To be so upset with my dad for this?

[Lostinconversation]

2 weeks ago my grandad on my mums side passed away. I was very close to him, and am also very close to the grandad on my dad’s side and we talk every day. I desperately wanted someone to speak to as I was so upset so I called my grandad to tell him the news about my other grandad and get some support.

I’m not super close with my dad. We do speak and see each other occasionally but when my grandad passed away I didn’t tell him straight away. The only person who knew aside from my mums side of the family was my grandad on dads side.

Two days ago my dad text me to ask if I would be in this week for him to drop off my birthday card. He asked if I was up to anything for my birthday and I replied saying “no plans, unfortunately my grandad passed away and I’m not dealing with it very well. I’ll just be spending time with my grandma” he replied saying “yes I heard about that, grandad told me. I’ll just stop by after work and post your card on Wednesday”

I instantly felt so heartbroken by this. He knew all this time and has not contacted me to offer any support or ask if I am ok. Fair enough maybe he didn’t say anything because I hadn’t told him myself and didn’t want to bring it up before I was ready. But when I told him in my text he didn’t even say “sorry to hear about that” the bare minimum! I have had more sympathy off strangers. I’ve never read such a cold text message before in response to such a thing. It’s made me feel so utterly unworthy of his love and support. I gave him more in response to his dog dying. I’m not sure whether I am being reasonable or whether my emotions at the moment are making me feel worse and exaggerate. But I can’t bring myself to reply. I haven’t replied to him since. To know that my dad knows I’m upset and struggling and dealing with this and hasn’t uttered a word of condolences or kindness is really upsetting me. He just simply doesn’t care and can’t even be bothered to pretend to care. I am his only child and I just get nothing from him.

Please could I get some outside perspective on this?

But yet when the roles are reversed we are close enough that I comfort him.

He told me his dog died and I said something like “that’s awful I’m so sorry” and he had a good life etc etc. when he told me my step mums mum had died I said to send my condolences and I hope she was ok. I then also text a few days later asking how everyone was. But the same can’t be done for me it seems

I understand your grief, but i think youre obviously a little sensitive atm. If someone, in essence, said i dont want it bringing up atm, i wouldn't from the second thats asked.

he sounds like a cold fish,
is is reaction different than usual?

I think we need to know more about the background. Are your parents divorced? Did your dad and maternal grandad dislike each other? There's obviously a huge backstory here, that you wouldn't speak to your dad sooner about your loss, but did speak to his dad, your other grandad. Could he be confused about whether you want to speak about it with him, because he heard the news second-hand as you chose to tell your grandad but not him?

Of course it’s very uncaring to not even say sorry to hear about that. He should have also messaged you to offer condolences when he found out. Some people are just uncaring or don’t think. It isn’t nice and you’ve every right to be upset with him.

My mum and dad broke up when I was a baby. I still saw my dad growing up but my grandparents on his side saw me more often, I went to their house every Saturday. I have always been extremely close to my grandad (both grandads actually) and the one on my dads side calls me be eh regularly through to week for a chat. So the only reason I told him was because he called me and he could tell I was upset from my voice etc so I told him. I didn’t purposefully think to myself I’m going to tell certain people but not others. I didn’t tell anyone apart from my boss and my grandad. Only because I couldn’t face the conversations and thought I will tel people in my own time when I’m ready.

It’s not exactly different to usual, he isn’t the most emotional of people. I didn’t expect a big reaction, I didn’t expect a hug or a grand gesture. But a simple “sorry to hear that” really doesn’t take much at all. Even if you don’t care, it’s still the kind thing to say to your daughter. Just pretend you care for 2 second to type out “sorry about that, hope you’re ok” and then he can put his phone down and move on with his day. But it’s the fact that he can’t even manage that that’s upset me. He can’t do the absolute bare minimum. Even everyone on this thread has said sorry for your loss. They don’t know me. They don’t actually care about me, but it’s the polite thing to say. And it says a lot when your own dad can’t say it to you, even though I’ve been there for him during his losses

It sounds to me like, in your grief for your grandad, you are also feeling grief for the relationship you never had or wished you had had with your dad. And that is valid. He is who he is, and sadly it sounds like you two are not close, and perhaps there is a history of him being distant. It's really sad, having to accept that a parent is not... what you would want/need from a parent.

I'm sorry for your loss. It is very hard, losing a grandparent you were close to.

Just be mindful that a part of grief can be anger, and it can 'focus' on places it shouldn't necessarily be focused. So lean on who you need to lean on.

Thanks so much for this comment, I appreciate it. I think you are right, and will bear what you said in mind x

I think you need to accept your relationship with your father for what it is and not what you hoped it could be.

Yes you’re absolutely right. This is the thing that has kind of given me a reality check

And I'm sorry for your loss. Take care

Some people, particularly some men, are just terrible at responding appropriately in bereavement. They don’t know what to say or do so they do nothing. I expect your dad falls into this category, made worse by the fact that you’re not close anyway so he probably is even less used to being supportive. I also wonder whether he personally disliked your other DGD when he was with your mum - remember there is a whole backstory then. If he didn’t like him himself, he might struggle even more to accept that you did love him, or that you had a closer relationship withDGD than with your dad. as others have said, I don’t think this is very surprising in the circumstances, and I bet your emotion is because the bereavement has raked up lots of old baggage in your mind as well as your sorrow at your loss. Bereavement has waves of impact for a very very long time, it’s not a quick process. I hope you get some support from others in your life, and I’m sorry for your loss.

You've asked for some outside perspective but you are continually arguing with anyone who thinks that your Dad's response wasn't unreasonable.
You are clearly grieving your Grandad so perhaps you should just deal with that and stop fretting about a text exchange with someone that you acknowledge that you don't have a particularly good or close relationship with.
Just because you think he should have responded in a certain way, doesn't mean that he should. You're an adult you don't need validation and acknowledgement of your feelings all the time even when going through a bereavement.

I think what you said sounds spot on. I don’t know why I expected anything different from him tbh but I think you’re right that my emotions are bringing up other things.
thank you, appreciate your comment x

This might be a bit of a ramble...

I agree with PP that some people, men especially, are just bad at emotional support. My DF certainly is, despite being supportive and interested in a general sense, when a good friend of mine died, beyond a short conversation when I told DF he never brought it up again. Even when I told him, there was no offer of support, more just discussion of circumstances. Which could have felt cold, but I know it's just that DF processes things very differently to me. When DM died and people would ring to support him (or try to!) he couldn't really understand what they were doing - he didn't find it helpful. So as a result, because he wouldn't find it helpful, I don't think he can really understand that others might, and what that could look like.

I think more broadly in your situation you probably know that you and your DF aren't close, but maybe had in the back of your mind that he would "come good" in a really tough situation. So you were OK with him being generally not great because you thought he'd be there in a crisis. And now, sadly, you realise that's not the case. I might be totally off the mark here of course!

I think he intends to say more about it when he drops the card round? If not, it does seem odd.

*It sounds to me like, in your grief for your grandad, you are also feeling grief for the relationship you never had or wished you had had with your dad. And that is valid. He is who he is, and sadly it sounds like you two are not close, and perhaps there is a history of him being distant. It's really sad, having to accept that a parent is not... what you would want/need from a parent.

I'm sorry for your loss. It is very hard, losing a grandparent you were close to.

Just be mindful that a part of grief can be anger, and it can 'focus' on places it shouldn't necessarily be focused. So lean on who you need to lean on.*

Very perceptive comments from @Sapphire387.

We can sometimes have expectations of others which they can't or won't live up to

If we can leave the expectations to one side, we make life a lot easier for ourselves

So sorry for your loss.

Your message to your dad was quite reserved. He may have found it standoffish and misunderstood that you wanted support. I wouldn't have realised from that message. It would have been good manners for him to offer sympathy but not everyone has good manners.

I’m so sorry about your grandad op.

You said it casually to him (by text), he’d heard from his own dad but not you his daughter so it could be just a bit jumbled in his head and he reacted badly? We all say the wrong thing sometimes.

Sorry for your loss. Your dad did what you told him to though. You say yourself that you are not close.

It may be because I just lost my dog, but you lost me a bit at I gave him more in response to his dog dying.

Yeah i think you’re right actually. I’m not as angry anymore and maybe starting to think a little more clearly. And these responses are helping as well, it does help to get some perspective and outside opinions sometimes

Oh no, sorry about your dog! My dog is 13 and I worry about her every day and will be completely and utterly heartbroken when she dies, so in no way did I mean a dog isn’t important. I was just making a point that even though we aren’t close I was still supportive and offered kindness and acknowledgment of his pain etc but he can’t do the same in response to my grandad. I don’t have another example, because no one else has died in his life while I’ve been an adult so this is the only example I can compare it to

You're not being unreasonable. Anyone with any sense of kindness and compassion - a stranger. A friend and especially your dad - should at least say 'I'm very sorry' or something along those lines and ask how you are after hearing about your grandad.

I'm also very sorry for your loss. Are you ok? Xx