her. I go through phases of being like that, and then I have phases of complete overwhelm when, like your dd, I just want to stay in my PJs and do nothing because I can't actually cope with anything else. There is nothing that makes those overwhelm phases worse than feeling judged for the fact that I'm struggling.

I think your DH needs to forget about his own expectations or ideas of what's right or normal and focus on your dd and what she needs. It sounds like she isn't 100% happy with her life at the moment. Maybe you both need to understand more about that and how she would like things to change. And if she does want change, what support does she need from you both to facilitate that?

There is no point trying to push a square peg into a round whole. No good can come of it.

His default mode is 'coaching' aka controlling the situation. He needs to realise that he is refusing to adapt his default mode in order to cater to his different children's individual needs.

He's asking her, a teen with little life experience, to challenge her default mode while he, an adult with plenty of experience and a fully developed brain, seems unable to do so.

I wonder if pointing that out to him might help him change his approach.

It sounds as if your DH behaves in a very 'alpha sporty' kind of way around your DD and she is, understandably, reacting to that.

@Greenroof I have 19yo DS who is ND (ASD/ADHD diagnoses) and recognise a lot of what you say about your DD in him. DC with these traits (whether they are formally diagnosed or not) very often need far more chill and down time than others. But your DD sounds as if she is achieving well at school, managing an extracurricular activity, coping with life: she just needs more downtime than many. Which is absolutely fine.

I must admit I am strict with all of mine about getting properly dressed every day: in our house you are only allowed to stay in PJs or onesies all day if you are ill. But this is partly my own issue as I associate constantly staying in bedtime gear with mental health problems and depression. I realise that might sound bonkers to some but I do genuinely think it's healthier for people to get up and dressed into something other than PJs during the day. So I do kind of get your DH's concern about that aspect but he is being far too 'hectoring' and is going to get nowhere with her. As others have said, constant criticism is a sure fire way to destroy a relationship and a child's self esteem.

Would DH be open to suggesting less alpha sporty stuff as a way of encouraging DD out and about? For example a walk and a hot chocolate in a cafe, rather than a shouty run or game of tennis? I do find with my neurodivergent DS that he can all too easily fall into a pattern of not leaving the house if not encouraged to and he can then get quite low, it can become a bit of a vicious circle. He openly agrees that his mental health (and sleeping patterns) are better and healthier if he goes out even if just for a short walk for 10 minutes once a day.

Sympathies though, it is a constant balancing act and it is very hard when one parent doesn't seem to 'get' what makes their DC tick.

OP you need to be so passive about this and act.

You are allowing your husband to bully your daughter.

You describe your daughter as someone who is not happy and has few friends and who is constantly picked on by her father at home.

Doesn't that sound wrong to you?

The pyjama thing could be because she is getting depressed ( signs of depression include little interest in physical appearance and difficulties getting out of bed and getting involved with activities in the outside world).

Or it could be that your daughter is neurodivergent and just naturally behaves a bit differently than other teens.

It is likely he is badly affecting her self-esteem and her future relationship with her.

You really need to have a serious talk with him and put your daughter's welfare first rather than simply watch and allow this to happen...

The teen years its a funny age like their not little kids and not adults sort of in between.
Dont know what we want but think we do.
Dont like our parents but we have forgotten that we love them.
Our bodies changing lots going on.
My mum called it the zombie years.
But some parents have long forgotten them years we all at some point have have been there,

You need to tell him to back off. I'm also dyspraxic and was similar to your daughter at that age (and still am) in terms of enjoying days at home in PJs/loungewear. I was doing no sports at all though, I'm impressed that she's doing a sport 3 times a week.

A lot of people with dyspraxia will have sensory issues with clothing. PJs and lounge wear will almost certainly be more comfortable for her to wear compared to jeans and t shirts. Does it really matter what she wears at home in private? Why shouldn't she be comfortable?

She is neurodivergent and her father needs to understand that. It sounds like she has some self esteem issues and she needs her home to be a safe space where she can relax and be herself.

@CaffiSaliMali and @Startingagainandagain I have considered that there could be depression at play but when she goes outside she takes great care with her appearance. The PJs are a strange one in that just today she got up, showered , got back into fresh PJs , dried her hair, walked the dog , came home, got back into PJs and took off her make up and is talking about going out again and putting back on clothes or make up!!

God he sounds awful! It’s pot luck how our kids turn out and she sounds fab. She isn’t him, and he needs to back the fuck off.

That sounds like a perfectly normal 15 year old girl OP, it’s a phase.