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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to my inlaws (let alone stay the night!) before DS is bigger?

70 replies

angel1976 · 03/04/2008 21:58

Ok, just need to get this off my chest...

Usually, I love my inlaws and they adore DS as he is their first grandchild... They live about an hour's drive away... Since he was born, we have been to theirs for the day twice, once when he was literally a week old and the other when he was 2 weeks old. This is really due to pressure from them - you should come visit, we will cook a meal and you can relax blah blah blah... The second time was because my FIL was due to have a day op the following week and wanted to see him. They have also come to see him quite a few times, to be fair.

Anyway, I put my foot down after the second time as I think he is way too young to be making the journeys and in all honesty, the journey stresses me out. DS is so tiny and we haven't established a routine yet so I feed him before we go but at the very early stage, it was hard to predict when and how much he wanted to eat as I was bf-ing then. Also, the last time we were there, my inlaws have gone out and bought a changing mat, diapers, steriliser, bottles and formula (even though I was bf-ing then!) and FIL told me that they were going to 'send us to rest' and if DS was hungry, they would give him a bottle of formula! I was understandably upset as I was exclusive bf-ing and trying to establish bf-ing then (and didn't need a sabotage!). It didn't happen as I refused to leave the room! LOL!

I told DH that no way are we making the journey again until I am ready. So we haven't since and they have been to see us. I felt quite sorry for MIL as she doesn't work, really adores DS and we haven't really invited them to us since easter. So we called last night to ask if they wanted to come visit. Of course they turn it round and ask us to come to them this Sunday instead. And that we should come and stay the night blah blah blah...

WTF? I am seriously pissed off that there is this constant pressure for us to go and see them. We have a 6-week-old baby for crying out loud! And to stay overnight? You are joking right... As it is, I have difficulty getting out of my dressing gown during the day. The last thing I want is the stress of being in someone else's house and being pressured to do things THEIR way (For example, I was told they used to make up 6 bottles of formula - I am FF now... - in the fridge and warm them up to feed to DH and his sister. Fair enough but it's not what I CHOOSE to do, I rather make the formula milk FRESH...). Also, I hate the way my FIL rocks DS while he is feeding him. Not to mention, he constantly puts DS in the crook between his legs in a certain manner that his dad used to do to DH and his sister. DS hates it! DS got his revenge the last time they came to visit as he bawled his eyes out when FIL was carrying him (and I was told by my MIL it's normal for them to cry like that) but quietened down the moment I took him into my arms.

We have a friend's baby's christening to go to in less than 3 week's time in their hometown and I KNOW we will be pressured again to go and stay the weekend. Argh! I wish they would just let it go and we will stay over when we are ready! Thank goodness DH is supportive of me.

Surely it's reasonable for me to expect them to come to us if they want to see their grandson when he is so tiny? I don't expect I want to stay over ANYWHERE till DS is at least 3 months old! Argh!!!! Any response I can give to them without sounding completely rude? I am so close to losing it to them, I don't even want to speak to them now...

OP posts:

Desiderata · 03/04/2008 22:03

I'm sorry, but you're over-reacting hugely. A baby is not a curse ... and frankly, the sooner you get back to doing regular stuff, like car journeys, etc., the better.

Believe me, you really don't want to alienate grandparents. They come in bloody handy.

CescaD · 03/04/2008 22:12

Err - yeah - I would have lost the plot at the stage where they bought formula for my bf baby. Grrrr

You are probably best not taking any advice from me as I am not currently even on speaking terms with the in-laws, however I think you should stick to your guns. They should visit you, on your terms. Those early weeks with a new born are a complete maze and you need to stick with what you are happiest doing.

Personally I did travel around and take the baby on a grand tour of all her relatives but it was really hard work and I don't think that should be expected of you in those early weeks.

Best of luck

Original poster

angel1976 · 03/04/2008 22:16

Hi,

Trust me, we have taken DS to places! He's been to theirs, we have taken them to our friends' and even to a restaurant so we do go out and about...

What annoys me about the inlaws is they want us to go to them like every weekend and no way as we have a life and we want to visit friends and friends want to come and see us!

When we said no to staying over at easter because we had a whole load of friends coming and we were going to a friend's place as they were leaving the country for good... they got all narky about it... They came to visit one day but went on about not staying too long as they might be 'intruding'!

I just don't think it's unreasonable to expect things to happen on my turf while DS is so small! When he is bigger, they can have him for the weekend etc. Just not straightaway! I am still so attached to him!

OP posts:

littlegreyrabbit · 03/04/2008 22:17

erm... it's only an hour away. New babes travel really quite easily (even pfbs)and you don't need to stay the night.

A little bit unreasonable - sorry.

SmugColditz · 03/04/2008 22:18

You're being very silly.

Kewcumber · 03/04/2008 22:18

I don;t think this is anything to do with DS or how big he is - he is actually far more portable now than he will ever be again.

The issue is that that you don't yet have the confidence/routine to deal with you in-laws special brand of help.

I think your DH should be honest with them "we are still in the early days of bonding as a family and find it stressful being away form home for too long at the moment, however we'd love you to come over and see us more often until we are more settled and feel like doing a bit more travlling"

bozza · 03/04/2008 22:19

I think YABU. OK not to the overnight bit - it is hardly that far away. But no reason why you shouldn't go over there for a few hours and a meal. I think an hour's journey is not that hard on a baby who will probably sleep. And I speak as one with ILs an hour away - and parents further away. When DD was 6 weeks old we travelled from Yorkshire to Cornwall for a week's holiday.

OTOH it works both ways - and there is no reason why they can't take their turns at coming to you. Also on the formula thing I too would have been and not left the room, so that bit YANBU, but I would try and put that bit in the past now.

cherryredretrochick · 03/04/2008 22:20

Are you feeling OK, you sound very stressed.

schmoopoo · 03/04/2008 22:22

An hours drive isn't far. Do it but say no overnights and I am breast feeding etc you might be glasd of there help and break soon

cat64 · 03/04/2008 22:22

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SmugColditz · 03/04/2008 22:22

They aren't taking him off you, they are offering you a safe place to rest and recuperate while they cook, clean and take baby for short walks. basically, they are offering to do the donkey work, and let you get on with the feeding and nurturing of the baby. You don't need a routine, you don't need squillions of equipment and a travel itinerary, if baby is breastfed all you need are nappies, if bottle fed - well, they've set you up the equipment at their house, haven't they?

bung the baby in the car, go and wallow on their sofa, eat a nice hot lunch which you will no doubt be allowed to eat while it is still hot, and don't make the mistake I did of assuming everyone wants to take over your baby. They don't. They may want to look at your baby, or hold your baby, but they do not want to take him from you.

lizandlulu · 03/04/2008 22:22

hiya angel, i agree with you. it wouldnt kill them to come to you untill you are more comfortabley in a routine. being a mother stresses you out enough, without adding to it for no reason.

if you have already been to them a few times they should come to you.just tell them you are not comfortable staying over yet and need to be at home for a while.

AbbeyA · 03/04/2008 22:23

It is actually much easier to travel with a small baby than it will be later on.

CarGirl · 03/04/2008 22:23

you seem to be threatened by them wanting to spend time with you all. It's an hour way you don't need to spend the night but presumably you could see them every other weekend and alternate at which house? Perhaps it would be better to say no we can't do this weekend but we can do next weekend, or weekend after etc.

Can your mil come to you during the week, does it have to be at weekends?

BE honest with them, say you find it much easier in your own home at the moment.

cat64 · 03/04/2008 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lizandlulu · 03/04/2008 22:26

i think cargirl has it. if you are more comftable in your own home at the mo, that is what you should tell them.

Scoobi6 · 03/04/2008 22:26

I think YANBU, your baby is 6 weeks old so you must be knackered. Hole up in your dressing gown, bond with your lo, do whatever suits you!

Agree with Desiderata about not alienating grandparents though. DH and my families live a long way away and we don't see much of them, and we'd love to have family only an hour away and willing to help us out. Sounds like they are keen to help. Stick to your guns, but be tactful and kind about it maybe?

CescaD · 03/04/2008 22:28

It's all very well saying that it is easier to travel with a new baby than an older one but those early days at home are so important to you as a family - readjusting to everything. And your hormones are haywire, so whatever anyone says you are not being unreasonable. You have a newborn baby and I think for at least the first 3 months (if not longer!) you should call the shots about what you are and aren't prepared to do.

CarGirl · 03/04/2008 22:30

It's very hard to remember what it was like with PFB, I did take her own my own to my parents 280 miles away at less than 6 weeks old, and the 3rd & 4th just slotted in - up doing the school run at 8.30 at a couple of weeks old etc!

Please don't alienate them, perhaps invite them with we can't come up to you this weekend but we'd love you to come down either sat or sun?

Hulababy · 03/04/2008 22:30

The travel really shouldn't be an issue. It's a baby, babies are really portable - enjoy it while you can. far easier now than when he is a toddler IME.

And it is an hour away? We did an hour regularly from the first week. I was desperate to get out and be looked after and waited on. Was going mad stuck in the house!

And if only an hour away no need to stay over. Just go for the day and head home after dinner.

The formula thing is a bit off granted. I suspect they just thought they were helping. So long as, once you had said your breast feeding exclusively, they left it then I see no problem. And it was only very recently that you were told you could make up bottles in advance and keep them in the fridge - again tell them the new guidelines and they you are def following them - and make sure they stick to it.

It really does sound like they are just trying to be nice, to look after you and to bond with their new grandchild.

Remember you might want them as babysitters one day - keep them on your side as doting grandparents! My parents and PIls are an hour away - it is fab, they can come over and babysit so often with little trouble

cherryredretrochick · 03/04/2008 22:32

Whil;e logistically it may be easier to transport tiny baby I think you are a lot more aware of every little hitch and it can seem quite intimidating.
Angel you must stick to your guns if you are not comfortable but please be sure to ask for help if you still feel this way in a few months.

callmeovercautious · 03/04/2008 22:34

I would not drive an hour with a 2 week old. I did when she was about 6 weeks. We did not stay over until she was about 9m as she was a nightmare sleeper

You need to look after yourself. People staying with you/you staying with them is added pressure. I can hear the stress in your typing - get DH to talk to them and explain you are too exhausted and that they can come visit you but atm you will not be travelling. In a matter of weeks the situation will be different and you will be itching to get out and about. Your MIL will be a great help and a friend when LO is a bit older - your just need to work through the tiredness and hormones stage. Believe me I have been there, I shouted at my very lovely MIL when DD was 5weeks - I never shout at anyone - let alone her!

Every baby is different - to those that are questionning your OP - remember you are not in her shoes!

barnstaple · 03/04/2008 22:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you're not ready to take your baby that far then you're not ready. To be honest, they do sound a bit overwhelming, but htey're probably really excited.

I think it's perfectly understandable if you say that you're still establishing routines at home, and invite them to come to you, but they might expect you to be the hostess. My mum used to come over and do the ironing and washing up, make me cups of tea, etc. so I could rest and concentrate on dd. MIL used to come over and have me running about all over the place providing for her. So make sure your dh is prepared to step in and be helpful.

Scoobi6 · 03/04/2008 22:40

the experienced parents on here are saying it is much easier to transport a newborn than a toddler... which is true.

But for the op, and any new mum, it is much HARDER to transport a newborn than it was just jumping in the car pre-children. It is a complete change of lifestyle, can be very daunting, and takes some getting used to. I sympathise angel, I was there not long ago!

The first few months are precious and fly past, enjoy them and be as comfortable and relaxed as you can. If that means staying at home, then stay.

chunkychips · 03/04/2008 22:43

You've been over two weekends in six weeks and although an hour's drive isn't so bad (we live in london, so most places are at least an hour's drive in traffic!), it's not unreasonable for them to come over to you this time. I realise they'll be frantic to see him as much as poss, especially as he's their first grandchild though. Couldn't you just explain that the journey is very tiring at the moment and you feel more relaxed in your own home etc and invite them over again.

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