What is this insane and desperate need for other school mums attention/approval etc?

[Brainded]

Just about that really? Several threads this morning on other school mums and whether the OP is liked etc? Why are people so bothered? These other mums surely have little to no relevance in your life? I drop my kids and I go to work, I pick them up and I go home. I couldn’t be bothered or interested in the other school mums! Sometimes I don’t even get out of the car! And yes I’m on the class WhatsApp and yes my children still get invited to parties and play dates. These people are just that…they are my children’s classmates parents! Surely we don’t NEED them to be approving of us. I just don’t get it. I don’t really know what my AIBU is? But surely I’m not alone in thinking this!??!

No idea, I chatted to who I saw, at longer conversations at events and that was it

No idea what people thought of me other than the small chats I had, my life is more than the school

I do think a lot of it is down to "school gates" being sold as this amazing opportunity to develop a whole new friendship circle and bond with everyone, so people who have previously struggled during their own school days, or who have lost touch with people from uni or previous jobs think that this is their big chance. And because it is really not like that, they are disappointed.

People need to stop promoting school drop off/pick up as a social occasion as it is really not.

Ive got lots of lovely friends from among the school mums. Its nice?

@Misthios yeah it’s just a chore to me to be honest, I don’t see it as a social outlet in any way. I wonder who sells it as that and why…totally unreasonable

@Brainded there were a a couple of huge arguments involving about 3 quaters of the class parents (mostly mums but some dads were dragged in). It all kicked off when one of the mums kids wasn't invited to a small party (like 5 kids NOT whole class) on the whatsapp, which overspilt into the schoolgate. Everything simmered down but there was another full on shouting match after assembly.

The head had to arrange a meeting for the class. Kids were dragged into rows and there were a lot of tears, it was absolutely awful. Kids being upset/falling out in school made it worse and there was lots of sniping/bitchy comments/ groups of women openly ignoring eachother whilst making loud, passive aggressive comments. It was so toxic and just horrible. I've never experienced anything like it before and I'm a nurse so semi-used to bitchy environments.

The class parents were younger (I'm 33) they were mid-late 20s and mostly working mums. All had local accents but I didn't recognise any from my own school days.

One-on-one they were all nice enough to chat to but it was insane and I'm glad I'd made nice friends before because it was horrible.

Being sold by whom or what? We have children who go to the same school that is all, why would it automatically mean we all would naturally get along?

Why can people not think for themselves?

Who’s promoting this, though? It’s just a random collection of people with children of similar ages. Like the NCT, which I only did because my midwife was so insistent (for complex reasons, I was going to be having my baby somewhere I knew very few people, and all our families are overseas). My group just didn’t like one another, and drifted apart within weeks of the babies being born. It was mildly disappointing, sure, and I did have a more isolated maternity leave than is ideal, but it’s a bit mad to blame other people for not becoming your friends because of some general idea that school gate /NCT friends are a big deal…?

Who knows @SpringerFall but it seems to be a common trope along the lines of school days being the best days of your life.

The thing is friendships change through your life.

For lots of people school friends are left behind when you move on to uni, uni friends as you move on to work. When you are living hours apart and perhaps only see people a couple of times a year, friendships dwindle & its normal for new friends to come into your life that are present in it now. New co-workers as you move job, new friends when you take up a hobby or move area and join a new club. New friends from among the school community when your children are there.

My DH couldn't give a toss to be honest. However, I would have liked to maintain some friendships but I am such an introvert and not very social that I struggle so it never really happened for me. However, I have noticed certain kids whose parents are "friends" tend to create little groups together. I think it's a personal choice but see nothing wrong with wanting to create friendship groups.

Each of my kids is in class of 30, there are probably 80 or so individual parents across the two. its a village and to an extent has a quite homogenous population, increasing the likelihood of having a lot in common with the other parents and quite simply liking them.

Its not forced!

I find mnet slightly weird. Its a bit
"Aibu to not want to be friends/socialise with any of my colleagues"
"Aibu to not want to be friends/socialise with my nct group"
"Aibu to not want to be friends/socialise with school mums"

Who is everyone friends with

We can make friends at any time in life. The school gates are one of many opportunities. So it's completely normal that many parents will want to / will develop friendships with fellow parents. It's also fine if people don't want to.
I don't understand the "but why would I WANT to make friends with these people?!" Brigade who seem to think that these friendships are weird. Or that groups of mums who are in a friendship group are a "clique".

I have some amazing friends that I made 10yrs ago when my eldest started school. At the same time, I made less effort when my second started as I wasn't feeling as sociable. But I still have a couple of good friends from that year and certainly don't begrudge the wider friendship group that formed. They're all nice and I'll happily chat when I see them.

OMG! I had moved from
down south up to Manchester and was really excited to have the chance to meet other mums as I only have one child.
At first, sime seemed friendly enough to but soon I realised most of them had grown up locally, and already knew one another a bit.
I felt very isolated and was ignored. It did hurt my feelings as I had high hopes.
There was one lovely lady whose son became close friends with mine. He had a nice group of friends in the end.
It didn't do much for my insecurity 😳

If you’ve got to adulthood and still need to have your clique and exclude other mums for being “foreign” (one PPs example) you’ve got more issues than someone who hoped to make friends. I’m not particularly bothered about being included but there’s nothing wrong with the mums hoping to make friends and build connections.

Lots of people on MN are deeply weird when it comes to all matters friend or social skills related. People who don't answer the door, expect people to text in advance of a phone call, who have no friends, don't want friends, view friendship as tit-for-tat transactions - it's never ending.

God, you sound unpleasant.

Not answering the door has nothing to do with social skills or introvert/extrovert whatsoever.

Plenty of people don't like phone calls, anyone who has a job knows this - also, see above.

Calling people weird because they can't make friends comes across as school playground bullying

People who don't want friends are bothering anyone. Or maybe they do but put on a defence. No need to call them weird.

Friendships should be give and take to an extent.

If you've already got hang ups around friendship and being excluded from groups (whether real or imagined), then when your child starts school you are going to be hyper vigilant for any perceived slight

This is me a bit tbh - I was bullied horribly at school about my appearance and it has left me with lifelong insecurities. I have had quite a lot of therapy and I am fairly successful at recognising that this is a "me" problem not a them problem. I have managed to produce a son who is attractive and popular (people regularly express surprise I am his mother 😑) and so despite my poor social skills he's got lots of friends and I have managed to connect with a couple of the mums.

I think had I had a child with their own social issues the whole thing would have been very traumatic and I may have felt quite differently.

Sorry for the essay - I think I am just saying let's all be nice to each other where we can.

I think the kids hear what the parents are bitching about, other mums about other mums etc and it can have a knock on effect with the children. We have to watch our words around kids, kids bullying can be picked up from parents behaviours.

I worked full time whilst my kids were at primary school, I dropped them off at 7.45am and picked them up at 5.15pm for years. I rarely saw another soul!!
To be honest I didn't want the faff of making conversations/friends at school, I already had enough friends through work/life in general and didn't have time for hours of chit chat outside the school gates.
The odd occasion when I had a day off and picked the kids up straight after school I was mostly ignored as people had already found their tribe, that suited me just fine!

Absolutely agreed with this OP, until yesterday.
When my DD9 came home upset that her best friend wasn't allowed to invite DD to her birthday as 'my mum doesn't like your mum, and I have been told parents are coming to my birthday party too, so as my mum doesn't like yours you can't come". BF was also quite upset about this, and at home time they were both crying, but I didn't find out reason until we got home. BF's mum has no issue with my DD, and they often have 1:1 playdates at ours or theirs. BF is a lovely girl.

So I feel sad that because I am not one of the in mums (i do have mum friends, but not this particular group) my daughter is being excluded. I don't care what they think of me, but to see my DD upset because of this is a shame.

But doesn’t that just mean you encountered a slightly odd woman? The same could have happened with a colleague, or a friend of a friend.

I find it strange that you say “Some school mums are downright odd” as if this is a peculiarity of mothers. Aren’t there a lot of odd women, and men, out there, regardless of whether they have children? It seems to be a habit on here for posters to describe someone as “a mum” rather than “a woman”, as if it’s a separate category.

That is absolutely awful!!! I can’t believe they would outright tell their child that!! If I told my daughter that she would be horrified and opt to have no party at all. And she’s only 10! I’m sorry that has happened @Bushmillsbabe

If you’re a SAHM, it’s one of the opportunities you get to meet potential friends. I agree that people shouldn’t make it into the be-all end-all of socializing, but of course it’s nice to get along well with your child’s classmates’ parents.

Well if they disapprove of you, then they would probably discourage their DCs friendship with yours, so people get a bit anxious if they feel that may be the case I suppose.
I was like you, drop and run to work, so it was never an issue for me. I was barely known so people would be neutral towards me. However, if you're more visible, then you're on the radar, so susceptible to judgement which could impact your DC.

How sad and petty if the other mum.

I don't care about their attention or approval. I'd just quite like them not to threaten to beat up me and my kid