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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I in the wrong, was I rude?

66 replies

yewpa · 15/05/2024 14:45

Me and ex took dc to playground in pub. Dc is 2. It was late afternoon and neither of us were drinking. We had mentioned on the way that we might both get a coke or lemonade as it was hot.

We got to the bar and the lady asked what we wanted but sort of looked more towards me and so I said a coke please. She immediately turned round to get it and then put it on the bar and turned to look at ex for his order. He had a miserable look on his face and ordered a coke. The lady went to get it and then put the bill through.

I was astonished by how rude ex came across and when out of earshot of the staff I asked why he thought it was ok to barely say thank you to the bar staff. He said I was the one who was rude and that I knew he wanted a soft drink too and why didn’t I turn to him to ask what he wanted before I ordered my own drink.

I didn’t really know what to say so just said that the staff member had looked at me and so I told her what I wanted and reminded him at the same time that I was also checking dd was ok and not running off etc. He said it was very rude and it’s normal to ask the person you are with what they want first, even where the bar staff have made eye contact with one of you (yes I am exhausted typing this as it seems so petty!).

I said regardless, it wasn’t the staff member’s fault and there was no need to be rude to them if he had a problem with me.

(As to why I am at the pub with ex, we take dd out once a week together which we both consider to be nice for her. I know I don’t have to spend time with him and I am questioning it after this behaviour too as it’s not a one off).

AIBU? Was I rude?! I did think perhaps if I was with a friend then I would have asked what they wanted first. It makes my head spin to be honest.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 15/05/2024 14:52

He was rude, you were odd, you're both petty 😁

Not worth the headspace!

yewpa · 15/05/2024 14:53

@takealettermsjones how was I odd? Genuine question, not taking offence 😂

OP posts:
OmuraWhale · 15/05/2024 14:54

I think you need to knock this arrangement on the head to be honest OP. Better for you if you don't need to spend time with him and fight over silly things like this, and less confusing for DD too.

fieldsofbutterflies · 15/05/2024 14:54

I would have asked what he wanted but I don't think you were necessarily being rude not to do so.

But there's no way I'd be going out with my ex once a week - I think you're bonkers for agreeing to do it, tbh.

Aparecium · 15/05/2024 14:55

There's a reason he's your ex.

greenbeansrock · 15/05/2024 14:56

Op check yourself.
look how long your thread is
about your ex
and whether or not he was impolite

surely, surely you have better things to do

takealettermsjones · 15/05/2024 14:57

yewpa · 15/05/2024 14:53

@takealettermsjones how was I odd? Genuine question, not taking offence 😂

I don't mean that you are odd in general 😂 just that it's a bit odd to go to the bar and not order for everyone in your party. But I get that it's an awkward situation with an ex!

IhateSPSS · 15/05/2024 14:57

Just thank a higher being that he's your ex and move on. The grey rock tactic is your friend. You weren't rude.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 15/05/2024 14:58

It is normal for one person out of a pair or group to collate orders and place that order with staff so I am surprised you didn't ask what he wanted as you approached the bar (or him ask you for that matter). I don't see it as rude, just slightly odd.

NerrSnerr · 15/05/2024 14:58

Stop going out with him. I assume he has his own contact with your daughter and this isn't his only time with her?

greenbeansrock · 15/05/2024 14:58

yewpa · 15/05/2024 14:53

@takealettermsjones how was I odd? Genuine question, not taking offence 😂

starting this thread about it OP

greenbeansrock · 15/05/2024 14:59

who paid out of interest??

Balloonhearts · 15/05/2024 14:59

Oh he's being ridiculous. He's not a small child, he can speak for himself, you aren't his mum ffs. The bartender was already asking what he wanted. Presumably you would have thanked her as she handed his drink over and the order was complete.

My cousin and I go out together quite often and I don't think we ever really order for each other unless one of us is in the loo or something. Server comes over and we each say separately what we want. I'd say that's the norm.

BreakingAndBroke · 15/05/2024 15:00

If a barmaid/man asked me what I wanted I would answer. When I worked in a pub (albeit 20+ years ago) it was quite usual to ask the lady first. Some people still do this out of convention. He had to wait what, all of 10 seconds before he placed his own order. He's being a twit to make a big deal of it.

greenbeansrock · 15/05/2024 15:00

*As to why I am at the pub with ex, we take dd out once a week together which we both consider to be nice for her$

what… to sit in a pub and watch her parents bicker? doubt it

Rickrolypoly · 15/05/2024 15:05

Yes I think in this instance you were rude, you could have said to him what do you want and then the bar staff could have got the 2 drinks together. I think that would be the usual thing to do?
However, he should not have been rude to the bar staff, that is on him and not you.
I presume shit like this is why ye broke up eh?

drusth · 15/05/2024 15:07

He's a moody twat. Did you facilitate everything for him when you were together? Do you still do so now?

He's acting like you're his mother!

Is it a money thing, did he purposely stay back so you would pay?

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 15/05/2024 15:09

It’s pretty normal to say “I’ll have a coke” and then look to the next person who will chime in and say “a coke for me too please”.

I wouldn’t have thought anything of that interaction.

Revelatio · 15/05/2024 15:12

Usually I would say, ‘I’ll have a coke, what are you having’ (directed to the person I am with).

Why would your child benefit from playing in the playground whilst her parents sip miserably on a coke? Sounds dreadful for all involved!

yewpa · 15/05/2024 15:17

takealettermsjones · 15/05/2024 14:57

I don't mean that you are odd in general 😂 just that it's a bit odd to go to the bar and not order for everyone in your party. But I get that it's an awkward situation with an ex!

@takealettermsjones we were both at the bar

OP posts:
yewpa · 15/05/2024 15:18

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 15/05/2024 15:09

It’s pretty normal to say “I’ll have a coke” and then look to the next person who will chime in and say “a coke for me too please”.

I wouldn’t have thought anything of that interaction.

@YellowDaffodilRedTulip yes that’s what I assumed was happening but the staff member just went to get my coke straight away

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 15/05/2024 15:18

To answer your question OP, yes, you were wrong and rude to criticize your ex on how he said thank you . So he was rude back. What did you expect?
Why would you want to get in an argument with your ex? Why bother spend time with him if he bothers you so much ?

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2024 15:21

Why are you playing happy families with your ex?

greenbeansrock · 15/05/2024 15:22

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2024 15:21

Why are you playing happy families with your ex?

well they’re not really playing “happy families” are they?!

Floatinginatincan · 15/05/2024 15:25

It reads like you were looking for something to pick a fight over and a complete non-event.