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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you find this odd ? Guy I’m dating

77 replies

Star11997 · 15/05/2024 17:45

The guy I’m dating has told me today he’s been out for the afternoon with an old friend. It’s also his mates exs best friend. She’s recently had a baby and is a single parent and he’s gone out with her to meet the baby and went for lunch together and then went to her house. He has told me this quite openly. They plan to meet again soon. Would you find it odd?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 15/05/2024 21:37

Notamum12345577 · 15/05/2024 18:10

No, but maybe don’t meet up one on one with someone of the opposite sex

You haven't said WHY people shouldn't do that though. And, as you can see, everyone is veritably champing at the bit to know.

PrestonHood121 · 15/05/2024 21:43

All these cool people saying no when it would probably niggle away at them if it was their boyfriend or girlfriend.

No to one on one meetings with single friends of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship - it will only lead to emotionally intimacy with someone other than your partner.

StormingNorman · 15/05/2024 21:43

No.

XenoBitch · 15/05/2024 21:44

PrestonHood121 · 15/05/2024 21:43

All these cool people saying no when it would probably niggle away at them if it was their boyfriend or girlfriend.

No to one on one meetings with single friends of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship - it will only lead to emotionally intimacy with someone other than your partner.

How does this work if your partner is bisexual? Are they not allowed to see anyone at all?

PrestonHood121 · 15/05/2024 21:53

XenoBitch · 15/05/2024 21:44

How does this work if your partner is bisexual? Are they not allowed to see anyone at all?

Depends if there is mutual attraction I guess? Regular one on one visits and texts wouldn't fly with me and probably not most people.

XenoBitch · 15/05/2024 21:57

PrestonHood121 · 15/05/2024 21:53

Depends if there is mutual attraction I guess? Regular one on one visits and texts wouldn't fly with me and probably not most people.

You have contradicted yourself.

TammyJones · 15/05/2024 22:04

It really is a difficult one, because often the person is usually quite attractive (never someone who not so attractive).

soscarlet · 15/05/2024 22:05

PrestonHood121 · 15/05/2024 21:43

All these cool people saying no when it would probably niggle away at them if it was their boyfriend or girlfriend.

No to one on one meetings with single friends of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship - it will only lead to emotionally intimacy with someone other than your partner.

Straight people can be so weird. Is nobody allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? Do you ditch your friends when embarking on a new relationship, lest your new love interest feels threatened? If, as pp mentioned, one is bisexual is that person not allowed any friends at all, just in case?

PrestonHood121 · 15/05/2024 22:07

XenoBitch · 15/05/2024 21:57

You have contradicted yourself.

No, for this specific situation here and probably most people, emotional intimacy with other people when you’re in a relationship won’t fly. There will always be outliers. Sure. Whatever. Like I’ve said, all the cool partners and wives will disagree.

Olivegardenishome · 15/05/2024 22:10

I don’t know, I’m going to go against the grain here because I’m a firm believer you should trust your gut instincts, and yours are telling you that something doesn’t quite feel right?

I’m saying this, my husband and I both have friends of the opposite gender that we see together or alone. Platonic friendships are a thing. But not always. Man oh man, some of my old school friends have tried it on with me over the years despite knowing my husband.

So he’s not actually friends with her if they’ve only just got back in contact after a period of time?

You feel he’s highlighting that she’s a single mum, lonely, single, new mum, single, needs a friend… When I’ve met up with long term male friends, I’ve never needed to tell my DH “oh he’s single” … “oh he’s lonely”. He could just be being honest with you, but is her relationship status relevant to you or is he trying to put you on edge and make you jealous or uncomfortable? I mean, it’s not like men have been trying to pit women against one another for hundreds of years to satisfy their ego, is it?

I would say just trust your instincts.

Maybe I am bias though as my husband met this one woman at park run who started off lovely, we welcomed her into our friendship group. But something always felt a bit “off” to me, I couldn’t put my finger on why. She ended up confessing her undying love for my DH after about 6 months 😂

All of his other friends who are female I don’t feel any threat from. I think sometimes you just have an inkling when something doesn’t seem right.

KreedKafer · 15/05/2024 22:21

PrestonHood121 · 15/05/2024 21:43

All these cool people saying no when it would probably niggle away at them if it was their boyfriend or girlfriend.

No to one on one meetings with single friends of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship - it will only lead to emotionally intimacy with someone other than your partner.

Oh, here we go with the ‘cool wife’ bullshit. What predictable shite.

Just because you can’t grasp the concept of two people being in a room without genital contact, that doesn’t mean everyone who can is lying or pretending to be ‘cool’ or secretly jealous.

If you and your partner have an agreement not to trust each other to be alone with members of the opposite sex, that’s fine; you do whatever’s right for you both. But don’t pretend that it’s somehow a universal norm that everyone else is kidding themselves about, because it’s absolutely not.

Mitsky · 15/05/2024 22:50

PrestonHood121 · 15/05/2024 21:43

All these cool people saying no when it would probably niggle away at them if it was their boyfriend or girlfriend.

No to one on one meetings with single friends of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship - it will only lead to emotionally intimacy with someone other than your partner.

I went out for dinner one on one with two different men last week and neither was my husband! Shockingly we were able to keep ourselves under control and had a lovely meal as friends in the same way I would have with a woman.

CurlewKate · 15/05/2024 22:52

I suppose for me the bottom line is if my partner wants to be with someone else then n a non platonic way, then I don't want to be with him in any way. If the only way I can stop him shagging another woman , either emotionally or physically or both is by keep g them apart then they are welcome to each other. I don't believe in fighting for relationships.

XenoBitch · 15/05/2024 22:53

Mitsky · 15/05/2024 22:50

I went out for dinner one on one with two different men last week and neither was my husband! Shockingly we were able to keep ourselves under control and had a lovely meal as friends in the same way I would have with a woman.

When I was with my ex, I went to the cinema with a male friend. My ex did not want to see the film.
The person that gave me absolute shit for it, was my own dad. So old fashioned in his views.

Star11997 · 15/05/2024 23:04

He hasn’t seen her in quite a while no so it wasn’t like they were really close before all this. He only met her as his mate went out with her friend at some point. It turns out the baby is actually nearly 6 months as well and this is the first time he’s met the baby. Apparently they had a pub lunch and a walk through the park and then they’re meeting up again soon

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 15/05/2024 23:26

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/05/2024 19:04

I’m sorry that’s absurd. So married people aren’t allowed to socialise with members of the opposite sex which predate their marriage?

Yea they are, but I don’t think one on one is sensible. Or respectful to your husband/wife/serious partner

Notamum12345577 · 15/05/2024 23:27

CurlewKate · 15/05/2024 19:00

@Notamum12345577 "No, but maybe don’t meet up one on one with someone of the opposite sex"

Why not? In words of one syllable, please.

Can’t think of one syllable, so I will use 2 😁 Respect to your partner.

valentinka31 · 15/05/2024 23:29

I'd think what a lovely guy and I'm glad he's got female friends and is supportive to them and feels fine to tell me about it, cos that also means he thinks I'm good and normal and not crazy jealous for no reason

I would say I'd like to see the baby some time and it would be nice to meet her

if he refuses to let me join in THEN I'd think WTF

thaegumathteth · 15/05/2024 23:33

No. When I met dh I lived with 3 men. Glad he wasn't paranoid about it!

SpidersAreShitheads · 16/05/2024 00:38

Olivegardenishome · 15/05/2024 22:10

I don’t know, I’m going to go against the grain here because I’m a firm believer you should trust your gut instincts, and yours are telling you that something doesn’t quite feel right?

I’m saying this, my husband and I both have friends of the opposite gender that we see together or alone. Platonic friendships are a thing. But not always. Man oh man, some of my old school friends have tried it on with me over the years despite knowing my husband.

So he’s not actually friends with her if they’ve only just got back in contact after a period of time?

You feel he’s highlighting that she’s a single mum, lonely, single, new mum, single, needs a friend… When I’ve met up with long term male friends, I’ve never needed to tell my DH “oh he’s single” … “oh he’s lonely”. He could just be being honest with you, but is her relationship status relevant to you or is he trying to put you on edge and make you jealous or uncomfortable? I mean, it’s not like men have been trying to pit women against one another for hundreds of years to satisfy their ego, is it?

I would say just trust your instincts.

Maybe I am bias though as my husband met this one woman at park run who started off lovely, we welcomed her into our friendship group. But something always felt a bit “off” to me, I couldn’t put my finger on why. She ended up confessing her undying love for my DH after about 6 months 😂

All of his other friends who are female I don’t feel any threat from. I think sometimes you just have an inkling when something doesn’t seem right.

Edited

I was thinking exactly the same as you @Olivegardenishome.

I do believe that you can be platonic friends with the opposite sex, but I also think you should trust your gut instinct.

I thought this sounded a bit off, reading through the OP.

She was only a passing friend of a friend (by the sounds of things), they've now met up 1:1, she's single and "lonely", and he's planning on meeting her again very soon.

If it was an established friend, no issues. I have platonic friends of the opposite sex, and so does DP.

But someone who he only had a casual relationship with before, who's now single and openly telling him she's "lonely", plus increasing their contact and 1:1 meets......it would feel off.

I reckon he's either misrepresenting the situation to try and make you jealous, or he's attracted to her and considering dating her.

Of course, it might be neither. Be guided by your gut instinct - I find it's rarely wrong.

CurlewKate · 16/05/2024 08:13

@Notamum12345577 "Respect to your partner."

Why is it showing respect to effectively say "The only way I can guarantee not cheating on you is to make sure I'm never alone with a member of the opposite sex"?

PurpleBugz · 16/05/2024 08:18

I might think it's unusual and I'd possibly monitor it as I've never had a guy want to be my friend who in the end didn't turn out to be wanting more. But I fiercely believe we should be allowed friends of the opposite sex and lots of people say they have managed it so I could never ban it for a partner

Faduckssake · 16/05/2024 08:29

I think the issue here is that it doesn't sound like they were particularly close friends before. So what is the motivation for getting together and starting to build a friendship? Of course men and women can be platonic friends, but I think I'd be uncomfortable with my boyfriend actively seeking this with another woman. Did they fancy each other before and it didn't happen because she was in a relationship? I'm sure she's attractive and just his type too. Why does he need to be her knight in shining armour because she's lonely? This isn't an old established friendship, so I would be questioning what they are both hoping to get out of it too.

Maddy70 · 16/05/2024 08:31

Why is that odd?

Newnamehiwhodis · 16/05/2024 08:37

Yeah, it would bother me, because it’s starting to sound like mention-itis, how many details he’s giving, and how she says she’s lonely.

it’s a bit much. And trust your gut, no matter what the childish bullies on this thread say.
mumsnet is attracting people (kids? Teenage boys?) lately who like to cut down OP and mock, rather than engage in actual discussion. They’re ridiculous and immature- pay them no mind.

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