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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend Trip

67 replies

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 02:23

So... I was planning a solo vacation and asked a friend to come along. She agreed and we planned a 7 day trip. All was fine, until day 6. We had been having a great day but then we had a small disagreement. It was stupid really, we brought up the common law versus marriage. I noted I thought they were the same thing minus the marriage certificate. She does not like when people disagree with her, for the most part in other situations like this with her, I just keep my mouth shut and don't express myself. However, this time she went off saying her and her common law are not married and she hasn't committed to him etc etc.. I noted to her they were common law and in a years long committed relationship.. she then got upset saying. " I didn't say any vows to him" and 3 times said "I'm not stupid I know the difference". I in turn told her, I had not called her stupid and it's OK to disagree and have a normal discussion still. I then proceeded to walk away and went and sat in another area to cool off. She then came over and sat by me, which fine, but I needed some time to myself. I got up and told her I needed a second and was going to go chill in our hotel room. She then said "we'll when are you coming back and I need up there too" I responded with "I just need a second like idk" and began walking to the room. She followed behind me. I got in the room and used the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, she ask for my room key however, my intentions were to go outside on the hotel grounds thus I needed my key. I again said to her, I just need some time, I am going outside. She then got very upset and said I was being a bitch.. she repeated it multiple times "you're acting like a bitch" I was in shock, and when this happens, I shut down. I responded with "we'll how so?" Badically asking why she thought I was a bitch. She then started doing impressions of me saying in a mocking voice "I need a minute, give me some time to myself" and accused me of treating her like her husband. To this, I left the room with no arguing. I took some time, came back and showered etc.. it was very awkward. I was then just relaxing and reading and she was kind of pacing around. I had no words, no thoughts on how to move forward with her. She then said sooo.. what do you want to do.. as if we should just go about the day. I said to her, "I'm not sure, I don't know what to say". She then said well, what your just going to ignore me and I said "I just don't know what to say or do after that". She then again got upset with me and said "I'm leaving tell me when you figure it out" and stormed out of our room. The rest of the trip was just awkward. I had a couple to dos to check off our last day and choose to do them alone.

Overall, my thoughts are I don't want to be friends with someone who mocks me and does impressions of me like that or calls me a bitch. I find this hurtful especially to then further act as if I am in the wrong and not acknowledge her behavior towards me. I would have been more then willing to address any wrong doings on my part but she was hostile so we weren't able to have an appropriate discussion.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 19/05/2024 18:19

My sister needs to be on her own if someone upsets her, she just needs a few minutes to process things. That’s reasonable.

Thats all you were asking for and I think that should be respected.

Some people have different argument ‘styles’ your friend keeps goading and you need space. You just had an argument, take some time and see how you feel in a few days. You don’t have to make any decisions now and you DID NOT do anything wrong.

Im totally on your side btw!!

Silvers11 · 19/05/2024 18:49

Sproutofthisworld · 16/05/2024 06:49

I think YABU because withdrawing like that and needing a second etc is what actually made the argument much bigger than it needed to be - it was very immature on your part and sounded like stonewalling, which you should look up if you haven’t heard before as it will be negatively impacting your other relationships as well. It sounds like you set off her anxiety with the way you stonewalled her and she prefers to just face to face and resolve any disagreements right there. She shouldn’t have called you a bitch but the fact that she was immediately wanting to just get on with the day and talking about plans makes me think that it was perhaps meant in a more light hearted way than you took it.

It was also on you to apologise for being so argumentative about common law marriage and what that means for her relationship (if you’re from the UK you were wrong as well!).

If you had a nice holiday for 6 days then I would make the effort to repair the friendship and be the first to offer the olive branch.

Edited

Agree with this. You both behaved badly - and from what you said, it was far more your fault going on about it when you realised she wasn't agreeing with you.

Common-law relationships aren't anything more than meaning living together, in the UK at least and your friend was right

IMustDoMoreExercise · 19/05/2024 18:58

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 14:48

Ok. So I was in the wrong? I keep reflecting and don't see where my actions warrant the following around, nasty names and impressions. As of now, my view is, friends don't treat friends like that, disagreement or not and I don't want someone like that in my life. I'll keep reflecting 🤷

Yes, I think that you were annoying by just saying that you wanted time to yourself and not just drawing a line under the initial argument.

Yes, she wasn't nice calling you a bitch and mocking you but I think you started it by not communicating with her when she was trying to.

Toxicinlawz · 19/05/2024 19:05

3luckystars · 19/05/2024 18:19

My sister needs to be on her own if someone upsets her, she just needs a few minutes to process things. That’s reasonable.

Thats all you were asking for and I think that should be respected.

Some people have different argument ‘styles’ your friend keeps goading and you need space. You just had an argument, take some time and see how you feel in a few days. You don’t have to make any decisions now and you DID NOT do anything wrong.

Im totally on your side btw!!

And sometimes ppl walk off and ignore another person as a way of punishing them. Op didn't need a few minutes, she was off reading her book and relaxing ... I'm assuming that this must have been hard to be around when you've argued with someone and time is passing and they are still ignoring you.

StormingNorman · 19/05/2024 19:21

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 14:48

Ok. So I was in the wrong? I keep reflecting and don't see where my actions warrant the following around, nasty names and impressions. As of now, my view is, friends don't treat friends like that, disagreement or not and I don't want someone like that in my life. I'll keep reflecting 🤷

You were in the wrong because your friend told you her relationship status and you kept winding her up.

It’s the winding up and causing an argument that got her mad, and people don’t make the best behaviour decisions when they are angry.

This whole argument is childish. Just respect what your friends tell you.

Otherstories2002 · 19/05/2024 22:32

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 14:18

Maybe I didn't convey myself properly. The disagreement was about the difference between common law and marriage. She desrcibes her relationship as common law, not me. I noted common law relationships are the same as marriage minus the legal nature. We don't live in the UK.

That’s like saying dogs are like cats apart from the different species bit.

They literally are not the same thing.

No1toldmeaboutit · 20/05/2024 09:32

You are complaining that your friend should have treated you like she did because that’s not what friends do but I don’t think you have treated her very nicely either.

It’s fine if you need a minute to calm down/process, I am one of those people but you have basically stone walled her. Once you had had your minute you should have then approached her to talk it through, not continued with the silent treatment. She acted immaturely but so did you.

its really a stupid reason to fall out over, you both sound equally as bad as one another when it comes to being right

HouseofPies · 20/05/2024 09:51

I know I’ll get flamed for this, but could you and/or your friend be ND as you both communicate poorly and are both very stubborn.

You were quite pushy about having to be right over an opinion based argument which she clearly didn’t want to continue, and yet you didn’t seem to pick up the clues.

That would have been me a few years ago before I’d even heard of Autism.

I understand the need to get some space to cool down, but again I don’t think you communicated your reasons why very clearly, and I think she thought you were trying to punish her by stonewalling her, which is obviously unkind and especially on holiday in a foreign country. So it’s unsurprising that she kept badgering you.

The fact that you’re digging your heels in and can’t consider the arguments from her perspective despite posters pointing stuff out to you, does point towards ND traits to my mind.

HouseofPies · 20/05/2024 09:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

You’re as bad as the OP with your strongly held and incorrect statement!

There’s no such thing as common law marriage - it doesn’t exist.

The OP isn’t in the U.K. and other countries DO confer rights to people in a ‘common law’ partnership, so it seems likely that the OP lives in one of those particular countries.

OldPerson · 20/05/2024 18:52

How old are you both?

Just what exactly did you fall out over?

Or did you just fall out because you have different opinions?

Because it all sounds so immature and pointless. The perpetually "offended" who are a generation of no use to anyone.

Toptops · 20/05/2024 20:51

Had either/both of you been drinking?

Bourneo · 20/05/2024 22:13

Run away from this, very far away. She's toxic.

LalaPaloosa · 20/05/2024 22:44

I can’t believe another adult mocked you like that and called you names. I’d never see this person again. This is young sibling behavior, not adult behaviour. Just wow.

tillymintt · 20/05/2024 23:33

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 02:23

So... I was planning a solo vacation and asked a friend to come along. She agreed and we planned a 7 day trip. All was fine, until day 6. We had been having a great day but then we had a small disagreement. It was stupid really, we brought up the common law versus marriage. I noted I thought they were the same thing minus the marriage certificate. She does not like when people disagree with her, for the most part in other situations like this with her, I just keep my mouth shut and don't express myself. However, this time she went off saying her and her common law are not married and she hasn't committed to him etc etc.. I noted to her they were common law and in a years long committed relationship.. she then got upset saying. " I didn't say any vows to him" and 3 times said "I'm not stupid I know the difference". I in turn told her, I had not called her stupid and it's OK to disagree and have a normal discussion still. I then proceeded to walk away and went and sat in another area to cool off. She then came over and sat by me, which fine, but I needed some time to myself. I got up and told her I needed a second and was going to go chill in our hotel room. She then said "we'll when are you coming back and I need up there too" I responded with "I just need a second like idk" and began walking to the room. She followed behind me. I got in the room and used the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, she ask for my room key however, my intentions were to go outside on the hotel grounds thus I needed my key. I again said to her, I just need some time, I am going outside. She then got very upset and said I was being a bitch.. she repeated it multiple times "you're acting like a bitch" I was in shock, and when this happens, I shut down. I responded with "we'll how so?" Badically asking why she thought I was a bitch. She then started doing impressions of me saying in a mocking voice "I need a minute, give me some time to myself" and accused me of treating her like her husband. To this, I left the room with no arguing. I took some time, came back and showered etc.. it was very awkward. I was then just relaxing and reading and she was kind of pacing around. I had no words, no thoughts on how to move forward with her. She then said sooo.. what do you want to do.. as if we should just go about the day. I said to her, "I'm not sure, I don't know what to say". She then said well, what your just going to ignore me and I said "I just don't know what to say or do after that". She then again got upset with me and said "I'm leaving tell me when you figure it out" and stormed out of our room. The rest of the trip was just awkward. I had a couple to dos to check off our last day and choose to do them alone.

Overall, my thoughts are I don't want to be friends with someone who mocks me and does impressions of me like that or calls me a bitch. I find this hurtful especially to then further act as if I am in the wrong and not acknowledge her behavior towards me. I would have been more then willing to address any wrong doings on my part but she was hostile so we weren't able to have an appropriate discussion.

Any thoughts?

you both sound 14 years old.
And common law is not a thing in the UK. She is right.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/05/2024 23:38

I'm a bit on her side sorry, I would have felt like someone was saying I was stupid too if they told me I was in a common law marriage (which doesn't exist in the uk, as your friend well knows) - it's weird to explain someone's life to them like that. To keep saying you need space but wanting the room to yourself is a bit upsetting too, I would go elsewhere- why do you only have one room key? - not your shared space.

It's not ok that she said you're acting like a bitch (not called you one though mind just called your behaviour bitchy) I imagine that her partner always storms off too, some people are the 'lets talk and repair immediately' type (I am too) and some are the 'I need space to process first' type. The first can find the second scary and it makes them anxious. The second can find the first overwhelming

Jumpers4goalposts · 21/05/2024 06:41

You were both acting like children, both need to apologise and move on.

Goodtogossip · 21/05/2024 10:18

You both sound very childish tbh. Why not speak with her & tell her you'll agree to disagree on the subject & let her know that you don't appreciate her mocking you. If you'd like to keep the friendship going that should be the end of it. If you don't want to continue being friends just don't contact her when you return home.

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