To be so upset with my dad for this?

[Lostinconversation]

2 weeks ago my grandad on my mums side passed away. I was very close to him, and am also very close to the grandad on my dad’s side and we talk every day. I desperately wanted someone to speak to as I was so upset so I called my grandad to tell him the news about my other grandad and get some support.

I’m not super close with my dad. We do speak and see each other occasionally but when my grandad passed away I didn’t tell him straight away. The only person who knew aside from my mums side of the family was my grandad on dads side.

Two days ago my dad text me to ask if I would be in this week for him to drop off my birthday card. He asked if I was up to anything for my birthday and I replied saying “no plans, unfortunately my grandad passed away and I’m not dealing with it very well. I’ll just be spending time with my grandma” he replied saying “yes I heard about that, grandad told me. I’ll just stop by after work and post your card on Wednesday”

I instantly felt so heartbroken by this. He knew all this time and has not contacted me to offer any support or ask if I am ok. Fair enough maybe he didn’t say anything because I hadn’t told him myself and didn’t want to bring it up before I was ready. But when I told him in my text he didn’t even say “sorry to hear about that” the bare minimum! I have had more sympathy off strangers. I’ve never read such a cold text message before in response to such a thing. It’s made me feel so utterly unworthy of his love and support. I gave him more in response to his dog dying. I’m not sure whether I am being reasonable or whether my emotions at the moment are making me feel worse and exaggerate. But I can’t bring myself to reply. I haven’t replied to him since. To know that my dad knows I’m upset and struggling and dealing with this and hasn’t uttered a word of condolences or kindness is really upsetting me. He just simply doesn’t care and can’t even be bothered to pretend to care. I am his only child and I just get nothing from him.

Please could I get some outside perspective on this?

Thank you 💗 I am doing a bit better yes, I still have moments though every day, mostly at night. My boyfriend has been great comfort as well.

It’s ok, I know what you mean. My dog was 13 too. I think people deal with things like this in different ways, and your dad is different from you. Some people detach in a way. My dad is severely ill too, and my just about grown up children are extremely close to him. It’s difficult and you have my sympathy.

I know you're not close with your dad but he may have been hurt and put out that you bypassed him to give the information to your grandad instead of him.
You may have meant nothing by this but it comes across as passive aggressive. You can't expect to have him running to you if you didn't bother to tell him.
He may be a shit dad in other ways so I don't want to judge you but in this situation I don't see what your dad did wrong. Give respect to get respect.

My younger brother died 2 months ago, my only sibling, and I am absolutely devastated. Of course my parents are also devastated but being his parents they have been given a lot of support by myself, my dc, family and friends. I know I'm not the 'main mourner' but I feel that I've basically been left to deal with it on my own. 3 of my dc expressed their condolences to me etc, one didn't but has been in constant contact with their gps. They did all come to the funeral which I appreciated.
I would think your df probably feels your maternal family will be supporting you and maybe he didn't realise how close you were to him. Some people don't know how to handle others' grief and can appear offhand. I would expect its just his way.

So don't comfort him or if you do, don't expect anything in return.

You seriously need to have a good long think about the relationship you want or can have with your dad.

You're not close, therefore no matter what you may want, he ISN'T going to comfort you.

Deep down you know it, nows the time to have a good hard think about your life and grow up emotionally.

Okay fair enough, thank you

I think you're ignoring how he might be hurt. You don't get to control others emotions. From the information he has, you have been telling people just not him. From his perspective, you've made it clear how little he matters to you.

You keep comparing it to offering support when his dog died but I'm willing to bet he told you his dog died. You didn't hear it from someone else first.

But sometimes when people are hurting (such as going through grief) they don’t always act the way that they usually would, because they are going through a traumatic time. I was actually in the room with my grandad while he died, i watched him. So I think my dad could’ve cut me some slack.

If I came on here with a post that said “My dad’s close relative died but he didn’t tell me until 2 weeks later and now wants support. AIBU to just ignore his feelings and not show him an ounce of condolence because I feel hurt that he waited so long to tell me?” You’d all be flaming me and telling me to get over myself, that a family member was in pain and going through something and it’s the kind thing to do to just say “I’m so sorry about that, hope you’re ok” I didn’t think I was expecting too much but maybe I was. I posted in AIBU on purpose to get different view points so I appreciate your take on it and you could be correct

@AllosaurusMum also just out of interest. Do you think I don’t deserve condolences from my dad because I left it 2 weeks to tell him? If you are/were a parent and your child went through something awful and didn’t feel ready to tell you yet, would you then punish them when they were ready by not showing any love or kindness towards them when they told you? Is that what I deserve?? Are his feeling SO hurt that he can’t fathom typing out on his phone “sorry to hear that darling” (darling is what he calls me)

I am feeling down, vulnerable, depressed, angry and confused at life right now. So I just would’ve thought some compassion was natural

Yes you brought it up - but only when he'd contacted you about something and asked a question. Otherwise when would you have told him?

Perhaps knowing that you'd told other people but not him - and didn't know when or if you were going to - he thought you didn't want him to be involved. Hell, he might even have been a bit hurt to think that he was an afterthought. Or an afterafterthought.

While it would have been nice of him to say something I don't think this is completely one sided.

Yes you aren’t the first person to say this so I think you might be right. Even though I have just responded to PP up there, it might seem like I don’t agree. But that isn’t the case… I’m genuinely confused on how to feel. My head and emotions are all over the place right now and needed some outside perspective. So I do appreciate everyone’s responses, it helps to get some clarity

Also someone said I bet I didn’t hear about his dog from someone else first. Well actually I heard from my grandad (his dad) that his dog was ill, my dad didn’t tell me that himself. So the next time I was speaking to my dad I brought it up so he told me. Then a few weeks later I checked in and he said “we are taking him to the vets tomorrow to have him PTS” so actually no, he didn’t just call me to tell me the news.

I do absolutely understand that his feelings may have been hurt that I didn’t tell him and he heard from someone else. But I don’t think that’s an excuse to not offer ANYTHING whatsoever. I find it petty to be like this with your child… he knew I was hurting, I literally told him I’m struggling, and he thought.. nope, you took too long to tell me. You had your chance, it’s gone, no kindness for you I’m afraid. Is that not immature? Or cold hearted?

Anyway, I do think a lot of you are correct in saying that we aren’t close, I told someone else first, and didn’t directly tell him - it just came up in convo. All of these things together are probably why he didn’t say anything. he probably thought that I didn’t actually want his support otherwise I would’ve come to him sooner. So I do get that, even if it seems like I don’t. My thoughts are bouncing all over the place and my feelings are yo-yoing up and down. But thank you to everyone who commented. Really appreciate the responses

Sorry for your loss OP sounds like you’ve been very lucky having 2 lovely grandad’s and also lots of family support on your mother’s side. Is this the first ‘big’ thing that he’s let you down for? If so unfortunately you have to lower your expectations of him in the future x

This would be my dad too, although he would send my mum with the card! I've long since stopped expecting even the most basic human engagement from him as he is neither willing or particularly capable of delivering it. We do the bare minimum of what is required for family occasions to pass off without too much obvious awkwardness, but I wouldn't say that we have a relationship really. I'm closer to my neighbours. It's crap, but it's how it is.

I think there are other factors at play. The fact that the person who died was the father of his ex wife/partner may make him feel awkward. And also the fact that he wasn't personally told might have made him feel pushed out. Maybe he didn't know how you wanted him to react, or if you wanted him to react at all.

I dont want to judge your situation as perhaps he wasn't a great dad in other ways and your disappointment is directed at this episode instead of a bigger issue.

Children (even adult children) suffer when parents split up. Maybe your parents split wasn't your dad's fault, or maybe it was. Perhaps there is resentment/hurt lingering over something else.

I think some people don’t have the emotional intelligence to empathise with someone else, and realise what is needed in a situation like this, @Lostinconversation.

When my wonderful MIL died, my FIL (who had been divorced from MIL for years, and was in another relationship) came to see us, and his opening conversation with me and dh, who had just lost his mother, was all about how healthy he was, and how lucky he had always been with his health - and he never bothered to ask how either my dh or his brother were coping with the loss of their mum to cancer, at far too young an age.

He hadn’t bothered to phone them in the days after her death, to check up,on them - and honestly it wasn’t because he was devastated or grief stricken too - he honestly didn’t seem upset at all - it was water off a duck’s back. And even if he had been upset, shouldn’t he have had some thought for his sons, one of whom had spent ages caring for his mum, taking her to appointments and chemo etc, and the other of whom (my dh) had actually been with her when she passed away?

I actually sat him down and told him how insensitive he had been, and how his sons might need some support and care from him because, you know, their mum had just died. Even then he didn’t get it.

What about your relationship with your dad makes you expect him to put your feelings over his? It doesn’t really matter what I would do or anyone else, it’s about you and your dad. You arent close with your dad, and you’ve now made that abundantly clear to him. That likely hurts to have it made so clear. Some people are able to put that aside, some people can’t.

Maybe he feels like he’s always pushed out and just can’t take it anymore. Maybe he’s always been unsupportive or selfish in which case you need to adjust your expectations if you’re going to maintain a relationship.

You may feel he’s a bad parent who deserves to be on the outside of things, but bad parents rarely recognize they were bad. He won’t feel he deserves to be treated that way, and he isn’t going to put his feelings aside to try to make you feel ok if he’s been hurt.