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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reckless couple

67 replies

Niceeyes · 17/05/2024 22:39

My friends DP had a heart attack very recently.. DP was a heavy smoker and drank daily …minimum exercise… actually both of them live(d) this way. Friend says she’d stop smoking and drinking to support her partner

I visited recently and gave a gift of non alcoholic wine as a nice gesture seeing as he should not be drinking… he said thanks but he can still drink.

then, friend wanders to the garden and has a cigarette!!

countless social media pics of them on day / nights out at fried food places… he clearly has alcohol in his hand

plus her DP is being fitted with a defibrillator soon too and also has to take countless daily tablets.

friend has boasted that the DR says it was a 1 in a million in bad luck that her DP had a heart attack as he is ridiculously healthy….

i really do despair for them

OP posts:
SherlockHomies · 17/05/2024 22:44

They post countless photos of them at fried food places??

Noname1000 · 17/05/2024 22:45

SherlockHomies · 17/05/2024 22:44

They post countless photos of them at fried food places??

Maccies selfies?

Original poster
Niceeyes · 17/05/2024 22:47

SherlockHomies · 17/05/2024 22:44

They post countless photos of them at fried food places??

out at events / restaurants where he’s ticking int in large plates of fried food

OP posts:
Original poster
Niceeyes · 17/05/2024 22:48

I just find them reckless, they have young kids and don’t seem to have taken the wake up call to change their lifestyle…

OP posts:
IDontLikePinaColadas · 17/05/2024 22:52

If they don’t want to change their lifestyle they won’t.

I understand it’s frustrating when you can see it from the outside. I have a great friend who is very similar, but I have learnt that, as much as I want him to change his habits for his own good, until he wants to nothing will happen.

Something needs to fundamentally click with them to make the change long term. Until that happens it will all be lip-service.

Pogointospring · 17/05/2024 22:53

Loads of people do unwise, unhealthy or dangerous things all the time. It’s really up to them.

I don’t think they all need judging and condemning on Mumsnet by so called friends.

Tristar15 · 17/05/2024 22:55

As he luckily survived and the doctor has (supposedly) said that to him then they think they’re fine. It should have been a wake up call but wasn’t. I despair at people who don’t take personal responsibility for their health but unless they want to change they won’t.

Panpastels · 17/05/2024 22:56

I think your gift of non alcoholic wine was a bit passive aggressive if you knew he was still drinking. Why not a gift that he might actually like? As for their lifestyle- it's up to them.

Original poster
Niceeyes · 17/05/2024 22:56

Yes it’s very frustrating…. I will invite them to dinner soon and I will be serving healthy food thst he is supposed to be eating and I will not serve alcohol….. I know I’ll be asked where the wine is though 🤦‍♀️..

friend had cancer a few years ago and still smokes

OP posts:
Original poster
Niceeyes · 17/05/2024 22:58

Panpastels · 17/05/2024 22:56

I think your gift of non alcoholic wine was a bit passive aggressive if you knew he was still drinking. Why not a gift that he might actually like? As for their lifestyle- it's up to them.

It wasn’t passive aggressive at all… I truly believed them when they said they were going to stop drinking and smoking …. A waste of my money as no doubt they probably didn’t bother having the non alc wine

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 17/05/2024 23:02

Niceeyes · 17/05/2024 22:56

Yes it’s very frustrating…. I will invite them to dinner soon and I will be serving healthy food thst he is supposed to be eating and I will not serve alcohol….. I know I’ll be asked where the wine is though 🤦‍♀️..

friend had cancer a few years ago and still smokes

Why bother? You clearly judge them and you shouldn’t invite them around just to feel superior.

Original poster
Niceeyes · 17/05/2024 23:04

JustTalkToThem · 17/05/2024 23:02

Why bother? You clearly judge them and you shouldn’t invite them around just to feel superior.

Show quote history

It’s not about feeling superior, i love how things gets twisted on this site 🙄

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2024 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

betterangels · 17/05/2024 23:08

You now know he still drinks, so serving them non-alcoholic wine will likely be seen as passive-aggressive. Might put a damper on the evening.

SherlockHomies · 17/05/2024 23:08

You're going to invite them round to dinner, yet here you are, slagging them off on a public forum?

Why bother inviting them anywhere where food and drink is involved?

betterangels · 17/05/2024 23:09

News flash, they don't have to live according to your rules. It really is ok for them to make their own choices even if they aren't the greatest ones for their health. If you are really their friend, you'll enjoy them while you have them.

Agreed.

KreedKafer · 17/05/2024 23:10

You don’t have to give up alcohol after a heart attack, unless you have a certain specific heart condition. He shouldn’t be getting hammered every day, but nor should anyone else.

The odd burger as a treat is also perfectly fine.

Obviously smoking is bad for you, but it’s not easy to give it up.

Do you even know what caused his heart attack? Not all heart attacks are caused by lifestyle factors. My FIL barely drank, ate well, was not overweight and did a physical job. He had a heart attack at 34 and was extremely lucky to survive. Nothing to do with his lifestyle at all - he simply had a heart defect that he was almost certainly born with.

Anyway. None of this is any of your business, so I’d stop obsessing over it if I were you.

FOJN · 17/05/2024 23:24

Why are you going to invite them to dinner and serve something they may not enjoy just because you've decided what's good for them? Dinner with friends is supposed to be celebratory not a diet prescription.

You're free to feel frustrated and they are free to make their own choices,
however unwise you may think they are.

You don't sound like a friend at all.

Scurryfunge12 · 17/05/2024 23:36

OP, the quicker you learn that you really have zero control over what other people do and focus on yourself a bit more, the happier you’ll be. They have their head in the sand but it’s not your problem.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2024 23:37

Scurryfunge12 · 17/05/2024 23:36

OP, the quicker you learn that you really have zero control over what other people do and focus on yourself a bit more, the happier you’ll be. They have their head in the sand but it’s not your problem.

Very wise words and 100% true.

CranfordScones · 17/05/2024 23:38

You seem to have frustration to spare. Where do you get it all from?

pinkdays · 17/05/2024 23:39

What's it to you? You clearly don't like them.

How much are you out for the alcohol free wine? £6?

bloodyplumbing · 17/05/2024 23:44

Niceeyes · 17/05/2024 22:56

Yes it’s very frustrating…. I will invite them to dinner soon and I will be serving healthy food thst he is supposed to be eating and I will not serve alcohol….. I know I’ll be asked where the wine is though 🤦‍♀️..

friend had cancer a few years ago and still smokes

Don't invite them, you don't like them!

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 17/05/2024 23:46

OP if you're going to force your ideas of what they should be eating on them then please don't bother inviting them to dinner

Brandyb · 17/05/2024 23:48

They're your friends, but I'm struggling to see your concern coming from a place of love. What are they to you, how are you friends? You don't get to make life choices for them.