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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking kids abroad

84 replies

mumspiration1997 · 16/05/2024 12:30

AIBU?

My husbands sister is getting married in Greece in September. I have a chronic fear of flying. Never been on a plane since I had to get taken off one by medics. However , he wants to bring out 2 boys. 5 and I. His whole family going and I really really would love to be there for my sis-in-law however I just have to accept I can't go. I don't want my boys that far away from me and I don't want them missing out. Help! Would you let them go and spent the week pacing the floors?

OP posts:
rwa818 · 16/05/2024 13:45

Sorry but I think YABU too, the kids shouldn't miss out on a family occasion and they'll be fine with your DH and loads of family around to help. I know you'll miss them but it's your issue that means you don't want them to go. At least let the 5 yo go (the 1 yo won't remember anyway)
Seriously though can you work on your fear? Or take some Valium?
Even if not for this occasion then for all the family holidays you'll miss out on because you don't want to fly.

Oriunda · 16/05/2024 13:55

'Around the world'?! It's Greece, not Australia!

Please do seek help for your phobia. DH's best friend's wife won't fly. She missed our wedding. They have to go everywhere by car or train. The friend is desperate to take a longer trip, but she refuses to get help. So limiting for them and their daughter (who's now at university; I really hope she will travel now but I doubt it). So easy to transmit these fears to your children.

alpinia · 16/05/2024 13:56

I've heard the British Airways courses for this are really excellent and not very expensive considering how much it could improve your life. Why don't you try one of those? A flight is included in each course so you can see the success of your training. It's worth looking at fixing the root of the problem as this will not be the only time your fear could prevent you from doing something fun with your family.

crackofdoom · 16/05/2024 14:03

Is there any reason you wouldn't consider going overland? It's Greece, not Australia!

(For those interested, there is a problem in that trains through the Balkans and in Greece are severely messed up at the moment. Either track upgrades, or "Balkan incompetence" according to the man in Seat 61. Best way is probably to catch a ferry from Italy).

It could be such an adventure for you all!

brunettemic · 16/05/2024 14:04

The issue is yours and nobody else’s. There’s zero reason for them not to go, unless you don’t believe your husband to be a capable parent.

SinnerBoy · 16/05/2024 14:16

PatriciaHolm · Today 12:58

Thats "Ath", in Belgium. Well, the first link was before you edited it ;-)

Ooh, you were quick! Oddly, it was the second in the list, first one was flights, even though I specified trains... I posted and thought wtf? And got another.

Coconutter24 · 16/05/2024 14:21

Yes I’d let them go with their dad on holiday if I decided I couldn’t go. It would be extremely selfish to not allow it because you have a fear of flying. Your children (and DH) shouldn’t have to miss out on events like this. You should really try get some help if it’s that bad

Natsash · 16/05/2024 14:24

They should absolutely go, I wouldn't even think them not going would be an option.
If I've got a family occasion in my home country and the opportunity to go (time off/funds etc) and my partner declines/can't attend, there would be no discussion about him ALLOWING me to take our child.

It works both ways, my partners family is organising a group holiday to Greece this summer. I'm still waiting for annual leave approval at work, but if it gets declined, they are still going to go without me.

I don't know if it's the wording of it but unless there are safeguarding concerns, other commitments or school fines to consider it's not really fair to deny one parent the right to take their kids somewhere.

I'd try to seek medical advice so you can go with them, but if GP doesn't manage to help with the fear of flying then you will have to get used to the fact that once in a while you need to let go and let dad parent.

HcbSS · 16/05/2024 15:11

Phobias are horrible but your children and husband can’t miss out because of something that affects only you. You will have to suck up missing them. Keep busy, take on extra work that week or hobbies.
what treatment are you getting for your phobia. This can be cured or at least improved for the future.

HcbSS · 16/05/2024 15:24

mumspiration1997 · 16/05/2024 12:47

Thanks. Il look into hypnotherapy. Fully aware I can't stop them living there lives. DS will be 11 months actually at the time so I would be a lot happier if he could stay with me if unable to go. Does this sound reasonable? My m.i.l wants him there for a family photo. But my husband has been working in another country on and off for 6months and hasn't spent a lot of time with DS so would be worried it would be a very stressful week for everyone including DH and DS.

Yes, unreasonable. He is as much your husband’s child as yours.

5foot5 · 16/05/2024 15:25

mitogoshi · 16/05/2024 13:10

Note that option 1 on this list describes a direct train from Paris to Milan. That's not possible at the moment owing to a major landslide that happened last year. However you can get there by going via Zurich. DH and I did it last month when we travelled to the Italian Lakes by train. The journey from Zurich to Milan was great through the Alps and past Lake Lugano.

poppymango · 16/05/2024 15:31

Have you tried hypnosis to help you get over your fear? It would be a real shame if it kept getting in the way of lovely family experiences in the future.

AmiShitsaline · 16/05/2024 15:33

I think 11 months is too young to go, your DH will have a hard time parenting a 5yr old and a baby (I would say this about a mum too). If it was MY DH I would be very confident he would be fine with the 5yr old as he is safety conscious and aware, but I find a lot of dads are not so good assessing safety sometimes and especially if he is not used to looking after them alone.

The problem with being at a family event is that everyone thinks someone else is watching the child and that’s where accidents can occur or the child can go missing. I would be really concerned if there is a pool for example.

Flossflower · 16/05/2024 15:42

You can get to Greece by coach. I did it a lot when I was young and before the days of budget airlines. It takes about 3 days.
I don’t think there is any need for your youngest to go. It won’t get anything out of it. So maybe your husband could just take the oldest.

NamingConundrum · 16/05/2024 15:54

Hopefully this is a wake up call for you about how your phobia can affect your kids. What if there are more group holidays? MIL gets an inheritance and wants to take all the families to disney world for 2 weeks? They miss out. Be it on the experience or on having you there with them for it. Your husband has been away for 6 months on and off so presumably not been there much for 5yo either. Your poor 5yo either misses out or has to go without his main caregiver.

whynotwhatknot · 16/05/2024 15:54

not sure about 11 mont old bit young seeing as dad isnt around much an having a picture is a crap reason

you can get medication or or a fear of flying course you have time

Revelatio · 16/05/2024 16:03

Surely this is the perfect opportunity for the dad to step up if he hasn’t seen the 1yr old much. He’s the father, if you don’t trust your husband with his own child I think there are bigger problems. I think it would be a great opportunity for him to have some quality time with his children if he is away a lot.

DottieMoon · 16/05/2024 16:06

You are being massively unreasonable. I get you have a real fear of flying and cannot go but it would be extremely selfish of you to stop your children going. It wouldn’t be fair on your DH,
your children or his family. Why would you even think it would reasonable for them to suffer because of your phobia?

Choochoo21 · 16/05/2024 16:09

DS will be 11 months actually at the time so I would be a lot happier if he could stay with me if unable to go. Does this sound reasonable?

YABVU

Why should your DS miss out, or his sibling, dad and wider family miss out on him being there, just because you’re not going.

Stop being selfish.
If I was DH I would be very upset that you think I’m a bad parent.

To put your mind at rest, why not get DH to book the same flight as other family members so they can help with the kids.

RoachFish · 16/05/2024 16:21

I think it would depend on how much time your husband can spend with your youngest between now and September. I think at minimum your husband and oldest should go, but perhaps keep your youngest at home as it sounds like it would coincide roughly with when babies develop separation anxiety (9-10 months) so it might not be that great for any of you if he goes and is inconsolable. Also, if your husband has been away a lot it's great for your 5 year old to get some quality alone time with him too.

SENparent96 · 16/05/2024 16:24

I would let the 5 year old go and keep the 1 year old at home - they will probably miss you the most as too young to understand what’s going on and will probably struggle with a wedding environment - they’re not fun for a child that age.

HereILayStillAndBreathless · 16/05/2024 17:24

How can you not 'allow' them to go? Are they solely your kids, he's not their father? If he is, what right do you have to forbid dad taking his kids to holiday/wedding? By that logic, what if the next time you want to go somewhere as a family (within UK, say), your husband can't (work/whatever), so he'd just 'forbid' you too, as he 'cannot be separated from his kids for so long'. Would that be ok?

Loopylouie · 16/05/2024 17:55

I am much more frightened on busy motorways than on a flight. I understand your fear though and Îm sorry you have to live with it.

Perfect28 · 16/05/2024 17:56

They should go and so should you. Your fear is irrational.

socks1107 · 16/05/2024 17:57

You should absolutely let them go. They will have a brilliant time.
Work on your fear of flying and if you can't you'll need to learn to wave them off with a smile and let them enjoy this holiday and those in the future that your husband may want to take them on. Having a fear is awful but you shouldn't hold others back because of it