Cost of therapy

[lanya]

My DH goes to therapy twice a week. This is a very long term thing. He's been going for about 10 years once a week and upped it to twice a week last year.

This is now costing costs upwards of £7000 a year which is not a small chunk of our income.

I've needed therapy on and off too and I am in therapy at the moment, once a week, but I will stop when I am feeling better. I see therapy as something you do when you have a particular problem/ issue and the ideal is to live your life without it. He sees it as a long term thing.

I am really struggling with the amount of money we're spending on his therapy and I would like him to cut back to once a week but I feel I might be being unreasonable, as he does have depression and chronic health issues that he is dealing with.

He feels he needs it and it is helping, but I haven't seen any difference in him since he started going twice a week. He still gets just as depressed and seems to struggle just as much with life. I just feel like he is dependent on his therapist and it's a bit navel-gazing to be honest, I don't know if it's actually making a noticeable difference in his life anymore.

I haven't voiced any of this with him really because I want to be supportive and I respect that he feels he needs it.

We're not struggling to pay bills etc, it's just that we're not saving as much as we'd like to and this is probably our biggest cost. He complains about the cost if we get a takeaway etc. so I feel like we have to cut back on luxuries yet he is having huge amounts of therapy which cost a fortune.

AIBU to ask him to stop? What would you do?

This is a really interesting thread, so many different experiences of therapy, and different types of therapy, it is difficult to compare like with like really.

Person centred psychotherapy once a week for 6 months is a totally treatment/way of working from e.g. 5 years of 3 to 5 times a week of psychoanalysis/psychoanalytic psychotherapy.

None of us are talking about the same thing.

I have had many years of intensive analytic therapy. My analyst's purpose is definitely not to validate nor soothe me.

Her purposes is to help me know all the parts of myself, as well as to know reality - which can be painful to accept - and to be with me to help me bear it.

As such, it has been one of the most painful and yet valuable experiences of my life.

I always laugh when people talk about therapy being to soothe/validate/allow people to navel gaze. I wish!

Perhaps he wouldn’t need to talk about his work stress or depression quite so much if he wasn’t spending £7,000+ a year on a therapist and could cut his work hours or find a less stressful job and give himself more time to focus on his wellbeing through relaxation and exercise.

I would also say that I would be getting a takeaway (or other treats) if I want one & it's not for him to unilaterally decide what our disposable income can be spent on.

@CrappySack I know I could do this and I doubt that he would really argue, but he'd see therapy as a health need and a different thing to a takeaway.

And although we are married and pool all our resources, he earns the largest chunk of our joint money, by quite a long way.

Yes, is it at all possible to change his job? I assume not.

That is not a fact.

Many people who have psychoanalytic psychotherapy will go 2 or 3 times a week. People in traditional psychoanalysis will go 5 times a week. Nothing insane about it at all. It's not the same as seeing a short term counsellor / therapist.

To be honest, that's the crux of what I believe and I would fully support him in cutting his hours and focussing on his wellbeing.

But I don't think he feels the same.

Even though his job is stressful and (I think) negatively impact his health, he says it gives him his sense of identity and purpose.

He hates exercising and only does it because he knows it makes me happy to see him doing it. If it wasn't for me I think he would just sit indoors and watch TV for 90% of his free time.

Very much possible, but he would not want to. It's a very important job and although he finds it stressful he says it gives him purpose. He's very attached to it but I feel it impacts him quite negatively as well.

Right so he doesn't exercise willingly-which is well proven to help depression-and he won't look for another job. I have lost some sympathy. I would definitely not be giving up takeaways and holidays to enable his self soothing.

I mean I suppose the crux of my whole thread is that I'm losing a bit of sympathy/ patience with the therapy as well. I just don't know what to do.

Would it be an option for him to try a different form of therapy?

PPs have correctly pointed out that psychoanalysis can be very long term and may be done multiple times per week instead of the standard once per week with most other treatments. It's possible that he could access the same benefits with a different form of therapy but it depends on why he is in psychoanalysis in the first place.

I also agree that more therapy is not the answer.
I have long term clients but we review a lot, look at goals, reflect, needs, look at endings if appropriate and always work towards this.
A good therapist will give their client the time and space they need but will also recognise when it has gone beyond therapeutic.
Is he using his therapy so he doesn't have to bring stress etc home OP?

The situation is complicated.

Psychodynamic therapy is traditionally 5 days a week so twice a week isn't unreasonable for that tradition.

If he earns the lions share of the joint money then maybe you could argue for a different financial set up where you both pay towards joint bills in proportion to your earnings and then the therapy cost comes out of "his" money and you can spend "your" money in takeaways.

I have spoken to him about that but he won't try a different form of therapy because he is very attached to the therapy he is having and his current therapist.

I think that says a lot...

I don't think that would really make much difference as it is still all joint money, we are married so it's all money towards our future, houses, health needs, retirement, etc. We have allocated spending money each month that doesn't include therapy (for either of us). Therapy comes out of a different pot.

Could he try something such as CBT for example where he’s learns ways to help himself?

I think he just doesn't think he needs to help himself. It's weird really. I had a whole conversation with him this morning telling him I was worried about his depression etc and it's almost like he denies there's a problem. But then it's like.... why are you having therapy twice a week if there isn't a problem?

It's just confusing to be honest. He definitely would not agree that he needs CBT.

For me personally, if he requires (in his mind) £7000 a year worth of therapy to function, still needed after 10 years, isn't willing to make normal healthy changes to his life but expects you to go without things that make you happy it would be time to end the marriage.

2 sessions of therapy a week is alot to fit in with normal life, I presume you don't have DC? At the least I'd be asking him to find a new therapist.

I'd be losing sympathy too.

He's taking the piss. If he's had 10 years of therapy and still just wants to sit around watching TV, and complains about his stressful job but won't change anything, it isn't helping.

It's like you said, just 'talking' and navel-gazing.

Is he on any medication?

I saw an interesting interview with Professor David Nutt about his research into psychedelic use for treatment-resistant depression. Which has astonishing results but there was a group in the research cohort who just reverted back relatively quickly because their entire identity and existence was wrapped up in "being a depressive" and they couldn't tolerate being not depressed and what it meant to their lives and relationships.

@Knockknockknockety He doesn't expect me to go without things that make me happy. If I say I want a takeaway or something, as I said, he will moan a bit about the cost and needing to save etc but wouldn't say no.

He sees the therapy as a health need so sees it differently to luxuries.

If I said I needed therapy twice a week he wouldn't hesitate to agree to it.

But I think I see twice weekly therapy as a luxury.

@BePinkReader Yes he's on medication as well. I don't think he would want to take psychedelics and to be honest I'd also be hesitant, although I do understand your point. This is all part of his identity, to the extent that I don't think he even sees anything unusual about the way he is.

It doesn't matter how he sees therapy, he is not in charge of how everyone in the household should feel. It seems to me that therapy and treats have the same benefits. His happiness is not more important than yours, regardless of how he has framed it to you.

@lanya as you said up thread, your DH is very attached to the therapy and the therapist so it seems reasonable to conclude that the sessions are feeding an addiction of sorts. I suspect your DH can't see past his own needs because of this and that is why he won't consider any other type of therapy or taking a break.

My other thought is, if psychoanalysis is usually carried out over several sessions per week, why is it that your DH is only now (after ten years) increasing to two sessions?

He's not in love with his therapist is he? Just throwing it out there! There was a thread about it recently.

"I just feel like it should be working towards him coping on his own and not needing it but he says his therapist never talks to him about goals of therapy or reviews or anything. It's just long term talking."

I'd also question the long-term dependancy and whether it's serving your partner's ability to build resilience and self-awareness. I say that as someone who has hugely benefitted from therapy over the years and done some training in this area as well/worked in the community mental health field.

In my household we use our personal budgets to pay for therapies (couples therapy would come our of the joint budget) - this is an equal amount of money we both have to spend on whatever we want each month. This works for us as it allows us to meet our different needs and ever-changing priorities. If you chose to do something like this, your husband's choice of 2 sessions a week would be his financial compromise to work out.

I might take a different approach if a partner had experienced Eg a recent trauma, but for something long-term I don't think it's reasonable that the compromise on other lifestyle aspects is both of yours.