Am I in the wrong, was I rude?

[yewpa]

Me and ex took dc to playground in pub. Dc is 2. It was late afternoon and neither of us were drinking. We had mentioned on the way that we might both get a coke or lemonade as it was hot.

We got to the bar and the lady asked what we wanted but sort of looked more towards me and so I said a coke please. She immediately turned round to get it and then put it on the bar and turned to look at ex for his order. He had a miserable look on his face and ordered a coke. The lady went to get it and then put the bill through.

I was astonished by how rude ex came across and when out of earshot of the staff I asked why he thought it was ok to barely say thank you to the bar staff. He said I was the one who was rude and that I knew he wanted a soft drink too and why didn’t I turn to him to ask what he wanted before I ordered my own drink.

I didn’t really know what to say so just said that the staff member had looked at me and so I told her what I wanted and reminded him at the same time that I was also checking dd was ok and not running off etc. He said it was very rude and it’s normal to ask the person you are with what they want first, even where the bar staff have made eye contact with one of you (yes I am exhausted typing this as it seems so petty!).

I said regardless, it wasn’t the staff member’s fault and there was no need to be rude to them if he had a problem with me.

(As to why I am at the pub with ex, we take dd out once a week together which we both consider to be nice for her. I know I don’t have to spend time with him and I am questioning it after this behaviour too as it’s not a one off).

AIBU? Was I rude?! I did think perhaps if I was with a friend then I would have asked what they wanted first. It makes my head spin to be honest.

@greenbeansrock
They're going on unnecessary outings together

He's an ex for a reason op

Typical out with the ex behaviour. There are unresolved issues between you and he's being PA. Technically yes, it is often the done thing for the one person to order for both, but its by no means a golden rule of etiquette and no way should it have been made an issue of in a situation where both of you were supposedly putting your feelings to one side for DD. Does he want to get back together and you don't, out of interest?

my ex and I take our children out together very regularly

in fact we’re going out for lunch with youngest and then on to watch eldest play rugby this coming weekend!

Hes my best friend (just utterly unsuited to living with anyone!!)

it was the fact you said “happy” families

i don’t see any evidence of happiness being on display!

Oh I see, yes playing unhappy families in this case then

I just meant as her ex seems a bit of an idiot, why go anywhere with him? Appreciate some exes are OK

He's mental. If I thought I was being asked what I wanted then I'd say what I want - I might then look at the person with me to prompt them to order but I'd never order on their behalf unless we'd discussed me doing so and I was 100% clear on what they wanted.

I always drink the same thing, so if I'm paying, I'll order mine and check with dp then as his tends to be weather dependent. Never realised it was rude as I always say thank you to the bar staff and he's never queried me asking but is grateful I check if it's warm enough for choice number two.

Over reaction from him.

Ultimately, regardless of whether you asked or not, is he aged 5 getting annoyed at something like this? No wonder he's an ex.

So 9 months a year I am 'pinot grigio and an esb please', in fact they mostly start pouring when they see us as it is a league of gentlemen pub, but in the summer I'll query as to whether it's a cider.

We have hit the right temperature twice this year so far....

He’s a twat. She looked at you to order. You didn’t stop her asking him.

He sounds really ridiculous. Even if he thought that was the usual form, it would be a complete non event. He was spoiling for a pointless fight with you. Don’t go places with him any more.

You were not rude, he was a twat and I can totally see why he's an ex😁

Me and my ex are civil with eachother so we still take our DS out together,however we are both single, might be different if we both wasn't ...Your ex sounds like he was in a bad mood, or is this what has been happening every time you both go out together with your DC ?If that is the case it might be better to go out separately with your DC to avoid him guilt tripping you.

He’s a prick and I’d suggest stopping these
joint meetings for dds sake as it sounds like it’s crap for her to overhear etc.
If dh and I are at the bar together we will each order our own because we both want to see what’s there. Obviously if we are there sitting down already with a drink then one of us will say do you want another x and go up and order both drinks but if you’re both stood together it’s reasonable to say what you each want. It really doesn’t necessitate a prior conversation.
He’s being a dick, you know this, it’s why he’s your ex!

He's making you completely overthink your behaviour. Good that he's an ex as he sounds awfully hard work.

I’m not surprised this miserable grump is an ex.

I was astonished by how rude ex came across and when out of earshot of the staff I asked why he thought it was ok to barely say thank you to the bar staff.

How rude could he have been if he asked for a drink and then said thanks? Why berate him?

@KrisAkabusi he didn’t acknowledge her

@KrisAkabusi i could have ignored it but this is my local pub and I was embarrassed by him

I think the people saying you were odd are odd.
It's not like 1 of you was sitting with dd and the other went up to order in which case I agree 1 person would order for both.
You both approached the bar at the same time.
Barmaid asked you what you wanted - for you to have turned to ex and say 'what do you want' would have unnecessarily prolonged the exchange, if he then said "a lemonade" and you to repeat to the barmaid "a lemonade" as if he was too shy to speak for himself. She probably would have found that very weird and rude.

Unless someone can't speak the language or is very young or can't speak due to mental/physical ill health surely most people just say what they want themselves rather than going through a third party?
You ordering for him when he's right there and perfectly capable of ordering himself would have seemed much weirder to me.
And like you say, even if he was annoyed at you, rude to take it out on anyone else.

I think it would have been better to order for both of you as she might have walked off after your order because she thought he wasn’t ordering but yes as others said it wasn’t really worthy of an argument

Did he not acknowledge her or did he barely say thank-you? Those are two different things

Also, a bloke just giving a vague nod or whatever is the least rude thing she'll deal with and is a none event

It sounds like OP was the one spoiling for a fight tbh

@ButWhatAboutTheBees he had a miserable and serious look on his face, the woman looked at him like he was a bit odd (rude).

I think you are reading too much into what you perceive to be peoples expressions tbh

You're giving this way too much head space.

I also think it's not a good idea to keep spending time with your ex if this is how an everyday interaction in the pub makes you feel.