Reckless couple

[Niceeyes]

My friends DP had a heart attack very recently.. DP was a heavy smoker and drank daily …minimum exercise… actually both of them live(d) this way. Friend says she’d stop smoking and drinking to support her partner

I visited recently and gave a gift of non alcoholic wine as a nice gesture seeing as he should not be drinking… he said thanks but he can still drink.

then, friend wanders to the garden and has a cigarette!!

countless social media pics of them on day / nights out at fried food places… he clearly has alcohol in his hand

plus her DP is being fitted with a defibrillator soon too and also has to take countless daily tablets.

friend has boasted that the DR says it was a 1 in a million in bad luck that her DP had a heart attack as he is ridiculously healthy….

i really do despair for them

People get complacent - of course his unhealthy lifestyle is to blame, but it’s his choice ultimately, but also frustrating the NHS picks up the cost of their stupidity. A friend is in a relationship with someone similar. Stroke in early 50’s, very overweight, breathing is terrible, and now been diagnosed with cancer. I feel for him, of course no-one deserves cancer but he’s continuing to smoke and drink at the moment. Hopefully after the cancer surgery (will need a colostomy bag) that might kickstart off a new healthier lifestyle. I find it mad that people ignore medical advice and many cut their life short. But ultimately it’s their choice Op.

We think we're invincible but the reality is, we are not promised tomorrow, none of us are. Everyday we get closer to death.

But @Niceeyes as much as you care enough to worry and let up about their behaviour, it's their behaviour. They have free will. So yes, provide them with a lovely healthy meal and a pep talk, but if these people are on course of a death wish and dont want to divert, that's on them. You might find it shocked them into thinking YOLO versus staying alive and well.

I do feel sorry for their children.

As a widow who lost her 50yo hubby and young children, it was awful losing him without notice.

Until you've been there, you have no idea what it's like.

I spent a lot of time on a cardiac ward a few years ago due to an undetected heart defect I had from birth. In my case, it wasn't a heart attack, but arrhythmia. It was absolutely staggering how many patients on that ward were regularly nipping out for a cigarette. Smoking is absolutely the last thing anyone with a heart condition should be doing. OP, you mention the partner smoking but not the patient. Could it be that he has stopped? If so, that is probably sufficient for now. Trying to change all behaviours at once is a blueprint for failure. There is no need whatsoever for them to give up alcohol, unless there is a drinking problem. One or two glasses of wine will do no harm. I have been advised to avoid all stimulants, including caffeine but even I'm allowed the odd glass of wine.

Next time you visit be sure to take a massive salad. That’ll fill them up for weeks. How dare they eat what they want. Disgraceful behavior. Must be nice to be so perfect, op.

Come on , is everything you do perfect! If that's how you think everyone should be toned and a good weight because it's easy to do.

If he's been fitted with a defibrillator, then it sounds like he had a cardiac arrest, rather than a 'heart attack' caused by blocked arteries. At the end of the day his lifestyle is up to him.

Are you a healthy person, OP? Have you always secretly judged them, and thought they’d want your help to join them in your virtuous lifestyle after their wake up call?

You seem very invested; it’s their life.

Why do you feel it's your responsibility to save him? I'd be looking at that - do you think that one healthy meal at yours and the scales will fall from his eyes and think oh yes I know now I need to be healthy thank you Niceeyes.

Am not saying you are wrong to be irked but this is taking it a bit far imo - you will have loads of people in your life who have health conditions, lots of them down to lifestyle that you don't know about. You can't save everyone. Why has this one got to you so much?

It's frustrating to witness, but not much you can really do. He will have been given advice by the hospital about changing his habits but ultimately its down to him. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
One day he might wish he had sat up and taken notice, if only for the sake of his family x

Smoking is an addiction. Alcohol is addictive. Food can be as well. It’s hard work to just turn your lifestyle around and not everybody can manage it. My diet is awful. I know I need to eat better but I don’t seem able to get it under control. I’m sure it’s easy for someone on the outside to look at my diet and judge me for eating too much junk and to think I’m lazy and not trying to make any changes. The reality is I do try but it is overwhelming and hard not to give in to temptation, especially when tired and stressed about other things. Health concerns can add huge stress to a family and can make it harder to make changes and push people back into past addictions, comforts or habits. I understand it may be frustrating from the outside but just because you can’t see change doesn’t mean they’re not trying, I fail a lot more than I succeed when it comes to trying to improve my lifestyle despite trying to put the effort in.

If a heart attack doesn’t make them change their lifestyle, especially when they have young kids, nothing will.

Why? You don't seem to like them? Plus it really is none of your business what they do. If you normally serve wine, it would be very rude of you not to this time.

I'm not clear how this is going to help anyone bar make you look ?feel smug

I doubt very much the hospital told him it was fine to carry on smoking, eating shit, and boozing every night. But it’s amazing what people can convince themselves of. And yes it’s sad when there are young kids involved, you would think this couple would seek help to change for their kid’s sake.
I don’t think OP is just “slagging them off”, I think she’s concerned. But ultimately they will do what they like, on their heads be it.

I think what the OP’s frustration is that if the couple can’t change for themselves then at least change for their children.

It’s possible they are changing?
Might have one alcoholic drink a meal now instead of two or three. Half the fags a day than before?

Getting a defib fitted indicates the friends DPs heart health isn’t good. I think they’re making up the Dr’s comment tbh.

Some people just can't be helped. It's unfortunate that so many selfish people have children and don't actually give a shit about them!

A former colleague had a MASSIVE hear attack cycling. It was a miracle he was saved by an off-duty paramedic who happened to be in a car behind him. He still goes on crazy cycling trips 🤷‍♀️

Plus, who wants non alcoholic wine? No one. Take flowers or something else that doesn’t make a point.

As for “serving them” healthy food and no booze, absolutely pointless for one night. All that’s going to achieve is to make them uncomfortable and wonder why you’re imposing a nanny state on them. You can find a balance if it makes you feel better - lasagne, red wine and salad vs lasagne, garlic bread, tiramisu and a crate of Peroni…

I get it, honestly. A neighbour died two weeks ago from a heart attack - very overweight and heavy smoker, only 52. Their funeral is next week. But we can’t live their lives for them. Realistically, the awful thing is he probably will die younger than he should but it’s in their hands not yours.

Non-alcoholic wine isn’t a gift, it’s a penance.

It's not easy to give up junk food, smoking and drinking for us mere mortals. Perhaps rather than fried food every night, they go out once s week (and post a selfie). Perhaps rather than smoking 10 a day, they have cut to 3 day and you just happened to catch one of them, perhaps rather than drinking every night they have cut to twice a week.

Such a nasty post

Mind your own judgemental business, it's really that simple. You can not smoke and drink and get hit by a bus tomorrow. People can live their life the way they see fit.

When I got diagnosed with cancer I desperately wanted a cigarette and a massive glass of wine. I’ve not smoked in 20 years and hardly ever drink alcohol.
I completely get now why cancer patients smoke and will never judge again.
Everyone wants to think they can somehow ward off death with healthy choices but you can’t really. Of course caning it and smoking ups your chances of getting a life threatening disease but plenty of people like me, who excercise, eat kale and don’t smoke get sick and tons of people I know live much worse and are perfectly fine.
And ultimately people have to really want to change, you can’t guilt or shame them into it.

YANBU of course!

It is absolutely reckless of them and very selfish.

It’s frustrating when you see someone slowly killing themselves but these are grown adults and how they live their lives is up to them.

I don't understand why the OP is friends with these people. They are obviously close enough to go to each other's homes for meals. The OP is very consious of a healthy, balanced diet, doesn't smoke and presumably only drinks in moderation if at all. I can't really see the commonality with someone who posts selfies with groaning plates of deep fried Mars Bars, drinks to excess and puffs away like Fag Ash Lil.

Oh, well, that’ll make all the difference to his health and I am quite sure they will change their wicked ways immediately.

It may be annoying or frustrating to you, op, but it’s their life and their choices. It simply isn’t up to you what anyone else does with their life.

It’s very poor imo, to come on here slagging your so called friends off, and acting superior over them.