Public Meltdown - worst experience as a parent :(

[pleasejhelp]

Name changed because I feel like if anyone one saw this they'd recognise me. I don't know what my AIBU is, I just need someone to talk to.

I've got two DC. DS4 has SEN and an EHCP, no diagnosis but likely asd and adhd so I'm used to dealing with meltdowns and refusals and difficulty with transitions. DD6 had some characteristics of asd that I raised as a toddler but HV said no. I do find it coincidental that DS does have an EHCP now so think it is likely DD has some SEN going on. She is very much a perfectionist, very smart and does find it hard when DS doesn't follow rules.

I've just had the worst parenting experience of my life and I don't know what to do.

DD asked for some summer school shoes so we went to the local shopping centre after school. Had a look in one shop and they had none in budget. As we came out there is a branch of a book/toy shop and they asked to look in. I said yes and said they could have £2 pocket money each to pick something small. After 10 mins DD decided to keep her money and DS had wandered around without seeing anything, so I said at that point 'come on then, let's go' DD initially followed out happily, DS started to get upset and pull me back in.

I bent down to say we were going to the next shop now, and as I was explaining this to him DD6 had the biggest meltdown I have ever seen a child have. She threw herself repeatedly onto the hard floor, literally kicking her legs and banging her fists screaming 'I want a toy', I asked her to calm down and told both of them that this behaviour was not acceptable and there is now no way they are going to be having toys. I was being pulled by DS so was trying to explain to him why we came to the shops and what is happening next. I remained calm and tried to explain. DD was running around me stamping her fight, still screaming I want a toy.

I told her absolutely not and her behaviour was unacceptable. She then ran back into the shop and took a toy and brought it outside. I told her she had stolen a toy and to take it back in which she did. She then came back outside and continued screaming I want a toy and started hitting DS.

At this point, it was so bad 2 security guards came over to see what was happening. I am utterly humiliated and must've looked like the worst mother in the world. They were both utterly wild. I carried DS back to go the car and brought them home. I've explained there's no pocket money, no dessert and no iPad time for the rest of the month. I've sent them to their rooms to think about their choices. I feel like a complete failure.

I've just never seen anything like it, ever. Literally from any child, and I've worked with children for a long time. I don't think I could have done anything differently, I was on my own, I gave fair warning we were going to leave the shop, I gave consequences and opportunities for them to calm down. I'm just in shock, particularly about DD.

I suppose my AIBU should be

IABU - poor parenting

IANBU - Sounds SEN related

No advice Op but sympathies, just a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better

You didn’t look like the worst mother in the world you looked like a mum whose child was having a meltdown.
Any parent would understand, a parent with a child with ADHD would understand a million times more as they have been there done that.
You need some chocolates or wine tonight my love 💐

It’s not poor parenting. You managed a difficult situation as best you could. One that you were completely blindsided by.

The punishment may be a little severe though! At their age I’d expect one or two day consequences or they lose their effect. I’m not criticising you at all btw. Just saying from experience that it’s more likely to have an effect if it’s a short and immediate consequence!

I feel you're probably right about the consequences. I said the first things that came to mind when we got back to the car. In the moment I wanted it to be severe so they understood the severity of their behaviour

I have seen much much worse meltdowns both from my own children (one adhd one nt) and from the Sen children I have taught.

The security guards will have seen worse I promise you.

Sounds like a lot. Go easy on yourself op.

I promise the security guards will have seen worse.

I think the punishment is far too long for their ages.

And breathe. DD is NT and

There appears to be a disconnect between their diagnosis/ suspected and your response to their meltdowns and taking them to a shop where despite prior agreements, their expectations would be high

DD is NT and she had her moments and she was also relatively chill. Through DD I have perfected my fireman’s lift and I’ve walked kilometres because we had to leave a bus stops earlier because of her behaviour.

Take a deep breath, your punishment seems disproportionate and a month is far too long.

I didn't want to read and run. I have no advice apart from please don't be too hard on yourself. From what you've described you did the right things.

It feels like a big deal to you but it’s not, honestly. Be kinder to yourself. Short punishment too

It does feel like a big deal right now. I think it's the embarrassment. I did says rest of the month so 2 weeks not a full month. I'll talk to DH about it when he finishes work. I was just completely blindsided by DD, I didn't know she had that in her. She's so calm and easy going, she also didn't want a toy and wanted to save her money so it just didn't even make sense why she was getting upset. I don't drink but I might take it up tonight for a glass of wine.

I remember those days but I only had one to deal with! I so feel for you because I know that feeling of utter hopelessness and despondency and feelings of absolute failure as a parent.

My ND, DC would drive me to tears whenever we had to go out shopping, I can remember nail marks in the palm of my hand where I was trying so hard to remain calm and just grab what we needed and get out of there whilst they had meltdown after meltdown. Many a time I just had to abandon the trip and get back home.

Honestly, it does get better and don’t worry about the security guards, you’re going to have to learn to grow a thick skin!

Sorry op, that sounds rough. But I assure you you won't be the first or last meltdown they've seen! I remember once when we were catching an early flight in which is DS was extremely overtired refusing to sleep in the pram, had the worst meltdown I've ever experienced in the middle of the packed departures lounge. Hundreds of people packed like sardines and what felt like all staring at me whilst DS screamed his lungs out and thrashed himself around. I had to rugby tackle him and throw him over my shoulder and carried him to the toilets to calm down. It took about around an hour for him to stop. I felt like the worst mother in that moment but I'll never see those people again and most were probably looking on in sympathy. But I do agree the punishments are far too long for their ages..

I experience these with my 2.5yr old almost everyday

You did the right thing by going straight home and imposing tantrums.
When she is calm, maybe tomorrow, I would have a stern talk with her. Make sure she apologises and leave her in no doubt that this will not happen again and what the consequences will be if it did.
No visits to toy shop for the foreseeable.
I have sen kids but refuse to use it as an excuse for poor behaviour.

And for those saying a month is too long, I'd make it 6 weeks!

I would say after school is just about the worst time to go shopping and perhaps better to wait until the weekend - SEN or not, they are probably tired and grumpy then.

But bad parenting would have been if you had given in to the tantrum and bought them a toy anyway. You didn’t- you removed them from the situation as soon as you could - that’s great parenting!

If she was 2.5 I wouldn't have been bothered. But a 6yo in school uniform just feels different, she should know better. I obviously expect her to get upset or have a whinge if things don't go her way but this was so, so extreme

I know it's not the same because my DD is NT, but not long ago she had an epic tantrum as we got off a plane. I had to carry her, rigid, screaming and slapping my face, what felt like miles to passport control, with a rucksack on my back and a plastic bag tightening around my arm. I couldn't put her down because she would bolt back through the zigzag passport queue. Eventually we were hauled out of the massive queue and waved through. I felt like the worst mum ever but people were actually sympathetic. I don't think as many people will have judged you as you think.

You did everything you could. Tomorrow is a new day!

If it's like the weather here, it was a mixture of SEND, tiredness, frustration/disappointment at not finding shoes you were able or prepared to buy, her brother kicking off, school, bright sunshine, heat, dehydration, hunger, shopping in general and anything and everything else.

It happens. So have a few quieter, lower stimulation days for your benefit as well as theirs and look into getting her assessed as well as Young Carer (she's in a family with somebody with already diagnosed SEND, it's not all about whether she does actual care, it's being affected that matters) status.

Shopping is too much for young ND children, OP. There’s a lot that’s overwhelming. The fact that your DD took you by surprise shows you just how overwhelmed she would have been. The transition between school and home is a particularly tough one for ND girls, due to masking.

It does sound like your DD has been overlooked due to ‘typical girl’ ASD presentation; perhaps you could flag this with teachers/GP.

It sound like shopping after school was too much op. My dc are both ND and the eldest is only fit for a darkened room with no demands after school.