To be so upset with my dad for this?

[Lostinconversation]

2 weeks ago my grandad on my mums side passed away. I was very close to him, and am also very close to the grandad on my dad’s side and we talk every day. I desperately wanted someone to speak to as I was so upset so I called my grandad to tell him the news about my other grandad and get some support.

I’m not super close with my dad. We do speak and see each other occasionally but when my grandad passed away I didn’t tell him straight away. The only person who knew aside from my mums side of the family was my grandad on dads side.

Two days ago my dad text me to ask if I would be in this week for him to drop off my birthday card. He asked if I was up to anything for my birthday and I replied saying “no plans, unfortunately my grandad passed away and I’m not dealing with it very well. I’ll just be spending time with my grandma” he replied saying “yes I heard about that, grandad told me. I’ll just stop by after work and post your card on Wednesday”

I instantly felt so heartbroken by this. He knew all this time and has not contacted me to offer any support or ask if I am ok. Fair enough maybe he didn’t say anything because I hadn’t told him myself and didn’t want to bring it up before I was ready. But when I told him in my text he didn’t even say “sorry to hear about that” the bare minimum! I have had more sympathy off strangers. I’ve never read such a cold text message before in response to such a thing. It’s made me feel so utterly unworthy of his love and support. I gave him more in response to his dog dying. I’m not sure whether I am being reasonable or whether my emotions at the moment are making me feel worse and exaggerate. But I can’t bring myself to reply. I haven’t replied to him since. To know that my dad knows I’m upset and struggling and dealing with this and hasn’t uttered a word of condolences or kindness is really upsetting me. He just simply doesn’t care and can’t even be bothered to pretend to care. I am his only child and I just get nothing from him.

Please could I get some outside perspective on this?

No advice but would like to see replies to you.

I am so sorry that your Dad isn't supporting you. I lost my mum and my Dad didn't seem to understand or ignored the fact that sisters and me were struggling, it was more of the case that he lost his wife and he was the only person affected. My Grandad passed away a couple of days ago (his Dad) and I've made sure he knows I'm there if he needs it. Whether this is the right things to do, I'm not sure.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandad, it's so very upsetting. Is there anyone else who can support you? Don't forget to take as much time as you need. There are no rules with grief, it can come in waves. Please be kind to yourself and remember that everything takes time xxx

That’s the thing, I know that if the roles were reversed I would be saying “I’m here if you need me” and checking in etc. it doesn’t make much effort and he can’t even give me that?? I just can’t wrap my head around how he can be so cold.

Thank you for your message I really appreciate it. I have my mum and my sister but they are also going through it. Luckily I have an amazing partner but he is at work all day and I work from home so am just alone all day with my thoughts and feelings

That’s the thing, I know that if the roles were reversed I would be saying “I’m here if you need me” and checking in etc. it doesn’t make much effort and he can’t even give me that?? I just can’t wrap my head around how he can be so cold.

Thank you for your message I really appreciate it. I have my mum and my sister but they are also going through it. Luckily I have an amazing partner but he is at work all day and I work from home so am just alone all day with my thoughts and feelings

I think you're being unreasonable.

So when you spoke to him he gave his condolences? What's the issue?

You're not close, you didn't reach out particularly to him - it'd be more reasonable to think your friends and family that you DO have a close relationship would offer support.

Everyone's different - I don't speak to my family, in fact I didn't attend my granddad's funeral even 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can't blame your dad here

From OPs post, he didn't offer his condolences, unless I have read it wrong. He just said "I heard about that".

You are not being unreasonable.
you would have hoped for a nicer message once you had mentioned it to him. At least a ‘I’m sorry, I’m here for you if you need anything’. But he didn’t.
im sorry about your grandad op. When mine passed it was one of the worst days of my life. I hope you have good support around you xx

In my opinion, I can blame my dad here. Because although I didn’t tell him at the start, I told him in my text. He asked what I was doing for my birthday and I chose that moment to tell him about my grandad. And his response was “I heard about that” that’s not giving condolences at all. I can’t think of a single person I’d ever react that way to upon hearing the news that their loved one has passed. I don’t have close relationships with my colleagues for example but if they told me their family member passed away I would say I’m sorry to hear that. It’s literally the bare minimum that you can expect from your own father.

also, it’s not as if I just said it as an off the cuff flippant comment. I told him I was struggling and not coping well. And he said nothing.

You've said you aren't close. You didn't tell him. He doesn't know what to say/do maybe because of that or maybe just because he doesn't. He did say he was going to come over. Maybe he feels more comfortable seeing you to talk to you. I know I am a massive over thinker, to the extent I often end up doing/saying nothing. Because I'm in a constant sense of 'what if I say the wrong thing' or 'what if I say something and at that point the person wasn't thinking about that and I've made them'.

Maybe you should let him come over and see how it is then.

Not unreasonable at all but perhaps not surprising as you say the two of you aren’t close. There are certain relationships in life where we sadly end up having to accept that we won’t get much from them.

I’m afraid some people just don’t have the kind of emotional intelligence required to react with empathy to momentous events in others’ (and even their own) lives. It may be that he just doesn’t know how to respond. You know your Dad. Is he normally expressive, tactile, emotionally available? Has he shown empathy towards other family members? If not, it probably means he struggles to be demonstrative, almost certainly because his upbringing never taught him how. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care, but he that he literally doesn’t know how to show it.

I think you should tell him how you feel. A lot of men need to be told things very directly and to the point.

Something like

"I'm hurt that you haven't messaged me offering any sort of support. I would really appreciate a bit of care and thought as I go through this difficult time. I'd like a weekly phone call or a text every now and again to see how I'm doing"

I also think YABU.
You say you aren't close.
You didn't even tell him.

When you did decide to tell him some time later, you didn't phone him, or see him in person, you sent a text!

Don't overthink this - spend time with the people you are close to and support each other, together.

I don't think you're typical.

I know I am a woman but if one of my children was bereaved on the other side of the family, I would want to be there, give them a great big hug and give them space to cry.

I'm not sure your dad has that in him @Lostinconversation. You could try telling him and see how he responds?

I'm sorry you lost your grandad x

I think you set him up a little, and you're disappointed that he didn't come through for you, and he's probably let you down a lot. You aren't close, you didn't tell him directly, you mentioned it to another family member on his side, with the assumption they would tell your dad. You don't know when your grandad mentioned it to your dad. He then tried to make arrangements to see you to give you a card, and asked what you wear up to, and you then mentioned nothing because if your grandad passing (and sorry for your loss) setting up your dad to fail, isn't going to help you in the long run. Either you tell him things, or stay low contact if that's what best for you, but don't be surprised when he is low contact back.

Sorry for your loss, but re I have my mum and my sister but they are also going through it well of course your mum is, she's his daughter! Is the grandma you're spending time with your mums mum? Again sorry but I feel you're placing yourself as the main mourner when he had a wife, a daughter and another grandchild.

You didn’t tell him, but you did tell his Dad (your Grandad)?
You’re clearly not close at all…

What a horrible thing to say to someone who is mourning their Grandad! She isn't putting herself as the main mourner at all! When people are mourning it's very natural to all spend time together to help each other get through it which is probably why she will be spending time with her Grandma!

I'm sorry you have had to read such a heartless comment like this OP, take no notice!!

Your Dad is being unreasonable here 100%. Like other posters have suggested I think you should explain to him that you feel hurt by his response.

I am sorry for your loss

Oh sorry I forgot @mistymirror that on mn now people aren't actually asking for opinions, just to be told, 'you're right, everyone else is awful'.

She asked for an opinion on whether she is being unreasonable to be upset with her Dad. You didn't give her an opinion on that.

I don't think you needed to tell him directly for him to offer you his condolences.

If you hear of someone passing, whether it's through a third party, you would then choose that moment to pass on your condolences. He knew how much your grandad meant to you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss OP.
From my experience, families can be awful at bereavement support. I lost my beloved gran last year and have been supported more by my wider community than my family, who didn’t even send a text on the day of the 1 year anniversary, mother’s day etc.
Grief is unreasonable in itself. You needed support from your dad and didn’t get it. Feeling upset about that is normal, you have just lost this lovely person and your feelings are raw.
I hope you have support from elsewhere. All the best OP.

what I meant by that comment was that I don’t want to burden my mum when she’s going through the grief of losing her dad. I don’t want to be calling her crying etc and making her feel like she has to comfort me, because she has her own emotions to deal with and I don’t want to add to that. My grandma is now completely alone, she had two dogs, a cat, and a husband and they have all died within 2 years of each other. So all of my family are spending lots of time with her so that she’s never alone at the moment, it’s not just me going round, we are all there, my cousins and aunties and uncles etc. I have made sure to ask if she wants us there or whether she wants to be alone and she said she wants us there for now.

I don’t get how I’m placing myself as the main mourner by being upset that my dad didn’t acknowledge the fact that I’m hurting right now and grieving. Just because he had a wife and other grandchildren means I can’t be upset with my dad? I don’t get your comment

Hes doing what you asked, not bringing it up. YABU

But I did tell him though. I told him in that moment. I didn’t need to tell him then, I could’ve just said I’m not up to much for my birthday. But I felt like I could tell him in that moment because I felt ready to. It wasn’t just him I didn’t tell. I didn’t tell any of my friends or anything either, and I’m very close with them. Because I couldn’t bring myself to tell them yet, I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I don’t HAVE to tell people things about my life as soon as they happen. It’s not like… well you didn’t tell me straight away so therefore you don’t get my support now. I didn’t deal with it well shit myself off, I only told my grandad on my dads side because he calls me twice a week to check in and he called me the day before he died and I told him “my grandad is not well, he hasn’t got long left” then the next day he died and my other grandad text me to ask how he was doing. If it wasn’t for that interaction, I wouldn’t have told my grandad at that time either. It’s not news that I have to share with everyone as soon as it happens. But I would’ve expected that when I do tell my own dad, he would at least say “sorry to hear that, hope you’re ok” it’s hardly difficult is it?

but I brought it up. I brought it up in that moment. He can’t be off with me for not telling him something very upsetting straight away? Is there a time limit on when I need to tel people things otherwise their love and support expires?