Public Meltdown - worst experience as a parent :(

[pleasejhelp]

Name changed because I feel like if anyone one saw this they'd recognise me. I don't know what my AIBU is, I just need someone to talk to.

I've got two DC. DS4 has SEN and an EHCP, no diagnosis but likely asd and adhd so I'm used to dealing with meltdowns and refusals and difficulty with transitions. DD6 had some characteristics of asd that I raised as a toddler but HV said no. I do find it coincidental that DS does have an EHCP now so think it is likely DD has some SEN going on. She is very much a perfectionist, very smart and does find it hard when DS doesn't follow rules.

I've just had the worst parenting experience of my life and I don't know what to do.

DD asked for some summer school shoes so we went to the local shopping centre after school. Had a look in one shop and they had none in budget. As we came out there is a branch of a book/toy shop and they asked to look in. I said yes and said they could have £2 pocket money each to pick something small. After 10 mins DD decided to keep her money and DS had wandered around without seeing anything, so I said at that point 'come on then, let's go' DD initially followed out happily, DS started to get upset and pull me back in.

I bent down to say we were going to the next shop now, and as I was explaining this to him DD6 had the biggest meltdown I have ever seen a child have. She threw herself repeatedly onto the hard floor, literally kicking her legs and banging her fists screaming 'I want a toy', I asked her to calm down and told both of them that this behaviour was not acceptable and there is now no way they are going to be having toys. I was being pulled by DS so was trying to explain to him why we came to the shops and what is happening next. I remained calm and tried to explain. DD was running around me stamping her fight, still screaming I want a toy.

I told her absolutely not and her behaviour was unacceptable. She then ran back into the shop and took a toy and brought it outside. I told her she had stolen a toy and to take it back in which she did. She then came back outside and continued screaming I want a toy and started hitting DS.

At this point, it was so bad 2 security guards came over to see what was happening. I am utterly humiliated and must've looked like the worst mother in the world. They were both utterly wild. I carried DS back to go the car and brought them home. I've explained there's no pocket money, no dessert and no iPad time for the rest of the month. I've sent them to their rooms to think about their choices. I feel like a complete failure.

I've just never seen anything like it, ever. Literally from any child, and I've worked with children for a long time. I don't think I could have done anything differently, I was on my own, I gave fair warning we were going to leave the shop, I gave consequences and opportunities for them to calm down. I'm just in shock, particularly about DD.

I suppose my AIBU should be

IABU - poor parenting

IANBU - Sounds SEN related

Whatever the reasons, remember that any parents looking weren’t judging you. They were thinking thank God is not my kids this time x

As someone up thread said, I'd pull back on the consequences, I totally understand why you handed them out but they will be meaningless really at that age. A calm conversation in the morning. Could well have been a post school coke bottle situation. You have my every sympathy it's really hard when they just go bang.

You are not a bad parent OP, you are a good parent who is trying their best.

Yes, the punishment time - effectively two weeks - is a bit long, but you do need to stick to it now - i.e. you don't go back on a consequence already given.

I would reconsider whether a 4 and 6 year old should have pocket money, or iPad access, as that does seem a bit young to me. But others will disagree.

Sympathies, I really feel for you.

I don't think it's bad parenting and I don't know enough about SEN to comment.

Unpopular opinion, but I think a lot of kids these days are just little shits. And I include my own in that.

I don't think they are wholly to blame. I think they are just bombarded with so much - toys! Sweets! Softplay! Activities! that they get very overwhelmed and used to instant gratification.

I'm a caring, involved parent who works hard (part time) in order to provide for my kids financially, plus spend time with them.

And the amount of moaning, whinging, screeching and bickering from them is unreal.

I just didn't behave like that as a child.

So....I don't know what the answer is. But don't feel bad. Everyone's been there.

Shopping is hard work anyway..

Now imagine you've gone out with the expectation of getting something you are quite excited for.

For reasons totally unfathomable to you, you can't get that thing in shop one.

In shop 2 you're told you can have something else... but you can't find a thing that floats your boat, that meets that desire you have for something exciting, as exciting as the shoes were.

You're now pretty much at your threshold for 'keeping my shit together'... and then your small brother chucks a wobbler, which completely throws you off. Thats the final straw and you can't cope any more... kaboom.

And then here comes Mummy making it crystal clear that NOW there is absolutely no way to resolve any of this, its all gone to shit, nothing can be clawed back, the whole thing has spiralled out of control and there is nothing you can do...

Why bother attempting to regulate yourself now? Everything is totally fucked, there is no hope, all that anticipation and excitement is now total misery...

Can you see how throwing in more and more punishment and threats of losing even more is not going to help here?

I can totally understand how you were embarrassed, and I agree that you can't simply stand there as a child has a meltdown and do nothing... but from the childs perspective, she's just been punished in a totally over the top way for... the inability to self regulate in a stressful situation?

Next time - and there will be one - don't shut the door on the chance of recovering the situation. Instead of the ultimate 'right, theres no WAY x is happening now'... how about 'I understand you feel disappointed/upset... lets go over here and calm down for a minute and think/talk about this'... (or if talking isn't appropriate, scoop up child, remove from situation, then find somewhere to calm down)...

And fuck what anyone else thinks, your concern is how your children are coping and feeling, not what a stranger thinks!

OP we have all been there

To make it worse I shouted at all the people who stood watching have a right laugh

Gosh it is utter hell when this happens

Mine are slightly younger but I've had similar experiences - the security guards definitely will have!

I would say that your daughter's behaviour probably wasn't about the toy (or not only about the toy) likely she was tired, hungry, overstimulated from a day at school, something else was bothering her and she had a tantrum. Telling them off and removing them without buying anything was enough of a consequence I think.

I can't comment on whether it's ND related but I would say that even usually well behaved NT children of those ages can occasionally lose the plot so if it's a rare event (which it sounds like it is) then it could just be that.

I can't vote because it's neither. One incident does not a bad parent nor a diagnosis make. They likely just hit each other at an awkward angle (metaphorically) and that's what caused the double explosion.

Talk to them tomorrow, downgrade the punishment to just this weekend and draw a line under it.

If the meltdown is SEN related then punishment won't help anyway, but if you want to be seen as not going back on your word, then hold it but for a shorter period of time. It becomes meaningless if it's for an entire month. Plus you model apologising and adjusting your own behaviour.

If this isn't a common behaviour, then you don't need to do anything more than that. If you find something is a recurring behaviour then it's worth looking at it in terms of triggers, stress load and underlying problems which might be able to be solved.

I do think HVs are a bit slow/dismissive except in very clear cases of physical delays e.g. missing motor or speech milestones. However I understand this is also to do with CAMHS being totally overloaded in many areas so medical and educational staff are encouraged to hold off referral unless a child is severely struggling. Apparently in many areas it is difficult to get any assessments before 8 years of age, so don't discount your instincts if you think DD has something going on too. It doesn't hurt to try and support her to the best of your ability/knowledge too.

It sounds like a hard afternoon for everyone, both your poll answers are wrong though. It's neither parenting or additional needs exclusively, it's a meltdown from a 6 year old that might have had as many reasons for starting as there are colours in the rainbow. While I am full of sympathy and have many been there done that moments, and remember exactly how much they suck and how shameful they feel at the time, they are 6 and 4 according to your post, and yet you are going to enforce 3 separate punishments for the next two weeks ("no pocket money, no dessert and no iPad time for the rest of the month") in addition to removing them from the shop and telling them they couldn't have a treat you agreed to, that's overkill. Don't threaten things you aren't going to follow through with, it's just punishment for you and they won't understand why they are being punished.

It sounds like your 6 year old got confused and behaviour went downhill fast. Did you remind them when they said they wanted to keep their money that would mean they couldn't get a toy, because it's easy for a small child, not to understand the connection between those two choices.

Did your 4 year old actually do anything wrong because it sounds a little like they got dragged in to their siblings meltdown.

Now that everyone is calmer have a conversation with the 6 year old, ask them to apologise to their sibling for hitting and take the time to explain that you didn't like their behaviour today, but that you will always love them.

My daughter has always been hard to manage she's 12 now and reason still doesn't always come to the top of the list so overwhelm frequently becomes meltdown, when she actually calms down enough to listen and speak her first question was always "do you hate me now Mummy", she hates herself and her actions so much she assumed everyone else did too and I couldn't get anywhere with moving forward until she had been reminded that I would always love her.

Here's a ((hug)) for you though so you can find the strength to draw a line and be the parent your children need you to be now that the meltdown is over.

I've had a few similar experiences and can really sympathise. Most people watching will just be feeling a mixture of poor you and feeling grateful if wasn't them today.

I agree that a month seems a lot, once you've all settled a bit I'd have another chat and make it more of an immediate thing. They've had a iPad removal and no toys already.

Sod anyone who's judging.

Ah OP I’ve been there & my dc are both NT. I haven’t answered your poll because it could be neither. It’s just a young child having a meltdown and that happens sometimes. And why is it always over shoes?! I still want to disappear when I remember the time one of my dc kicked the shoe shop lady in a rage over having to buy new shoes!

It sounds like you did a good job in the moment - well done for holding firm and not just buying the things they suddenly wanted.

I agree the punishment is WAY ott & won’t achieve what you want it to. Always better to focus on something related to the actual event along with a whole lot of coaching if you want to modify behaviour. That’s ok though, you can explain to them that you made a mistake with the consequence & instead it’s going to be x, y, z. Or maybe let them earn it back by giving them the chance to show you they can (insert desired behaviour here).

Shopping for ND children is difficult. My DGDs are both ND and I know on several occasions my DD has had to cope with meltdowns in shops. They get overwhelmed with the choice and can't decide. You did the best you could so not your fault and I dare say the security guards have seen worse.

She was initially happy to leave with her money until you had to bend down and speak to son. Could it be an attention thing?

Of course you know your kids and have genuine concerns but dont forget that children do just have epic tantrums at times without it being due to either bad parenting or ND.

Also, well done for staying so calm .

If anything, I'd say the security guards were impressed by that, can you imagine the things they see in there day to day ? 😅

You did brilliantly.

Tbh this is why I avoid shops with kids. Would never go after a school day. They make me want to go dolally so why not the kids...

Buy yourself a foot measure (Clarks do them) then you can measure and shop from the comfort of your own home.

Tbh, it sounds like she was probably over stimulated, hungry, and possibly a bit tired. And, was maybe playing up as she felt you were at the shops for her, and your ds was suddenly getting attention (as in needing help leaving the shop). Especially if you're used to going straight home after school.

My dcnis older and is not sen, but if we change our routine or know we're going to be out longer, we chat about it, I bring a snack and give clear guidelines.

It sounds like you did everything you could. Don't beat yourself up over this.

I don't agree with the other posters. Desserts are treats and are more than fine to be sanctioned. You don't have behaviour like that and then a bowl of ice cream or whatever afterwards. 2 weeks is also fine. I think sanctions/punishments do need to be severe. Desserts, ipad, and pocket money ate all added extras they don't need, and you're not taking away any essential needs from them, just the excess.

My 6 year old is NT and had a screaming fit for bloody ages today as I wouldn’t let him open a birthday present a month early.

the difference between our stories is that you were out and about. Sod’s Law! Honestly, be kind to yourself and try to let it go - is it even parenting if you aren’t routinely humbled by your children in public?! 😀 you did everything right, don’t worry about it

Sounds like a normal bad day. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Sympathies, OP, and I think very well done to you for coping and then dealing with them the way you did, when you got home. Hopefully now they've experienced consequences they'll be less likely to try it again

Don’t worry about it too much. Children loose their shit in public places! Try and have a heart to heart with your daughter when she’s had a good night sleep. Thinking back can she describe her feelings when you went back into the shop to get your son? Was she tired after school or perhaps coming down with something? Does she feel you pay more attention and give more leeway to the younger one? If it’s a one off - you say she’s normally pretty chilled - I would write it off and start afresh. You can remind her about it when she has kids! And maybe schedule a one on one shopping trip just for her. If she is on the spectrum a busy shopping place may just have been too much after school.

Been there! Done that! In the middle of it all you do lose your 'sensibilities' a bit! I used to make wildconsequences but when I, and they had calmed down ie bed time/day after, Would chat and say i know the consequence wasn't right and I was angry ( but never blamed it on the child's behaviour) and wed chat and evaluate what went on.
I once ended sitting on the floor in Paperchase in the shopping centre, holding a 6yr old who was kicking off, never had before, the sweat was hailing out of me. Eventually got both kids back to the car. He was running all over the far park, got him in the car. He was picking up his Siblings booster and chucking it at her. I had to call DH to come because I couldn't keep both of them safe.DH arrived just as he was calming.

Apparently adrenaline, when it hits, takes about 90 mins to subside again. My DSis works eith adults with disabilities and says tantrums rarely last longer, although occasionally will.

Wine or a cuppa and some me time when they're in bed! You will remember it but don't fixate on it. Make a plan for what you would do if it happened again.

You'd make a young kid go 6 weeks with no puddings or screen time because they got overwhelmed and threw a strop in a shop? Woah!!

Having grown up with a sibling who would have meltdowns on a fairly regular basis, I have always felt for parents in this situation. I recall when db decided to deliberately knock over the entire display of heinz soup tins in the supermarket. As if that wasn’t enough he then went outside and laid down in the middle of the road, bringing traffic to a halt. 😬 Mortifying for my poor Mum and he was 15 at the time.

So many parents who have experience like this will feel for you, OP 💐

If it makes you feel better I came in to see whether it was just your child who had the screaming meltdown or if you did too. Don't be embarrassed, even larger kids sometimes get overwhelmed and have a moment. DD is 6 and we haven't had meltdowns over toys but the level of whining every sodding time we go into a shop because she has seen something she wants is driving me crackers. It has got to the point where I now tell her if she whines she loses a toy to the son bin for a day when we get home. And I get to choose which. If you weren't screaming on the floor beside your DD then all is well.

Oh op, a meltdown isn’t behavioural, it’s neurological. No amount of thinking about the consequences and punishments are going to help, it will only shame them.