Cost of therapy

[lanya]

My DH goes to therapy twice a week. This is a very long term thing. He's been going for about 10 years once a week and upped it to twice a week last year.

This is now costing costs upwards of £7000 a year which is not a small chunk of our income.

I've needed therapy on and off too and I am in therapy at the moment, once a week, but I will stop when I am feeling better. I see therapy as something you do when you have a particular problem/ issue and the ideal is to live your life without it. He sees it as a long term thing.

I am really struggling with the amount of money we're spending on his therapy and I would like him to cut back to once a week but I feel I might be being unreasonable, as he does have depression and chronic health issues that he is dealing with.

He feels he needs it and it is helping, but I haven't seen any difference in him since he started going twice a week. He still gets just as depressed and seems to struggle just as much with life. I just feel like he is dependent on his therapist and it's a bit navel-gazing to be honest, I don't know if it's actually making a noticeable difference in his life anymore.

I haven't voiced any of this with him really because I want to be supportive and I respect that he feels he needs it.

We're not struggling to pay bills etc, it's just that we're not saving as much as we'd like to and this is probably our biggest cost. He complains about the cost if we get a takeaway etc. so I feel like we have to cut back on luxuries yet he is having huge amounts of therapy which cost a fortune.

AIBU to ask him to stop? What would you do?

What does your therapist have to say about this?

If you read back through the comments this is exactly what I am pointing out. Friends aren't the same as therapists.

So if he had more distractions outside of work, he might be able to cut down or eventually stop the therapy? But as you have said he doesn't seem interested in doing things other than work, therapy and tv and doesn't want to change anything.

I think that's your problem. He doesn't want to change anything about his life - not his job, the therapy, his hobbies. The therapy is just one expensive part of the jigsaw.

@Choux Yes exactly and sometimes I wish he would change a few things to help his own wellbeing and mental health.

Although to be honest, having just been reading some other threads on mumsnet about men, I do feel lucky to have my husband.

He has a good job and income. He cooks. He cleans. He showers every day. My family love him. He doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body. He loves me massively.

It could be a lot worse.

I do worry about this therapy stuff but generally I am pretty lucky.

So really I probably just need to get over this, accept it as a compromise, and leave him to do what he feels best with his therapy.

I could give you a very long answer to the questions here but essentially two sessions a week of psychotherapy will be working at real depth. It will likely be working with very deep rooted issues and patterns of relating. It's difficult to explain unless you have ever been in therapy. Some people benefit from 6 weeks of CBT; many people do not because they are dealing with long term issues and trauma.

It's not for you to decide the value of therapy for your husband BUT it's okay to look at how family money is spent and make an agreement about that.

I know they’re not, but we should be able to offload to our friends as we do our partners, a space where we feel accepted and heard. ‘Offload’ being the word you used to describe what you believe is going on in those sessions. And that’s not what therapy is about, but believe me, lots of clients love that space to vent and don’t mind paying for it. The unpalatable truth is that some therapists in private practice only give a shit about getting their clients through their doors for financial gain, similarly with some trainee therapists, so they can get their hours to qualify. There has to be therapeutic change going on, regardless of the modality. His therapist never doing reviews to me speaks volumes about their ethical stance.

I think you need to have a budget for joint stuff (need and joint fun) and then a budget for 'me stuff'

He might think your Botox or horse riding or manicures or theatre trips with your pals or Uber habits are a waste, but you wouldn't want him to comment - this can only work if you have some 'just for me to spend how i like' money in the budget

he’s been in full time therapy for 10 years! I think op has been very supportive.

10 years in therapy is a long time. I was in (NHS) therapy for 5, but there were goals and end points to work towards.

So, I've been thinking a lot about this thread. I'm in therapy now and was in it for four years, prior to the birth of my first DC. I went on an immediate hiatus with that first therapist and didn't look back. I had gotten into a phase with her where I didn't really know how to end it so we just carried on and on and on.

All of that said, I think there are some people who do need therapy for ten years and maybe more than once a week. For example, if the OP is married to Charles Spencer I'd tell her to let him crack on, having listened to A Very Private School.

Even after the OPs updates I'm still feeling there's not good communication between them as to what the therapy is really about.

£7k a year is about £70 a session twice a week. Some city center therapists I know cost £90 a session while others in posh post codes cost a lot more. Agree the question to be answered is is it actually helping the man.there has to be a vested interest on the part of the therapist for keeping him on for the cash flow

£7 a year over 10 years is £70k. That therapist is laughing all the way to the bank.

I’m not saying a good therapist isn’t worth it - they are. I’m saying just like any profession you will get some who milk the cash cow.

This man seems to have no deep rooted issues/trauma from what OP has said, just low level depression, and 10 years of therapy hasn’t helped it. His wife isn’t seeing a change and the therapist doesn’t appear to be doing proper reviews. It’s sounding pretty unethical to me.

Time to take stock, review and make some actual changes. Therapy shouldn’t be a weekly moan about life.

I'm glad he's good in so many other ways.

Remember that it is ok for you to express concerns and opinions on anything too though.

I suppose if he is so good, maybe the therapy helps. I am not being sarcastic.