Friend Trip

[PennyLane12345]

So... I was planning a solo vacation and asked a friend to come along. She agreed and we planned a 7 day trip. All was fine, until day 6. We had been having a great day but then we had a small disagreement. It was stupid really, we brought up the common law versus marriage. I noted I thought they were the same thing minus the marriage certificate. She does not like when people disagree with her, for the most part in other situations like this with her, I just keep my mouth shut and don't express myself. However, this time she went off saying her and her common law are not married and she hasn't committed to him etc etc.. I noted to her they were common law and in a years long committed relationship.. she then got upset saying. " I didn't say any vows to him" and 3 times said "I'm not stupid I know the difference". I in turn told her, I had not called her stupid and it's OK to disagree and have a normal discussion still. I then proceeded to walk away and went and sat in another area to cool off. She then came over and sat by me, which fine, but I needed some time to myself. I got up and told her I needed a second and was going to go chill in our hotel room. She then said "we'll when are you coming back and I need up there too" I responded with "I just need a second like idk" and began walking to the room. She followed behind me. I got in the room and used the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, she ask for my room key however, my intentions were to go outside on the hotel grounds thus I needed my key. I again said to her, I just need some time, I am going outside. She then got very upset and said I was being a bitch.. she repeated it multiple times "you're acting like a bitch" I was in shock, and when this happens, I shut down. I responded with "we'll how so?" Badically asking why she thought I was a bitch. She then started doing impressions of me saying in a mocking voice "I need a minute, give me some time to myself" and accused me of treating her like her husband. To this, I left the room with no arguing. I took some time, came back and showered etc.. it was very awkward. I was then just relaxing and reading and she was kind of pacing around. I had no words, no thoughts on how to move forward with her. She then said sooo.. what do you want to do.. as if we should just go about the day. I said to her, "I'm not sure, I don't know what to say". She then said well, what your just going to ignore me and I said "I just don't know what to say or do after that". She then again got upset with me and said "I'm leaving tell me when you figure it out" and stormed out of our room. The rest of the trip was just awkward. I had a couple to dos to check off our last day and choose to do them alone.

Overall, my thoughts are I don't want to be friends with someone who mocks me and does impressions of me like that or calls me a bitch. I find this hurtful especially to then further act as if I am in the wrong and not acknowledge her behavior towards me. I would have been more then willing to address any wrong doings on my part but she was hostile so we weren't able to have an appropriate discussion.

Any thoughts?

"So, I was planning a solo vacation and asked a friend to come along..."
Aside from this sentence being being oxymoronic, why did you ask someone accompany you on your 'solo' trip?
Had you been away with this woman before? Spent any long, continuous time with her before? Thrashed out time apart required before you went ( being with someone 24 hours a day is trying on even the firmest of relationships)
Also, why was there only 1 room key if you both were checked into hotel? Usually, esp if not family, each person gets own key.
It all sounds very petulant an childish. You may find she doesn't want to be friends with you either.
But just tell her the friendship is over. It didn't sound brilliant to start with

I agree very stupid. It was a solo trip that turned into a friend trip I guess I should have clarified. We have travelled together before with no issues. There was another key and I pointed that out to her. It was sitting on the shelf. I'm not sure what I was looking for by posting this, besides to unpack it, but I just don't think that's how friends treat each other even if upset. I would never do mocking impressions or call my friends bitches 🤷‍♀️

I'm not for a second excusing her comments towards you. That was unkind of her but can I play devils advocate for a second.

Did you pick up at all that the comments about common law upset her. She told you i didn't make any vows to him and later said you are treating her like her husband. It sounds like she's in an unhappy relationship and this triggered her. Again it's no excuse for the nasty comments.

As I've said devil's advocate here. I think her reaction was very ott. Sorry your holiday was ruined. Definitely don't go away with her again.

I think you did brilliantly by happily sharing a hotel room til day 6. Pats on the back for both of you.

Not the point but it does seem a bit odd that you were so insistent to her about the nature of her relationship. You say she doesn’t back down but you didn’t either. Why didn’t you accept what she was telling you about her relationship?

Also if you live in England, there’s no such thing as common law marriage and you don’t get any legal rights just from being someone’s long-term partner even if you live together. But there are different laws in different states/countries and perhaps the position is different where you are.

@PennyLane12345 Thank you for answering my questions. Sometimes, I think we women can be totally bonkers with each other, yet there are so many ways we can be brilliant!
Sorry it ended up being shit, altho best it happened on day 6 than 1! Have you spoken since? May be worth a quick conversation to thrash out why it escalated as it did?
Hope you resolve one way or the other

I think there was fault on both sides.

The bitch comments and mocking were definitely hurtful and merit an apology.

But you were insensitive about her relationship in your tenacity to win the argument about common law marriage (you might be right where you live but I don't think it's a thing in the UK?)

And whilst my tendency after a disagreement is to withdraw into myself too and it is okay to need a bit of time to calm down, you need to understand that this can come across to others as the beginning of stonewalling, and feels awful.

In future, it helps to give the other person a timeframe - "after a heated disagreement, I need a bit of time to calm down, I'm going to go take a walk, then have a shower then I'll meet you for dinner."

It sounds as if she and her partner have gotten into an unhealthy dynamic where he gives her the silent treatment for an indefinite period and she pushes for connection/even just a reaction.

It's okay if you don't want to pursue this friendship after the hurtful things she said without apology. You are allowed boundaries.

But if the friendship generally is a good one and this was completely out of character then I think attempting a repair is possible.

I would say how much I enjoyed the first 5/6 days of the holiday and how I regretted how it ended. I'd apologise for debating the heck out of the common law thing and being insensitive to what she was trying to tell you about her relationship.

I'd acknowledge the difference in the way we handle conflict - how I feel the need for space but that meant she felt ignored. And I'd be honest about how I feel about the bitch comments and mocking (that I don't do them) and whilst I understand she was upset how any repeat of name-calling or mocking would be her deciding not to be in relationship with me /you.

I think you were really quite unpleasant and unreasonable to her to start with. Why did you carry on going on and on about her relationship. If you live in England "common law" has no meaning at all, and she was right and you were wrong. As to "needing a second" to get over a disagreement about HER relationship, well, that is just primary school playground behaviour. So I would say this is on you. If I were her, I would cut contact.

You both went back to your shared common space which happened to be the same space, thus no one got ''space'' from the other and it intensified.

Personally I think you should have gone off by yourself for some window shopping, book reading or something completely away from the shared space and each other.

(it's interesting as earlier this week I watched a couple having a huge domestic at a shopping centre yet they kept following each other... should have gone miles apart and got over or past whatever it was that was ringing their bell at 11.00 am)

How old are you both? You sound like strroppy teenagers!

You do realise 'common law' is no longer a thing - at least in England and Wales??

It's fine to disagree, neither of you had to push the subject. It's really not that deep.

She didn't respect your space. Some people need space, others need to resolve it there and then it (or ideally get you to admit your wrong)

You got overwhelmed and needed to remove yourself from the situation. She got overwhelmed and started mocking you.

She needs to apologise for that, it's out of order.

If otherwise she is a good friend I would let it go after that. If this is the tip of the iceberg then I'd start distancing myself.

It sounds like you withdrew and became silky and cold. You saw that as “taking a moment” but it felt differently to her.

You can’t relax and read when there’s either a confrontation to air or peace to be made.

Silent withdrawal can be passive aggressive.

If you're from the UK then you're not right about common law marriage but it's a weird thing to have such a big disagreement on

There's not many friends I could go on holiday with tbh, just note down for future that this isn't working out

Why were you labelling her relationship when she clearly didn't agree and didn't want you to? I possibly understand doing it once (even tho we don't recognise common law marriage, and they are quite different forms of relationship), but the fact you continued to do it, while obviously pissing her off, is provocative. You twice say that you "noted" as though what you're saying is fact, and comes across as quite condescending.

You then got upset about upsetting her and tried to commandeer the shared space for yourself, and then refused to get over it for the sake of the holiday. She called you a bitch because you were being one, and frankly that's a light term to use among friends 😂

I think YABU because withdrawing like that and needing a second etc is what actually made the argument much bigger than it needed to be - it was very immature on your part and sounded like stonewalling, which you should look up if you haven’t heard before as it will be negatively impacting your other relationships as well. It sounds like you set off her anxiety with the way you stonewalled her and she prefers to just face to face and resolve any disagreements right there. She shouldn’t have called you a bitch but the fact that she was immediately wanting to just get on with the day and talking about plans makes me think that it was perhaps meant in a more light hearted way than you took it.

It was also on you to apologise for being so argumentative about common law marriage and what that means for her relationship (if you’re from the UK you were wrong as well!).

If you had a nice holiday for 6 days then I would make the effort to repair the friendship and be the first to offer the olive branch.

You sounded a bit like a sulky teenager by needing 'time', i think she came over to the bench to try and make things 'normal' but you carried on. The whole discussion was a storm in a teacup that was blown out of proportion by you. You said she doesn't like people disagreeing with her, and you sound the same.

Her calling you a bitch was out of order though.

If you needed a moment you should have gone for a walk or a cafe not excluded her from the room she is staying in. That was unkind.

agree with the others that you were insensitive as to some aspects of her relationship. And that common law marriage does not exist in UK.

she shouldn’t have called you a bitch and mocked her. She reacted badly to your negative behaviour. There’s fault on both sides.

YABU. Assuming you're both in UK (and as this is a UK site, that's the logical assumption unless you state otherwise), there is no such thing as common law. Many women make this assumption and think it affords them protection; it doesn't. So your friend is correct. Maybe she hates that she's not protected by a certificate. Anyway, you were in addition unreasonable to keep insisting.

YABU to decide that your shared space was where you wanted to cool off. Where was your friend supposed to go in the meantime? You want space, you go for a walk.

You insisted you were right and knew more about her relationship than she did. You told her it's ok to disagree and have a normal discussion, but you then refused to have a discussion and walked away. When she went to clear the air you walked away again. And a third time you refused to talk and tried to walk away. That's not "ok to disagree and discuss", that's you being childish.

Assuming you're in the UK there's no such thing as common law, so no it isn't marriage without the piece of paper.

She sounds sulky and a bit immature but you sound condescending and passive aggressive so the friendship has probably run its course.

Are you from the UK? If yes then you are firmly in the wrong as there is no such thing as common law here and needling your friend that she was as good as married would have been cruel and incorrect. She sounds unhappy in her relationship.

If you are not from the UK and in fact right then she shouldn't have mocked you.

It seems odd to me that things are normally fine with her, and had been up to that point in the holiday, if this is the sort of thing that happens when you have conflict. It sounds like you touched a nerve (perhaps not intentionally) with the common law thing. I wonder (from the fact that she said 'I'm not stupid' 3 times) if she felt you were hammering your point home a bit. She could also have some other stuff going on - you say she accused you of 'treating her like her husband' - could she be going through some personal difficulties which made her a bit sensitive in that conversation?
Agree that she was out of order in using the word 'bitch' and following you when you wanted to be alone.
Is the friendship important enough for you to try and salvage it? You say you had no words for her at the time - could you find some now and attempt a reconciliatory conversation?

How old are you both?

I agree it sounds like she is unhappy in her relationship and you triggered her in some way, especially as, if you are in the UK, she is correct, there is no such thing in law as a common law marriage.
She shouldn't have called you a bitch though and mocked your voice
So you were both unreasonable really

Well.

You were in the wrong about ‘Common law’. There is no such thing as common law marriage , the legal contract of marriage happens on marriage. But you kept pressing your mistaken point.

During this you failed to notice that for whatever reason the subject was upsetting her personally, and didn’t take that as a cue to drop it.

You walked away from her (belying your insistence that disagreement is ok), and having had a few moments to calm down / let it drop you said ‘I need space’ and walked away two further times when she was trying to resume normal communication . Which would come across to me as a major sulk or drama queen episode .

I accept that she has a pattern of not liking to be wrong etc, but I think your behaviour caused this discussion to get out of hand.

Being on holiday with people is testing.