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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend Trip

67 replies

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 02:23

So... I was planning a solo vacation and asked a friend to come along. She agreed and we planned a 7 day trip. All was fine, until day 6. We had been having a great day but then we had a small disagreement. It was stupid really, we brought up the common law versus marriage. I noted I thought they were the same thing minus the marriage certificate. She does not like when people disagree with her, for the most part in other situations like this with her, I just keep my mouth shut and don't express myself. However, this time she went off saying her and her common law are not married and she hasn't committed to him etc etc.. I noted to her they were common law and in a years long committed relationship.. she then got upset saying. " I didn't say any vows to him" and 3 times said "I'm not stupid I know the difference". I in turn told her, I had not called her stupid and it's OK to disagree and have a normal discussion still. I then proceeded to walk away and went and sat in another area to cool off. She then came over and sat by me, which fine, but I needed some time to myself. I got up and told her I needed a second and was going to go chill in our hotel room. She then said "we'll when are you coming back and I need up there too" I responded with "I just need a second like idk" and began walking to the room. She followed behind me. I got in the room and used the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, she ask for my room key however, my intentions were to go outside on the hotel grounds thus I needed my key. I again said to her, I just need some time, I am going outside. She then got very upset and said I was being a bitch.. she repeated it multiple times "you're acting like a bitch" I was in shock, and when this happens, I shut down. I responded with "we'll how so?" Badically asking why she thought I was a bitch. She then started doing impressions of me saying in a mocking voice "I need a minute, give me some time to myself" and accused me of treating her like her husband. To this, I left the room with no arguing. I took some time, came back and showered etc.. it was very awkward. I was then just relaxing and reading and she was kind of pacing around. I had no words, no thoughts on how to move forward with her. She then said sooo.. what do you want to do.. as if we should just go about the day. I said to her, "I'm not sure, I don't know what to say". She then said well, what your just going to ignore me and I said "I just don't know what to say or do after that". She then again got upset with me and said "I'm leaving tell me when you figure it out" and stormed out of our room. The rest of the trip was just awkward. I had a couple to dos to check off our last day and choose to do them alone.

Overall, my thoughts are I don't want to be friends with someone who mocks me and does impressions of me like that or calls me a bitch. I find this hurtful especially to then further act as if I am in the wrong and not acknowledge her behavior towards me. I would have been more then willing to address any wrong doings on my part but she was hostile so we weren't able to have an appropriate discussion.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/05/2024 08:31

I think you made a hypothetical disagreement a bit too personal- you were discussing something in general, but then brought her own relationship into it. I don't think many people would react well to their relationship being picked apart or being told its different to how they see it.

But she sounds a bit pathetic, following you around repeatedly when you need some space, telling you that you were acting like a bitch, and mocking you

I'd apologise for bringing her relationship up in a disagreement but explain how you didn't appreciate her ignoring your need for a bit of space, being told you were acting like a bitch, or being mocked, for simply requesting a bit of time out.

Testina · 16/05/2024 08:50

3 times said "I'm not stupid I know the difference". I in turn told her, I had not called her stupid and it's OK to disagree and have a normal discussion still

So it sounds like you were rudely banging on about common law relationships, and then turned patronising. Why were you lecturing (it seems?) her about her relationship “status” anyway?

elevens24 · 16/05/2024 08:51

There's no common law in UK. You were wrong to insist that there was and try to define her relationship (unless you're in a country where CL is a law).

Not giving her a room key when she asked was petty. Why do her needs trump yours? Your responses were a bit passive aggressive and wingey.

She shouldn't have called you names.

ForAPicnic · 16/05/2024 08:54

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pootlin · 16/05/2024 09:07

However, this time she went off saying her and her common law are not married and she hasn't committed to him etc etc.. I noted to her they were common law and in a years long committed relationship..

Which country are you in?

AffIt · 16/05/2024 10:07

Given the time that the OP posted at, I think it's likely that she is in Australia, where common law marriage (or de facto relationships, as they're termed) is valid in some states.

Sdpbody · 16/05/2024 10:44

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BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 16/05/2024 11:08

AffIt · 16/05/2024 10:07

Given the time that the OP posted at, I think it's likely that she is in Australia, where common law marriage (or de facto relationships, as they're termed) is valid in some states.

Then when clearly discussing something about the friend’s life the ‘objective discussion’ approach is ‘if you’ve checked out your legal position then that’s great. AllI’m saying is best to be sure’. Not bang on about someone else’s relationship.

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 14:18

Maybe I didn't convey myself properly. The disagreement was about the difference between common law and marriage. She desrcibes her relationship as common law, not me. I noted common law relationships are the same as marriage minus the legal nature. We don't live in the UK.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 16/05/2024 14:27

Why did you need her to agree you were right though?
The subject was obviously upsetting for her so why not just talk about something else?

pootlin · 16/05/2024 14:30

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 14:18

Maybe I didn't convey myself properly. The disagreement was about the difference between common law and marriage. She desrcibes her relationship as common law, not me. I noted common law relationships are the same as marriage minus the legal nature. We don't live in the UK.

But that's what she said, that common law is not marriage, and you still argued with her. I can see why she may have thought you were gaslighting her.

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 14:48

Ok. So I was in the wrong? I keep reflecting and don't see where my actions warrant the following around, nasty names and impressions. As of now, my view is, friends don't treat friends like that, disagreement or not and I don't want someone like that in my life. I'll keep reflecting 🤷

OP posts:
Aworldofmyown · 16/05/2024 14:55

You sound pretty childish. She shouldn't have called you a bitch but your behaviour prior to that was quite goady and difficult.

MissUltraViolet · 16/05/2024 15:10

You both sound ridiculous and childish and are both at fault. You shouldn't have continued to push the conversation and your opinion on her when it sounds like she tried to make it stop. You then left and instead of trying to sort it out like adults when she approached you left again saying you need space (for what was at that point a small disagreement? dramatic.)

It then escalated in the room and thats her fault, she was rude.

You both need to say sorry and move on.

Isometimeswonder · 16/05/2024 15:36

Are you both 12?

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 16/05/2024 15:40

You were wrong then instead of admitting you were wrong you stormed off refusing to talk now you're having a go at her for being upset?

Wolfpa · 16/05/2024 15:47

Neither one of you comes out smelling of roses. You should have backed off she shouldn’t have been calling you names.

bananaboats · 16/05/2024 16:16

You were both unreasonable.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 16/05/2024 16:55

Sorry but you gaslit here and YOU dont want to be friends with her?! YABU.

spannered · 16/05/2024 17:37

PennyLane12345 · 16/05/2024 14:48

Ok. So I was in the wrong? I keep reflecting and don't see where my actions warrant the following around, nasty names and impressions. As of now, my view is, friends don't treat friends like that, disagreement or not and I don't want someone like that in my life. I'll keep reflecting 🤷

But this all happened after you had upset her, and then refused to talk to her when she attempted. You're upset at her reaction to being upset by you!

hot2trotter · 19/05/2024 15:43

I think you both need to grow up

TinyYellow · 19/05/2024 15:49

You were wrong though, so you should probably have been a bit more willing to get over it in the first place when the friend tried to brush over it. The fact that you didn’t, even though you were wrong, is probably what infuriated her enough to start acting out of character. She clearly shouldn’t be acting like she was in the playground, but she genuinely believed that you were behaving like a bitch towards her, so she said it.

s4usagefingers · 19/05/2024 15:50

You’re wrong about common law marriage and didn’t listen to your friend when she correctly defined her own relationship.

CrayonCritic5 · 19/05/2024 16:06

Oh my gosh what the hell is going on on this thread, OP you are NOT in the wrong. She ‘went off’ at you when you were simply establishing the differences between two things. Sounds to me like you weren’t telling her she was wrong. She got upset unnecessarily and had a go at you, you tried to be the bigger person and not let it escalate. She proceeded to escalate it. I think most people on this thread mustn’t quite be on the same wavelength as you in terms of understanding how the situation unfolded or your intentions within the initial conversation. Even if you did contribute, better not to continue a friendship with this person as their mocking shows a deep lack of respect for you. Go with your gut. You are right to feel the way you do.

HardyPeachBee · 19/05/2024 18:01

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