What is this insane and desperate need for other school mums attention/approval etc?

[Brainded]

Just about that really? Several threads this morning on other school mums and whether the OP is liked etc? Why are people so bothered? These other mums surely have little to no relevance in your life? I drop my kids and I go to work, I pick them up and I go home. I couldn’t be bothered or interested in the other school mums! Sometimes I don’t even get out of the car! And yes I’m on the class WhatsApp and yes my children still get invited to parties and play dates. These people are just that…they are my children’s classmates parents! Surely we don’t NEED them to be approving of us. I just don’t get it. I don’t really know what my AIBU is? But surely I’m not alone in thinking this!??!

So happy my time is over for school runs. It was the worst few years of my life because I wasn't part of the clique first of all and then a single parent who apparently would have an affair with any man who looked at her. One school mum spread a rumour that my DH had left me pregnant while he was actually in hospital

Sometimes you need a "good morning" from a friendly face... sometime you don't!
Sometimes you can't find size 11 wellies and it's bloody forest school but Ben's mum on the WhatsApp has a spare pair and walks past your house...
Sometimes you forget it's fucking cake sale but Nancy's mum can lend your kid 50p for a manky cornflake cake!

Sometimes it's nice to chat and sometimes it's nice to fuckoff to work.

For a lot of us (and I am include myself to some extent in this) school was difficult. At best the odd ones out - at worst horribly bullied (and often in a "psychological" way so whispering/rumours/always being the butt of jokes. That stays with you. I work in a professional job and have a lovely group of friends (including several school Mums), but I still occasionally get that tight chest feeling when at a children's party/school run when someone says something. (Fortunately, my children have been ok on the friendship front and no issues of bullying; however, a lot of their friendships have "thrived" because we are close friends with parents).

I'm in the SE and lots of us are not from the town we live in. Lots of people don't have local family, they move out of London when they have a baby and so lots of people make friends at baby groups and through children (I have some amazing friends from different groups). I can imagine if you are new, a bit lonely, and go into a playground which seems really clique it would be hard, while someone just saying hi, asking how you've been can make a difference. I often go to coffee with some Mums after the school run on a Friday and I always feel better for having a good chat and putting the world to rights.

Those bullies from childhood rarely change - you see them in the playground or the whatsapp (guarantee those who've been bullied can pick them a mile off). . As I've got older I recognise often the snide comments in fact hide their own insecurities and can ignore, but it still not pleasant. For some people that cliqueness will spill over into their children then not being invited to things.

For me its not wanting approval, but it's more a "for goodness sake why do you have to be so unpleasant". As I say I am fortunate I have made some lovely friends on the playground (think people you know you call at 3 am and ask to drive you to the hospital, people who checked in and helped when my DF was dying), the people when you have a horrendous morning give you a hug and some kind words, and so I get why if you don't have that, you stand their on your own, the school run could be a difficult experience. Some people won't be bothered - but that doesn't mean that people who are are odd/strange or a bit pathetic.

Just a friendly hello and goodbye does me. Always has. These people are not my friends and those who genuinely are able to make a true friend at the school gates are indeed very fortunate.

To add, I also think it depends on the cohort of that year group. My eldest child’s cohort and their parents were way more nicer than my youngest child, who are incredibly competitive and cliquey.

Nah. I will stick to my hello and goodbye pleasantries.

This is not relevant at all at secondary school but when my youngest was at junior school it was pretty important aspect of your child’s social life. I didn’t always want a massive interaction or to go to the park but sometimes I did enjoy it and I have good friends from those days. I have other friends but I’m not sure why that is relevant as it doesn’t stop me from making new ones.

I suspect that the people who care about other Moms at school also care about other people at work / hobbies etc and if they're lined then. Some items need more external reassurance than others.

In our school you absolutely cannot just not get out of the car. They're not allowed outside school and kids have to be walked to the gate / collected from class until year 6 so I do spend blocks of time 10 times a day at the school gate and then two lots of five times a week stood outside classrooms. Having a chat, discussing what's going on in class etc is just a nice way to pass the time off you're sociable. In that scenario, being ignored, looked at funny etc is going to play on people's minds.

School Moms are not a word thing you can only see within 5 feet of the school gate. We've celebrated births, weddings, birthdays etc in our friendship group. We always get together at Xmas with the kids too see Santa. We have occasional lunches just adults. Yes I have other friends but I also like these ones. If they suddenly ghosted me I'd be upset.

I don't think BF had much of a choice tbh. The 'party' was going ahead whether BF liked it or not as I understand it from another mum who I am friends with (who is in the 'inner circle' but not at pick up/drop off much due to her work commitments), BF's mum was boasting to her about how she was telling her daughter it was her party to get out of the hassle of doing her a proper one, when it is really an adults boozy bbq where children happen to be around. But of course BF doesn't know this, in her head it's her party where she can't invite who she wants

If you see the same people every day, it's nice when they give you a nod or a smile, isn't it?

Maybe I'm just some needy weirdo, but I like meeting people who I can have a friendly chat with.

There are a couple of mums, a dad and a gran I sometimes chat with at pick up or parties. It's nice.

I use to care when I was younger as you do get the cliquey kind that give you the look or don't even smile (esp when the kids are friends) But as I've gotten older and had more children you realise they don't really matter. But I understand the awkward school gate moments esp when you're there early. I'd advise anyone to go late as possible and get out, you aren't missing much and most of them fall out anyway.

Not all mums are like that but that's some for you. I haven't the energy and I'm approachable so I know it's not me lol

You're not weird at all

This. To be on friendly terms with some mums/dads can be helpful, when one if you is running late for pick up and you need someone to look after your child til you can get there, when both your children have birthday parties to attend in separate places and hubby is away and someone else can take one.
I help mums out when I can and vice versa, I wouldn't count them as my close friends, but having a 2 way reciprocal supportive relationship can really help get through the logistics of the school days when both parents are working

This is the key thing - we ended up moving schools away from the group who actively worked to exclude me and DD2 in the end and now we're actually IN the group chat at school which is a godsend for "I've got ill younger sibling in the car, can someone walk X across the road" type organisation.

I can't wait till we're done with the primary school school gate politics though - secondary where your very existence as a parent is a source of ultimate embarrassment for them is so much easier to navigate (although DD1 ended up in a Y7 class with the child of a work colleague so I've still got that safety net if school pick up arrangements fall over at least).

I wasn't bothered about making friends with anyone. I worked anyway so never had the time to stop and chat and I hate asking for favours so I'd never have done that even if they were my friends. I've muddled my way through as a lone working parent!

I feel a bit like this when I see threads from posters getting upset that the neighbours don’t want to be friends. “I’ve tried inviting them in for coffee, offering them fruit off my trees, volunteering to feed the cat when they’re on holiday… what more can I do?!” I always want to respond, “Accept that they’re just your neighbours and not your friends!”

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be friends with their neighbours, or indeed the other parents at their child’s school. But I don’t really get the handwringing when it doesn’t happen; the moaning about cliques, how everyone is so unfriendly these days, why can’t people just be kind… why do people have such high expectations of virtual strangers?

Sorry I put YABU but you're not! I don't really get it either. The purpose of standing around in the playground is to drop off/collect kids. I couldn't bear having to chit chat with other parents but each to their own I guess, I couldn't imagine anything worse.

I do think it affects friendships.

I think it affects people who don't have many friends, due to various reasons e.g. moving to a new area. Those who already have mates, aren't going to be bothered or involved in it all.

Your are going to see those parents every school day for six years. It's good to find common ground with a few of them. And the kids will probably end up and the same secondary schools. Everyone needs a local network.

Tbh I found it easy to avoid the nightmare parents and ended up with a nice group who would stay and chat for an hour in then playground.

The primary years are over for me, and associated school runs, in a couple of weeks, and I have to say I can't bloody wait!! I just find it all so... awkward, I think largely because I am rubbish at small talk but also because I never really know how to be - friendly / quiet etc it's just confusing to me. So I tend to just run in and run out as quickly as possible. Yes people did say I would make some mum friends on the school run and no I really haven't but frankly I do think of friendship as somewhat overrated these days tbh... the fantasy of friendship when you are younger isn't really held up when you become an adult and move halfway across the country and have to start again! I am still friendly and hopeful but with no real expectations... at the school gates or otherwise! Thankfully I have some older friends I see a few times a year to keep me going!

It bothered me to the extent that parents controlled their kids' friendships and if you weren't in the "in" crowd, your child didn't get invited to parties etc.

And it's not very nice to be ignored when you go to pick up your child. I think it can be a SAHM versus working mum thing, but not necessarily.

But otherwise it's fairly irrelevant. I think it's easier to make friends via hobbies and work than via the playground.

I think resilience is an increasingly scarce commodity, OP. So many people seeking validation from people in the schoolyard, at work, out and about...

If there's a group of existing friends in the school grounds, that's not 'being cliquey and excluding people', that's having a catch up with their pals as their timetables overlap. They don't owe me friendship. I just nod and smile and say hi, and carry on with my day.

If you're happy in yourself, what some rando (who happens to also have a child in Y3) not smiling at you can't affect how you see yourself.

Is your AIBU about whether not needing other mums approval means it’s ok for you to feel cooler than the needy mums?

I vote yes by the way because it’s ok to feel cool while the needy, irrelevant and uninteresting mums faff about boring the arses off each other 😎

@graceinspace999 agreed!

I agree @Brainded I've never understood it either.

I have my own friends. I don't need to find anymore in the playground.

Neither does my DH. He doesn't fret about finding Dad friends either.

So much insecurity and so much time on their hands.

Get a Job or a hobby. Much more likely to find friends in common that way. And it might improve confidence too.

@graceinspace999 no I don’t feel cooler at all. Not what I mean. I suppose like @CountingCrones said maybe I have a bit more resilience and I don’t need a whole lot of validation from other parents at the school gate. That’s not to say I don’t need validation from others in other settings as I’m sure I do. Also I’m sure there are situations I’m not as resilient in. I just didn’t think the school gate was somewhere people would need to feel accepted but I’m wrong I suppose.