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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to my inlaws (let alone stay the night!) before DS is bigger?

70 replies

angel1976 · 03/04/2008 21:58

Ok, just need to get this off my chest...

Usually, I love my inlaws and they adore DS as he is their first grandchild... They live about an hour's drive away... Since he was born, we have been to theirs for the day twice, once when he was literally a week old and the other when he was 2 weeks old. This is really due to pressure from them - you should come visit, we will cook a meal and you can relax blah blah blah... The second time was because my FIL was due to have a day op the following week and wanted to see him. They have also come to see him quite a few times, to be fair.

Anyway, I put my foot down after the second time as I think he is way too young to be making the journeys and in all honesty, the journey stresses me out. DS is so tiny and we haven't established a routine yet so I feed him before we go but at the very early stage, it was hard to predict when and how much he wanted to eat as I was bf-ing then. Also, the last time we were there, my inlaws have gone out and bought a changing mat, diapers, steriliser, bottles and formula (even though I was bf-ing then!) and FIL told me that they were going to 'send us to rest' and if DS was hungry, they would give him a bottle of formula! I was understandably upset as I was exclusive bf-ing and trying to establish bf-ing then (and didn't need a sabotage!). It didn't happen as I refused to leave the room! LOL!

I told DH that no way are we making the journey again until I am ready. So we haven't since and they have been to see us. I felt quite sorry for MIL as she doesn't work, really adores DS and we haven't really invited them to us since easter. So we called last night to ask if they wanted to come visit. Of course they turn it round and ask us to come to them this Sunday instead. And that we should come and stay the night blah blah blah...

WTF? I am seriously pissed off that there is this constant pressure for us to go and see them. We have a 6-week-old baby for crying out loud! And to stay overnight? You are joking right... As it is, I have difficulty getting out of my dressing gown during the day. The last thing I want is the stress of being in someone else's house and being pressured to do things THEIR way (For example, I was told they used to make up 6 bottles of formula - I am FF now... - in the fridge and warm them up to feed to DH and his sister. Fair enough but it's not what I CHOOSE to do, I rather make the formula milk FRESH...). Also, I hate the way my FIL rocks DS while he is feeding him. Not to mention, he constantly puts DS in the crook between his legs in a certain manner that his dad used to do to DH and his sister. DS hates it! DS got his revenge the last time they came to visit as he bawled his eyes out when FIL was carrying him (and I was told by my MIL it's normal for them to cry like that) but quietened down the moment I took him into my arms.

We have a friend's baby's christening to go to in less than 3 week's time in their hometown and I KNOW we will be pressured again to go and stay the weekend. Argh! I wish they would just let it go and we will stay over when we are ready! Thank goodness DH is supportive of me.

Surely it's reasonable for me to expect them to come to us if they want to see their grandson when he is so tiny? I don't expect I want to stay over ANYWHERE till DS is at least 3 months old! Argh!!!! Any response I can give to them without sounding completely rude? I am so close to losing it to them, I don't even want to speak to them now...

OP posts:

Guitargirl · 03/04/2008 22:45

I think Colditz is right in the fear often experienced by new Mums that others (often in-laws as they are not part of Mum's blood relations and therefore kind of seen as 'alien' even if you got on really well pre-baby) want to somehow take over the baby.

I can say this with the benefit of hindsight as I had similar feelings when DD was newborn - now with the 'huge' experience of, ooo, 15 months (!), I can see that hormones (and probably exhaustion) definitely played their part. Now am still knackered but the hormones have stabilised a bit and I can see things with different eyes.

Maybe you could arrange to meet them for Sunday lunch somewhere and a walk afterwards? Pick a time when DS is likely to be asleep and then you can relax and eat in peace, you are not on 'their turf' and no-one has any dishes!

scanner · 03/04/2008 22:50

This is your first baby I presume?

bellabelly · 03/04/2008 23:04

Agree with previous posters that you should do what feels right for you. BUT I also think you sound a bit unreasonable when you say your mil got "narky" over Easter, saying they wouldn't stay long as they didn't want to "intrude". Surely this is actually quite considerate behaviour on their part? Or am I missing something?

wobbegong · 03/04/2008 23:08

YANBU. Don't travel about the place if it makes you stressed or disrupts routines, feeding etc. Your time with a little baby is so stressful anyway; do what you want and what works for you. Your PILs are seeing their precious grandchild far more than my parents or PILs see theirs, and mine are perfectly happy with the arrangement.

WinkyWinkola · 03/04/2008 23:19

YANBU. Don't allow your worries to be dismissed as you being silly or over reacting. This is a tricky time for a lot of new mums.

It sounds to me like you need some time to yourself to establish your new life with your baby.

You don't sound confident in your bfing and haven't worked out how to respond to people like your PIL who think FF is best as that's what they did.

You also sound like you are making a big effort to see your PIL with the new baby. Good for you but I think they should be coming to see you and only staying for the afternoon and then going home or staying in a hotel. He's only six weeks old and you probably need a lot more time to establish yourself as a parent and the approaches you want to take.

Don't panic when your DS is being rocked by FIL. And don't listen to anyone who tells you it's normal for babies to cry like that. It's obviously not normal for your baby to cry like that and it's not making you happy. Take the baby from FIL.

Assert yourself gently. That way you don't offend but you are happy that your parenting is being respected. If your baby is crying, just say, "Aw, he wants his mum. All babies want their mums and dads," and take the little lad. Nobody is going to argue with you.

Same with the feeding issue. Just tell them you'd prefer to make up his feeds. Or that you're breastfeeding and don't need formula. "But thank you very much for helping though."

The new parenting stage is such a tricky time. New mums can feel walked over and hassled by other people who are well meaning but clumsy. It can cause rifts for a long time. It's best to deal with it now rather than let resentment simmer.

lispy · 03/04/2008 23:24

You have given them a third of your precious weekends so i wouldn't feel guilty at all. We were in a similar situation and to be honest i never felt i could just relax. I assume your partner works during the week, don't get to a year down the road and realise more than half your weekends have been used satisfying other family members. May i suggest inviting them to lunch at a baby friendly restaurant from time to time. THis will make your weekends much nicer!

geek3 · 03/04/2008 23:33

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Everyone is different. Some new mothers like to have others 'take control' for a few hours/a day/weekend while they rest, others can feel that they need/want to assert themselves as the primary care-giver, want to establish routines for their own sanity and generally find they feel stressed and pressurised at the thought of being expected to take a small baby off to stay the night. I was one of thee people so I appreciate how you feel.

Yes babies are very portable but if you really dont enjoy it at the moment I really don;t see why you have to make excuses otherwise. When my firstborn was 6 weeks old I loved weekends just so as I could spend it relaxing with my DH and not feel we had' to do anything. My family and inlaws lived slightly father away - 3-4 hours - and yes the baby slept fo the most part but I hated feeling I had to be up and dressed etc I generally disliked not being able to totally relax and I needed my own time and staying at someones house, I felt I had to expalin myself when I just wanted to go and lay down with my baby for an hour or 2 iyswim.

And basicaly, if you really are not enjoying these particular trips for the moment then you will make mountains out of molehills and you will get stressed and panikity over silly small thngs and you will look for problems where there aren't any, I can totally understand that and I sympathise.

You don't need to look for reasons and excuses to justify how you feel at the moment and forcing yourself into situations that make you unhappy isnt helping anyone. As i said, evryone is different and some will think you unreasonable and others won;t but basically it doesn;t really matter as you have to do what you want as the last thing the baby needs is a stressed out,tired and miserable mum. I am sure given time you will look forward to these trips as I eventualy did, but being put under pressure whether its deemed reaosnable or not isnt going to help

geek3 · 03/04/2008 23:33

edam · 03/04/2008 23:57

YAB a little bit U but you are a new mother who is hormonal and exhausted and coping with enormous stuff so you are allowed. Just make sure you don't piss them off too much... you will be very, very glad of their help in years to come when you really want a night out with dh or just another pair of hands.

lilolilmanchester · 04/04/2008 00:15

Haven't read all the responses, but we travelled a lot with ours right from being tiny (my parents lived 2 1/2 hours away and my ILs 4 hours). Consequently our children have been brilliant travellers all their lives. Is there more to this than the actual travelling?

ladymariner · 04/04/2008 00:26

I think yabu, you should be grateful really that your ILs are so caring. Ok, they may go over the top but they strike me as just trying to make things easy for you. I know its hard with a new baby, but he's your baby, nobody is going to take him off you, they just want to be involved. Could your dh not have a tactful word and say that you'd love to come over but you're trying to establish a routine so could they just go along with what you're doing, please?
Good luck, xxxx

Think I'm a bit envious really, my mil doesn't give a shit, says she does but then words are easy, aren't they??

MsPontipine · 04/04/2008 00:36

YANBU. Your inlaws sound lovely and sound like all they want to do is help and be supportive but are just going about it in a way that's getting you down. Bless them.

You're going to be ok. A few months and it'll all be 2nd nature. You'll be popping about no probs, become more adaptable, doing this and that and your life will begin to take on a spot of normality again.

But for now. These 1st few months are so precious and you are entitled to spend them as you see best. Your body's recovering, I do think hormones play a big part too, you are getting to know ds and ds is getting to know you. You're learning a new routine. The last thing you want to do is turn your little world upside down - if only for one night. It's a magic time. You only get it once.

As for staying at other people's houses - I hated it pre my ds so def wouldn't want to start doing it now!

Get that dressing gown on and treasure every charmed second of these special days xx

NaughtyNigel · 04/04/2008 01:00

This is your first baby isn't it?
but you really you do sound v upset and yes DS is still very new and no if you don't want to travel far and just want to spend time at home together why not? the in-laws will have plenty of time in the future to spend with DS.
now deep breath........and relax!

WinkyWinkola · 04/04/2008 07:12

And if your in laws get pissed off with you not wanting to travel to stay with them then they are very unreasonable!

uberalice · 04/04/2008 08:09

YANBU. The first couple of months with your first baby are terrifying (IME) and whilst experienced parents wouldn't bat an eyelid at going away for a night, it can be quite an ordeal for a new parent. I does sound like your ILs are trying to take over a bit. Take your time and when you're ready you can start venturing out a bit more, on your own terms.

foofi · 04/04/2008 08:16

YABU - they're only an hour away. Babies are fairly portable you know. If you don't want to stay overnight, then don't, but I don't see any reason to not visit.

cory · 04/04/2008 08:25

It does sound like maybe the big problem is your feeling that they are trying to take over.

As for how much travelling you feel up to, that is no doubt an individual thing. Some of us travelled a lot with young babies, either because we didn't find it stressful or because there genuinely wasn't a choice, but if it's stressing you out and you have a choice, then probably not a good idea.

Just be careful how you phrase it to ILs so as not to upset them. Tell them you'll be along later and that you do want them to be included, but that you're still needing a bit more time to get used to baby routines. And don't suggest that there is anything outrageous in itself in their suggesting that you should go for an hour in a car with a 6 week old (not self-evident). Just explain that you haven't fully recovered.

FruitfulOfFruit · 04/04/2008 08:39

I'm on my third baby and he is 16 weeks and I am just about thinking I'd drive an hour to visit my parents. It has more to do with what the visit will be like than the length of the journey though! I'm quite ready to drive 4 hours to visit the inlaws .

But when he was 6 weeks old I wouldn't have done it - depends how big your baby is, but the less time they spend in a carseat, the better, in the first couple of months.

So, in 6 weeks, you've been to them twice and they've been to you "quite a few times". Um, that seems like plenty of visits to me. You are stressed because you haven't been to them "since Easter". Err, that was 2 weeks ago. And they have been to you in that time. I'm not surprised you are stressed. Tell them to back off and you'll see them in a month or so!

Also I understand what evveryone is saying about letting the grandparents hold the baby while you have a break. But if your baby is yelling his head off while they hold him, and quietens down when they give him back, thats not a rest, thats major stress!

You never get this time again - you, your dh and your precious, precious firstborn newborn babe. Don't waste it. Stay home in your pjs and cuddle.

Ineedacleaner · 04/04/2008 08:42

You are and you aren't. I can totally relate to the feelings you have I was a bit the same with MIL when dd was frst born. I did eventually realise that although maybe a little misguided her intentions were good. There will be a time when you are grateful for their help and the fact that they want to be spoiling you a bit by cooking and running about after you.

I do have to agree though that speaking from experience a small baby is was more portbale than an older baby/toddler. Right now they just kind of go along with it and usually fall asleep.

You also said that you do take your baby places so is it just your IL's you are not keen on seeing?

You op does sound a bit manic and a bit ott for the situation but that is totally understandable you have a small baby and are still getting used to it but please do try to keep the IL's onside.
Also you said they could have the baby overnight when he is a bit older so it may be wise to cultivate the ralationship with them now and make your ds familiar with their house right from the start so it is always a home from home for him rather than later whn you want a night off and he won't settle because he is in a strange place.

The easter weekend when they said they wouldn't stay as the might intrude I actually felt incredibly sorry for them actually they appear to have been made to feel pretty unwelcome but despite that still came to see your family.

Original poster

angel1976 · 04/04/2008 13:16

Hi!

Thanks for all your replies and yes, he is my first! Some of you are right in that I thought about it and it's not the distance but my inlaws... MIL has always been the silent judgemental type (you know... the type that won't say it but saying it out LOUD in other ways...), everything in her house is as it is (DH and I once got a talking to for taking a popsicle each from the freezer without asking!). And I really don't like being pressured to do things their way and I find it hard to say no in their faces. So I do it and end up resenting them for it...

As for easter, the moment they arrived, they said they will only stay an hour though DH and I have always stressed that they are welcome anytime! We went out and got lunch for them as well...

My family is overseas and I do feel overwhelmed sometimes with a new baby and I really don't need someone telling me how to do things... For example, when we got an amby nest for DS, MIL said they didn't have those in her days and what a waste of money! That's what I resent I guess, being made to feel I don' know anything as a first-tine mum...

At least in my own house, I can do what I want and they can't say anything...

Thanks all for replying and helping me get a perspective on the real issues!

OP posts:

Original poster

angel1976 · 04/04/2008 13:16

Hi!

As for easter, the moment they arrived, they said they will only stay an hour though DH and I have always stressed that they are welcome anytime! We went out and got lunch for them as well...

At least in my own house, I can do what I want and they can't say anything...

Thanks all for replying and helping me get a perspective on the real issues!

OP posts:

Haylstones · 04/04/2008 13:24

Think you just have to ignore all the 'advice'. I have dd4 and ds 6 weeks and just spent 2 weeks with family 400 miles away. I ignored all the stuff I didn't appreciate/ want and enjoyed the rest of it. Make the most of having somebody look after you for a few hours.
FWIW, we have travelled lots with dd since she was born and she is fantastic in the car now- never hear 'are we nearly there yet' or 'I'm bored' so travelling from a young age isn't necessarily a bad thing! With ds we stop every 90 minutes to take him out the car seat and have a break.

Trolleydolly71 · 04/04/2008 13:30

Message withdrawn

Original poster

angel1976 · 04/04/2008 13:31

I suppose the hard thing for me is feeling like the 'outsider'. DH doesn't give a monkey's what his mum says (he barely listens anyway!) while I take it all too much to heart...

My fear is them taking DS and doing things their way! MIL used to put DH and SIL to sleep on their front and I am scared to death they will do that to DS (well, if they wanted to give him formula behind my back when I was bf-ing...).

Also, I come from a really small country (an hour from one end to the other!), which is another reason why car journeys over half an hour stresses me out big time (not to mention with a small baby!) and I don't think they understand that.

OP posts:

Original poster

angel1976 · 04/04/2008 13:32

Thanks for the support trolleydolley71, this new baby thing is harder than I thought...

OP posts:

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