Mil and dh : dirty old woman pic

[Isthisweird1]

I have two dds but I can't imagine talking to a son like this and I certainly can't imagine my dm talking to my db like this....

So.. A few things a while ago over time.

I saw a pic of young teenage dh on the sofa and mil crawling towards him. On back she had wrote " dirty old woman".

Then one day we went round and before she realised I was there she draped her arms around his neck like a lover and complained of the heat ".

A family friend once said she told them, having a nice husband wasn't necessary if you had a son.

But she never complements him and puts him down which is strange?

Maybe it's quite common for modern mums!

She's not a modern mum though is she?

She's the mother to your husband so presumably is in her 50s or older.

I mean it's not like she's 30.

No idea why people are being so horrible. Even name calling.

It's very weird to "drape" yourself over your son. I don't know any mothers who would do this in the way you describe so I don't know why people are doing the stupid "well let's hope nobody judges me when I hug my son" thing. You're not describing a normal hug between a parent and adult child. Ditto the way she speaks to him. We all understand that tone of voice conveys meaning possibly even more so than the actual words you use. You're picking up that she is speaking to him in a way that would be more appropriate between lovers, not mother and son.

The photo is just totally bizarre and very troubling. Don't know why people are pretending that "dirty old woman" means anything other than a woman who is lecherous and focuses her sexual intentions on people far younger than her. There is no other meaning of dirty old man/woman. Cannot understand why PP are trying to gaslight you.

You need to speak to your husband and just ask him about all these examples. I don't think there's a way to pussyfoot around it really.

Dh is not warm to her at all and doesn't have a close relationship with her.
I've not asked about the pic.

I cannot understand her at all, especially with the combination of putting him down.
Interesting replies, I was thinking more of emotional boundaries she's crossing rather than physical ones.

That's what I thought🤣 Is she just hungry for attention because her husband isn't nice? Can you give other examples?

Do you mean both hands clasped together around his neck?

I think the pic is odd.

If he is young & she's crawling towards him I'm not sure it can look much other than predatory.

Is it a joke that doesn't translate well?

Why not ask your husband, instead of random strangers, what the photo was about?

It's not your average photo though, is it? Whether crawling or 'just' on all 4s facing your son? I agree with PP that the flaming is undeserved OP.

Well - obviously call the police, social services and a family therapist, immediately.

Or just ask your husband if he's ever found his mother's behaviour odd.

In my experience all MIL are weird in one way or another and by weird I mean "different to my mum".

Non of that is odd. I hug my adult son every day

Looks like that pic was taken and they had a laugh about what she looked like

The comment about not needing a husband if she has a nice son..... well that's true he clearly cares about her and takes care of her

This. It’s icky so some pp are leaning away but I think your instincts are telling you something. With the huge statistic around child sexual abuse surely we need to consider the huge complexities around adult relationships with an abuser, perhaps it can sometimes look like that? It’s a sad and horrible thought. I would ask your husband. I’m wondering how the relatives reacted when they heard her say that. Could be strange/inappropriate language (if you have a son…) and incredibly poor boundaries or he maybe carrying far more about is relationship with his mother than you know. The fact she otherwise puts him down is further disturbing - as this may be her way of controlling him between the ‘loving/affectionate’ mum or critical mum.

Yeah weird as. As another poster said trust how this makes you feel. People have a really good inbuilt alarm system that unless it gets mucked up early on by weird fanily dynamics growing up helps us to feel when something is off. It isn’t perfect but you can work with it.

🤣

I would be more likely to put the photo down to them mucking around as a family and potentially concerned about her having a funny turn or writing that down as a laugh to someone about something else and the photo was to hand. Especially if she isn't nice or sentimental.

Exactly this, and about her draping her arms. If there were some previous sexual or emotional abuse surely the answers need to come from your husband.

🤣🤣🤣

Worried now because when my (uni aged) son is sat at the kitchen island I sometimes go and drape my arms round him! I didn't realise that at some stage this may lead to insinuations I may be in an incestuous relationship with him from a future partner of his.

I mean clearly this is an incestuous relationship, the evidence is overwhelming. No mother hugs their son 🙄

What has this got to do with it? Are you just being racist now?

Why would she herself write 'dirty old woman' (in presumably her second language) if it was a shameful or inappropriate moment. There'll be more to it but you're asking mn randoms instead of the people who'd know.

I do this to all 3 of mine. And sometimes I hold their hand, if they let me. Occasionally I ask my daughter to give my face/shoulders a massage as she is brilliant at it. I also firmly believe my sons are better than their fathers....

Better watch myself around their partners. Who knows what accusations may come my way.

@Isthisweird1 you and your mil both appear to be quite dramatic.

Replace the son with a daughter and none of it feels odd - an in-joke on the back of a photo, the 'draping' (presumably a hug), the comment about the weather being hot, saying you don't need a husband if you've got great kids. It's always dils getting upset at their mil for being another important woman in his life, bloody weird. A bit like all the posts where sons who spend time with their mums are mummy's boys but it's perfectly normal for women to be close to their mum.

Just ask him op. None of us know.

People are projecting their own healthy relationships onto this situation and are feeling off about it because they can't imagine being inappropriate with their own children.

I do have a tale to share OP that was also super weird so I do get where you are coming from. It's not me so I can't comment much as I don't know a lot of the wider context, but I do remember a relative being quite upset and put out because they had gone away camping with her DH's family. On this trip she described her MIL lying next to her DH with her head on his shoulder, stroking his chest.

It clearly creeped her out. My sons are only very young so obviously kisses and cuddles are par for the course, but that does seem an overly intimate, boundary crossing gesture. She did also have other issues with MIL being interfering overbearing and got the impression she was trying to spend more time with the DH than my relative.

I do think some relationship dynamics between parents and children are unhealthy. I don't know enough to know whether it is abuse or if it just different boundaries to what I have.

Have you ever travelled? There are differences in the way people behave socially. Op is not being racist: she’s allowing for cultural difference.

I honestly think some people come on these threads and scour them so they can derail discussion by blurting out “ racist” or“ misogynist” or “ narcissist.” So long as it has an “ ist” on the end it’s a decent accusation. Or perhaps it’s just formulaic way of contributing and they don’t know better.

@Spirallingdownwards

Yes I agree. It's not unusual or wrong to hug adult dc, my df was a hugger.
It's the way it was done.

I think as I said it's the combination of everything, not one movement in isolation.

As I also said I think it's more about emotional boundaries that made me feel uncomfortable.

I agree it's creepy. If a man did this to a young girl, it would be shouts of report to the police or social services. Instead it's made a joke of by some folk. Not on.