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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cost of therapy

139 replies

lanya · 15/05/2024 07:57

My DH goes to therapy twice a week. This is a very long term thing. He's been going for about 10 years once a week and upped it to twice a week last year.

This is now costing costs upwards of £7000 a year which is not a small chunk of our income.

I've needed therapy on and off too and I am in therapy at the moment, once a week, but I will stop when I am feeling better. I see therapy as something you do when you have a particular problem/ issue and the ideal is to live your life without it. He sees it as a long term thing.

I am really struggling with the amount of money we're spending on his therapy and I would like him to cut back to once a week but I feel I might be being unreasonable, as he does have depression and chronic health issues that he is dealing with.

He feels he needs it and it is helping, but I haven't seen any difference in him since he started going twice a week. He still gets just as depressed and seems to struggle just as much with life. I just feel like he is dependent on his therapist and it's a bit navel-gazing to be honest, I don't know if it's actually making a noticeable difference in his life anymore.

I haven't voiced any of this with him really because I want to be supportive and I respect that he feels he needs it.

We're not struggling to pay bills etc, it's just that we're not saving as much as we'd like to and this is probably our biggest cost. He complains about the cost if we get a takeaway etc. so I feel like we have to cut back on luxuries yet he is having huge amounts of therapy which cost a fortune.

AIBU to ask him to stop? What would you do?

OP posts:
TwelveAngryWhiskers · 15/05/2024 08:04

That's a huge amount of money. Do you know why it was upped to twice a week? I find it hard to imagine what there could possibly be left to say after 10 years.

PinkyFlamingo · 15/05/2024 08:07

To be in therapy for this length of time isn't normal and if there is little change I would suspect the therapist doesn't want to lose the income really.

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 15/05/2024 08:07

Therapy does cost a fortune. I am a trainee therapist it costs a fortune privately as it’s costs a fortune to train, get supervision, pay tax etc. there are only so many hours a week you can work, as it is intense. Can I suggest you go for couples therapy about this. You have your issues, so does he. Maybe there’s something you could uncover together that might help pave the way forward. Important to have a plan and goal for therapy. What is his therapists style? Humanistic or integrative I think are best at getting to the heart of the issue and on the path to truth and wholeness. Btw, my therapist would not do more than an hour a week as it’s not enough time between sessions. I can see why a therapist would agree to it, it’s more pay but maybe there are reasons. On the other hand, maybe it’s something he enjoys, talking at depth about things with his therapist. If it’s his thing, maybe it’s not a waste, you’d just hope there’s a treatment plan and objectives. And if it’s not being effective, the plan being revisited to see what’s not working. Go together tho, I think for a few sessions.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 15/05/2024 08:07

Honestly? If you’re not skint then I have NO idea why you’re not supporting your husband in this.

Sorry, but I think you sound mean ( and tight) and a bit like a brat, therapy isn’t really a nice to have luxury! He obviously requires is - do you really think saving for a holiday / car / rainy day, having a takeaway is more important than your husbands wellbeing?

edited to add : imagine if you had posted the reverse of this ‘my husband thinks I spend too much on my therapy and thinks we should save and have treats instead’ IMAGINE THE RAGE OF MN there would be LTB’s all over the shop!

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 15/05/2024 08:09

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 15/05/2024 08:07

Honestly? If you’re not skint then I have NO idea why you’re not supporting your husband in this.

Sorry, but I think you sound mean ( and tight) and a bit like a brat, therapy isn’t really a nice to have luxury! He obviously requires is - do you really think saving for a holiday / car / rainy day, having a takeaway is more important than your husbands wellbeing?

edited to add : imagine if you had posted the reverse of this ‘my husband thinks I spend too much on my therapy and thinks we should save and have treats instead’ IMAGINE THE RAGE OF MN there would be LTB’s all over the shop!

Edited

Wow

SoLookUpTonight · 15/05/2024 08:12

We're not struggling to pay bills etc, it's just that we're not saving as much as we'd like to and this is probably our biggest cost.

He thinks it’s helping and you can afford it, so I do think YABU.

He complains about the cost if we get a takeaway etc. so I feel like we have to cut back on luxuries yet he is having huge amounts of therapy which cost a fortune.*

I’d be having a takeaway or whatever else you like if I was you.

SoLookUpTonight · 15/05/2024 08:13

Cant edit but 3rd paragraph should be in bold.

CommentNow · 15/05/2024 08:14

The problem appears to be that you don't feel like there is much space on the relationship for you.

I feel s sorry for him, honestly I do. But 10 years indicates that this isn't something he is going to come through any time soon and 10 years is a lot of time to be putting yourself in second place. I think you need to come to terms with this being your forever situation, not something you are temporarily supporting him through and you need to figure out if that's bearable.

Agix · 15/05/2024 08:14

For some people, therapy is a short term thing. For others, therapy might be needed their whole lives. It depends on the extent or severity if their health issues.

Think of it like medication. Some people just need a course. Others have conditions that means they'll need it until they die.

You say you don't see a difference, but it matters more than he feels one.

At most, in your shoes, I'd ask him to consider requesting therapy from the NHS... But if he hasn't taken that pathway before, it might be some time until they confirm his mental health is problem enough to warrent long term therapy.

That said, if we could afford it as you say you can, I wouldn't mess with it at all.

Greyheronsarethebest · 15/05/2024 08:16

This is an insane amount of therapy (session/length wise) and not normal. Is it not effective? if he needs it, can he access it on the NHS? Can you share what is it for?

mynameiscalypso · 15/05/2024 08:17

I think it's difficult if you have different expectations and views of therapy. I'm in long term therapy and yes, it's expensive, but without it, I'd probably not be alive and therefore it's an essential to me.

Original poster
lanya · 15/05/2024 08:19

Greyheronsarethebest · 15/05/2024 08:16

This is an insane amount of therapy (session/length wise) and not normal. Is it not effective? if he needs it, can he access it on the NHS? Can you share what is it for?

This is the thing - it's not really "for" any one thing in particular - other than that he generally struggles to cope with life. He gets depressed, he gets tired and has some health issues. He has a stressful job.

I just feel like it should be working towards him coping on his own and not needing it but he says his therapist never talks to him about goals of therapy or reviews or anything. It's just long term talking.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 15/05/2024 08:19

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 15/05/2024 08:07

Therapy does cost a fortune. I am a trainee therapist it costs a fortune privately as it’s costs a fortune to train, get supervision, pay tax etc. there are only so many hours a week you can work, as it is intense. Can I suggest you go for couples therapy about this. You have your issues, so does he. Maybe there’s something you could uncover together that might help pave the way forward. Important to have a plan and goal for therapy. What is his therapists style? Humanistic or integrative I think are best at getting to the heart of the issue and on the path to truth and wholeness. Btw, my therapist would not do more than an hour a week as it’s not enough time between sessions. I can see why a therapist would agree to it, it’s more pay but maybe there are reasons. On the other hand, maybe it’s something he enjoys, talking at depth about things with his therapist. If it’s his thing, maybe it’s not a waste, you’d just hope there’s a treatment plan and objectives. And if it’s not being effective, the plan being revisited to see what’s not working. Go together tho, I think for a few sessions.

Therapy absolutely does not have to cost a fortune, certainly not £7k a year for 10 years. That’s nothing like what I’ve paid, and I had some serious stuff to work through including CPTSD.

There has to be a point one questions if it is actually helping, there is a risk the therapist is keeping him on because it’s good income. Any therapist I’ve seen has always done periodic reviews to make sure we’ve progressed and are working towards proper closure.

OVienna · 15/05/2024 08:20

Have you explored what triggered the second visit per week, after so many years in therapy already?

This is what I'd be wondering about.

I think I'd focus on that rather than the cost for the time being.

There have been a few recent press articles about the dynamic between therapist and patient recently.

Who proposed the additional session? Has he seen his GP recently too?

CharlotteRumpling · 15/05/2024 08:21

I think a lot of people can get overly reliant on therapy and unable to operate without it. Hard to say if your DH is one of them.

Pistachiovillian · 15/05/2024 08:22

I'm a therapist and I have a couple of longer term clients who feel they need it to cope but I do review. The therapist should be reviewing IMO. You'd not be unreasonable to ask him to perhaps aim to gradually reducing it to at least fortnightly then monthly, then eventually having periods of time without it, especially if you're not always spending equivalent amounts on yourself.

SquirrelSoShiny · 15/05/2024 08:22

If it's twice a week it's probably psychotherapy. It could literally go on for years and years. It probably is helpful for him but even doing once a week would help.

OVienna · 15/05/2024 08:26

lanya · 15/05/2024 08:19

This is the thing - it's not really "for" any one thing in particular - other than that he generally struggles to cope with life. He gets depressed, he gets tired and has some health issues. He has a stressful job.

I just feel like it should be working towards him coping on his own and not needing it but he says his therapist never talks to him about goals of therapy or reviews or anything. It's just long term talking.

Show quote history

Do you think there's a chance he's not been open with you about what it's for? I'm getting the vibe he's communicating with the therapist and not you. Not sure I'd pay for even more therapy (couples) but it might come to that.

Roseau18 · 15/05/2024 08:44

Several.sessions a week for many years is common in psychoanalytic psychotherapy,, and this type of therapy doesn't establish particular goals or a time scale. Two sessions a week feels very différent to one.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 15/05/2024 08:45

I think a good deal here rides on what your idea of "therapy" is.

It is something where you get better by "being given information" ie the insight and observation of the therapist - which you then use for n a cognitive way? I can see that you could set goals for that kind of work and that there must be a limit to how many times "information" can be shared and digested.

Or, is it a relationship between the therapist and the patient? What is said is important of course, but there is so much more going on. The therapist is a parent to the child in the patient. It's a long relationship that mirrors the dynamics of a good parent/child relationship - this being the setting in which children (and adults) can really develop, grow and change.

As we all know children raised without that kind of relationship do not develop emotionally and psychologically as they should. Children held in a warm, boundaried, responsive yet firm relationship with an adult, do develop and thrive, emotionally and psychologically. The dependence of the patient on the analyst/therapist isn't an anomaly in this kind of therapy - it's normal - in fact it is the whole point and the anxieties it produces are one of the big challenges to work through, for adult
patients just as for children.

If the therapy is CBT or other types it might be more of the first kind.

If it's psychoanalytical, it will all be about a long term journey. Not only about "what is said" but what the therapist is providing for your DH, which is the parental containing and limiting function as well as the careful attention that is needed to grow and develop.

Which is a real gift to be able to experience- especially if you didn't get much of it as a child - and easily worth £7000 a year assuming that this affordable. I can't think of what else would be more worth spending the money on. Is it really better off in the bank at a tiny interest rate?

You say it might not be helping but that is hard to assess. Your DH values it and you can afford it so I would not mess with it.

My DH and I have both had this type of therapy long term and intensively. It has been the greatest gift of my life as well as the biggest challenge and a great sacrifice to be able to afford and make time for.

Without it my DH would be dead - and while I don't think I would be dead (too manic a personality for that) I am pretty sure I would be bankrupt and probably divorced, due to some of my difficulties in being able to be a proper adult.

Bottom line is you can't grow unless you invest in yourself.

Perhaps there is an element of envy - you too would like someone to attend to and care for you, twice a week? Valid feelings if so!

Octavia64 · 15/05/2024 08:50

There are some sorts of therapy that are intended to be short term and aimed at giving people the tools to change their own lives (cbt and others)

There are other sorts of therapy where they are intended to be long term and really dig down into the past (eg psychotherapy)

If he has deliberately chosen the long term sort then complaining that it is going on for a long time is odd and you should raise this with him.

I have had therapy in the past for quite long periods which I have found very helpful. You say that you don't see how it is helping but does your DH feel it is helping?

SENparent96 · 15/05/2024 08:50

PinkyFlamingo · 15/05/2024 08:07

To be in therapy for this length of time isn't normal and if there is little change I would suspect the therapist doesn't want to lose the income really.

I’m sorry but I would disagree with this. There is a lot of MH issues that are life-long and sometimes people need that regular check-in with a therapist to keep on top of it. I have had private therapy for well over a year now and don’t see it stopping anytime soon, because the NHS way of doing it (a few weeks then you have to take a 6 month break) just wasn’t working for me.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 15/05/2024 08:56

Therapy is not supposed to be an ongoing crutch. It's about working towards no longer needing a therapist .

Is he with the same therapist? To keep a client for ten years is unethical.

OVienna · 15/05/2024 08:56

BumpyaDaisyevna · 15/05/2024 08:45

I think a good deal here rides on what your idea of "therapy" is.

It is something where you get better by "being given information" ie the insight and observation of the therapist - which you then use for n a cognitive way? I can see that you could set goals for that kind of work and that there must be a limit to how many times "information" can be shared and digested.

Or, is it a relationship between the therapist and the patient? What is said is important of course, but there is so much more going on. The therapist is a parent to the child in the patient. It's a long relationship that mirrors the dynamics of a good parent/child relationship - this being the setting in which children (and adults) can really develop, grow and change.

As we all know children raised without that kind of relationship do not develop emotionally and psychologically as they should. Children held in a warm, boundaried, responsive yet firm relationship with an adult, do develop and thrive, emotionally and psychologically. The dependence of the patient on the analyst/therapist isn't an anomaly in this kind of therapy - it's normal - in fact it is the whole point and the anxieties it produces are one of the big challenges to work through, for adult
patients just as for children.

If the therapy is CBT or other types it might be more of the first kind.

If it's psychoanalytical, it will all be about a long term journey. Not only about "what is said" but what the therapist is providing for your DH, which is the parental containing and limiting function as well as the careful attention that is needed to grow and develop.

Which is a real gift to be able to experience- especially if you didn't get much of it as a child - and easily worth £7000 a year assuming that this affordable. I can't think of what else would be more worth spending the money on. Is it really better off in the bank at a tiny interest rate?

You say it might not be helping but that is hard to assess. Your DH values it and you can afford it so I would not mess with it.

My DH and I have both had this type of therapy long term and intensively. It has been the greatest gift of my life as well as the biggest challenge and a great sacrifice to be able to afford and make time for.

Without it my DH would be dead - and while I don't think I would be dead (too manic a personality for that) I am pretty sure I would be bankrupt and probably divorced, due to some of my difficulties in being able to be a proper adult.

Bottom line is you can't grow unless you invest in yourself.

Perhaps there is an element of envy - you too would like someone to attend to and care for you, twice a week? Valid feelings if so!

Yes. Agree with this.

What it feels like is happening here though is that there are parallel conversations going on - the DH with his therapist (over a long time and increasingly) and the OP with hers and little flow in between them that addresses what need is being met.

That's what I'm getting here - both of them seem to think their needs aren't well understood/being met by the partner.

So the OP is perhaps mystified and feeling cut off and therefore focusing on the costs and her DH's resentment, in contrast, if she and the family are doing what they need.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 15/05/2024 09:04

That is a long time in therapy. It's supposed to be about getting to a better place not a crutch.
I

Is it the same therapist. It's unethical to see a client for that long.

I'd question what benefits there are at this point and whether he is too attached to the therapist to move on.