to not want to go to my inlaws (let alone stay the night!) before DS is bigger?

[angel1976]

Ok, just need to get this off my chest...

Usually, I love my inlaws and they adore DS as he is their first grandchild... They live about an hour's drive away... Since he was born, we have been to theirs for the day twice, once when he was literally a week old and the other when he was 2 weeks old. This is really due to pressure from them - you should come visit, we will cook a meal and you can relax blah blah blah... The second time was because my FIL was due to have a day op the following week and wanted to see him. They have also come to see him quite a few times, to be fair.

Anyway, I put my foot down after the second time as I think he is way too young to be making the journeys and in all honesty, the journey stresses me out. DS is so tiny and we haven't established a routine yet so I feed him before we go but at the very early stage, it was hard to predict when and how much he wanted to eat as I was bf-ing then. Also, the last time we were there, my inlaws have gone out and bought a changing mat, diapers, steriliser, bottles and formula (even though I was bf-ing then!) and FIL told me that they were going to 'send us to rest' and if DS was hungry, they would give him a bottle of formula! I was understandably upset as I was exclusive bf-ing and trying to establish bf-ing then (and didn't need a sabotage!). It didn't happen as I refused to leave the room! LOL!

I told DH that no way are we making the journey again until I am ready. So we haven't since and they have been to see us. I felt quite sorry for MIL as she doesn't work, really adores DS and we haven't really invited them to us since easter. So we called last night to ask if they wanted to come visit. Of course they turn it round and ask us to come to them this Sunday instead. And that we should come and stay the night blah blah blah...

WTF? I am seriously pissed off that there is this constant pressure for us to go and see them. We have a 6-week-old baby for crying out loud! And to stay overnight? You are joking right... As it is, I have difficulty getting out of my dressing gown during the day. The last thing I want is the stress of being in someone else's house and being pressured to do things THEIR way (For example, I was told they used to make up 6 bottles of formula - I am FF now... - in the fridge and warm them up to feed to DH and his sister. Fair enough but it's not what I CHOOSE to do, I rather make the formula milk FRESH...). Also, I hate the way my FIL rocks DS while he is feeding him. Not to mention, he constantly puts DS in the crook between his legs in a certain manner that his dad used to do to DH and his sister. DS hates it! DS got his revenge the last time they came to visit as he bawled his eyes out when FIL was carrying him (and I was told by my MIL it's normal for them to cry like that) but quietened down the moment I took him into my arms.

We have a friend's baby's christening to go to in less than 3 week's time in their hometown and I KNOW we will be pressured again to go and stay the weekend. Argh! I wish they would just let it go and we will stay over when we are ready! Thank goodness DH is supportive of me.

Surely it's reasonable for me to expect them to come to us if they want to see their grandson when he is so tiny? I don't expect I want to stay over ANYWHERE till DS is at least 3 months old! Argh!!!! Any response I can give to them without sounding completely rude? I am so close to losing it to them, I don't even want to speak to them now...

YANBU, if you don't want to go just yet, you don't have to but on the other hand i do agree with a lot of what the others have said, an hour isnt far for a baby in a car and it might be nice to get out of the house (I used to dread going out with ds when he was little, not for any reason than it meant I would have to wash my hair but it did make me feel more human again to get out and about and probably saved my sanity when ds was having a growth spurt!).

Can you not just say that you will come to theirs but just for the day, not to stay over? This isnt unreasonable.

Oh and just one other thing, even if your MIL was prefect in every way, as soon as you have a baby, you will find fault, I did and still do.. its territory/ hormones

LOL jojo... Yes, I think we will go over this Sunday for the day...

Though DS sleeps perfect at night in his amby (take that back MIL about it being a waste of money!), I love cuddling him in the day and only put him down when I have to... That's the other thing I am dreading - MIL harping on about them learning to nap on their own! Yeeks, god give me strength!

angel - you gave birth 6 weeks ago and you sound exhausted. an hours journey with a new baby doesn't sound much to those of us who's children are now a little older, but thinking back to what i was like when dd was 6 weeks old - of course they should come to you rather than the other way around!

It sounds like they're doing a lot of things to 'try and make your life easier' but are unwittingly adding to the problem. I think you need to be quietly firm about these issues with them, and if they truly want to help they will aquiesce a little. There are some things you have mentioned such as the knee jiggling which do make me think you're being a little pfb, but only when it comes to these things - when it comes to the more important stuff like who visits whom i think you've got a right to stand your ground.

i do remember what it's like at 6 weeks, don't worry: as the cliche goes 'it does get easier as they get older.'

YANBU! I could barely manage a trip to town when my DS was that age. I would never have driven an hour anywhere! You must do whatever you are comfortable with, you're the boss . x

I'm sitting here carrying DS (who has a cold ) thinking where the highly intelligent, perfectly capable woman I am/was went to? How does something so small and gorgeous wreck havoc in your life???????

angel they are deceptively complicated aren't they! They look small and tiny, just need food, nappies and cuddles etc but your whole life goes pear shaped.

Some people find it more straight forward than others. Personally I am pleased I survived DS's 1st year in one piece! Things change and you may well find the older baby / toddler stage much easier to deal with. I know I am! x

Sorry but YABU. An hours drive? That really is nothing. I travelled to Ireland from the UK with a 6 week old baby so that my MIL could see the baby - and I have no regrets in doing it, it made her so happy.

And I regularly drove to my mums who lives 1 1/2 to 2 hrs away from when DS was 4 weeks old.

You are happy to do it when your DC is older and it suits you more. If you mess things up now then they may not offer to take your DC for a weekend.

I understand friends are important, but I have found that it is family who actually come through with the practical help. Friends come and ohh and ahh over your baby and leave. Think you have a bit of PFB syndrome going on....

YABU. I know your baby is tiny, but to criticse the PIL for rocking your DS or holding him 'wrongly' seems quite mean. Of course your DS prefers to be in your arms - he's a tiny baby - but that doesn't mean the in-laws are holding him wrongly! You sound quite stressed - try and chill out, try and let other people look after both you and your DS and see their offers for what they are: attempts to be kind, no matter how cack-handed, and attempts to be a part of your life now that you have a baby.

Be honest, explain you don't fancy travelling just yet and keep 'em sweet: as others have pointed out, you'll be only too glad for their help a few months down the line...

YABU, but hey wev'e all been there!

YANBU. When I was breast feeding newborns any journey used to stress me out. Always worrying about finding a place to stop to feed, any sound from the back and there was the massive search for a safe place to park etc. Dont feel pressured into doing anything you dont feel ready for.

TBH I get really fed up with other people telling me I SHOULD be ready for this and I SHOULD be ready for that and I SHOULD take advantage of this etc etc etc. Do what YOU want.

Yeah, you should really be able to do what you want. It's not such a crime.

no I don't think you are being unreasonable at all
you should be resting, getting to know ds and having the occasional visitor as you feel ready for them
why on earth should you be travelling to see them when you have a newborn?

Yes you're being unreasonable but that's because you're trying to find your own way as a mother and don't sound too confident in yourself yet. You are therefore over-reacting to what your PILs do just because it's not quite what you want to do and because you presumably don't like the idea of your baby being out of your arms etc. It will get easier though - try and relax and accept their offers of help; there will be times later on when you're more confident and ready for a bit of your "old" life back that you will be very grateful for an hour or so without baby!

YANBU. You take your time! Not everybody is up to visiting and travelling even one mile so soon after birth. Some are, some aren't. Doesn't make you unreasonable just because some on MN travelled miles and miles at the same stage.

I think it's very natural for a mother to feel uncomfortable when her baby cries in someone else's arms. It's instinctive to want to stop your baby crying especially if you see someone else not doing what you know will soothe the child.

its onyl anhour away fgs
get a life

What a lovely and sympathetic response DJCod - big fan of the "Tough Love" approach are you?

I sometimes think that the reason some people post on MNet is they get to be as rude as they like without getting a slap.

It was, how shall we say, a rather brisk response!

When our DS was born we lived an hour and a half away and I felt EXACTLY the same as you if we went to stay. MIL would come into our room in the middle of the night if DS was coughing to make sure we had heard him. He was right next to our bed! I also got irritated if they held him differently to me, questioned how much he was feeding, how he was fed etc.

It was only when he became a little older that I realised that I was slightly unreasonable, they were actually only ever concerned about him and MIL was generally interested at how things have changed.

However if you do not feel comfortable at taking a six week old on an hours drive then don't do it. Not everyone feels happy to be out of the house all day with a tiny baby. I used to have this obbsession of being home for the afternoon all the time!

Invite them to you again, if they protest ask if they could come to you and bring dinner, as was said in an earlier post Grandparents will be invaluable in years to come. I now happily ship mine off for the weekend to them.

congratulations on your baby btw. x

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the comments (even the mean one...). I think everyone has a point, we are all different and have different comfort zones. I've never been good in a car (car sick as a kid) and I guess car journeys stress me out and an hour is long for me.

Also, my parents are overseas like I said and part of me resents that my inlaws get to do what my parents should be doing... Always been the independent sort, DS came down with a cold today and I am finding it hard to cope without my family around me. Never thought I will feel this way.

I think I am going to let this one lie now... Thanks for all your comments. I will keep the inlaws happy. I do love them but at the moment, trying to cope with a little baby AND dealing with them feels a little too much at times.

Also angel at first I was a bit wary of saying anythin to MIL but honestly when it is your children you do get tougher with people who don't stick to your way.
You will eventually be able to quietly stand up to them when they are being a little over-whelming.